This story is a spin-off to a story called The Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth. The only context you really need is that Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle, Jonathan Crane, Ivy Pepper, Harleen Quinzel, and Jack Kerr are staying at Wayne manor with Alfred. And for some weird reason, I thought it would be a good idea if Jonny and Ivy were in a weird like-like relationship, so that's important in here. Enjoy!

"Okay, now what?" Ivy asked, finishing up her work on the stair railings, padding them up.

Bruce stared confused at his friends as they put plastic wrap on the bottom of a toboggan so it could slide down the stairs better. Cat was holding up the sled while Jack and Harley were working on the bottom.

"The odds of this ending well are highly improbable, I must say." Jonny said.

Jack growled, "The odds of me caring are more improbable." His scowl quickly turned back into a mischievous grin, and he turned proudly to his friends. "Okay, who wants to go first? Everything's all ready."

"It's scary, Mister J!" Harley squeaked, pretending to be scared and wrapping her arms around Jack. "I'll need someone to ride with me and keep me safe."

"Don't be a baby." Jack sneered. "Just for that, you're going to be the last one to get a turn."

The gang looked around at each other until Cat threw up her arms and said, "I'll go first. Bruce, let's go."

Bruce's eyes widened, a bit scared. "But, this could be dangerous."

"Know what, B? You need to know how to live life. Get on the thing."

Bruce swallowed the lump in his throat and sat himself down on the toboggan, his hands tightly gripping the handle on the front. Cat sat down behind him, leaning against his back and holding his hands from behind him. Bruce started blushing madly.

"Okay, at first, you're going to feel a slight pressure." Jack whispered, nudging Bruce's shoulder.

Bruce sighed, "I'm not getting a shot, Jack."

Jack laughed, "No, I meant pressure in your pants. You know, because of the ninety pounds of black leather and teenage hormones behind you."

"I heard that." Cat growled.

Jack grinned, "Okay, ready?"

Jack and Harley grabbed the back of the toboggan and tilted it up, angling them farther down the stairs. Then, in that moment, the front door in front of the stairs opened, and Alfred showed Detective Gordon in the door.

It was too late. Bruce and Cat had already been tilted too far down the stairs, and their friends twitched nervously as the two barrelled towards the adults. Selina pushed Bruce off before jumping off herself to avoid the collision, but the sled crashed into Alfred and Jim, knocking them backwards into the front yard.

Alfred got up and brushed himself off, ready to scream at the kids. "What did you think you were doing?!"

"Okay, let me ask you a question, and you have to promise to be honest with me here." Jack grinned. "Did you really think we'd behave while you were gone?"

Alfred slapped his forehead and helped Jim stand up. "Okay, Detective Gordon. These are my kids. This is Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle, Ivy Pepper, Jonathan Crane, Jack Kerr, and Harleen Quinzel. Now, are you sure they'll be okay while I'm in Star City?"

"Of course." Jim said. "I'll be here the entire time watching them. You have nothing to worry about."

Alfred nodded, and turned to the kids. "Be good. I'll be back in a week."

"Don't worry, Alfred." Cat grinned. "I'll take care of everyone."

Alfred laughed a little bit sarcastically and smirked, "Actually, Mister Crane is in charge. He's reliable, doesn't cause too much trouble, and isn't under the influence of any of you troublemakers."

"Hey!" Harley grumped. "Why aren't I in charge?! I can do stuff. I'm... yeah, you made a smart decision."

Alfred waved goodbye and left the manor, heading for the taxi to take him to Star City for the rest of the week. Jim closed the door behind him and stared awkwardly at the kids standing at the top of the staircase.

"So... I don't know much about you guys, so why don't we start by saying something interesting about ourselves?" Jim asked. "My name is Jim Gordon, and I'm a first grade detective at the GCPD."

"My name is Ivy Pepper." Ivy said. "I hate sharing circles." After, she went back up to her bedroom to go take care of her plants.

The other five kids looked around at each other until Jonny said, "My name is Jonny. I have no regrets in this life. Or the one before." He followed Ivy to the bedroom and was trailed after by the others, leaving Jim by himself at the bottom of the staircase, thinking, this week is going to be easier than I thought.


The six had tucked themselves under the covers of Bruce's bed, all of them sitting under the blanket. Harley was draped over Jack's back, and Ivy was whispering to a flower.

