Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
I remember, a long time ago, saying it was worth it.
Worth it? Was that really what I thought?
Worth my mind, my soul, my body, my... everything? My life? My love?
My love.
If I had met him any other way, any other way, under any other circumstances, we could have been happy for the rest of our lives. If I had never written that first name in the Death Note, we could have been together. Any other way than the way it really happened. Even if the only difference was that he had been Kira instead of me... I would have been able to accept it. Even if I hadn't been Kira, I would have agreed with Kira's morals, and I could have, would have, joined Ryuuzaki/Kira as happily as Misa joined me. It would have been different.
No, nothing was worth losing him.
The night I told him was the night after the night I got my memories back. We had had sex as usual, and as he was holding me, he told me for the first time that he loved me.
So I told him the last thing he ever wanted to hear, the one and only thing he could never accept- that I was, of course, what I am.
He had stood up and walked out of my room, barely pausing to put pants on. He reached for his shirt, dropped it, grabbed at it, missed, and finally left it.
I knew my confession to just him was not enough to convict me, but nevertheless I waited all night for someone to come arrest me. No one came, but I gathered that it wasn't because Ryuzaki had decided to let me slide...
He never looked at me again. As much time as we spent together- even without the handcuffs- he never made eye contact with me again. He kept trying to catch Kira (me) as he always had, no change. Not more intensely, not less intensely. I went from "Light" to "Yagami-san" overnight. While he would speak to me, he always kept his face turned away or his eyes downcast. Sometimes he just stared blatantly at the ceiling.
Until that last day, in the rain, right before I killed him.
Somehow he knew before I did that it was his last day.
His eyes on that day... oh his eyes...
He still loved me. I could see that. But he could never accept me or forgive me for choosing what I chose that one day, so, so long ago.
I killed the one I love for a new world, a better world, which I have come very close to achieving, and I thought it was worth it.
It wasn't.
