Harry was very sad. No one wanted to suck his all-powerful, dark-lord-defeating-saviour-of-the-world big…toe. He decided to wander the halls of Hogwarts. He knew a house-elf down in the kitchens that sometimes gave him a good, hard suck…on his big toe. But with that he would not be satisfied tonight! He wanted, craved someone of the same species!!! After all he was the wizarding saviour of all hot wizards everywhere. It was a shame that Lockhart had moved out and forgotten their secret love trysts.

Yes. Indeed. Harry Potter was very sad. Very sad and unsatisfied.

Meanwhile, Ron was walking back from his secret quidditch practices. He was embarrassed and didn't want Harry to know he was inexperienced with a broom.

But fate was looking kindly on these two boys tonight; Harry was in fact very experienced with his…I mean…a broom. Come on! He was the youngest 'seeker' ever! Not that we're calling our Harry a slag, but he'd been round the proverbial block a few times. Even with the very uniquely shaped potions MASTER, who, coincidentally, was walking back from the HEADmaster's office. Hogwarts was a very saucy place. Oh dear, how could the young Potter not be getting any?!?

And…Aha! Ronald Weasely enters the building…

"P-professor" he stuttered. Snape gave him the heeby-jeebies….but in a good way.

"Weasley," Snape acknowledged "shouldn't you be in bed….sleeping….with all the other young gryffindors?" Snape had an odd gleam in his eye.

Ron felt his breath catch in his throat, what was this flippy-floppy feeling in his stomach? Without thinking he yelled:

"Yop. Pop. Floppp! I cannot take this SWEET torture no more…homedog what are you doing to me?"

"You mean what WILL I do to you, youngest Weasel (I'm not counting your sister- she's a girl), to gain my favour? MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Insane grin, rabid breathing

They leaned closer, Ron's breath quickened; he was almost touching professor Snape…

"AHH!" Both of their heads whipped towards the sound and they saw Harry who had only one shoe on and had a very disturbed looking house-elf following behind him. The scream had apparently been caused by the fact that he was now missing a toe. Wow, those magical beings sure can suck!

"Err lads? What's going on (down) over here?"

Snape seeing Harry's bare foot simply lost control, his facing contorting as he shrieked the words:

"Snooky fooky table wable-oooky!!!!"

Harry and Ron turned to each other, eyes wide. Before them a huge snooky fooky- I mean snooker table had appeared.

"What's that Snivellus?" asked Harry (SHOCKED TO THE CORE, NOTHING HAD PREPARED HIM FOR THIS).

"No! My name is Snape for a reason! A mixture of snooker and rape!! Get your balls out boys. It's play time." He said taking out his big hard cue and an evil smirk on his face…

TBC