"Okay, well Alfred is gone for the week." Cat whispered happily. "That means we have one week to do whatever we want!"

Bruce hesitantly asked, "Well what are we going to do?"

Jack flexed his trouble-making muscles. "Well, first off, we have to go and visit Bullock. He's going to pay for almost arresting me that one time."

"Ooh! Let's go to the ice cream place downtown!" Harley laughed. "I haven't been there since I got banned!"

"Guys, guys." Cat whispered evilly. "We have a week. We can do all of that seven times over!"

The kids all cheered wildly, flipping the blanket off of them and jumping up to dance a bit.

Meanwhile, Detective Gordon was coming up to tell them about dinner, saw them dancing, and was suddenly incredibly grateful he didn't have kids.


"Hey, you can't – OOF!" was all the kids heard before Jim stopped talking and the rustling began. The kids peered through the bars of the stairs from their bedroom at the person stealing from the mansion. It looked like the person had broken in through the window and knocked Detective Gordon unconscious. They couldn't tell who it was, but the person was rummaging through the manor's possessions.

"Who is it?" Ivy asked.

Jack tried to peer through more without giving himself away. "It looks like a person... with two arms... and at least one ear."

Selina growled at him. "Oh, great. That narrows it down to just about... everyone we know."

Bruce sighed, "Why are we hiding up here? We should be protecting our home!"

"We don't know who we're dealing with." Jack said. "It could be an assassin that's after one of us. We can't risk rushing into this and risking our – wait, it's just a little kid. CHARGE!"

The six tripped over each other running down the stairs to attack the person stealing from the mansion. What they found was a girl, the same age as them. The girl had blonde hair and was wearing a white headband of pink rabbit ears. She was wearing a white bodice and tights on her legs, with a white and pink cape on her back and gloves on her hands. She looked up at the six children charging at her, and leapt up on the couch so they all collapsed into the table behind her.

"Whoa!" Jack exclaimed. "She's hot! What's your name?"

"You think every girl is hot." Ivy grumbled.

"I've never said you're hot." Jack sneered.

The thief laughed a high-pitched giggle and said, "So, you have all this money and you spent it on kids? I think I like you."

Selina got up and growled, "I don't know who you are, or why you're dressed like a bunny, but-"

"Please." The thief grinned. "Call me... White Rabbit."

"Cool. I'm Cat, and no one steals from Bruce but me." Selina jumped up and tried leaping at White Rabbit, but was too slow. Rabbit flipped off the couch and circled around Selina on the ground, ready to fight. Selina went to the ground, trying to trip Rabbit over, but Rabbit grabbed Cat's leg and twisted it, throwing her across the ground.

Right after, Bruce jumped on White Rabbit, trying to put her in a chokehold. Rabbit lurched backwards, stunning Bruce, and kicked him into a wall. Harley grabbed a kitchen chair and tried smashing it against Rabbit, but was too slow. Rabbit did a back flip in mid-air, kicking Harley in the head and throwing her onto the kitchen table.

Jack had gotten up. He talked warily, but cockily. "Look, dudette. I don't want to hurt you. Your face is too pretty for that. But you just kicked my girlfriend in the face, so I want you to know I could totally kick your ass if I wanted to."

Rabbit punched Jack in the side of the head, but that just made him laugh hysterically.

"HA!" he laughed. "Oooh, Ha ha, I find you so hot."

Rabbit kicked Jack in the stomach once more, and he laughed uproariously and maniacally.

"Oh, are you into that kind of kinky?" He joked, reaching into his pocket and grabbing a gun. He held it up to White Rabbit's face and grinned, "I didn't want to do this, but I like to be the dominant one in relationships." He pulled the trigger, and a flag shot out of the barrel of the gun that read, "BANG!"

White Rabbit knocked the gun out of his hand and roundhouse kicked him across the room, Jack never stopping his evil laughing.

Cat got back up, running at Rabbit and trying to trap her in an arm lock. Rabbit flipped Cat over her shoulder effortlessly and stepped on her stomach. Harley tried another charge and succeeded in knocking Rabbit against a wall, but it didn't look like it did much damage. Rabbit grabbed a vase off the mantle and threw it at Harley, barely missing her face.

