Hello, I'm James Dean Potter. You might know me from Emperor Sunny's fanfic series "The Twins Potter." I know what you're thinking right. "Like, O. M. G! He's like, totally breaking the fourth wall right now!" Well, stop thinking it. I know I'm an imaginary person. I know he is like, basically my real God. I just follow the Catholic denomination of Christianity to spite him, for basically being my God. Or maybe I'm a Christian because he makes me. Who knows?
But philosophy is not the reason why I'm talking to you. And yes, I AM talking to YOU. Yeah, you. The silly little fangirl who has no life. Or maybe you're a fan… guy. I don't know. If that's so, that's just kinda creepy. I don't know why that's creepy, but it is. I don't want fanboyz. Fangirlz are cool though, especially if they have red hair. In any case, you're penname is androgynous to me, anyway. It doesn't matter.
Before I continue, let me say this. Me, or my creator, own nothing. We do not own anything that could make us money from this, or anything else that has to do with my brother Harry. I do not own J.K. Rowling. No toes that get stepped on in these explanations are meant to be stepped on. My views expressed in this does NOT reflect those of my creator, Emperor Sunny.
I'm here to, well explain stuff to you. Because Lord only knows you need it. Admit it, you're like little poor Nemo, lost at sea in an ocean of uncertainty, the ocean that is our Earth. Well, that's why I'm here. I'm here to pull you out of the water, burn your scales, plastically surgicalize your bones into a flexible, but tough, skeleton, and throw you back into that ocean a kickass shark.
And believe me, you need it.
The secrets of life, sex, magic, quidditch, boys, girls, music, art, science, why Rosa Parks calling shotgun could have saved the world, and why that damnable blue sky is… well, blue are all to entail. The answers to all your questions are here, you just need to simply read my words.
Seriously, eat my words as if they were the waters of life, and live by their nutrients- We must question everything, and be patriotic to no one nation. We obey not the masses, nor the fat cat that tells us what we hear, see, or buy, but the wisdom of our own hearts. Salvation does not come for those who look for it, but for those who BELIEVE in it. And when darkness turns to light, we WILL be one. We will hold each other, accept each other, love each other. And we WILL be victorious. Because there is no greater victory, than the victory of love. No matter how bad it hurts.
James Dean Potter Explains… The Core Rules of Life
1. Assume nothing. Look back to the old standby cliché- it makes an ass out of both you and me. Look at Draco Malfoy; he assumes by his nature that "mudbloods" are below him. So, he henceforth treats them as such. Me, being a half-blood(a mudblood, in his eyes,) gets me treated like dirt. And me being treated like dirt doesn't sit well with me.
So when his pointy ferret-face comes walking down the corridors of Hogwarts, and said pointy-face sees my beautiful, handsome, flawless face, he feels the urge to follow up his assumptions. He calls me Pottyhead, or mudblood, and then I get angry.
So me and my homeboyz Travis, Brian, Kiara Emmaline, Harry, Ronald, and Hermione are then forced to beat him up. Not that I need them. I can totally plaster his ugly little pretty boy face up and down these halls…
Awesome points: Minus ten for admitting I need help jumping a scrawny wimp.
You get the point. Him being a racist makes him a jerk, me beating the crap out him makes me a jerk. Savvy?
2. Pirates Beat Zombies, Ninjas Beat Pirates, Zombies Beat Ninjas. Do I really have to explain this? Oh, very well…
Pirates, like Jack Sparrow, have sparkling, imaginative personalities, and are very clever. Zombies are braindead walking corpses who can't operate a cannon, shoot a musket, or wield a cutlass. Pirates win by having the tactical advantage of ships, technology, and cunning.
Ninjas are fast, invisible, and there are about twenty watching me explain this to in my small room here underneath the Dursley's staircase. Twenty, dammit, in an eight-by-eight space! Their fast throwing shurikens and fancy little knives, coupled with their amazing gifts of stealth and discipline make them more than pirates can handle. Ninjas win by tactical advantage.
Zombies don't feel pain, don't need to see to smell a hiding ninja, and can only die by having their heads chopped off or their brains blown out. A ninja lacks the proper equipment to damage an entire horde of zombies, because all they have are little knives, and can't even hide from them! Zombies win by the tactical advantage of superb physical "endurance" and wicked cool sensory skills.
Awesome points: Plus twenty for knowledge of Magical Creatures.
3. The Jets are the Greatest American Football Team. EVER. Why? They won a Super Bowl with quite possibly the worst winning SB quarterback in NFL history calling their plays for them. What has Brett Favre done lately?
Awesome Points: plus five for being a Jets fan.
4. Never, EVER Mess With a Dragon
They have spicy bad breath, horns, poisonous teeth, and they fly. They'll barbecue you to your bones, and pick their teeth with what little remains of your body. And don't forget their size. They're huge! Have you ever seen a small dragon? Of course you have, you're all muggles. But in reality, a Komodo dragon is NOT a dragon, it's a lizard with improper oral hygiene.
Awesome Points: Minus twenty for showing fear.
5. Butterbeer is not for House Elves. Take poor little Winky for example. She got chucked out on her short little pointy-eared behind, and became an alcoholic. On butterbeer. It doesn't take much of the seemingly non-alcoholic beverage,(screw that British standby of serving it cold, Rocky Mountain Cold, all the way!) best served warm, to inebriate our little homemakers. So keep it away from them.
What am I worried about? You muggles will never have a house elf!
Awesome Points: Plus ten for knowledge of blood-to-alcohol levels of a magical creature, plus a bonus fifty for getting a good muggle-hating joke in.
6. Witches are the Square Root of Evil. Having a girlfriend, as described by many-a-muggle feature film, is a joyous occasion. But in reality it is hell. Women take time and money. Time is money. Money is the square root of evil. Thus, a witch is the square root of evil.
Moral of the story? Don't get a girlfriend. Or witchfriend, if you're a wizard.
Awesome Points: Minus a thousand points for hypocrisy. Yeah, I have a girlfriend, so? I don't see you getting any, loser.
Okay, I take it back. Girlfriends are awesome, and never evil -CRACK!- YES DEAR, I'M SORRY! I'M SO, SO SORRY! I love you, -mumbles something unintelligible- YES! I LOVE YOU, SWEETEYHOTBUNS!
7. Never Have Fear of a Name! C'mon, sing it with me. "Oldy Moldy Voldy Morty Wart! His feet have worts, and his head is a collection of molds! Ladeedaladah!"
Awesome Points: Infinite. The entirety of us, making fun of Riddle for the rest of our lives, gives incalculable amounts of WIN, not to mention Awesome Points.
Congratulations! You made it through the seven rules of life, made fun! What's next? If there's something you want "explained" just hit Emperor Sunny up. He'll tell me what's up, bro. Or sis, whatever it is you are...
Bonus Awesome Points for Political Correctness?
