Tears in Heaven
In the depths of the student crowded hallway, I let my phone slip smoothly from my grasp allowing it to clatter silently to the dirty floor. I don't even glance back at the device as my body sprints forwards; my target is only a couple of hallways away and I'm determined to get there as quickly as humanly possible.
Students shout and curse at me as I push them out of the way, I'll apologise to them later, but now I've got more important things to worry about. Around the last bend, where I have to catch myself from skidding away, I see a small crowd gathered anxiously around my intended target.
On my approach, the small group of glee club members graciously move to the side to offer me access to the door. There sad smiles make my already pounding heart jump in my chest. I swallow the feeling though, I need to be strong, just this once I need to be the strong one.
"Britt, thank god" Quinn steps into my path, momentarily blocking my way. I pause in a trance and stare at her in confusion, as her lips move with words I don't want to hear. "She's in there, we tried to help but she wouldn't listen. She's completely shut herself down"
I blink a couple of times at her words, letting them sink in before I calmly place my hands on either side of Quinn's shoulders. Her face remains static, worry lines etched into her delicate features. I wish she could see, see how much they care.
I smile sadly and squeeze at her shoulders; I hope she knows the meaning behind my action. I want her to know how grateful I am that she still cares and that she took care of her before I got here. Quinn's features soften ever so slightly, the frown lines disappear for a brief second. I hold onto that picture, knowing what will quickly appear again before I calmly brush her to one side clearing my path.
I don't look at them when I reach a shaky hand to open the choir room door, but I smile appreciatively as I hear their wishes of good luck. I'm surprised that the door is in fact unlocked; I would have thought that she'd have locked herself away. That's what she usually did, maybe she's changed.
Now fully in the room, I gently close the door behind me, making sure that I don't make too much noise and startle her. When my eyes quickly scan the room, it was pointless anyway, she's waiting for me.
I quickly sprint over, wrapping my arms tightly around her shoulders, pulling her body into mine. We fit perfectly together. As soon as my arms are locked tightly around her, I feel the first wave of a sob shake our interlocked bodies. Her head is nestled tightly into my neck; I can feel the constant waves of tears as they slide down my skin.
I want to comfort her and tell her that all her troubles will be magically fixed, and everything can be ok again. I know it would be a lie. I can't fix this, no one can. So I say the next best thing.
"Its ok San, I'm here for you".
I don't get a response, I don't expect one, but it hurts none the less. I can feel it, she's shut herself down, and her walls have crumbled around her leaving her in its black dusty wake. I just want to make it better, but I don't know how.
I concentrate on running my hands softly through her hair and patting at her back as her sobs continue on. She's broke, and when things are broke you get them fixed, but what would happen if they can't be fixed. All I know is that I don't want that to happen to Santana. I love her too much.
"San" I plead desperately to her. "Tell me, how I can fix this" I beg.
Her body tenses, I feel her muscle's clench at my sides as she pulls back from me. I let her go, releasing my hands from around her body, but I keep one of them firmly planted on her knee, I need to feel connected to her somehow.
"There's nothing you can do Brit" Her voice is harsh and strained. It sends a tingle down my spine, and not in a good way.
I look into her chocolate brown eyes, there swimming in fresh tears and hatred. I don't like the look on her, it doesn't suit. The sparkle I see in those eyes every day is gone, I hope not forever.
"She's gone forever Britt, and nothing you do will bring her back" She spits at me.
I sit there frozen as tears stream down her face, staining parts of her cheerio's outfit with salty stains as they roll off of her chin. Every tear trail cuts deep into her skin, scarring her face. I just want to reach out and wipe them all away.
"I'm sorry" I say, because there's nothing else to say. She's right; nothing I do will bring back her grandma.
I think she accepts my apology, or she's not mad at me anymore because one of her hands engulfs my own on her knee. I let our fingers link together, connecting us more strongly. Without thinking, I casually lift our interlocked fingers and place a gentle kiss to the back of Santana's hand.
My lips linger over the skin, as my eyes stay focused on hers, never leaving them. And for a second, I swear that I catch a brief glimpse of that sparkle back in her eyes. That's when I know, that although things are crappy now, they will eventually get better.
"I love you" I whisper the words gently into her skin before I let our hands drop back beside us.
Her tears continue to flow, but for a second a beautiful smile overtakes her face, lighting up the room. It's amazing how she can do that.
"I love you too Britt" She echoes my love declaration, squeezing on our hands. I smile shyly at her before furrowing my brow at her pained expression. My hands instantly release themselves and relocate to the sides of her face, guiding her eyes back onto me. I don't have to ask what's wrong; the words are already tumbling out of her lips before I have the chance.
"My grandma died hating me, her last words to me were anger filled demands, kicking me out of her house"
A strangled cry breaks free and I have to hold on tighter to her face as she tries to wrestle free. If I let her go, I might not get her back.
"Santana listen to me" I demand, leaning my face in closer to her so that she has no choice but to listen. "Your grandma didn't hate you, she never hated you"
"But..."
"No buts, your Grandma loved you dearly and I strongly believe that she always loved you. She was just momentarily confused, stuck between what she was taught to believe her whole life and the best thing that has ever happened to her, you".
Her eyes search mine rapidly, looking for something, for my words to be lies. But she won't find it; I meant every word of it. Santana's Grandma was a lovely caring soul; I met her many times although she never seemed to remember me. I saw the way she looked at Santana, how she would hover by her and protect her like a mother would. It wasn't her fault that she was forced to believe horrible prejudice thoughts, she had no choice. But though it all, I think deep down she still cared about Santana.
"You really think that" Santana asks, her eyes swimming with tears. But somehow these tears are different, they represent hope.
I smile and lean in; gently kissing away the last few tears that have escaped her eyes. When I pull back, she matches' my smile, gripping tightly to my upper arms holding my hands in place.
"Absolutely" I tell her. "And do you know what else" I continue.
She shakes her head warily, raising one of her eyebrows at me in an adorable fashion.
"You are very lucky to have a large group of people who also love you dearly and want to help" I tell her, while glancing suggestively at the door.
Her eyes follow my path and land on the door, where several pairs of eyes quickly dart away and out of sight.
I chuckle at their obviousness but thankfully Santana sees the funny side to it too. I hear her deep throaty laugh, the sound almost knocks me back but I sigh in content at the wonderful noise.
"Can we let them in" I say, bouncing on my spot. This gorges another chuckle from her but the sadness in her eyes returns once again. "We don't have to" I quickly say, feeling panicked.
"No its ok, they can come in" She quickly reassures, while turning her head to kiss at my hand delicately.
"Ok, then why are you crying" I ask, while brushing off a tear that has escaped down her red cheeks.
"Because, if you tell them this ill deny it but..." Her voice gets lower; I even have to lean my head in closer to pick up the words. "It's really touching and heart-warming knowing that their all there for me and that they care ok".
Her little blush makes my heart flutter in adoration. I don't see why she wouldn't want to share this side with everyone, it's truly mesmerising, but I keep my promise and nod letting her know that I won't say a word.
"Do you want me to call them in?" I ask, while lowering my hands from her face and onto her lap. As soon as my hand is there, one of her own instantly locks with mine, connecting us once again.
"Ok, but don't let me go" She begs, while squeezing at our hands.
"Never" I breathe before calling out for the new direction's to come in and join us.
