Chapter One: Never Good Enough

It's just too much to know I'll never be good enough for anyone except the creep Mike Newton.

I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I do anyways. It's the truth. I shouldn't be alive right now, let alone in a hospital.

But God can't spare me, now can he? He must have a sense of humor. And I thought I met more cruel people than God.

I thought God would protect me. I thought he blessed those who were good. I was wrong. God doesn't give a rat's ass about me.

If there is a God. He is probably eating skittles watching my life like the T.V drama 'Pretty Little Liars'. Now I just need to wait for a skittle to fall from the sky and hit me. Hell, I would probably trip over it!

I'm the reason Edward left. I'm the reason that I was raped. I didn't beg enough, that was it. I didn't cry enough. I didn't fight enough for my innocence. Poor Bella. Blah, blah, blah.

But those were thoughts from the old Bella. It isn't my fault. I know that now. It was that conceded bastard's fault (not Edweirdo). He should rot in hell. I will never be the same because of him.

I actually hate Fuckward now. What a piece of shit. I'm not hung over him anymore and I actually am pretty happy.

I can remember that night like it was yesterday, I remember it started out normally. Well, as normal as my life can get. When I put it like that, my life is never normal.

*Flashback*

It has been two whole months since Fuckward left and he has started out coming over daily now, to visit Charlie. Randy, (the local hoodlum), has stuck to my dad's right side for weeks claiming my dad was his new role model. Charlie was tickled pink.

But, somehow I knew it was a matter of time before something bad happened. He does have a reputation after all.

What I had not expected was him to be well, nice. He was polite and I thought the rumors about him were just the result of a bored, small town. You know the kind or meaningless gossip that Jessica Stanley spreads?

After what happened, I wish it was all rumors. That he was actually a good person.

I was right to be cautious though. I came home to Randy sitting on my couch, with my dad and his precious cruiser gone. It was a little strange since this has never happened before. But I shrugged it off.

"Hey, Bella. Charlie said I could hang out here after school and wait for him. He'll be here early. He asked me to see if you would cook steak."

"Okay, Randy. I'll be in the kitchen." I nodded.

I walked into the kitchen and was halfway through dinner when I felt two hands go under my shirt rubbing my breasts. I screamed in surprise and tried to get away from the monster after me.

It was no use.

I cried and screamed and even tried hitting him. It still, was no use.

I wish Charlie would have put me in karate lessons. I remember begging Randy to stop then blacking out.

When I woke up I saw Randy, handcuffed, getting into a cop car.

Justice was served. Now comes the aftermath.

*End of flashback*

The bitch, Randy, had it coming. But who am I kidding? I like to sound big and bad on the inside but on the outside I'm scared like a rat in a cat hoarder's house.

That leads me to where I am now, in my room. Um, well my closet. I get nervous in my house now. I get a severe panic attack and freak out whenever I step into the kitchen. I haven't stepped out of my room since I got discharged from the hospital.

I like the feel of my closet though. It's little to where I can see and control everything. I cleaned it out, well dumped it out, so all my clothes and other unimportant things are scattered across the floor.

"It's a small world after all." I sung barely mouthing the words.

"It's a small world after all." I sung more as a whisper that you would say to a friend.

"It's a small world after all." I held out the word 'all' but still in a whisper.

"It's a small world where everyone dies." I sang loudly in a yell, and then remembered something…

"Except Fuckward and his family." I silently whispered the ending to my song.

So here I sit getting ready to go into my room and out of my closet. Out of my safety zone.

I open the door slightly and put my eye up to the crack, peering into my room. I cautiously open the door wide open and step out using the top of my feet so I don't make any noise. I look around. Please don't let anyone be in here other than me. The light is on. It's always on now.

I tiptoe to my bed and sit staring at the clothes scattered about my floor. I get up off my bed and take a moment to admire the purple covers before sitting down, now among the mountain of clothes.

It's funny really. Charlie's at work and its 11:00 a.m. and I'm just getting out of my closet to get dressed for the day. I can imagine him at work with his buddies:

Bill, (other police officer): "Hey Charlie. How's Isabella doing?"

Charlie: "Oh, she's fine. She might even be out of her closet now.

Yeah, that will go over real well if I want to be taken away by Social Services.

I look and focus on my clothes pulling myself out of my imaginary scenario. Among them are the brown turtle neck I wore with Fuckward and the prom dress Malice, (Alice) loaned to me. Son of a bitch! I didn't even want to go to prom!

I smile sinisterly and take them over to my computer desk. But, as I'm walking there I stub my toe.

"Damn it! Fuck you the ancient skittles of Greek! Ahhhh!" Wow. That felt good, Fuckward never let me cuss.

"Fuck. Shit. Bitch. Pansy. Whore. Slut. Homo." I tried the words out on my tongue. I liked it. No scratch that, I loved it! Cussing made me feel free. Like a fly before it splatters on a car's windshield. Okay, maybe that wasn't the best metaphor.

I get on eBay and post the dress for sale, knowing its 'one-of-a-kind' from a most likely, famous designer. I start the bid at $300.00 and set the setting so it gives people one week to place their bid. I smirk, that will show Alice. Literally, I hope she saw that. If not I will just have to make her.

I take out a piece of paper and write while saying:

"Alice, I'm forcing this vision to you so you can see how much you have damaged me. I figured it out, Alice. Fuckward lied, I get it. But honestly did I have to get fucking raped to see that?"

"Is this what sister's do? I don't think so. You know, the whole rape thing really changes a person. Like I can't even come out of my closet without thinking I will get killed, literally!"

"I know Fuckward lied about not loving me. I'm over him now. But seriously, what the fuck? You pack up your stuff and leave you're so called 'BFF'? I missed you Alice, and the rest of the family minus Fuckward. But, you should have seen me all depressed and shit, it hurt. I'm over your family. But I can never forgive you. Ever. I'm sorry about my temper, but as I've said. I have changed so much in a good way. But, I'm sick of this. If you don't call my cell phone in one hour I can't do this anymore. I need some answers. That's all I want. So if you won't call me in an hour, I'm done with Forks and maybe life. You can use your visions to verify my fucking choice if you want to. The only thing I really want are some answers and final goodbyes from everyone. Hopefully you'll call me so I can get my closure."

" The New Badass Bella" I finished with tears running down my face.

I looked at the clock 12:00 in the afternoon. She has until one to give me my needed closure.