Author Note: Feeling a bit blue tonight and thought I'd try to get over it by trying to write how Amanda might act feeling this way. Maybe some of you will get how I feel tonight too. This is set just after Amanda gets her job back at the end of "Murder Between Friends".
Amanda leaned on the wall of the bullpen watching all the agents scurrying in and out, all busy, all intent on doing their part to save the world. No one was paying any attention to her just like she was invisible. Lee was perched on the edge of Francine's desk. She still looked kinda sour about her expense budget being cut in half but it looked like Lee was most of the way into flirting her back into a good mood. He was good at that, she thought; he had a charm he saved especially for Francine when she was like this. Old friends are like that, she thought; they have a special code that makes them slot together comfortably. Not like me and him; the way we fight about almost everything.
No one paid attention to Amanda as she stood there, the silent watcher, quiet but taking everything in, as if she was observing animals in a zoo.
"Everything allright Amanda?" asked Billy Melrose walking up to her.
Amanda straightened up and gave him a sad smile. "Oh yes sir I'm fine. Just a bit tired and out of sorts."
"Why would you be out of sorts? I thought you'd be happy with how everything worked out here. Getting your job back and the raise, I mean."
"Oh yes Mister Melrose! I'm very happy about that sir, and very grateful! It's going to make all the difference having that extra money come in especially with summer coming and all the activities the boys want to do!"
"Glad to hear it" he said but then looked at her more closely. "But you still don't seem happy. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Not really sir. I'm just feeling a little off balance these days."
"Well it's been quite a week so I can't say I'm surprised" he smiled at her with a paternal look.
"I guess that's it" she said with a sigh. "Maybe I just need to figure out where I belong once and for all."
"Well you belong here" Billy said right away. "I don't know what we'd do without you now."
"Oh I don't think that's true" she said. "I don't think anyone would really have noticed if I hadn't come back. I'm sorry" she said right away. "That sounds like I'm ungrateful and I'm really not, truly. But I'm still the outsider here."
"I don't think of you that way" Billy stated with emphasis. "And I'm sure Lee doesn't."
"Oh yes he does" answered Amanda. "And I am. I'm not a real agent like Francine and the steno pool thinks I'm competing with them for Lee the way I spend so much time with him although he doesn't think of me that way but it still means I don't fit in with the other girls. I mean, oh my gosh, I still wear a visitor pass every time I come in to work! I'm not even a real employee."
"I should do something about that" agreed Billy. "It's ridiculous."
"And it's not just here I don't fit in anymore" said Amanda. "I'm the only divorced mom in our neighborhood and now I work crazy hours that makes it hard for me to make friends out there in the real world. The friends I shared with my ex-husband have all kinda drifted away now that I'm single again. I guess I'm just feeling lonely."
"I see" said Billy sounding almost like he understood.
"And Byron Jordan was nice – even if it was probably never going to be romantic, it was nice that someone seemed to be interested in me for me." Amanda gave another sigh. "Oh well, I guess I should be happy that I didn't fit in with the girls down at the county jail, huh?" She gave Billy another sad smile, then looked across the room to where Lee had finally got Francine laughing again.
Billy looked at her, not sure how to cheer her up when everything she said was probably true. Amanda could tell he didn't know what to say and patted his arm.
"Don't mind me Mister Melrose. Like I said, I'm just tired and cranky. It'll be better tomorrow." She walked away, glancing one more time at Lee who never noticed her leaving.
"I hope so" said Billy. He could feel the lingering effects of her sadness as she left the bullpen. It didn't seem right that someone who was normally a ray of southern sunshine could feel that way. He looked over at Lee, who he knew spent a lot of time hiding his loneliness with wine, women and song. Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone he thought.
"Stetson!" he yelled across the room. "Come here. I've got a job for you!"
End Note: Sorry, this came out kind of sad but Lee can probably cheer her up. I know I could use some Stetson charm right about now.
