A/N: Hello all. I've finally convinced myself that after all these years of reading what other people write that I should give it a go myself. It's been a few years since I've put pen to paper, so it should be an interesting experience to say the least. Since playing ME3 I've been wanting to write my own take on Kaidan and Shepard. Once More is set shortly after the defeat of the Reapers and, amongst other things, should deal with what all good stories do; love and loss. Feel free to leave comments etc, like I said it's been years since I've tried writing so any feedback is welcome. Enjoy.
Part 1 - Broken
Kaidan Alenko, humanity's second Spectre, Alliance Major, and one of the heroes of the Battle of Earth, was quietly getting drunk.
He sat in the soft glow of Earth's setting sun. The bar, aptly named Twilight, was located in one of the Citadel's less frequented wards. Reasonably clean and without the usual press of people found on the higher wards it was a place where Kaidan could come when faced with the all-to-frequent need to escape.
He shot back another mouthful of the vile liquid which the salarian bartender swore was Johnnie Black. Kaidan knew that was an outright lie. He knew, for instance, that most of the distilleries responsible for producing Mr Walker's Amber Restorative on Earth had been destroyed during the Reaper invasion. An actual glass of this stuff right now could probably buy him a nice house on the French Riviera. But then there was nothing left of the Riviera either.
There was just ash and death as far as the eye could see.
Kaidan shook his head, trying to push back the dark. In the months since their apparent victory over the Reapers he had settled into a steady routine. The rebuilding effort was well and truly under way and the Alliance was desperate for anyone and everyone who could help. But they weren't too sure what to make of him. As an Alliance soldier his duties were clear. As a Spectre he had a remarkable amount of freedom and power. The two didn't exactly mix well in the hard edged world of military hierarchy and responsibility. So he would parade each morning at the Alliance embassy and was usually told by a nervous colonel that he was not required for anything. He would then wander aimlessly around what was left of the Citadel until late afternoon when he would come here to Twilight and get thoroughly rat faced. He was treated with a sort of careful neglect. So long as he made no waves, the Alliance was willing to leave him well enough alone.
But then there were the nights when the booze didn't quite take the edge off and the darkness got in. It was those nights that Kaidan dreaded more than anything. It usually ended with him curled up beneath the sheets in his room screaming into his pillow. Sleep was even worse. The migraines would have been a release. He woke from the nightmares shouting and clawing at the sweat soaked sheets with tears pouring down his face. He'd fall back, a sobbing wreck and pray for sunlight to chase away his demons.
He clenched his teeth and gripped his glass tightly. Kaidan could feel his heart start to race as he choked back hot tears. A deep, black hole began to open in the pit of gut. Tonight was going to be one of those nights.
He felt more than heard the footsteps behind him. He caught a blue reflection in the viewport glass and hurriedly wiped his face on his sleeve. A delicate hand brushed his shoulder and a soft voice tried to pierce the gloom.
"Kaidan," Liara said. "It's good to … "
Her words faltered and Kaidan knew that she had seen the tears. He tried to blink them away but knew that it was too late. Liara set her glass down as she sat next to him and gently pulled him closer, as though her presence alone could chase away the night. Her hand on the side of his face was soft. It took Kaidan every ounce of self-control but he managed to hold the raging torrent inside him at bay. At least for the moment.
When he was sure that he wasn't going to collapse Kaidan looked up at Liara and tried to force a smile. The twisted grimace of pain that spread across his face nearly made Liara flinch.
"I understand Kaidan," She looked down at her own glass. "I really do."
"I know". His voice was hoarse. He didn't speak to many people these days.
She was one of only a handful of people who would understand. Liara had been there since the very beginning. Kaidan could still remember when they found her. Trying to free her from a Prothean stasis field whilst being shot at by Saren's geth had been one hell of an introduction. Kaidan had been so sure that they were going to die in those tunnels. Being chased by geth intent on killing them had scared the shit out him. They'd barely managed to get out alive before the whole ruin collapsed on top of them.
Liara had been with them ever since, standing side by side in the face of whatever the universe could throw at them. Even when Kaidan had turned his back on Shepard, she had been there for him. In that time the young asari had grown from a nervous, bookish academic, to a power in her own right. She was confident, calm and intelligent. No wonder Shepard had fallen for her.
