The Last Day Of Vicki Donovan: "Is it better to go out with a bang, in a flaming moment of glory?"
I do not own TVD, or Vicki Donovan. If I did, then she'd probably still be whining in the show right now. Sorry about the swearing.
March 20th, the day of my death.
I don't know what I've done to deserve all the shit that has happened in my life. Or maybe it was because I can't do anything right. I'm nothing like my brother. Matt is so goddamned perfect. He is inherently good, almost to the point of being a complete bore. I honestly have no idea how he keeps it up, when our lives have gone to the dogs. I can't cope, so I get by bumming drugs from the only person who cares about me besides Matt, and selling my body to Tyler fucking Lockwood in return for a bit of love.
Self-worth is overrated, I guess. And I figured that I'd might as well go with the flow and surrender myself to the hell that seems to have taken over my teenager life. That was what I told myself for most of my adolescent years.
I'd gotten so tired of people judging me, and acting like they know me. The worst was the pity in their eyes. Even Matt, my own brother, had stopped believing in me. He just sighed and shook his head, as if to say, "well, what can I do. Vicki will be Vicki". As if he expected me to stumble home in a drunk stupor on week nights and pass out on the porch when I can't find the house key.
Well, if my family's expectations were so low, I decided that I'd just keep on lowering them. I wanted to figure out where the bottom line was, and when they would give up on me. When would I hit rock bottom?
The only person who seems disappointed in me was Jeremy Gilbert, the little emo-underclassman who started following me around after I bought drugs from him for the first time. I used to just ignore him, but I eventually started thinking it was pretty cute. He couldn't judge me because he was almost as fucked up as I am, but he cared about me. He didn't let my bad behavior slide if it was too self-destructive. He acted like I was his whole world or something, and I have no idea why. But you never can tell with boys.
He wouldn't want me hurting myself like this. He wouldn't want me teetering on the edge, I think as I stared into the fire. My vision swam, and I felt lighter than air. I would have floated away if I hadn't been stuck in my ugly, unlovable body. I suddenly wished that Tyler were there, to touch me and make me feel pretty again. He used to whisper nice things to me when we were naked, but the rest of the time we had to pretend that we didn't know each other. And then I wished that Jeremy were here instead, to hold my hand and tell me off for snorting another line of coke. I wondered I could convince Jeremy to come with me next time… but his sister kept him on a tighter leash than Matt did on me.
Someone was howling beside me, a free and unworried sound. Another girl was murmuring to the air, but none of us were listening. The fire in the middle of us seemed to flare angrily and dance before my eyes.
When a figure stepped out from the trees, I thought that I was hallucinating again. I was way high at that point, and our group was so far out in the middle of no-where that it made no sense for anyone else to be there that late at night.
It was four o'clock in the morning, what the fuck was he doing here? That was the only rational thought that came to me. That, and that the man was gorgeous. He smirked cruelly, and gazed over all of us.
"This is quite the party… but I think you kiddies are out a little late."
I tried to ask him if he wanted to join us, but I think it came out jumbled and slurred.
"Nobody will miss you, will they… I wonder if anybody will even notice if you never come home again."
Matt would, I thought. But doubt made me realize that I wasn't even sure anymore.
"I'm extremely angry with my brother right now, and I need to let out some steam. Sorry, but you're unlucky enough to meet me on a bad day."
