The Bride of the Scarecrow
"Happy birthday, Jonathan!" exclaimed the voice of Jervis Tetch, as a burst of light suddenly awoke Jonathan Crane from sleep. He groaned, sitting up and rubbing his eyes to glare at Tetch, who was standing by the open window, sunlight streaming into the room.
"Am I not allowed to sleep in on my birthday?" he muttered.
"No, you're not," retorted Tetch. "Not when you're staying with me, anyway. I've prepared an excellent birthday breakfast for you, and I don't want it to get cold."
Crane's pet raven, Lenore, had also been rudely awakened by the sunlight, and ruffled her feathers on her bust of Pallas perch, cawing in annoyance. She fluttered onto Crane's shoulder, nuzzling his cheek.
"Good morning, my beauty," he murmured, petting her. "I agree, it is too early."
"You shouldn't waste away the day celebrating your birth by sleeping," retorted Tetch. "We have far too much to do."
Crane sighed. "I hope your birthday breakfast includes tea," he said, reaching for his robe. "I need something to wake me up."
"Would any meal of mine not include tea?" asked Tetch. "I wasn't known as the Mad Hatter for nothing, you know, Jonathan."
They entered the dining room, where a sumptuous spread had been laid out, in the center of which was a large cake with the words Happy Birthday, Jonathan! written on it.
"This is very kind of you, Jervis," said Crane, sincerely. "But honestly I'm not usually one to make a fuss over my birthday. I never wanted parties or anything like that…"
"Well, I do," retorted Tetch. "And as you're my guest, I hope you'll put up with the inconvenience of celebrating your birth. Honestly, Jonathan, everyone should be happy on their birthday."
"Why?" asked Crane. "Who else is happy that I was born?"
"I am," said Tetch. "Our guests coming for the party later are. Lenore is," he said, nodding at the raven, who squawked in agreement. "Now you're not going to ruin the party atmosphere by being all gloomy, are you?"
"I'm not gloomy," snapped Crane. "I just don't see the point in making a fuss, that's all. I'm another year older. Another year closer to death. Why would anyone celebrate that?"
"I can see you are going to be gloomy," sighed Tetch. "When all I'm trying to do is celebrate the birth of a man who has brought a great deal of happiness into my life. My one and only friend, who has seen me through so many difficulties. And he can't even put on a cheerful face, after all my effort."
"Well, it is my day – I have a right to be gloomy if I like," retorted Crane, sipping his tea. "But I will try to be cheerful, for your sake, Jervis. Nobody has ever thrown me a party before, and it's honestly very touching."
"Well, what are former lunatic best friends for?" asked Tetch, smiling. "Now do have a scone while they're hot."
Crane broke off bits of the scone and fed them to Lenore, trying to keep the melancholy thoughts at bay. But he was a man of a naturally melancholic disposition, and his birthday had never been an occasion for great joy. When he was a boy, his parents hadn't believed in parties or gifts, so he mostly spent his birthdays reading alone, just as he did most every other day. Which was fine, until he saw that the other children often had parties and friends over exchanging gifts, and he couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy at how happy everyone looked. He had told himself that he hadn't really wanted anything like that anyway, but he hadn't been able to convince himself of the truth of that statement.
And it hadn't seemed like he'd come a long way, although many, many years had passed since he was a boy. He was still alone – Tetch was his best friend, but he had cured himself while Crane was still considered legally insane. And although he was temporarily free after his latest break-out, he knew he'd probably eventually be dragged back to Arkham Asylum, courtesy of Batman, and Tetch would no longer be there. Tetch had moved on with his life, embracing his duties as godfather to Alice's child, Catherine. While Crane had remained trapped in the same cycle of inflicting fear and terror on the masses, and rewarded by stints in Arkham. His life often seemed rather pointless in comparison to his friend's.
"Who's coming to the party later?" asked Crane, trying to distract himself from his depressing thoughts. "Will Alice and Catherine be there?"
"Sadly they're away," said Tetch. "The whole family is on vacation in Disney World. Alice sent me a postcard from some tea cup ride which she said reminded her of me."
Crane wondered for a moment what it would be like to go on a family vacation – his parents had never taken him anywhere. And obviously he didn't have a family of his own to pamper…
He ripped his thoughts away from subjects of that nature, and said, "Well, it's good that they're having fun."
"But Harley and her family are coming," said Tetch.
"Oh," said Crane, frowning slightly.
"What's wrong? I thought you'd want Harley to be here," said Tetch.
"Yes, she's very welcome," said Crane. "It's her family I'm dreading."
"Oh, the children aren't that bad," said Tetch. "Quite cute, if you ask me."
"The boy is a miniature version of his father," muttered Crane. "And just as irritating."
"He's only six months old," said Tetch. "You can't tell at that age what a child is really like."
"I can," retorted Crane. "And Joker Junior is a very apt name for the boy."