"How'd you find me?" he asked.
Liara gave a small smile. "Shadow Broker, remember? If I could find the Crucible plans and help root out Cerberus then I think I can find an old friend sitting in a bar on the same space station as me."
Kaidan gave a small laugh, appreciating the attempt at humour. He was doing his best to try and claw his way back and actually have a conversation. But it was like trying to swim through mud. The effort was exhausting him. All he could think of was a pair of dark brown eyes, soft lips and strong hands.
"I thought that you'd already left for Thessia?" he mumbled.
Liara nodded her head towards the void in front of them. "I was just about to leave when I got a call from a friend of mine on Earth who wants to meet. I thought that I would come by this way and see how you were doing."
She gave Kaidan a brave smile which quickly faltered. Kaidan knew how he must look. The dark circles under bloodshot eyes and three day growth didn't help. The only thing worse than the pain he felt was constantly trying and failing to rid himself of it. He took another shot of the cheap booze and felt it settle like liquid fire in his gut.
"You could probably have found someone a little better. I'm not the best company to keep these days."
There was silence for a moment as the two of them regarded their drinks. Kaidan cursed himself for killing the mood. He found that he simply couldn't talk these days without the misery he felt infecting every word. It was getting to the point where people at the embassy avoided him. Even the bar staff here knew not to ask any questions. He'd overheard one turian behind the bar whispering to a colleague to just keep his glass topped and never to speak with him.
"Listen, I'm sorry Liara. I know you're just trying to cheer me up and I'm just being a miserable - "
"We're worried about you", Liara cut in. Kaidan was only half aware. He was back on the Normandy. He was safe, warm and loved. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to come back to this shitty little bar with the cold and lonely apartment and empty bed. Liara's voice sounded far away.
"All of us are. Garrus said you were a mess before he was recalled to Palaven, and James says every time you meet you reek of whatever that is", she said indicating the glass.
"Well it's certainly not Johnnie Black", Kaidan mumbled.
Liara smiled ruefully and placed a hand on his. "I'm sorry Kaidan. We're just worried about you. Shepard's death hit us all hard and … well we just want you to know that you're not alone in all this. We're all here for you, whenever you need us."
Kaidan could only bring himself to nod. She'd said it. Everywhere Kaidan went people said Shepard's name as though he ranked up there with Christ and Buddha. Kaidan did everything he could to keep from saying that name. Because every time he did he was forced to admit the truth. Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, decorated hero of the Alliance, saviour of the galaxy and the man whom Kaidan had loved with all his heart was dead.
It was going to be one of those nights.
Kaidan could feel the hot rush of tears again. That black void in his stomach opened up and started to slowly gnaw away at his soul. The lights in the bar seemed to dim, and the background noise of the other patrons grew quiet. He could imagine himself falling into that void and vanishing forever. There'd be nothing left behind but an empty stool, an unpaid bar tab and a lonely apartment. No one would miss him.
"We all miss him Kaidan", Liara said. "After the explosion everyone was looking for him. I know it hurts even more that there was never a body that you could lay to rest. But you have to move past this. You know it's what Shepard would have wanted. Wasting away here in a bar looking out over everything he died for…that would kill him Kaidan."
There was silence when she was done. Kaidan couldn't think of anything to say in return. How could he? How could any of them understand?
"Did you know that we use to talk about you?" said Liara.
Her question caught him off guard. Why would they have talked about him? Shepard and Liara had been together years ago, shortly after meeting. It was with no small regret that Kaidan remembered the maelstrom of conflicting emotions he'd felt during that time. Ever guilty that he'd never made his feelings felt sooner. But there had been so much going on. There was the desperate search for Saren and their headlong dash to the Citadel in order to stop the Sovereign. Not to mention Shepard's first death and later resurrection at the hands of Cerberus. Kaidan's betrayal… There it was. More remorse and pain.
"What did he talk to you about?"
Liara gently swirled her drink and took a sip before answering. "He wanted to ensure that if anything happened between you two that it wasn't going to hurt me. When I told him I was happy for him, he wanted to know what I thought of you."
"What did you say?"
There was a faraway look in Liara's eyes when she answered. "I told him that if worlds were burning and everything we knew was coming to an end that he should grab on to whoever made his world seem brighter and love all the fiercer for it."
