Hey guys! Swordmouse here! Finally bothering to upload something. It's been quite a long time hasn't it? Sorry about that. Its not for nothing though! As I've said before, I'm currently doing multiple IZ roleplays with someone and we have both expressed hope to turn them into fics. I think you guys'll love them, and I can link you to the rps if you want to read them as they are. (Unedited)
This right here is a several chapter fic that I've basically finished. I'm just smoothing out the details. The idea was in my head for a long time and I had to do something with it. I'll upload more as I finish editing, because the first draft of the whole thing IS finished actually. For once I can say I finished something with chapters. Haha. Ha. Ha.
Enjoy! Read and Review please!
Years had passed.
Dib had changed.
Zim had not changed, or so he told himself. Him? Change? Why? No, he would never change. He didn't need to change. He was a perfect specimen of the superior irken race! There was no reason for him to change!
He wasn't changing! So these sensations and thoughts, had to be from a sickness! Or maybe all paranoid imaginations brought on by the foul pollutant fumes and nauseating summer heat of planet earth? Yes, yes those excuses could work to fool himself, at least for a time.
If only he could find the real cause and stop all this without addressing the horror that was probably the real source.
Zim was changing. It was all Dib's fault.
That annoying, obsessive little worm baby... So tall now, so intimidating. He was everything Irkens idealized, what every irken wanted to be. He was tall and lean with well-developed but not grossly bulging muscles, he was quick and agile and clever and as far as humans went, he had no 'imperfections' an irken would frown at. He was well groomed and chose good clothes and he... Dib was... He was perfect.
He was even... Zim wasn't sure how to describe it for a long time, or he told himself he didn't, because he knew exactly what it was and he hated that he could think such a thing.
Physical attraction.
How could this be?
Irkens weren't even supposed to feel this towards each other, how was it possible Zim felt it for HIM?!
He was... He was... What were the words humans used? Pretty? Cute maybe? Gorgeous?
How could Zim have such appreciations towards such a lowly species? That was just wrong!
Zim thought he shouldn't think such things, he told himself that was horrible, and gross, the invasive thoughts angered him and made him sick with himself.
He still thought those things anyway. They wouldn't go away.
He wanted something. He wanted something he'd never wanted before, or in a way that he'd never wanted anything before. And that scared him to death because he genuinely didn't know what the thing itself was, but it was a developing weakness for sure and he had to end it!
Why wouldn't it stop!? Why couldn't he ignore it?! Why wouldn't it go away?!
Zim wasn't changing, not like Dib, not outwardly. Only inwardly. Only in squishy, vulnerable 'feelings.'
Dib had gotten just generally better. Zim was not... He was not getting any better. How could he? He would ask himself. He was Zim! He was already perfect, so he could not get better right?
But no one else seemed to think he was so great, and slowly, he picked up on that and started to question.
Zim had a habit of vocally yelling his own greatness at almost every opportunity. He did it because no one else ever said it and that made him feel small. it had been that way from the beginning. After long enough he'd managed to wholly brainwash himself so that he believed his own declarations. He just had to remember to shout it out frequently! But now his shouting and 'I AM ZIM's didn't have the same effect. All because his nemesis and perfect match in battle had gotten better and taller.
It was a terrifying thing, to question his own superiority. The complex had given him so much security, especially against Dib, was melting. He was not secure, and he was loosing confidence in himself.
Dib had always viewed him as a threat. Dib had watched him obsessively out of paranoia. The fact that someone viewed him as so powerful had bolstered Zim's ego for years. It had been a glorious feeling.
Now, Dib, who'd changed and become so amazing, had lost interest in him.
And it was horrible.
It made him feel so short and insignificant.
He was changing and it was all Dib's fault!
Well... No.
No, that gave the stink-beast a little too much credit.
Just as all this was coming to a head, Gir broke down. His eyes went black, he became unresponsive, and there was nothing Zim could do to fix him anymore.
Even irken technology didn't last forever.
That was one thing he'd never seen coming. That was probably the biggest change.
"You stupid robot!"
The irken shook the limp, cold metal body in his tightly clenched hands, but to no avail.
He shocked Gir, and replaced various parts, but his minion of so many years would not turn back on.
Eventually he stored Gir away in hopes of finding parts that might fix him someday but for now the most he could do was helplessly sulk.
He was alone now.
He really, really was. Even his messages to the tallest were going unanswered. He panicked, as this had to mean his transmission systems were failing! He had to get them fixed! He would be in trouble if he did not report in soon!
