I've been hemming and hawing over the last two days about whether or not I'm actually going to publish this. Evidently, I've decided I'm going to. Fair warning, though: it takes a fairly different stride than my usual writings. It's nearly the polar opposite...
Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club ;_;
It's hard, having a twin. Or any sibling, for that matter. You love them to death, and want nothing more but for them to be happy, but when they find that happiness with someone else, then suddenly…they're gone.
He found someone. Hikaru, I mean. He moved out a week ago to be with her, and I've never felt so lonely. And you know what makes it better? I'm the reason he even got to know the girl in the first place.
It was our mother's annual garden fashion party. All the usual guests were there: neighbours we pretended to like, distant relatives we've never seen before but act as if we have, and business associates. This time, one of the associates, the head of a major fashion company, brought his teenage daughter along. Horrible man, he was. It baffled me how kind and sweet his daughter turned out. Well, of course, once we had discovered that, Hikaru just fell head over heels for her. I told him to go and talk to her; you know, find out her name and stuff like that, but he just fussed about making excuses. So I gave him a push. Within ten minutes, those two had hit it off, and before we knew it, they had eloped to escape the wrath of the girl's father when he found out she was engaged to a boy he didn't approve of. That man has problems. Hikaru's the most wonderful boy in the world. I should know.
I miss him terribly. Not as much as at first, but I'm still very aware of the empty space beside me. Everywhere I go, the loneliness hangs over me like a dark shadow, and while I'm slowly getting used to it, I don't think it'll ever be the same.
At least I seem to have come to terms with it. The day after we found out what Hikaru had done, I was in shock. We found out in the most horrible way, too. Hikaru had disappeared the night before, and the next day one of the maids had gone to the market, and when she returned, she said she overheard some people gossiping. She said that they had mentioned an auburn-haired boy and a black-haired girl, both from prestigious families, had run off in the middle of the night to escape the girl's father and live a happy life together. It didn't take long for my mother and me to put the pieces together.
My whole world basically crashed to the ground around me. I was devoid of emotion for a while, but after lunch while I was going up the stairs, I started to talk as if Hikaru was still there. I asked him a question-can't remember what anymore-and when I didn't get an immediate answer I turned around to see why not. The realization that Hikaru really was gone nearly killed me. I collapsed in the middle of the staircase. My heart and chest ached terribly; I could barely breathe. My body shook out of my control, and I could feel the hot tears pouring down my face. The person I cared about the most, the one whose life was more important to me than my own, was gone.
I know not how long I lay like that. By the time I was all cried out and had gathered enough strength to lift my head and open my eyes, it was very, very dark. I supposed that whoever had passed me on the way up or down the stairs had just left me alone, or had avoided the stairs all together. I summoned the will to drag myself up the stairs and into my room, where I collapsed on my bed.
I lay in bed for two whole days. When I think back to it, I really don't know why I stayed there so long. I was miserable. With Hikaru in the bed with me, I was always warm. Without him, however, I couldn't have been colder. The bed seemed huge, too; I felt like a little child, all alone in a big department store. That happened to me once. I took a wrong turn and got lost, but Hikaru tore the whole store apart until he found me again.
Every passing moment, I think about him. During those two days in bed, one of our maids would bring me trays of food, but I never ate anything off them. I couldn't bring myself to eat. Even when my body would scream at me for food, I didn't have the will to eat.
It was on the third morning that I finally realized something.
I woke up just like I had on the two previous mornings: with dry and sore eyes, cheeks streaked, and utterly exhausted. The third morning was different, though. It was as if something inside of me had…woken up, kind of. It seemed to say, are you sure you're not taking this too hard?
At that moment, everything froze. I began to think clearly for the first time in four days. I thought of how I had wasted forty-eight hours of my life lying in bed, moping over something that was out of my hands. I realized…I was weak. Overreacting.
Hikaru wasn't dead. Sure, I didn't know where he was-and I still don't know-but that doesn't mean I'll never see him again. I will. Even if I have to go to the ends of the Earth, I'll see him again.
After I had sorted all that out, I sat up. I pulled my ipod off my nightstand and placed the headphones over my ears. I pressed play, not caring what the song was as long as I got some noise in my ears again after four days of silence. I ended up listening to "Only Exception." I felt fresh tears roll down my cheeks, but these were…different. They were tears of determination, of resolve. I swung my legs out of bed and reached over to one of the trays of food, snatching an apple. I ate, still listening to the song, still crying, still determined to see Hikaru again.
Even if I have to go to the ends of the Earth, I'll see you again, Hikaru.