Kaidan gave a small smile. "Thanks, Liara". The silence dragged on unanswered for a few moments before Kaidan could ask his next question. "Did you love him?"
Liara turned to regard him and for a moment Kaidan was reminded that he was looking at someone wise beyond her years. Young by asari standards, Liara had nevertheless achieved a remarkable amount for such a short lifetime. Asari were usually in their fourth or fifth century before they matured as she had.
"Yes. His death hurt me deeply, Kaidan. But I realise now that what we had in the beginning was just two people trying desperately to hold on to life in the face of so much death. All we wanted was to feel alive."
She shook her head. "When it ended there was no bitterness. I love … loved … him Kaidan, but as a friend. You were different. I could see it in his eyes when you two were together. The way that he spoke about you said everything. I used to tease him. He'd drop the whole Commander Shepard routine and just become a man in love. There were so many tell-tale signs, which to anyone who hadn't spent years around him would have been unnoticeable. But to those of us who knew him, Kaidan, by the end he was wearing his heart on his sleeve. Goddess, he loved you Kaidan. If I know nothing else, I know that."
Kaidan looked out of the window to the view of Earth. Great dark clouds were still smeared over its surface. Most of Earth's great metropolises had gone up in flames, leaving behind clouds of ash and debris that would circulate for years to come. There were cities down there that were nothing more than huge scars gouged in the surface, some even visible from space. No one was even game to guess at how long the rebuilding would take or exactly how many had died.
It was just as bad everywhere else. The pictures Kaidan had seen of Palaven and Thessia still made his stomach churn. The turians had been hammered hard in their home system. The destruction wrought on Thessia had been brutal. Whole continents almost sterilised. The initial euphoria of victory had worn off. People were no longer amazed and grateful that they were alive and were starting to take stock of just how bad the damage really was. Things would never be the same again.
Kaidan knew what it had cost him.
"It's hard, you know?" he said. "I still hear his voice on the news. I hear it everywhere. Hackett released the audio for his last call from the Citadel. People cheer when they hear it. They hear a hero striving to save them. But he was in so much pain, Liara."
Kaidan choked back another sob. He clenched his jaws and gripped his glass so hard it nearly shattered. It was all he could do not to scream. He could feel the walls starting to give way and his self-control was slipping.
"People of all races idealise Shepard, Liara. And why shouldn't they? He saved the galaxy. Everything that happens from now on does so because he gave everything to make sure all of us could have a future."
He shot back the last of his drink, gripping hard at the table's edge.
"Hell, I hear that the krogan are even naming some of their new children after him. And every single god damned day I get to hear just how much they all love him for dying for them. Worst of all, Liara, is that he was alone in the end."
There it was. A great wave that crested the bulwark. A final push that sent him spiralling over the edge. It was a torrent that carried him far and deep.
"He was completely alone."
Liara stood, gently took Kaidan by the shoulders and guided him from the bar. A quick cab ride and they swiftly navigated the warren of streets and hallways amidst the ever present din of construction work to his apartment.
Kaidan turned to her as they arrived at the front door. "Thanks. I'm a fucking mess these days. I'm sorry to drag you down."
She hugged him and whispered in his ear. "We've been there for each other for years Kaidan. I know you'd do the same. You know, I'm still here on the Citadel for a couple of days. We should get together again. I was thinking of going down to the Brisbane refugee centre tomorrow and seeing what I can do."
A strange look came over Kaidan's face. Liara had seen it before. Humans called it the thousand yards stare. She placed a hand on his arm. "Kaidan?"
"Hmm? Sorry, what was that?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to get together tomorrow."
"Oh. Yeah, sure. I…I'm pretty free these days. Come by whenever."
With that Kaidan swiped the door open and stepped inside, leaving Liara standing in the hallway with a look of concern on her face.
When the door slid closed he stood there in the cool dark of his apartment for a moment. A crushing sense of futility landed on him. The darkness around him seemed to come alive and suffocate him. He could hear a buzzing in his ears, and a steady pressure building behind his eyes. A migraine now just added physical pain to his loneliness.
A despair he'd never known engulfed him completely. There were no tears this time. Instead Kaidan was suffused with a dreadful clarity of purpose as he headed towards the bathroom.
