Without A Kiss

Author's note: First: Sorry it took me so long to upload something new. This story will have more chapters. Maybe one, maybe two or three. There will be a little "gift" such as a song or a poem at the end of each chapter. Sounds weird, I know. Thank you already for reading it. Review!

I tried unlock the door silently. The only thing I wanted to do right now was taking a shower, going to bed, and telling him I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I love you. David Letterman was on the TV but I didn't listen.

"Mikey?" There was no answer. I found him sleeping on the couch. He looked beautiful and handsome as everytime. I wanted to touch him but I didn't dare to. The light of the TV was lighting up his face. I never looked at him that way. Now, that I experiecend something so unfamiliar, he looked even more beautiful and handsome. Innocent and peacefull. Like a little child. His torso going up and down. His lids were fluttering and made his lashes look like they were dancing.

Miguel opned his eyes. "What time is it?"

"Late."

"Jesus..You had to work long?"

"Mhmm.."

"My poor baby." He kissed me. Don't kiss me. I don't deserve it.

"Are we going to bed?"

"Sure.."

There it is again. That feeling that rises in my stomach and overcomes my entire body. I felt it immediatley after leaving the theater. Is it a feeling of guilt, of shame, regret? Probably everything.

My head was aching, there were to many thoughts, questions. How could I? Why? How? Tell him? Don't tell him? What am I to do?

I went to bed. There had to be something to happen. While I walked home the scenraio apperared over and over infront of my mind's eye. Maybe there was nothing going to happen. Just forget it. Live with that bad conscience. Why not? It's my fault. But I know I can't. I couldn't lie to his face. He is my man, my love.

"Good night."

"Good night, baby."

I turned away. I just couldn't look into his beautiful brown eyes. He wrapped an arm around me, held me tight. Kissed my neck.

"I love you.." I want to say, don't- I'm not worth it.

"Miguel."

"I love you so much."

With one quick move he lay on top of me. "Miguel, I need to.."

He pressed his finger to my lips. "Shh, no talking except in Spanish.."

"All I know is how to count till ten.."

He kissed me. "Uno."

Again. "Dos."

Again. "Tres."

"Miguel. What. Are. You. Doing?"

"What does it feel like?"

It feels graet, go on. I wish I could say that. Tell him now. Tell him.

"I didnt work that long today.. I went to the Stallions and.."

"To that porno theatre?" His romantic mood seemed to have passed in seconds.

"No. Well, yes."

He laughed. All he did was laughing.

"Why didn't you call me? We could have gone there together."

"Yeah.. Well. I guess, I made a mistake."

"Was the movie that bad?" Oh god he had no idea. I can still stop it here, right now. But I can't. He didn't even suggested it. That was how big his heart, how pure his love was. How naive. And yet beautiful.

"Erm.. See." Do it fast or slow?

"Yeah?"

"I had.. Ihadsexwithsomestranger." It flew over my lips like one word.

"You had what?" He looked at me with his "I-don't-believe-it-"expression.

"Uhmm.. Sex?"
"That's a joke."
"I wish it was."
He sat up, switched the light on. Didn't look at me. He just shook his head in disbelief over and over again.

"Why?", he whispered. But even in this short word his voice cracked.

I always knew what I had to say. That was necessary for my work. I am a lawyer and I can talk, really talk.

"How can you do that to me?"

"I.."

"I don't get it." Me neither.

"I gave you everything. Everything. You know what, I've been in love in my life two times. Two times. I was betrayed two times in my life. Is it about me? Is it my fault? Am I not good enough for you? What is it?"

"Miguel.."

"WHAT? I think I'm gonna sleep on the couch."

"Can't we talk?"

"ABOUT WHAT?"

"You wanna break up?"

"No, I mean. I don't know. No. I just want to sleep on the couch."

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut the fuck up." He started crying.

"I love you, Mikey."

"SHUT UP! Just leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY? JUST PISS OFF!"

I can't leave you alone. I want to talk to you, I need to apologize, I need to say sorry. I want to spend my life with you. I won't give us up. I was supid. I was a fool. Maybe I still am but I love you.

I decided to leave the room.

"I better go and sleep downstairs."

"Yeah, do what you want."

When I left the room, he said "Did you kiss him?"

"No."

He nodded, wiped off his tears. I wanted to hug him, wanted to say Sorry, Sorry, Sorry. Please forgive me. Please. But I just turned around and went. I couldn't even make it to the living room. I sat down at the stairs and stared into the darkness. His muted sobs broke my heart. I hated myself. Hated what I've done. It was fast and meaningless and yet it took the most precious thing in my life. I thought about going back upstairs. About talking to him. But I was afraid. The next thing I can remeber was that he was rushing down the stairs. He wore shoes and his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"What are you gonna do?"

He turned round and looked at me.

"I'm going to go to a bar. And I'm gonna pour out myself some whiskey so that I get so fucking drunk untill I pass out and forget your face." I was quite shocked. That was so not Miguel.

"No.. You won't."

"Yes. I will."

I was looking for the right words. New words. But the only thing I could manage was Can't we talk?

"Can't we talk?"

"Honestly-no." With that he walked out and slammed the door.

Woke up and for the first time, the animals were gone
It's left this house empty now, not sure if I belong
Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
I'll do my best now, but you've been gone for so long

The window's open now and the winter settles in
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin
I love your depression and I love your double chin
I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone
Our clocks are ticking now so before our time is gone
We could get a house and some boxes on the lawn
We could make babies and accidental songs

I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules
My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through
I cover my eyes, still all I see is you

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

The Animals Were Gone - Damien Rice