Okay, my writers block is over (I think!). Here's my idea of what happens after season four ends. I've taken some literary license and changed some of the story line:
First of all, Paul Raines dies on the operating table and Jack's actions had nothing to do with it. So, Audrey can't blame Jack for Paul's death. Also, Jen never calls Tony at CTU and Tony and Michelle don't have that moment alone (in episode 4x21) where they essentially admit that they want to be together.
All the usual disclaimer stuff applies: Jack, Tony, Michelle, Audrey, James Heller, Curtis Manning, Erin Driscoll, Bill Buchanan all belong to Fox not me. Other characters are part of my very vivid imagination. The title STARDUST doesn't belong to me either. It is a 1940s song that was re-recorded in 2004 by Rod Stewart. The lyrics are very fitting. (Apparently we aren't allowed to include the lyrics that have inspired a title any more. If you're interested, I'm sure you can find the lyrics on line.)
So please read and if you like it review. I need to know if this is worth continuing. By the way, I PROMISE not to kill either Tony or Michelle like I did in my last fanfic!
Stardust
Chapter 1: Trying to Touch a Rainbow
9:15am
Tony had just finished debriefing and was sitting back drinking a cup of coffee with Agent Phil Riley. Phil was an old friend who Tony was happy to have debrief him. To think that 24 hours ago he was just rolling out of bed and trying to decide what to watch on television and wondering if it was too early to have his first beer. His life was going nowhere at that point and he didn't care. Why care? He had lost everything. As if it wasn't enough that he had, for several months, lost his freedom. He also lost his job, his pension and finally his wife. His precious wife. He could deal with the other losses, but not that one, not the loss of his beautiful Michelle. Not only did she no longer love him, but she perceived him to be a worthless drunk. He could see it in her eyes when they first saw each other here at CTU yesterday. She admitted it. "The last time I saw you, you couldn't stay sober long enough to keep a job!" she told him. Her words stung. They were true, but they still stung.
But the last day had changed everything. Now here he sat, having been instrumental in stopping terrorists that had the ability to kill millions of Americans and render thousands and thousands of acres of land unusable for decades to come. He had saved Jack and Audrey. He had proven his worth. He had even run CTU for a short while. God, it felt good! It felt good to be useful and in command. It felt good to be trusted again, to be needed, to be able to use his skills.
It had been painful, too, having lost his brief command to Michelle. His ex-wife, the woman he taught everything she knew about running CTU, had waltzed in and taken over for him. He was stunned by her appearance. Her hair was straight and she wore a tight, prim, business woman's suit. Where were the pastel cotton sweaters with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows that made her look soft and approachable? She looked so cold and unfeeling in a brown suit. She didn't unbutton the jacket all day. His Michelle would have pulled off the jacket and rolled up her sleeves. This new Michelle was so uptight that she was still straightening her jacket and retouching her make up at 4 o'clock in the morning.
And what happened to her curls? Maybe it was better that they were gone. If she still had her curls he probably couldn't have kept his hands away from them. He loved her curls. He loved to let them twist around his fingers. He loved to tuck them behind her ears when they fell into her face. That always made her smile. Even when she was upset or things were going badly at CTU, she would always smile if he fixed a loose curl. She hadn't smiled once today. Even when it was clear that the threat was over, she still didn't smile. There had been congratulations all around. Bill Buchanan strode proudly over to Michelle and congratulated her as well, but she barely smiled. She stood alone, mirthless, off to the side.
Jack knocked lightly on the door and opened it without waiting for a response. "Hey," he said. "Are you guys finished?" Jack looked tired; his five o'clock shadow was now 16 hours old. He hadn't even stopped long enough to take his Kevlar vest off.
Phil Riley stood and crossed the room to shake Jack's hand. "Just finished," Phil told Jack. He pointed at Jack's vest. "You can take it off, Jack. I think you're safe in here. Unless you think there might still be a few agents who hold grudges against you from when you ran the place."
Jack smiled realizing for the first time that was still wearing the vest. "No, I think I'm safe here. How are you, Phil? How's Bonnie?" he asked as he stripped off the vest.
"I'm okay. Bonnie's fine. We had another baby a couple of months ago." Phil told him. Jack congratulated him and Phil continued. "It's good to see you Jack. It was like old times here today. Jack in the field and Tony running point. If there hadn't been so much at stake, it almost would have been fun. You guys haven't lost a step."
"I'm not so sure about that," Jack said with a vague smile. "I feel like I'm about eighty right now. I used to be able to do this kind of stuff and not feel it. I guess I'm a little out of shape."
"Well, you may feel bad, but you looked great," Phil said. "And Tony can still read your mind. When the goons from McLennan-Forster were after you, Tony said that you would draw them into a firefight. He wanted to send our guys in so they would be ready but Michelle stopped him and kept CTU on the perimeter. You should have seen her face when she realized that Tony was right. That was priceless! Tony, you must have enjoyed that."
"Not really. I would have enjoyed it more if someone had listened to me in the first place. It they had, CTU would have had tactical units in place and been able to respond in seconds rather than minutes." Tony looked down. "If we had responded in time, Paul Raines would probably be alive right now."
Jack nodded. Of all of the lives lost today, he was most upset about Paul Raines. Paul had saved Jack's life but had lost his own in the process. The doctors were able to stabilize him briefly and Audrey had even had a chance to talk to him, but he started hemorrhaging again and they were never able to stop it. After more hours of surgery, Paul died shortly before dawn.
"How is Audrey taking it?" Tony asked.