It had been a little over a year ago now that Crane's dreams were completely dashed, not that they had ever been very realistic dreams to begin with. He had been in love with Harley Quinn for a long time now, but she had obviously been so infatuated with the Joker that Crane knew deep down that his own love was always to remain unrequited. This was confirmed when Harley fell pregnant with the Joker's children, and gave birth to a healthy set of twins, a girl and a boy, called Arleen and Joker Junior, or J.J. for short. Harley was a mother now, and while still an incredibly attractive woman, Crane had finally accepted that she and the Joker were ultimately inseparable, for the sake of the children if nothing else. Besides, he could never see himself raising the Joker's children even if he and Harley did eventually break up. The children were too much like their father, even at this young age. No, it was best that Crane tried to get over his own infatuation with Harley, and accept that he would forever be alone. Harsh truths were better than false hope anyway.
His thoughts seemed fixed on their gloomy course, no matter how he tried to steer them otherwise, he thought with a frown. Birthdays really did bring out the worst in him, apparently. But perhaps the party later would change his view of them.
It didn't. And that was mostly due to one guest in particular, whose purpose in life was to make everybody else the punchline of his jokes.
"Johnny! Happy birthday! Another year closer to dying alone, am I right?" asked the Joker, laughing as he entered the house, carrying his son in his arms, who giggled at him.
"Hello, Joker. Good to see you," muttered Crane, insincerely. "Harley, you're looking lovely," he said, sincerely this time, as Harley Quinn followed the Joker inside, holding her daughter who smiled up at her. "Motherhood suits you, I see."
"Oh yeah," agreed Harley, smiling. "I ain't never been happier in my whole life! The babies are just precious little miracles, and make my every day a joy and a blessing beyond my wildest dreams!"
Needless to say, this didn't make Crane feel any better about being alone, but his mood was improved as Harley handed Arleen to Joker and then gave Crane a big hug. "Happy birthday, Johnny," she said, beaming at him. "I dunno why you've never had a party before, but I'm glad you're having one now. Mr. J don't have birthday parties either, but that's because he don't remember when his birthday is, or how old he is."
"Bet you remember how old you are, huh, Craney?" chuckled Joker. "Is it rude of me to ask?"
"Yes," retorted Crane. "We're not mentioning my age today."
"Gotcha," said Joker, nodding. "I hear a lotta older women don't like their ages being broadcast, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you don't either."
"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Crane, but before he could get an answer, Tetch entered the room bearing the cake.
"Hello, hello!" he said. "Harley, Joker, good to see you! How are the little angels today?" he asked. "Are they allowed sweets? I always keep sweets around for little Alice…"
"Are my kiddies allowed sweets!" chuckled Joker. "Of course they are!"
"Yes, giving sugar to already hyper children – excellent idea," muttered Crane, as Tetch went to fetch Arleen and J.J. some candy. Their parents put them down on the floor and they were off instantly, already crawling around and exploring at this young age. They took the candy Tetch offered, stuffing it into their mouths and then looking up expectantly at him.
"Yeah, they're gonna want more than one piece," laughed Joker.
"Ake," said J.J., pointing at the cake.
"Yes, we'll have cake later, baby," cooed Harley, picking him up and kissing him.
"Ake!" repeated J.J., firmly.
"Now, J.J., it's not your birthday," said Harley. "It's Johnny's birthday, and we're gonna wait to have cake when he wants. Ok?"
J.J. said nothing, but the moment his mother released him, he crawled over to the table with the cake on it, staring up at it in longing. His sister followed him, and they jabbered at each other, not making much sense to anyone else.
"Brought you a present, Johnny," said Harley, reaching into her bag.
"I wanted to buy you a hooker, but Harley said no," said Joker, smiling at him. "But I bet that's the only present you really want, huh?"
"No, it's not, Joker," sighed Crane, already sick of dealing with him, and it had barely been five minutes.
Harley handed him a wrapped gift, and Crane opened it to reveal a small gold chain with a pendant, and the inscription "For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
"It's for your bird," explained Harley, nodding at Lenore, who cawed happily. "From the poem The Raven."
"Oh, Harley, it's beautiful!" exclaimed Crane. "Thank you so much! Come here, my pretty," he said, placing the chain over her neck. Lenore cooed, ruffling her feathers and proudly displaying the collar.
"You look so beautiful, my precious," he said, stroking the raven's feathers.
"Yeah, kinda sad that the bird's the only female you're ever gonna say that to, huh?" chuckled Joker.
Crane was about to snap at him, when they suddenly heard a crash, and everyone turned to see that Arleen and J.J. had worked together. Climbing on top of each other, they had managed to reach the overhanging tablecloth which sat underneath the cake. They also managed to pull it off the table and onto the floor, sending the cake plummeting down with it. They settled down next to the remains, beginning to stuff it into their mouths, gurgling happily.
"Oh, babies!" exclaimed Harley, racing over. "I love you both to death, but you are just constantly causing mischief!"
"Take after their Daddy!" chuckled Joker.
"I'm so sorry about the cake, Johnny," said Harley, fighting to pull her children away from it. "And the mess, Jervis."
"It's fine, Harley – children will be children," said Crane through gritted teeth.