But no. A tiny part of him knew- knew he'd taken too long and was no longer relevant.
He'd been here... How long? Five years? Seven years? It was too long.
But he could fool himself. He'd gotten good at it. That was how he'd even managed to survive. By lying to himself until everything was okay. Because even what he was, his very mind, was problematic by very important irken standards.
He never got any messages. No one contacted him. Without Gir and without his connection to the tallest it was magnified, and it started to cause a weighted, sedated, distraught feeling in his chest.
He wandered around his base at night, plan-less, without any objective, just scrounging for ways to pass the time.
He was alone. He was overlooked. He was forgotten.
Even Dib. Even Dib was overlooking him.
No! NO! He could NOT let the human forget.
In school, Zim's disguised eyes glanced across the classroom more frequently then ever before.
Dib sat slouched, which was both a pity and a blessing to the irken, it was less entrancing but less intimidating. At full standing height Dib was about six feet. He was no tallest but... To Zim... Well, Zim's head just came up to his collar bone.
That was downright shameful.
The invader glared, breathed in deeply and slowly and shaking in rage, and he let it out the same way, jaw clenched, hands fisted, sitting tensely in his desk as Ms. Bitters droned on. His back was strait. He sat as tall as possible so that he strained his muscles and was sore the whole day.
It wasn't fair! He was superior. He was better then Dib! How could it be that his nemesis was taller then him? So much taller and so skilled and so...
It was horrible. It was embarrassing.
It was breathtaking and THAT was the worst part of all.
How could that be? It was a scary feeling he didn't understand and he wanted it to stop.
He had too much appreciation for the human. He observed the earthling's physical changes with more then scientific curiosity and he could find nothing to mock. He should have been able to mock him! Why could he not mock him? Why could he not see the earthling's flaws like he used to? Why did he LIKE what he saw?
Dib's head-crest of black fur, 'hair' as the humans unimaginatively dubbed it, was better kept now. It looked soft though still entertainingly spiky and it was well-groomed and... And... And other good things.
Dib grew into his head, it was no longer disproportionately large, which was a huge disappointment and loss to Zim's teasing inventory. The earthling's features were sharp or soft in all the right places, and he was so expressive, his eyes especially; white, black, and gold-amber eyes that flashed in passion, with dark eye-lashes defining them perfectly.
His hands were neat and deft and precise, trained for working with delicate sciences but strong enough to deliver a bruising punch.
He was very lean. He was fit. He was swift, agile, flexible, strong, clever, and so cursedly confident.
Zim hated him. Hated him. HATED him.
Dib was better now. And Dib seemed to know it. He seemed to think he was so much better now, that Zim was not only literally below him, (in size) but figuratively as well. He'd stopped caring- he had stopped looking at Zim.
How could he? How DARE he?
Zim had always been Dib's obsession. Now he was not. When had that changed? How could it have? That was AWFUL!
Zim watched him through the whole class, just to make sure, because this could not be true. Dib never looked at him.
That could not be! He would force Dib to pay attention to him! It was only right, it was how things were MEANT to be!
At lunch Zim stole Dib's backpack off the seat next to him and ran off with it, intending that Dib would chase and argue with him. Dib didn't even get up. He looked at Zim in simple irritation, so very, very unimpressed.
"Zim, what are you, five? Give it back."
The irken felt his cheeks heat up as he stared back. He opened his mouth to shout and insult but he couldn't find any words. Dib's grimace of distaste made him feel so wretchedly stupid, so embarrassed.
He froze, and then he panicked and caved in. The alien threw it back at Dib before bolting off where he wouldn't hear if people were laughing at him.
He wouldn't give up though. He would not let Dib forget him.
After the next class Zim tried to snag Dib's homework out of his hands while he was reading it and walking down the hall. Finally, they got into a fight.
Dib grabbed at Zim and Zim dodged and jumped away but Dib's hands were catching him, he had to struggle out of his grasp. The human shoved Zim and the alien stumbled back.
Zim should have been screaming at Dib for daring to manhandle him but he couldn't think of what to say. He was silent, and Dib said nothing either.
Dib was so strong now.
Or was Zim so weak? No, that couldn't be. He was amazing! But either way, Dib overpowered him, so what did it even matter to protest or defend his abilities? He was weaker then Dib. Which was horrible.
Dib's smirk was deadly. It really was. It was poison.
