A/N – I've been intending to get back to writing Ginny Potter and The Boy Who Lived, and this is just a short one-shot to get back into Ginny's head. It's set during HBP at Christmas. It's not particularly Christmassy, though. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy.
I've had a few people ask me about certain times in my school life that I left out of the memoir I wrote a few years ago. In hindsight I did gloss over some things a little bit, so I decided to write this little series of excerpts that may one day be included in an updated version.
Anyone who's read that memoir will be aware that my fifth year was a very confused one for me. I was going out with Dean, and for much of the year I loved that – loved him. I was also becoming good friends with Harry, and had finally moved past my silly little-girl crush on him. Dean was mad with jealousy, and in some ways he was right to be. I wasn't admitting it to myself, but that little-girl crush had morphed into what I thought was friendship, but now know was something deeper.
Into this time of confusion came Christmas. It was a weird one that year. I went home to the Burrow as usual, and Harry came too, also as usual. We were friends, which wasn't so usual.
I spent a lot of time in a frenzy that year, filled with a nervous energy I couldn't put my finger on. I couldn't set myself to anything, wanting to buzz from one activity to another but throwing myself into each one with a feverish passion while my interest lasted. Eventually Mum couldn't handle it anymore.
'Ginny, dear,' she said, her teeth gritted, and the smile on her face looking forced.
I looked up from the manic cooking session I was involved in. 'What, Mum?' I asked, smearing my chocolate covered hands across my face, and looking around at the trail of flour, chocolate and cream I had left all over Mum's workspaces.
'Why don't you make some decorations, dear? We don't have much up and there're some lovely wrapping papers from last year that might make nice paper chains.'
'Oh, but I'm not done here,' I said, starting to tidy the kitchen a bit. 'I'll just clean up a bit first.'
'Oh, no, dear. That's not necessary. I'll do that for you. We really need those chains made by tonight. It's Celestina Warbeck's show this evening, you know.' She smiled at me and bustled into clean-up mode.
I moved to the living room and began twisting the paper chains. It actually calmed me down so I kept on twisting, possibly past the time I had enough chains. While I made them my mind dwelled on Dean and our relationship. I decided I loved him, but there were times he infuriated me. By the time I had the room decorated I had decided I needed to talk to Dean when we got back to school. He was over-protective and possessive which made me feel anxious and ill-at-ease.
Satisfied, I stepped back to admire my handiwork, and treading on someone's feet. I stumbled a little until firm hands gripped my arms.
'Nice job,' Harry said, smiling as I turned to see who it was, and he steadied me. I grinned up at him.
'You don't think it's a bit much?' my arm tingled where he had held it, but I ignored it.
'Nah,' he said. 'It's very festive.'
That was all very sweet of him, but I saw the looks everyone else cast at the room that evening, including Fleur. I still hated her with a passion, and I found myself having to share a room with her. In fact I think it was having to sleep in the same place as her that caused my restlessness and the manic energy that gripped me that holiday period, as much as it was dissatisfaction over where my relationship with Dean was going. The amused look she cast at the chains made me seeth, and I looked around the room trying to get her smug face out of my mind. I wasn't going to ruin anything for Mum tonight, not when she was so excited about Celestina, so it was important for me to hold my temper, hard as it was.
So it was that I noticed Harry deep in conversation, heated conversation, with Dad and Lupin. Intrigued, I slid closer to try and overhear what was going on. Not that I was interested in Harry, you understand. It was just such a bizarre combination to be so thick as thieves that I had to investigate. I wasn't Fred and George's sister for nothing, and this one was a beauty. Unfortunately I couldn't hear what they were saying. I should have been close enough, but perhaps one of them had performed a silencing charm.
'Ginny!' A voice broke into my thoughts. I glanced sideways, and saw Fred grinning at me. He held up a pack of cards suggestively. I smiled, already happier.
'Sure,' I said. George dealt the cards out and we started playing. My mind wasn't fully on the game, though. My eyes kept drifting towards Harry, Lupin and Dad. Now I know what you're all thinking. 'Oh yeah, here we go – Ginny's little crush raising its head again.' But it wasn't like that. I'm sure, deep inside me somewhere I was drawn more to Harry than anyone else, but this was more – there was something really arresting about all of them that drew me in.
'Ginny – your turn,' George said. 'or are you too interested in Harry to worry about your poor old brothers?'
'Don't be such a git,' I snarled, blushing.