"Let me just get them something sugary that hasn't been on the floor," said Tetch. "I made some sweet rolls the other day…"
"You know, Jervis, you might not like those pedophile rumors, but you sure don't help them by having a house full of sweet things to tempt kiddies," laughed Joker.
"My goddaughter is over a lot," retorted Tetch. "And she likes sweets. There's nothing wrong in that."
"Joker, why do you feel the need to constantly insult and undermine everyone?" asked Crane.
Joker shrugged. "Dunno. It's fun, I guess. I've come to terms with who I am, and accepted myself. I'm proud to be insulting and irritating. Why would you try to undermine my self-esteem by criticizing me?"
"Because that's what you do to everyone else!" snapped Crane.
"Two wrongs don't make a right, Johnny," said Joker, grinning. "If you were a father, you'd try to set a good example for your kiddies, like I do. But you ain't a father, are you? So I guess you can act however you want – nobody looks up to you and admires you, so it really doesn't matter what you do."
Crane's teeth gritted together in fury, but Lenore nuzzled his cheek, cawing gently. He managed to control his temper for the rest of the party, but only just, since the Joker kept making snide remarks about how alone Crane was, as opposed to how happy and fulfilled he was. Crane was very glad when Harley said they had to leave to put the children down for their naps, although judging by their enthusiastic crawling and giggling, it didn't seem likely that they were actually going to sleep anytime soon.
"Well, it's always nice to see Harley," said Crane after they had all left.
"Yes," sighed Tetch. "But the Joker has always been a pain. And always will be."
"And yet I don't imagine we'll be seeing one without the other anymore," said Crane. "Their weekly break-ups seemed to have stopped since Harley's pregnancy."
"That must be a relief for her at least," said Tetch.
"Yes," agreed Crane. "More of a reluctant resignation for the rest of us, that she'll always be chained to that brute."
"Some people voluntarily chain themselves to people," said Tetch, shrugging. "And end up loving those chains."
"Yes, most people are more fortunate than me," snapped Crane. "You don't have to join the Joker in reminding me."
"I wasn't…" began Tetch.
"I'd just like some time alone, all right?" interrupted Crane, heading for his room.
"Yes, fine…but take your present with you," said Tetch, racing to place a wrapped gift into his hand.
Crane entered his room, shutting the door. Lenore fluttered over to her usual perch, still eyeing her collar with bright, shining eyes, as Crane sat down on his bed. He sighed, unwrapping the gift, and opened the box to reveal a beautiful old book, leather bound and slightly frayed. "It's a first edition," he murmured to himself. "Of the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe."
He sighed again, and then stood up, opening the door. "Jervis!" he called.
"Yes?" asked Tetch.
Crane looked at him for a moment, and then embraced him tightly. "Thank you," said Crane, sincerely. "For the gift, for the party, for letting me stay here on the run…for everything, really. And for being my friend. I may be in a rather gloomy mood, but don't think for a moment that I don't appreciate your friendship. I'd be absolutely lost without it."
Tetch smiled. "Well, sometimes one must lose oneself before one truly finds oneself," he said, hugging him back. "As Alice did in Wonderland."
"Are there any life lessons you don't take from Lewis Carroll, Jervis?" asked Crane.
Tetch shrugged. "The Alice books are works of nonsense, and life is often nonsensical. What other guide should one have?"
Crane nodded. "I suppose I can't argue with that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a first edition to read. What a perfect way to spend the rest of my birthday."
Crane read for the remainder of the day and into the night. It grew late, and he decided he should probably go to bed, but his thoughts kept him awake long after the lights had gone off.
Crane was the Master of Fear, and he knew that in the darkness, a person's greatest fears were revealed. The darkness took the cares and fears and worries of life and brought them to light, with a grim shadow of clarity. And Crane had been miserable enough in the daylight, but now as he lay in the darkness, his life flashed before his eyes, and he saw in it only failure. Everyone he had seen today had made something of their lives. Even the Joker, the man who took nothing seriously, the man whose one ambition in life was to keep fighting a man in a bat costume night after night, even a man as evil and unpleasant as him had something to live for outside his own selfish existence. Crane had nothing. He had friends, and he was grateful for that, but they had other priorities now. Their families came first, as they should. And it was a hard realization to consider that he came first to no one.
With his depressing thoughts, he lay awake with the lights off, tossing and turning and disturbing Lenore, who kept waking up on her perch at every movement from him.
At last he sat up in bed, snapping on the light again, and then stood up, grabbing his clothes and changing back into them. Lenore squawked in annoyance, snapping open her eyes again.
"You don't have to come with me if you don't want to," he retorted.
Lenore responded by fluttering onto his shoulder and giving him a light peck with her beak, as if chastising him for thinking of going anywhere without her.
She watched him quizzically as they drove, heading toward unfamiliar territory, at least to Lenore. She squawked slightly, and Crane seemed to understand her, for he nodded.
"Yes, my beauty, I know where I'm going. I've been there many times before, even if you haven't. Before your time. Before the Scarecrow's time, really. Except not quite. He's always been with me, my whole life. Very little about my life has changed since then, really."
He drove his car through a set of wrought iron gates that read Gotham University, never suspecting that his life was about to.
