This is, yet again for me, pretty rushed, but I was asked to write it by someone on twitter and wanted to get it written before we moved too far on and I forgot about it. This is just a gap-filler from the two scenes from 19/2 episode while Carla is in surgery, because I wished we could have a whole spin off episode of this, to be honest.
"And what is it you'd like to know about her?"
"I dunno, I suppose I just want to…. Understand her better" Johnny sighed, words failing him. He felt like an imposter, a fraud, for even having to ask.
The other man, the man who he knew had been more of a father to her in the past few years than he ever had in his daughter's entire life, offered with a hint of reluctance to 'fill in the gaps', and his heart sunk.
"You'd do that?"
"It would help pass the time" he tried to pass it off as a casual thing, to protect his feelings, Johnny suspected, and part of him wished he wouldn't. By rights, Roy Cropper should have told him where to go, appalled that he'd even have the gall to ask him to help him take the lazy way out. He should have spent the past two years getting to understand her better himself, instead of burying his head in the sand and trying to ignore his catastrophic failure as a father. No wonder Carla hadn't told him she was ill - why should she have? He hadn't earned her confidence, not even slightly.
What was it she'd called Roy before she went into surgery? A second dad. He knew what that had meant. Johnny may have been biologically her father but in any way that mattered, the man he'd mocked for playing scrabble was her real father. It was Roy she'd confided in when given harrowing news, Roy who had insisted she move in with him so he could after her, and whilst she'd never admit it, he knew it would be Roy she'd choose over him, every time.
"What would you like to know?" Roy asked for the second time.
"I don't know…" Johnny responded, honestly. What one question is there to ask to help you understand the daughter you ignored for forty years? In the end he settled for what he hoped might be a leading question. "How did you two end up so close? I mean no offence but… on paper, I'd never put you two together!"
"She was a good friend of my late wife," the other man answered, matter of factly. "Hayley worked for Carla for a number of years, as I'm sure you're aware. When she was diagnosed, Carla was a huge source of support, to Hayley initially but later to me, too. Were it not for Carla I don't think I'd have had the courage to attend her funeral. She quite literally threw my suit at me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was going whether I liked it or not", he smiled briefly at the memory, before his tone softened and his face became more serious again. "I'll never forget that".
Johnny grinned. "Typical no nonsense Carla then!"
"Oh yes, you can always rely on her to cut to the chase." He paused, as though checking Johnny's reaction to see if it was safe to expand on his story. "When Hayley was dying, she always said how much she loved Carla's visits, largely for that reason, I believe. Of course seeing someone, especially a friend or family member so frail…. Well, it's difficult. People don't know what to say. They mutter about how sorry they are and how much they care, and then conversation becomes strained, people feel awkward. Quite understandably of course" he quickly added, as though scared of offending someone, "But Carla, she… Well, I think the best way to phrase it is she treated her normally, if you understand? I don't doubt that those visits were as painful for her as they were to others, in fact she's told me so on several occasions, but you'd never have known. She just sort of breezed in, cracked jokes, kept her updated on factory stuff. For those last few weeks not much made Hayley laugh, but Carla did".
Johnny smiled, a warm sense of pride creeping over him that he still wasn't entirely sure he had a right to feel. He knew that humour, that strength of character only too well.
"And I guess that's my primary impression of Carla. She has this great, resilient spirit that endures despite the adversity she's had to overcome. I think that's rare in people, and it's something to be treasured."
"Absolutely" Johnny agreed, hoping he was able to hide his guilt. Adversity - he knew all about that. He also knew that much of that adversity, at least the early parts of it, were largely his own making. Not a day would go by when he wouldn't torture himself for the way he'd treated her in the past, for sitting on his doubts and being too cowardly, too comfortable in his own life to risk rocking the boat by finding out the truth earlier. Not that keeping it a secret had done him any favours either. Perhaps had he not been so pig headed and cocky, thinking he could keep his secret, then Lou would still be alive. Aidan and Kate would have a mother. And of course, Carla's life would have been drastically different, too. He'd never regret for a second that she was alive, but he'd forever be wishing he could go back and handle it all differently. He knew what kind of a mother he was leaving his daughter with, the life they lead. He saw evidence enough of it on a daily basis - be it Sharon staggering across the estate, or her children with dirty clothes and empty stomachs. But he chose to ignore it, because it suited him. She'd never forgive that, no matter how close they may one day become, and he'd never forgive himself. Perhaps that was why she found himself being so protective now - making up for lost time.
Or maybe the guilt was just getting to him, but either way the thought of her going through this hell when there was nothing he could do about it chewed him up inside. If he could have been a donor himself he'd have leapt at the chance, throw caution to the wind, and if it killed him in the process then so be it. But instead he was having to watch his son go through the transplant instead, why he sat on a damp bench in the cold asking a better than him for information on his own daughter.
He sighed, resisting the urge to check his watch again in case he made this man uncomfortable. "She's been through a lot", he eventually replied, a statement of fact, not a question. I won't pretend to know the details, I wasn't even in the country at the time but I heard about the whole mess with Tony Gordon. Tragic, really, Liam was a great bloke. But something like that it… It must haunt her, you know?-"
"She begged for Hayley's life" Roy cut in, monotone, as though directed at no one in particular. Then he quickly remembered himself. "I'm sorry I… I don't mean to interrupt but if we're talking about that man and if, like you say, you want to understand Carla better then, well I feel that's a vital piece of the puzzle, so to speak"
"No, no, go ahead, please. So Tony threatened Hayley?" How had he never known about this man's involvement? He once again cursed himself for his earlier judgement.
"In the factory siege, yes". Roy adjusted his position on the bench, a physical projection of his own discomfort. "Well, it was me he wanted to punish but… to cut a long and, at this point rather trivial story short, she and Carla ended up held at gunpoint. He was threatening to blow the whole place up, burn all three of them to death, with me stood outside, forced to listen. And all I could hear was Carla, pleading with Tony to let Hayley go, telling him to punish her but let her go, that she'd done nothing wrong. And he did. He'd have killed her, and yet in that moment Carla cared only about my wife." Roy paused, reflecting. "You know, I don't think I ever thanked her for that. But I know that Hayley always remembered it, it's probably why they became so close".
Now he really had no comeback. He remembered those times, or the parts of it he was told by certain members of the family, anyway. Carla had been the villain of the piece: if you believed some people then she was the reason his cousin's son was dead. Funny how at no point had this particular story come up in conversation. If only he'd known back then, or let himself accept what he already knew, deep down. Yet more regrets, yet more time wasted, more opportunities to make her life better that he'd thrown away. It was all such a mess.
There was a long pause. Johnny could hear the ticking of his watch from the inside of his coat pocket.
"I don't know if I deserve to feel proud," Johnny finally broke the silence, "but I do."
"She is your daughter," Roy answered, "Of course you can. And should".
Another pause.
"Well, if a psycho with a gun can't take her down then I don't rate this illness' chances!" He tried to joke, "Even as a kid, you wouldn't want to cross her! Knows her own mind, does Carla. She's stubborn."
"Stubbornness can be an admirable quality" the other man responded, seemingly sensing his discomfort and following suit to lighten the mood.
"She probably got that from me!"