'Ooooh, hit a nerve there, Georgy,' said Fred. 'I wonder what her boyfriend thinks of this one.'
'Prat,' I said, then slapped some cards down. They exploded in Fred's face, and I laughed. Thankfully, the distraction worked and they stopped harassing me about Harry.
While the two of them sorted themselves out, I took the opportunity to watch Harry and Lupin again. What I saw startled me a little. There was Lupin, looking worn down and ragged. It was almost shocking to see him – he looked nothing like he had when he was our teacher. It had been a long time, and for the first time it hit me viscerally that while we were snuggled away at Hogwarts these adults in our lives were out there, starting to fight against Voldemort. Oh yes, I know we were doing our thing with the DA the year before, but I don't think we took it as seriously as we could have. Seeing Lupin so changed by his part in the war, even though I didn't really understand even then that it was a war, hit me strongly.
What shocked me even more, though, was Harry. Far from looking like a child in an adult's world, he looked like he belonged. He sat there, leaning forward, talking animatedly with his hands gesturing wildly. I could see Lupin grimacing once in a while when he spoke, and Dad arguing with him about something. But neither of them looked at him like he didn't belong. Oh yes, I could see Dad getting annoyed, but there was nothing in his body language which suggested he thought Harry should back off. They accepted him as their equal, I realised. That knowledge hit me like a hammer blow. I had noticed when he was younger that Harry was different, that he had a huge burden on him, but it wasn't until this moment that I noticed that the adults around us responded to him in a similar way. I don't think it was even conscious; it was just that Harry was growing into who he was to become. It scared me a little – surely something was coming; just as surely it involved Harry, and even more surely he was, however unconsciously, readying himself for whatever it was. I shuddered.
'Oi, Ginny! Stop gawping at Harry and get your cards. We have a score to settle with you.'
Relieved to get away from my thoughts, I poked my tongue at George and took the cards he proferred towards me. The rest of the evening passed away smoothly, and I pushed my revelation about Harry and the adults away.
I was groggy and slept late the next morning. Looking back in a fuzzy haze I think I might have been enticed into one too many games of exploding snap and had rather too many glasses of Mum's very rich eggnog. I'd carefully avoided sleeping until Fleur was asleep, and because she insisted on snogging Bill for hours that hadn't been til very late. The combination of too much rich food and a late night meant it wasn't until nearly midday that I woke. As a consequence I didn't see Harry until lunchtime. Any lingering thought of his new found responsibilities fled when I looked at him. Without thinking, I reached across to him and pulled something out of his hair. My hand brushed his neck as I did so and a jolt of electricity ran through me.
'Harry, you've got a maggot in your hair,' I said cheerfully to cover for the momentary confusion the feeling gave me. I caught a look in his eyes that made my heart beat a little faster, and I quickly looked away. Dammit, self, I have a boyfriend. Stop mooning over Harry! I admonished myself sternly. It didn't help – my hand still tingled where I'd touched him, and the look in his eyes was seared into my memory. In my confusion I was actually grateful to Fleur for her overblown shudder, and 'ow 'orrible!' Then Ron created a scene and the whole thing flew away. I looked covertly at Harry, but his attention was elsewhere, and I convinced myself that I'd imagined it. Happy again, I managed to act like my normal self all through a very strained visit from Percy, the huge git, who turned up not much later.
It was, then, a pretty normal time for me that year. My fuddled feelings about Dean and Harry were magnified by the Christmas season, and I kept flipping between knowing I loved Dean and being drawn to Harry. I managed, during that Christmas lunch, to ignore the knowledge that things were starting to build up, and that Harry was at the centre of something enormous – at least I was able to until Harry came back from a not-really-very-casual stroll with the minister, who had clearly dragged Percy-the-git there for that purpose, with a fiery look in his eye. Something had clicked in him, and the indefinable sense I'd felt earlier that he was a respected part of the adult world had become something more. Harry had accepted his role as 'the chosen one', it seemed to me, and the thought made me shudder. Things were gathering too fast, getting too serious.
Looking back, I think it was that moment that pushed me down the road I eventually took. Whether it was the Christmas cheer with Harry and my family with none of the subtle tension that resided in my time with Dean, or whether it was the new realisation I had of how short our peaceful time could be, I don't know. All I know is that Christmas changed me, and set me inexorably on the path to the moment in the Griffindor common room when Harry and I kissed and my life changed forever.