For just a flash of a second, during their scuffle of swinging fists, grabbing hands, shoving, and stumbling, as Dib managed corner Zim, he grinned. It was a twitchy, dark, alluring grin, and underneath his wig Zim's antennae drooped in automatic and horrible submission. He froze and lost track of planning his next move.
That hypnotizing grin was short-lived. Dib snatched his homework back and walked away without a word, leaving Zim befuddled, furious, and flustered, scowling down at his empty hands.
Even when he got Dib to pay attention to him he felt horrible. He was always loosing now.
He was...
He was not...
Zim... Zim was not so amazing anymore. He did not feel amazing. No amount of shouting could remedy that.
Dib was better then him. Dib ignored him. Zim had no one else. And that made him nothing. He was nothing. He was alone and small and insignificant and abandoned. He was becoming things no irken should- like lonely, fearful... Desperate.
No.
He would not stand for that! This was all wrong and he was going to fix it! He was Zim!
He was strong! He was a well-trained irken elite! He'd passed all the trials of Hobo 13!
He was strong, strong ENOUGH even. It was just these cursed new FEELINGS! He couldn't concentrate around Dib any more. If he could only concentrate...
But that was easier said then done.
Finding Dib's cameras in his base made his spooch flip over and tingle. He didn't even know if it was a good or bad feeling but it was nerve-wracking and he didn't like it.
It was also nostalgic. Given Dib's attitude Zim doubted he watched any of them anymore. That wasn't even relieving. That made him feel small and ever more insignificant, and sad.
Every day in school blended into the next, all more and more the same.
Zim watched Dib every minute and Dib barely looked at him.
Dib moved like an irken was supposed to, sharp but graceful, calculated, coordinated, on a strait track to his destination. Zim followed Dib down a school hall, looking from the earthling's feet to his own, trying to walk as perfectly as Dib was.
With his longer legs Dib could take larger strides. The farther ahead he got the more Zim rushed and got frustrated until some other disgusting human tripped him and he fell.
People laughed and paused to watch as he pulled himself up with as much dignity as he could muster. Dib had glanced back with a small smirk at Zim's fall but hadn't stopped, and walked on.
Black claws sliced though black gloves and into green palms as the irken tightened his shaking fists.
He felt so ill. So horrible. So angry. Zim wanted to hit and claw and bite everyone. He wanted to scream at obscene volumes and use every curse he knew.
But he just... He lacked... He lacked the energy, the confidence, the passion, that used to fill him to the brim. He didn't dare make such a scene.
He wasn't even mad about being tripped. He hadn't even felt upset until he'd seen Dib smirk and walk on. That scared him. That really scared him. Had he no dignity of his own anymore? Had Dib really become the one and only thing that mattered?
That was sickening.
He had to make this stop!
Zim didn't see Dib outside of school anymore, and so watched him even more obsessively during classes. Pale skin, pink lips, white nails, black hair, bright eyes, dark clothes. Tall, intimidating, immovable... Charming? ... Attractive? Those were the human terms for his liking how Dib looked right?
No. No! Those thoughts were horrible. He could not let them in!
STOP! STOP! STOP!
But those words did seem to be the right ones for what he was feeling.
He could only deny it for so long.
He hated this. He hated this change. He wanted things to go back to how they used to be when everything was perfect and he still felt amazing like he was supposed to!
Zim's eyes were filled with longing, his cheeks darkened as he rested his chin in his hand, just sitting and watching that one specific human.
Days and weeks and a couple months went by and the feelings did not change.
Zim finally came to realize and understand the horrible truth. He was feeling something different towards the Dib. A sense of... Of want. He wanted Dib.
How? What? What did he want from Dib? This made no sense!
But he saw the human couples walking hand in hand as if in ownership of one another, and he saw how some of them would provide shelter and warmth to the other by wrapping their arms around them, and when he saw these things images of Dib came into his mind and his spooch spun and whirled in irrepressible desire and resulting terror and disgust, because THIS. COULD. NOT. BE!
It was only so long before he couldn't deny it any longer. Because out of his growing frustration, he found a solution.
He would have to own Dib. He would have to make the human his in this way. Then at least this feeling of desperation would leave right?
But these feelings got in the way when he fought. He could not overpower Dib physically, he could not fight Dib and defeat him that way and use a physical victory to demand Dib be his, so he would have to use something else, some clever trap, or better yet, he could play at Dib's same game.
He would make himself alluring to the human... He would use the human methods of attraction. It was the obvious answer, was it not?
