In a perfect world there was only peace and in a perfect world the men defending their country didn't live in a fear of having to go back because it was their duty when the safety of the land of the free was threatened and because going back to that place brought all of their nightmares to life but when the Taliban grew restless and even more dangerous than before even Jay's PTSD couldn't stop the tugging in the pit of his stomach because he had an obligation and he had to do what was right and he couldn't just sit back in the safety and the warmth of the apartment when his fellow soldiers were out and fighting and afraid and truth be told he had been doing better because he'd moved back in with his girl and the warmth of her body pressed up against him in the dead of the night kept him anchored to reality and the present and away from the gunshots and the blood and the death he'd fought so hard to stay away from.

So it came as a surprise when sitting down to dinner one night he'd blurted out that he was going back, her hazel eyes widening and her fork falling out of her fingers in bewilderment and he watched her nibble on her bottom lip because she was trying so hard not to burst and erupt and ask him what in the hell he was thinking because she was just getting used to waking up on Saturday mornings to the smell of scrambled eggs and a hot pot of coffee and the sound of his cheerful hums in the kitchen with a dish towel tossed carelessly onto his left shoulder and sometimes he'd come course her out of bed with a delicious amount of kisses on her lips and then down to her neck and sometimes breakfast was forgotten because the feeling of him and his hands and his lips was everything she'd ever been searching for and having him back here with her along with his own toothbrush and toothpaste and his over the top cleaning habits made every single hard day on the job and every single hard day with her mother a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

But she didn't argue, didn't question and instead began to clear the dishes and she suddenly felt really far away from him and he suddenly wished he could take the words back and rewind a few moments but he couldn't because his flight left in the morning and he wanted her there to send him off and he wanted to kiss her goodbye and know that she would be right here when he came back and he really didn't want to think about what would happen if she wasn't because damn would it be easy to let the guilt and the fear and the terrors swallow him whole without the promise of her hazel eyes or her scratchy 'I love yous' to come home to.

He went to pack his bags in a frustrated silence and then he let the cold water of his shower pelt down onto his bare skin and he let his fingernails dig into the palms of his hands as they clenched into fists because he was afraid of the place he was going to and he really just needed her to hold him and tell him that it all was going to be okay but here they were on separate ends of the apartment and it caused his stomach to twist into nervous knots.

Jay wandered back out into the kitchen after slipping into a pair of loose sweatpants but the lights were off and it was empty and he suddenly had this horrible thought that she ducked out and headed to Voight's for the night because he was well aware that she was upset and could very well need her space but he was also well aware of the fact that that meant she'd made up her mind and that she wouldn't be here whenever it was he ended the deployment and that killed him a little bit inside.

In a huff of defeat his feet carried him back to the bedroom they shared and to his surprise she was already curled up underneath the covers and her ridiculous amount of pillows were tossed onto the floor which meant she was waiting for him to fill up the rest of the bed which meant she hadn't been planning on leaving him after all and as he climbed in next to her he couldn't stop himself from burying her face in the crook of her neck and breathing in the faint coconut scent of her shampoo and kissing her neck because she was here and because he loved her more than absolutely anything and he didn't stop his assault until she shifted to face him and his favorite hazel eyes found his face and she reached out her tiny fingers to brush against his cheek.

"I'm going to miss you. But I'm so proud, Jay," she murmured, her lips turning up in a grin and her dimples appearing as he leaned forward to kiss her nose and then her forehead because somehow just holding her in his arms he was sure that he was going to be okay and that he could do this because he had Erin Lindsay to love and to cherish and he would fight every damn day to get to come back to her and he would fall asleep every night with the knowledge that she was home and waiting for him and that she loved him just as much as he loved her.

"I'll see you soon, Erin."

"I'm counting on it."

He'd been gone three weeks now and the bullpen still felt empty and the apartment felt even more so without him and the team had started to pick up on the fact that she wasn't quite as feisty and wasn't as quick to pitch her ideas and Hank had considered giving her a few days of leave but he had also considered the fact that that would more than likely make her go stir crazy and maybe cause her to do something drastic and he was secretly keeping an eye on her for the time they were on a case because she no longer lived under his roof and of course she would resent him if he had stopped her from working because she was so passionate about her job and helping others and it was the only thing keeping her from sitting in the burning hot shower and sobbing her eyes out with worry because she hadn't heard his voice in fifteen days.

The bust at the end of the day had come as a much needed distraction and as the team suited up to head over to the warehouse Erin welcomed the sudden and familiar rush of adrenaline that flooded her veins because she would finally get to do something useful and as Hank finished strapping up her bulletproof vest she managed a tight smile at his hushed words of encouragement because she was well aware she hadn't been at her best these past few cases but she was also well aware that Hank understood just as he understood she would never give anything less than her all when it came to catching the sons of bitches they'd been chasing after for days.

