Book One, or Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Harry: I'm an orphan who lives with my aunt Petunia, uncle Vernon, and cousin Dudley Dursley.
Dursleys: We hate Harry.
Dudley: I'm spoiled.
Harry: (sarcastic) I couldn't have figured that out myself.
Later:
Harry: I got a letter.
Uncle Vernon: I'm taking it away.
Harry: Boo-hoo.
Even later:
Dursleys + Harry: "We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo. How about you, you, you? You can come too, too, too..." and so on and so forth.
Harry: I start talking to this snake, and I don't ever realize that it's weird that I'm actually communicating with a boa, in a zoo, through a glass wall. And we're talking about Brazil. And then the glass mysteriously disappears and the snake runs away. And no one in the whole entire zoo catches it. And I'm locked in a cupboard until the cows come home.
Later:
Harry: Thousands and thousands of letters for me come zooming out of the fireplace, and I try to catch one, but I never even consider bending down and picking one up off the floor. Needless to say, I don't get one.
Dursleys + Harry: We're leaving. We end up on this tiny island in the middle of a storm.
Harry: And it's my birthday, too!
At midnight:
Hagrid: Hi. I'm an enormous person with a pink umbrella that lights fires, a birthday cake for Harry, and a letter for him as well. Oh, by the way, Harry, you're a wizard, so were your parents, they were murdered, and I'm going to take you to this school for witchcraft and wizardry.
Aunt Petunia: MY SISTER WAS A FREAK!
Uncle Vernon: He's not going.
Hagrid: Is too.
Vernon: Is not.
Hagrid: Is too.
Vernon: I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!
Hagrid: NEVER INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME! (turns Dudley into a pig)
(a/n: Yes, I know, these last two lines were directly from the book. Don't kill me.)
Hagrid + Harry: Bye. (Leave)
Various things occur; Harry buys robes, wand, books, supplies, etc., etc. Harry discovers that his train platform doesn't exist, meets these people called the Weasleys, walks through a brick wall, and appears where he wants to be.
On train:
Ron: Can I sit here?
Harry: I don't know. Can you sit here?
Ron: Fine. May I sit here?
Harry: Ok.
Woman: Hungry?
Ron: Umm...
Harry: I want that, and that, and that, and that...
Scabbers: I'm not turning yellow, and you can't make me!
Ron: Can so.
Scabbers: Can not.
Ron: Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow!
Scabbers: I am so not a stupid fat rat! That's damaging to my self-esteem.
Hermione: I act like a know-it-all. Neville lost a toad. Bye!
Neville: I lost a toad.
Ron+ Harry: (sarcastic) No, really?
In Great Hall:
Sorting Hat: How 'bout Slytherin?
Harry: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin...
Sorting Hat: Ok, then, how 'bout Gryffindor?
Harry: Ok!
Snape: I'm evil.
McGonagall: I'm strict.
Quirrel: I'm scared.
Flitwick: I'm tiny.
Dumbledore: I'm wise.
Harry: I'm SPECIAL!
Harry, Ron + Hermione: We knock out a troll that was destroying the girls' bathroom, meet a three-headed dog named Fluffy, and so on.
Harry: Malfoy threw this ball-thing up in the air and I caught it so I get to play Quidditch.
Everyone: All hail the mighty Seeker.
Harry: I'm SPECIAL!
Hagrid: I raise a dragon in a wooden house. He burns my beard, bites my foot, and generally causes massive amounts of trouble, BESIDES being illegal...but he's just playing.
Much, MUCH later:
Hagrid: Play a song and Fluffy falls asleep. I shouldn't have said that.
Harry plays song; Fluffy promptly falls asleep. And snores.
Harry + Ron: We're suffocating!
Hermione: It's Devil's Snare!
Harry + Ron: That's nice. We're still suffocating.
Hermione: Relax.
Harry + Ron: Ok. We're still suffocating.
Hermione lights a fire.
Harry + Ron: We are no longer suffocating.
Hermione: Thanks to me.
Somewhat later:
Ron: Let's play chess.
Hermione + Harry: Sounds fun!
Ron: I'm going to let myself be knocked out by an overgrown, semi-living chess queen. But it's for a good cause.
Hermione + Harry: Noo!
Queen captures Ron; Harry + Hermione win and move on.
Hermione: Ok, since we're trapped by flames and you need to keep going, you should drink this. I'll take that and get Ron. Oh, and there's a chance that it's poison, but don't worry about things like that. Bye!
Harry: It's not poison! Cool!
Quirrel: Hi.
Harry: You're not supposed to be here. It's Snape, remember?
Quirrel: Fooled you!
Voldemort: Hi. I want that stone. Give it.
Harry: Never.
Voldemort: I WANT THE STONE!
Harry: Too bad.
Later, in hospital wing:
Dumbledore: I tell you lots and lots of important things, which I'm not going to put here because it takes too long. Anyway, I don't like Bertie Bott's Bean-things, but I'm going to have one anyway, which wasn't a smart decision, because it's earwax. That was a seriously run-on sentence, but that's ok.
End of Book (give or take a couple chapters, in which nothing of interest happens.)