Suddenly, a faint green gas filled the room. All the kids looked around for the source of the gas, and found it was a smoke bomb that Jonny had thrown. Jonny walked towards White Rabbit slowly and said, "It's a prototype fear gas. I've been slowly injecting it into my friends while they've been sleeping for the last three months-"

"Wait, what?" Bruce asked.

Jonny continued talking to White Rabbit. "We're all immune to it, but you're not. You have about ten seconds to leave, or your eyes fill with nothing but your darkest fears from the most disturbed corners of your mind."

The gang stared in awe as White Rabbit cracked a small smile. Instead of immediately getting the hell out of there like everyone expected, she sighed, "This is the first time I haven't completed a mission. My name is Jaina. When this is over, you should find me." she quickly leaned in and gave Jonny a half-second kiss on the lips, and leapt out the window, disappearing into the distance.

The kids painfully rubbed their bruises and stood up. Cat sighed, "So... let's call that a tie. If she had stayed a little longer, we could have totally kicked her butt, right?"

"Oh, totally." Bruce groaned, helping Harley up. "Thanks for the help, Jonny."

"Hey." Ivy said. "So if we're all immune to that fear gas, is Jim?"

Their attention went to Jim Gordon, who was beginning to wake up. The first thing he saw when he woke up was a chapel, and he found that he was being married to the Penguin.

Jim screamed and rolled around on the ground while Bruce called a hospital for him. Jack slumped down on the couch and sighed, "So who was that?"

"I got it." Harley said, scrolling through the police files on her computer. "Her name is Jaina Hudson, AKA the White Rabbit. She's committed over thirty-five large scale robberies this year and is currently on the investigation docket of Detective James Gordon."

"Well, that explains why she hasn't been caught!" Cat laughed. "Well, no point in taking this into our hands, right? We showed her who's boss. We'll never see her again."

"Yeah, we totally kicked her butt!" Jack cheered. "Go team Jack/Harley/Cat/Bruce/Ivy/Jonny!"

While his friends were talking about their 'victory,' Jonny just couldn't stop thinking about that gorgeous thief that he had defeated for the first time and the last thing she had said to him – "When this is over, you should find me."


That night, Bullock stopped by the house and dropped Jim off at the hospital. His worst fears (that he was married to Penguin, and that he had grown old and his grandson was Captain Barnes) was still ringing in his head. It was night time, and after a full day of raiding ice cream stores and stealing the clothes of respectable businessmen, the kids were tuckered out and were fast asleep. All sleeping on the same bed, Harley was snuggled against Jack's shoulder, Cat was curled up like a kitten, and Ivy was lying on Jonny's stomach. Only Jonny was still awake. He never found a need to sleep, as that was for the weak.

The bedroom window opened, and Jonny's head turned slightly as he saw a grinning Jaina Hudson climb in without making a sound. The others were still fast asleep, and Jonny got out of bed.

"Jaina, what are you doing here?" Jonny whispered.

Jaina fixed her rabbit ears and smiled, "Can't a girl sneak into this place?"

"Keep your voice down." Jonny whispered. "Jack gets cranky when he's woken up."

Jaina smirked. "Don't you want to know why I broke in?"

Jonny didn't say anything.

Jaina grinned. "We're part of something big, bigger than all of us. When the people that hired me get here, you're going to wish you were back on the streets. I'm just here to warn you to get out of here while you can. There's no saving the others."

Jonny whispered. "I'm with someone. We can handle whatever you're talking about."

Jaina laughed a bit too loudly, and Jack rolled over in his spot. "Who, the girl who talks to plants? Whatever you say, punk, but not everyone can beat me. I just thought you'd like a chance to save yourself."

She turned her back and started to climb up on the window ledge when Jonny grabbed her arm and asked, "Who hired you?"

Jaina didn't say anything. She just jumped out and disappeared into the night. Then, Jonny jolted around to find Cat, wide awake on the bed. She smirked, "Yeah, you're not the only one who doesn't like sleeping, buddy."

"You heard that?" Jonny asked.

Cat nodded. "I also have a really cool way to get her to spill her guts about this guy that hired her. Here's a hint. Ivy's not going to like it."

I did not make up Jaina Hudson, by the way. She's another future Batman villain. Until next time, thanks for reading!