AN: Bit of background: The Last Trial is a Russian musical about the Legends trilogy. While Russia is screwed up, the musical is amazing. Russian people are very hot.

Electric guitars and violins sound. Astinus appears and begins speaking Russian.

Raistlin, from off stage: English, idiot!

Astinus: Yeah, yeah, attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.

Raistlin: Raistlin!

Astinus: Sorry, the tale of Raistlin Majere, and those who hated him and those who loved him, then realized what an out and out jerk he was and then hated him too.

Raistlin bursts dramatically on to the stage and begins to sing Aria of the Mage.

Raistlin: ...these eyes that look through flesh can be pretty rad sometimes, for example, I can see through all your clothes.

Audience: What the HELL, you pervert!

Astinus, from off stage: Get back on the script!

Raisltin: Well, the point of this song is how fine I am and I think that's established so...

Takhisis enters, Raistlin's dreams, and sings the first of her many amazing songs.

Caramon: Raist, wake up!

Raistlin: I'm trying to sleep! Can't you see that? Why are you waking me up?

Caramon: It advances the plot.

Raistlin: Oh, right.

Someone knocks on the door.

Messenger: Open the door! It's raining out here! Mail for Raistlin Majere!

Raistlin goes to the door, the high heeled boots he's wearing making clicking sounds on the floor to get the letter.

Raistlin: Some cleric wants to see me.

Caramon: I'll come too!

Raistlin: No! Leave me alone.

He storms into the rain in his fancy boots and walks all the way to Palanthas (in heels) because he is extremely talented like that.

Scene 2:

Raistlin enters and sees Crysania.

Raistlin: By the gods, you're hot!

Crysania: What?!

Raistlin: I said, I said good evening.

Crysania: Yes, hi. I came to say that Paladine is pretty mad about this ascending to godhood thing you got going on and if you don't stop, he'll burn you to ashes.

Raistlin: Violent and beautiful! What a woman!

Crysania: What?!

Raistlin: Nothing! I asked if I should tell you my evil plan.

Crysania: Yes, then maybe you'll stop hitting on me.

Raistlin sings a lot of pretty stuff about light and darkness.

Raistlin: ...and THAT'S why I should become a god!

Crysania: That's the stupidest this I've ever heard.

Raistlin coughs violently.

Crysania: Ew, tell me you're not contagious! I guess I should offer to help you.

Raistlin: Yes! Lay your lovely hands on me!

Crysania: One more remark, mage, and I swear...

Raistlin: I said, please help me.

Crysania prays over him and leaves.

Rasitlin: What a lovely woman.

Astinus: Did you like her? I thought you acted rather cold and distant.

Raistlin: Oh no, really?

Astinus: No, get out. I'm busy.

Scene 3:

Crysania is praying in her Temple.

Crysania: Father, let me save him!

Paladine: That's a really bad idea, actually.

Crysania: No, it isn't!

Paladine: Yes, it is!

Crysania: Fine! I don't need you!

Paladine, to her retreating back: Fine!

Scene: Conclave of Mages

Par Salian: Raisltin Majere's such a punk.

Other Mages: Amen!

Par Salian: So what can we do?

Dalamar, descending as the Deus Ex Machina: I can teleport a cleric who's in love with him and his brother back in time to Istar. They can can help.

Par Salian, to Crysania: In love with RAISTLIN? You must have low standards.

Crysania: I'm not in love!

Other Mages: And why's he is Istar? What a dump.

Dalamar: Did any of you ever hear what I just said?

Par Salian: Yeah, go for it.

Dalamar: And have I showed you my chest?

The Straight Male/Lesbian Women Mages: No one has any interest in your chest, Dalamar.

Everyone Else: Actually, we wouldn't mind-

Par Salian: NO! No one is taking their clothes off! Dalamar, sit down. Good gods, I work in a kindergarten.