A/N: I have no idea how many chapters this is going to be. I came up with the idea and I really fell in love with it. I've outlined it in my head, but how the story changes, we shall find out.
Side Note: aniki means "big brother" in Japanese (one of the variations, at least). I usually don't like using Japanese mixed into my fics (though I do study the language in college), but this is something specifically that Killua calls Illumi as a term of endearment in the manga and anime. There is a point in the timeline where he stops calling him that and actually refers to him at Illumi (once Alluka is introduced). But for the purposes of this story, the term is being used.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the HxH franchise
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Safe
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Killua stood staring, his blue eyes wide, at his best friend. Gon was furious, screaming at the two men before him, knowing good and well that they could snap him in two if they really had any interest in it. Illumi and Hisoka, two of the only people on Earth whom Killua had learned to fear. Sure, he'd stood up to them when it came to Alluka, back when Gon's life had been on the line. But that was almost a year ago and his confidence in facing them had long worn off. That didn't stand in Gon's way, however. The boy continued to scream in rage at the two, though Killua had long since tuned out of what exactly he was saying. The men before him wore expressions of vague annoyance- as if a gnat was buzzing around them.
Killua should have been angry too. They had taken Alluka from him, ripped her life from his arms. They had taken the only part of his family whom he still loved, the only family who truly loved him. They had taken her life from him and ended it, just like that. He should have been angry, but all emotion was trapped somewhere inside of him. He wanted to scream like Gon. He wanted the tears that were searing holes in the back of his eyeballs to overflow. He wanted to wipe those holier-than-thou looks off their faces. He wanted to kill them. But instead he just stood there, shaking uncontrollably, Alluka's lifeless body at his feet. Instead he was scared. He was afraid of being alone. Afraid of being weak. Afraid of being swept up in his family again. But most of all, right at that moment, he was afraid of his best friend.
"I'll kill you… I'll kill you both for what you've done!" The boy in front of him, screamed, body convulsing in pure rage. "I won't forgive you for this!"
Illumi didn't seem the least bit perturbed by Gon's declaration. In fact, he seemed almost bored. Hisoka's interest was at least somewhat peaked, eyebrows raised, no doubt sensing the bloodlust leaking from his body. Killua, on the other hand, was terrified. Flashes of a destroyed Gon made their way through his mind. The Gon who lost every trace of humanity after someone he cared about was killed. The Gon who forgot his best friend. The "it has nothing to do with you" Gon. He thought of this Gon and it rocked him to his core. He wanted to stop him. To tell him to run, to give it up, to try to be innocent one last time. He just wanted him to stop. But he couldn't.
"Saisho wa gū," Killua's eyes widened, horror filling them as he saw the yellow burst of aura building in Gon's fists.
"No…" He whispered, shaking his head.
"Jan ken-"
"Gon, stop!" Killua suddenly screamed out before being hit in the chest with so much force that his body was sent flying into the wall.
"Killua!" Gon stopped his attack, spinning around to see Illumi stalking over to his younger brother's crumpled form. Hisoka placed a card against Gon's neck, preventing him from moving any further.
"Oh, Kilu, what's this? You're shaking." Killua tried sitting up, propping himself against the wall as he glared at his brother. His body betrayed him, trembling without his permission. "Are you really afraid of me? Oh, Kilu, you know I only did what I had to do."
The teen shook despite his anger. What you had to do? You had to kill Alluka? Your baby sister? You have to torment me? He wanted to yell out in rage. He wanted to sharpen those nails of his and rip his brother's heart out for saying something so barbaric. But the nagging voice, his voice, warned him even in the needle's absence, that he shouldn't fight a fight that he couldn't win. And, boy, did he know how much he couldn't win this fight. It would be suicide- or Illumi would just drag him back home once he was rendered unconscious. The man above him frowned, his head tilting to the side.
"You really have become weak, haven't you? You haven't said a word. Even though I killed someone important to you."
Gon was yelling at Killua, telling him not to pay attention to him. But Killua wasn't listening, staring into those bottomless pools of black. He felt a shudder go through his body and he hugged himself closer to the wall. The frown on his brother's face deepened.
"I told you that leaving home, that having friends, would make you weak. You wouldn't be behaving like this if you hadn't left home." He crouched down to the boy's level, "Of course, if you hadn't left home, this never would have happened."
Killua's mouth felt dry, his eyes widening in horror. Those words seeped in, soaking his bones like acid. His fault. It was his fault. If he had left Alluka at home, she would still be alive. If he had left her at home-
"Killua! Don't you dare listen to him! It's not your fault! He's just trying to get inside your head!"