Her and Atwater had been the first to breach and as she listened to Olinsky's steady instructions in her earpiece from out in the van across the street warning her of the guards and the guns and the security cameras on each corner she tried to ignore the rushed pitter patter of her heartbeat and the muted thuds of her boots on the ground and maybe if she'd been paying more attention or maybe if she'd heard the last second hint of alarm in Alvin's voice she could've shifted an inch to the right or hit the ground for cover and the bullets would've missed her and the edges of her vision wouldn't have blurred and she wouldn't have had to fight to keep her eyes from drifting closed as Kevin finally knelt down at her side, howling for Voight and for Ruzek and pressing his fingers into what she was pretty sure was her shoulder and then she heard another round of gunshots and howls and thuds of bodies hitting the ground and the last piece of her consciousness was filled with Hank's gruff voice screaming for an ambulance and then she couldn't be quite sure but she thought she heard the mention of Jay before the the world shifted out of focus and it all faded to black.

Hearing Voight's rough murmur over his walkie talkie well before sunrise sent a shiver straight to Jay's bones because his boss knew he was only supposed to call if it was an emergency and as his mind slowly came back into consciousness and he heard what sounded like Erin's name it took him only two minutes to wake up the entire camp and beg someone to get him on a helicopter because Hank Voight had called him and he had this sick feeling settling in the pit of his stomach that it was bad, that it was really, really bad because he was all the way across the ocean and Hank had still made it a priority to call.

He made it to her bedside after seventeen hours and thirty-two minutes and he had never hated himself any more than he did during those seventeen hours and thirty-two minutes because she was his partner and he'd promised he'd always have her back and looking at her pale, broken frame in the stark white hospital issued sheets he couldn't help and shoulder the blame because if he had been in there with her and right beside her maybe this wouldn't have happened and he wouldn't be squeezing her freezing cold fingers and desperately kissing her knuckles and trying to keep the tears at bay because Will was hovering and so was Hank and he still had a tiny bit of dignity and as much as he wanted to curl up beside her and give her some of his warmth he knew he couldn't be selfish here because Erin had so many others that loved her and cared for her and he couldn't blame them for hovering because he hadn't even been home to change out of his uniform or to shower or even just down the hall to the break room for a cup of coffee and a couch where he could close his eyes for maybe three minutes but he declined every single damn time because he'd left her once and here she was unconscious with two tiny holes in her and every once and awhile he felt Hank squeeze his shoulder before he ducked out to update the rest of the unit.

"Jay, hey- I need to tell you something," Will murmured and Jay managed to flick his eyes away from Erin's face to look at him in his white coat and his maroon scrubs and for a second he almost laughed out loud because his brother had ended up as a doctor and the irony of it all still got to him sometimes because Will had finally cut the crap in college and made something of himself and here he was about to deliver some obviously not good news about the love of his life because he was frowning and Jay finally saw the new stack of papers and charts he was flipping hastily through and he felt the tears well back up in his eyes and damn it maybe this time he would cry because he wasn't sure he had it in him to keep it together for the sake of anyone anymore.

But then Jay felt the tiniest hint of a squeeze on his right hand and his heart lurched and Erin's hazel eyes blinked open and her brow turned down in the most adorable crease of a frown and it took everything in him not to wrap her up in his arms right then and there but he remembered she was sore and she looked so, so fragile and even though she was pretty damn sure his girl could handle it he also knew she hadn't allowed many pain meds if any to course through her systems like a normal shooting victim because she had always been deathly afraid of a relapse and a few bullets weren't going to change her mind. But then he realized she wasn't looking at him, she was looking at his brother and so he sat silently and busied himself with stroking the pad of his thumb over her knuckles because he wanted to collapse in relief and exhaustion.

"I- I want to tell him," Erin croaked and he watched Will nod and slide the glass door closed leaving just the two of them and then it was his turn to frown because she'd obviously been conscious enough to hear Will and maybe it was the grogginess finally catching up to him after the fourteen hour flight but he couldn't for the life of him figure out what the hell was going on so he leaned forward to gently brush his lips against her cheek before she found the words to explain.

"Jay, I- I'm pregnant. I- we're having a baby," she whispered, and then the tears finally welled in her hazel orbs and in his blue ones and he finally understood why she'd turned down a drink at his birthday party and every single other time he'd asked for the past few weeks and how the hell hadn't he noticed but he pulled her ever so gently into his arms and he felt her rest her head on his chest and he was convinced that in this moment he was the happiest he had ever been and ever would be.