He couldn't look anymore. He slowly turned his gaze downwards, trying to let his actions go unnoticed by the two besides him. He tried to act as if it wasn't affecting him. He wasn't looking anymore, but he could not pretend to not hear the sound of Mayas happy voice telling Tristan to watch it all. She seemed so proud, so happy. It was crushing him. Why was she showing this to him? Did she want to hurt him? Didn't she know he had a thing for her? Or maybe she just didn't care. Maybe this was a way of saying he should stop kidding himself, a way of saying she'd never been serious about him. Why would she anyways? Why would anyone? He didn't know anyone who had stayed with him for a long period, except Chewey, but he wasn't really around anymore. So why was he stupid enough to think she would stay? Miles could see the signs already. The signs trying to tell him his so called friends didn't care. They were already fading away. This is why he didn't want to care, to feel. The persons he cared about the most didn't give a shit about him. His dad was the perfect example. Nothing he did was ever good enough. He was never good enough. Disappointment. Disappointment was the only thing his father ever showed him. The problem wasn't that his father was a non-feeling robot. Miles had seen his father show great emotions many times. He had seen him be happy, enjoying himself and being proud. Miles often witnessed this from the sideline. These were emotions often shown towards his little sister. His father never missed the chance to let her know how much she meant to him and how perfect she was. She made him proud. When Miles was younger he enjoyed watching his dad have these feelings towards his sister. He used to think he'd get the same reaction out of his dad someday. He used to think his dad would look at him with pride in his eyes. Miles still hoped for this day, but a part of him knew it would never be. He was getting used to the fact that the only thing his dad made sure Miles never forgot was how useless and stupid he was. How could he forget? He was reminded every day.
Maya was suddenly watching Miles as if she awaited a response. Miles figured out the "movie" had ended, and a question had probably been thrown his way.
"Umm.. what?" he asked dumfounded.
"I said.. what do you think? Did you like it?" Maya spoke. Miles just looked at her, trying to figure out if she was being serious. She probably was. What? Did he imagine she would actually see how he felt? Did he think she would understand?
"Great. It-it was.. great" He said, avoiding eye contact.
"Really? You think so?" She asked exited. Miles looked her in the eyes for a few seconds,hoping she would look at him and see his pain. He was too proud to say it out loud, but felt the need to be heard. As this didn't result in anything he just took a deep breath and stared forward, into space.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Maya asked. Silence.
"Miles?" Still nothing. Maya came a bit closer touching his arm slightly.
"Are you ok?" Miles did all he could to keep looking forward. Don't look at her, he thought. He managed to nod, indicating that he was indeed fine. Maya didn't buy it.
"You don't look ok" She stated. This trigged something in Miles. He stood up abruptly while saying:
"How would you know? It's not like you notice anything about me! It's not like you know anything about me! I AM fine! I haven't felt this great since forever, ok? I love being at school, the only place I don't feel like a failure. And I love spending my time here watching you make out with some guy you barely know! It's great, why wouldn't it be?" Maya looked at him as if he was crazy.
"Are you having problems at home again?" Miles rolled his eyes at this.
"Again? What's that supposed to mean?" He asked bitterly. "Something that never ends, can't happen again!" He said angrily. He regretted it as soon as it left his lips. He looked at Maya with big regretful eyes. "I-I.. I didn't mean it like that. I.. I'm not.." He closed his eyes. "I don't have any problems at home". He opened his eyes, scared to see her reaction. She was sitting still, not moving a single muscle. Miles looked at her, pleading her to speak, but she didn't. Great. He had scared her away. He looked at her for a few more seconds before the thought of his messed up self once again ruining everything became too much. Miles rapidly turned towards the door, not wanting to spend another second in this room. They probably though he was crazy, that he was pathetic. To his surprise he was stopped before he could open the door. Two petite arms held a grip around his arm. He looked down, only to see Maya staring at him. He gulped. He tried to speak, but no words came out. Suddenly Maya spoke.
"Take off your shirt" Miles frowned.
"What?" He whispered.
"Take it off" She said with no emotion at all.
"Why.. why would I do that?" He asked, not believing his own ears. Maya opened her mouth, but closed it. She repeated this a few times, as if not being sure if she should speak or not. After a few more seconds she spoke.
"I want to check for bruises" she stated. Miles' heart dropped at her words. He looked worriedly at her.
"I don't.. why would.. do you think.. what?" He stumbled upon his words.
"Take it off"
"No" he said, looking scared.
"Why not?" Miles just looked at her. Why not? Maybe because he hated what was underneath. Maybe because he liked to pretend there was no difference between his undressed body and every other guys'. Maybe because as long as he kept his shirt on, there was no proof. Maybe because he knew that the moment he took it off it became visible, it became reality. He hated it. He hated the weak boy he saw in the mirror every day. He hated the boy covered in scars and bruises. This he couldn't tell though, so he went for something else.
"I can't"
"Why?"
"I don't strip down for just anyone" he said bitterly, before forcing her arms off him. He left the room, taking a few steps before stopping. He hoped she would come after him. He wanted her to come after him. He wanted her to care about him, to tell him everything was going to be ok, but she didn't. He stood alone.