If he had left her at home, Gon would be dead. How had it come to this? Out of the two people in the world who he cared about most, one would have died either way. And either way, it would have been his fault.
"It's the truth, Kilu. And you know it. I bet it hurts, doesn't it?" He put a hand on Killua's head, fingers resting in white tresses, "Knowing that you took an innocent life. But I can make all of that pain go away. You won't have to feel any more pain if you come home."
"Don't do it, Killua! You know he's lying!"
"I'm not. I only want what's best for you. But does he?" Illumi motioned towards Gon who was struggling in Hisoka's grasp. "After all, you wanted Alluka to heal him after he was being reckless, correct?"
Killua tensed, and across the room Gon stopped his struggling. He stared in horror at Killua, shaking his head.
"K-Killua, no. Of course I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy! A-And I love Alluka too! She was my friend! I would have never wanted this to happen! I-"
"Shut up, Gon." Killua said so quietly, he wasn't sure that he had heard him correctly. That is, until icy blue eyes met his own. "Be quiet. I don't wanna hear it." The boy in green flinched, sadness reaching his eyes.
"You don't need him, Kilu. Come back home with me. It'll all be okay." Illumi stood up, extending his arms for a hug. Killua tore his eyes from Gon's before standing and slowly hugging his brother.
"Thank you, aniki. I'd like to go home now. I've been away for too long." Killua closed his eyes, hearing Gon gasp.
"Of course, Kilu. We'll leave right away." Illumi's voice was sickeningly sweet and it was obvious to everyone in the room that he was putting on a charade.
"No, Killua! Don't leave with him!" Killua's grip on his brother faltered ever so slightly before he pulled back.
"Could I talk to him for a minute, aniki?" Illumi frowned but nodded, motioning for Hisoka to let the boy go. Killua slowly walked to Gon as he ran to him.
"Killua, you can't! You know this isn't right. Something's wrong and-"
"Gon, I'm leaving. I'm going home." Killua's voice was guarded, his eyes devoid of all emotion. Gon's flashed with anger and confusion.
"What are you talking about? Why would you go back? After everything that's happened? After how they treated you? After what Illumi did to Alluka?!"
"He's right, Gon!" Killua snapped, causing the boy in front of him to flinch.
"Right about what?"
"About you being the reason Alluka's dead." The white-haired boy spoke in such a cold, calm voice that it caused Gon to recoil.
"Wh-What?"
"She was locked away. She was safe. But I got her out because you were reckless and stupid and pretty much got yourself killed even though you knew what it would do to me. I had to save you. And I needed Alluka to do it. If I hadn't gotten her out to save you, she would still be here!" Killua spat, and Gon took a step back, his eyes filling with tears.
"I-If I knew, I wouldn't have-"
"I shouldn't have done it." Killua said so quickly that it knocked the wind out of the boy in front of him.
"Y-You mean… Y-You wish I was the one dead?" Killua looked away, avoiding Gon's tear-filled gaze. "W-Well me too! I wish she was alive! I wish she was still here, but she's not! You still have me, though! And it's not fair to blame me for this!"
"I swear my life would be so much easier if I'd never met you, Gon." Killua met his pained expression, eyes hardened, "I wish I'd never taken that stupid exam. I wish you never came to Kukuroo Mountain to get me. I wish you never dragged me along on all of those stupid adventures. I wish we'd never met."
"K-Killua…" Tears dripped down the boy's cheeks as he whimpered, "You don't mean that. Y-You're lying."
"I'm not."
"B-But we're best friends." Gon took a step forward and Killua took a step back, glaring daggers at him.
"We're not. We're not best friends. We're not friends. We aren't anything, Gon. Now leave me alone. You've done enough damage." The fact that his voice was so calm caused even more pain for Gon. Tears spilled from his eyes as he clenched his fists.
"Fine." His eyes hardened, but the heartbreak overtook the anger in them. Gon wiped his eyes, though tears continued to fall, as he spun on his heels and ran out as quickly as his feet would take him.
Killua watched him go, gnawing on the inside of his cheek to keep himself in check before turning to Alluka's body. He walked quietly over to her, picking her cold form up into his arms, placing a kiss on her forehead.
"Kilu, that wasn't an act was it?"
"No, aniki. Gon has a terrible poker face. You would know if he was lying." Killua took an extra long moment to collect himself before meeting the eyes of his older brother, his own eyes mirroring the lack of light. Illumi nodded before patting his head.
"Good. It looks like you've finally learned your lesson then. Let's go home."
Hisoka followed them out the door, a deep frown in his features at what he'd just witnessed.
