Disclaimer: I'm not Cassandra Clare thus own none of the characters.
The Question
This is slightly AU, set around CoLS when Alec was scared and had doubts about their relationship, but in another universe, where the horrid events of infamous page 511 were nothing more than a nightmare…
Or in a much better world where Camille didn't make it to the 21st century…
I wish I could see myself through your beautiful eyes…
Bad day
Alec woke up with a start, breathing heavily, memories of the dream he just had, already slipping away. He only remembered bits and pieces of the nightmare… There was… a subway… and Magnus… Magnus, saying-
'No! No… No… it was a dream… only a dream…'
He shook his head violently, he couldn't, and neither tried to recover the rest… He didn't want to. Absently, Alec reached a hand to his eyes and realized that he'd been crying.
'He wouldn't… He… He loves me… Right? But…'
"Not that it changes anything." Fragmental images of the Warlock walking away, leaving him all alone in the cold came back unbidden, and he shook his head again, trying to cast them away…
He turned his head to look at Magnus who was fast asleep his arm draped over him, holding him close, and found himself staring at the Warlock's face in the dim-lighted room.
His lips were parted slightly, his face was peaceful and his slender hand was clutching Alec's shirt as he slept. When sleeping, his caramel skin was devoid of make-up and glitter and he looked even younger than normal, and very vulnerable. The Nephilim smiled involuntarily; he was so beautiful…
'Why… Why would someone like you… love… me?' Even though the dream had faded already, he still remembered the last thing he saw before waking up. Magnus walking away from him, leaving him alone in the Darkness. More sombre thoughts invaded his mind, and he felt his heart constrict.
'Even if it was just a dream… It's inevitable… Soon he will realise… That he has no reason to love me… to be with me… Soon he'll come to his senses and leave me…' He felt tears burning behind his eyes; 'I have to go… I'll wake him up…' He tried to gently pry open the Warlock's fingers which were still holding onto his shirt, without waking him up but he failed.
"Alec?" Magnus asked looking at him through half-lidded eyes heavy with sleep and the boy felt his heart lurch. 'So beautiful…'
"What's wrong sweetheart?" The Warlock whispered worried when the boy said nothing. Alec had to bite back a sob rising in his chest… 'He's so perfect… and all I am is…'
"Nothing." He said finally, shaking his head to cast all thoughts aside, while trying to make his voice as even as possible. "I'll just be a minute." He added getting up, and Magnus reluctantly let him go; "Don't keep me waiting!" he called after him, smiling. Alec forced a smile and quickly disappeared in the bathroom shutting the door behind him and collapsing against it, sliding to the floor. All the dark feelings and fears he was suppressing for so long, hit him like a wave once he was alone. He clutched his face in his hands and pulled his knees on his chest fighting to stifle the sobs that overtook his body. Cruel thoughts, brought to the surface swirled into his head.
'You're good for nothing!' 'Ugly' 'Useless' 'Freak' 'No one could love you' 'Weakling'
"Stop…" He choked out "Don't think, don't think, don't think…" he chanted to no avail, tears falling from his blue eyes. In his mind he saw Magnus again, looking at him coldly, like he was a stranger he didn't even like.
'Soon he will see you for what you truly are… And he will toss you aside as you deserve… Just like he did in that dream… You don't deserve his love.'
Another sob fell from his lips and he curled into a ball trying to pull it together.
'Breathe, don't think, empty your mind…' He ordered himself, but the voices wouldn't be swayed.
'Hateful.' 'Trash.' 'Useless.'
"No, no, no…" He whimpered "Stop, stop…"
A knock on the door pulled him out of his reverie. "Sayang? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Magnus asked from the other side of the door and Alec harshly bit his lip drawing blood in an attempt to muffle his sobbing. He took a deep breath and once more, tried to make his voice even before speaking up, but failed miserably and stuttered, "Y-Yes, why wouldn't I be?"
"Alexander, you are a horrible liar, let me in." "I… I'm fine Magnus… Go to sleep…" 'He can't see me like that… He'll hate me… I'm so pathetic and weak…' However, Magnus would have none of that. "Alexander!" He raised his voice in a tone full of authority "If you don't open this door right now, so help me, I'm gonna destroy it!" A laugh escaped the Nephilim's lips and he smiled softly despite himself 'Bossy…'
"Alec!" He repeated and the boy sighed, a positive thought finally gracing his mind; 'He sounds really worried… He must care a lot…'
It was short-lived, however, and soon to be replaced by something darker. 'He's just angry at you for acting like a brat, that's all. That's why he's shouting.'
"Magnus…" he called in a strained voice; 'He can't see me like that…' "Please." he begged, and then added in a whisper, "I don't want you to hate me even sooner…" However, Magnus heard. "What?" The Warlock's voice echoed incredulous. "Alexander! What's that supposed to mean? I could never hate you! Open the door!"
'If only that was true…' Alec thought dropping his head on his knees again. "I'm sorry…" he only said and then fell silent hugging his knees to his chest. Unable to help himself, he started sobbing once more, the voices crueler than ever now that he wasn't ignoring them anymore.
'Everything's your fault… Everything!' His inner voice accused and he gasped, struggling to breathe through the tears.
'Why… Everything was so perfect, why now?' he asked himself curling into a ball, surrendering to the sobs that wracked his body. He was so out of it, lost in his grief, that he didn't notice the shadow over him, or heard the light footsteps coming his way. Suddenly, he felt familiar strong but gentle arms around him, hugging him tightly and Magnus' beloved warmth and scent enveloping him.
"How… How did you…?" He stuttered. "I'm a Warlock baby… I created a portal of course… Did you really think I was going to stay away while you were in pain?" When Alec remained silent Magnus went on. "Sweetheart… What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Alec just hugged him back clutching him desperately like a lifeline. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" he muttered into the Warlock's shirt, staining it with tears.
"Alexander…"
The way Magnus said his name every time, was so comforting… It made him feel loved. Magnus whispered it like a prayer; with adoration seeping from his voice, as if he was talking about something precious, something beautiful and beloved… Not the broken boy in his arms who would never believe he could be any of those things… Now, there was also a deep sadness in the Warlock's voice, seeing his beloved breaking to pieces like that, and not knowing why, or what he could do to make him better. "Alexander…" He repeated, "Did…" his voice faltered and broke "Did I… do something that hurt you?"
Alec's head shot up "No!" he shouted, looking deep into Magnus' eyes "No, no, no, no, no… Never! You… You, are perfect… It's all my fault… I… I am not good enough…" he said in a brittle voice. "I will never… Could never… be… good enough for you. Good enough to deserve you…"
Magnus was staring at him at a loss for words, disbelief etched on his beautiful features "What?" he managed, finally.
"I'm scared…" Alec went on, his voice low.
…
Okay! Change of plans! Because I had two rough drafts and couldn't pick between them, I'll add them both! So, both ch.2 and 3, happen immediately after the end of ch.1. Consider them two alternative endings.
I really hope you liked it! Please let me know what you thought so far! {I apologise if it was OOC! I'm sorry!}
Next update will be tomorrow!
