Ring! Ring! Ring!
Unknown Number
Clarke pressed the answer button and brought the phone up to her ear.
"Hello?"
There was a second of silence that was replaced by soft breathing sounds.
"Hello? Who is this?" Clarke asked but she was still met with silence.
"You're wasting my time, here. I'm going to hang up no-"
"It's me, Clarke.
Clarke froze. She knew that voice. It's been over two years since she last heard her voice but she knew it like her own. Letting out a shaky breathe, she swallowed the lump in her throat and spoke, "Lexa?" The blonde could feel the tears building up and she let them fall. "Where … Lexa where are you?"
"I gave in to my weakness. I just needed to hear your voice. Good bye, Clarke."
"No, Lexa, wait."
"Maybe someday we'll meet again."
"Lexa, plea-"
Clarke woke before the sun was even up; though that has been an easy task for the past two years, since she could barely sleep. She's been awake and staring at her window for an hour now, watching the sky change colors as the sun made its appearance only to be replaced by dark clouds.
Her dreams won't let her get more that a few hours of sleep and during the day she tried to get as much surgeries as she could. She quickly realized that if she spent too much time alone and not doing anything, all she could do was think about a certain brunette with green eyes. So after a month of wallowing and crying and desperately trying to find the woman she loves with no success, she buried herself with her work and started to build walls around her. She became closed off and kept her distance.
For the past 730 days, work was the only thing Clarke Griffin did.
For the past 730 days, Clarke Griffin has been working and living on autopilot.
Wake up.
Go to work.
Go home.
Sleep.
And do it all over again.
She could forget about her during the day, she has her patients and surgeries to keep her busy all day long to keep her mind from wandering someplace she'd rather not think about.
But in moments like these, when she's laying on her bed, wrapped in a blanket, in moments these this when all there is the sound of rain hitting the window, these are moments when she lets her walls down and lets herself be vulnerable. These rare moments are where she lets herself feel the loss, the anger, the sorrow, and everything else she kept bottled up in the presence of others.
The sudden sound of her phone ringing made her heart shoot straight up her throat, the dream she just had coming to the front of her mind. She unwrapped herself from the covers and blindly felt for phone on the nightstand. Once her fingers grasped the device she snatched it and answered, not bothering to look at the caller I.D.
"Did you sleep?" said a voice on the other line.
Clarke didn't realize she was holding her breath until she heard Raven's voice. She felt a pang of disappointment when it wasn't the voice she'd been longing for, but it was quickly replaced with anger and guilt for even hoping she'd hear that voice again.
"Yeah." Clarke replied. Her voice was still raspy and thick from the few hours of sleep she had managed to get.
"I'm coming over."
"Rae, I'm okay. This day is ju-"
"It's October 25. You're not okay. I'm coming over."
It was her day off and she had planned to spend the whole day cooped up in her apartment catching up on her TV shows while drinking herself to oblivion and stuffing her stomach with as much cheese pizza she could. I could still do that, she thought to herself, the only difference is that Raven with be watching me like a hawk.
The call ended and Clarke groaned. She lazily threw her phone across the room and it landed with a soft thud on the carpeted floor. Clarke rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling. The sound of rain echoing all around her and became too distracting for her. She pulled the covers off of her and got out of bed, her feet taking her to the bathroom in the hall across her bedroom.
Clarke was in the middle of rinsing her shampoo when her thoughts began to wander. She couldn't keep doing this, not anymore. She needed to stop and just forget about her. She needed to forget those emerald eyes that invade her dreams every night, she needed to forget the voice that she once got so used to hearing every day; it has been two years since she last heard Lexa's voice.
Two years.
She needed to let go. She needed to move on.
But how do you forget someone who took a piece of you with her when she left you?
Clarke shivered as the water ran cold. She turned the shower off and dried herself with a towel, wrapped it around her, walked back to the bathroom and got dressed. After getting dressed, Clarke made her way to the living room and sent a quick message to Raven.
Clarke: Make yourself useful. Bring me pizza and ice cream.
Raven: Got it, princess. Anything else?
Yes. Find Lexa.
Clarke: No. Thanks, Rae.
Raven: I'll be there in about 30 minutes. I love you, princess.
Clarke rounded the couch and sank into the soft cushions. She felt a pang of guilt when she read Raven's last message.
This is why she needed to forget about Lexa.
This is why she needed to move on.
How was it possible to love two different people at the same time?
She noticed the piece of folded out paper on the coffee table and the half empty bottle of vodka. They were exactly where she left them last night. She picked the paper up and stared at it. She lost count on how many times she has read the letter in the past two years; the paper itself was starting to tear at the lines from being folded and unfolded so many times over. Clarke knew every word, every sentence, and every punctuation mark written in this piece of paper that she could recite them without reading it. It felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest every time she reads it. She wonders if there will come a day where she can read it and feel nothing. She highly doubts it.
Is love enough to hold onto something that may never come back?
A knock on her door brought her out of her thoughts. She stood up and made her way to the front door and opened it. Outside stood Raven Reyes balancing three boxes of cheese pizza on one hand and holding a plastic bag of tubes of ice cream and Clarke could see a bottle of vodka in there as well.
"Hey there." Raven greeted. She kissed Clarke on the cheek and entered the apartment.
They were on the couch. Raven was seated at one end and Clarke was sprawled out on the couch, her head was rested on Raven's lap and her legs hanging on the other end. Raven's hand was softly stroking the blonde's hair while her left hand was on Clarke's hand, their fingers intertwined. An episode of Grey's Anatomy was playing on the TV in front of them and their eyes were glued to the screen, watching the awkward dinner party. Pizza boxes were piled on the floor, tubes of ice cream and two bottles of vodka littered the coffee table in front of them.
Clarke turned on her back and stared up at Raven. She reached up with her free hand and traced the brunette's jaw with her finger. A smile appeared on the other girl's face but she kept her eyes on the TV.
"Rae?"
It was barely above a whisper but Raven heard it nonetheless and tore her eyes from the screen and looked down at Clarke, "Yeah?" Blue eyes locked on brown. Clarke felt a warm feeling start in her heart and was slowly spreading across her chest and enveloping her. And in that moment, she made a decision. She cupped Raven's cheek and smiled when Raven turned her head and kissed her palm.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Everything."
Clarke's voice broke with the single word and silent tears streamed down her face.
"For being here. For not giving up on me. For loving me. For staying. I pushed people away but you're still here. You didn't allow me to fall into an abyss I didn't know I was falling into deeper and deeper each day since Lexa left. I haven't allowed myself to feel anything and I have been unfair to you. I'm so sorry, Raven."
She pulled her hand away and wiped at her tears. She heard the woman above her sniffle and she saw her wiping at tears as well. Clarke sat up and faced Raven, taking her hand in hers.
"I can't do this anymore, Raven."
Raven's eyes went wide, "Clarke, what are you-"
"Just let me finish, please."
Raven nodded and bowed her head down.
"Look at me, Rae."
The brunette shook her head.
Clarke sighed. She cupped both of Raven's cheek and lifted her head, looking straight into Raven's eyes.
"I can't do this to myself anymore. I'm letting her go. I'm sorry it took me so long but I'm letting go now."
Clarke leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Raven's, closing her eyes.
"She doesn't deserve my heart."
Clarke leaned in closer, their lips millimeters apart.
"But you do."
And with that, Clarke closed the distance between them and their lips met in a soft, gentle kiss.