"Badly," Jack answered succinctly. "She's blaming herself. I'm not sure why, since it was my life he was trying to save when he got shot."
"Where is she now?" Tony asked.
"She's in the conference room with her father. They're on the phone with Paul's family in Australia."
"I'm sorry, Jack," Tony said. "I know this is hard on you, too."
Jack simply nodded his thanks. "Phil, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to Tony alone for a few minutes."
"Not at all," Phil said as he picked up the debriefing tape from the table. "We were finished." He turned and shook hands with Tony who stood up and walked around the table. "It was good seeing you, Tony. I hope things start looking up for you."
"Thanks, Phil. I appreciate it."
Phil smiled and said goodbye to Jack as he left the room.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Tony asked as he sat down in the nearest chair and indicated to Jack to do the same.
Jack sat down and spoke quietly. "Look, Tony, I told you earlier that I saw you come back to life today. When we were in the thick of it today, your eyes sparkled. You haven't looked like that since before you were arrested. I've talked to friends at NSA and Homeland Security. They both said they could use someone with your skills. If you'd like to come back to Washington with me, I've got room at my townhouse. You're welcome to stay," Jack paused and looked away. He gathered his thoughts and looked back at Tony again.
"Getting away from LA is probably the best thing you could do for yourself right now. Believe me, I know. LA is just too full of memories. Everywhere I go in LA I have some memory of Teri. Even this building; it's like the place is haunted. I still can't go near the transformer room." Jack stopped for a moment and shook his head. The memory of finding Teri dead in the transformer room was still clear in his mind. "Think about it Tony. I think it would be good for you."
"I don't have to think about it, Jack. The answer is 'yes'. You're right. I need to get out of LA. Michelle is everywhere I look and having to work next to her today…," his sentence trailed off and he shook his head. "That was almost unbearable. God! I still love her so much. I don't know how to make myself stop loving her."
"Have you told her that?" Jack asked pointedly.
"Are you kidding? She made it patently clear the last time we saw each other that she wanted me out of her life permanently. And today… Well, let's just say the tension was pretty thick between us. If we didn't have to be together, we wouldn't have been."
"Tony, you had more than one chance to leave if it was that uncomfortable. Why did you stay if you didn't want to?"
"I was about to leave once, but Michelle stopped me."
"Maybe she was trying to tell you something, Tony. Maybe she was telling you that she still wants you in her life."
"Maybe she just needed someone to save her ass," Tony speculated bitterly. "She needed somebody with my skills to get her through a crisis and for whatever reason, I agreed to do it. It's not the first time I've had to save her ass. At least this time she managed not to get kidnapped and I didn't have to commit treason."
"That's not fair, Tony," Jack said. "Michelle isn't to blame for being kidnapped. And it's not your fault that you chose to handle it the way you did. There were other ways out, Tony. If you had trusted me, I would have helped you."
"Jesus, Jack! We've been through this a hundred times. I handled it the only way I knew how at the time. I couldn't stand by and let Saunders hurt her." Tony rubbed his forehead and walked around the table. He spoke quietly now. "I couldn't let him hurt her then and, frankly, I couldn't let anyone hurt her now. When I realized that she needed me today, I turned into putty. I would have done anything she asked. She barely thanked me. God, what happened to her? She seems so cold and distant. Did I do that to her?"
"Tony, I think you should tell Michelle everything you just told me. She deserves to know that you still love her."
Tony shook his head. "Why? So she can tell me that regardless of how I feel, she doesn't love me. I don't need that right now, Jack. I don't think my ego can handle it." Tony sighed. "But you are right; I need to go back to work. I just basically need to start over. I had thought about going back to Chicago, but if you've got connections in DC and I can get a job there, I'll accept your offer."
"Good," Jack said. "I'll let my friends at NSA and Homeland know that you'll be available for interviews next week. You can contact them when we get to Washington." Jack stood up. "I'll arrange for one of Secretary Heller's drivers to take you home. I don't know when we're leaving for Washington yet but I'll call you as soon as Secretary Heller makes that decision. From the discussion he was having with Audrey before they called Paul's parents, I think Audrey is going to accompany Paul's body back to Australia. I don't think they can arrange that before tomorrow. Jim Heller will want to stay in LA until Audrey is on her way to Australia. My guess is that we will leave sometime before noon tomorrow. That should give you time to pack your things."
"Thanks, Jack," Tony said. "You've been a friend to me when I haven't been easy to like. I can't thank you enough." The two friends looked at each other for a long moment and smiled. They had seen each other through some of the worst days of either of their lives and were closer because of it. "I guess I'll head home and pack."
Jack nodded. "I'll let the driver know."
"Tell him I'll be about 15 minutes. I'd like to say goodbye to some people."
"Okay," Jack said with a vague smile. He suspected that the "some people" Tony needed to say goodbye to was really only Michelle.
Jack watched as Tony slowly made his way through the bullpen. He stopped to talk to a couple of people. He knew Jack was watching and he didn't want to be to make it look like Michelle was the only person that he wanted to talk to. But the truth was, that no one else mattered. Everyone else was invisible to him. Michelle, alone, walked the same earth as he. She was so close that he could reach out and touch her, but he didn't dare to. She was so close and so unattainable. It was like trying to touch a rainbow. It was always just a little farther away; always just out of your grasp.
Tony stopped to talk to Curtis for a moment. They had only met today, but he had quickly come to like and respect the man. Actually, talking to Curtis had a two-fold purpose. Curtis' work station gave Tony a good vantage point to view the conference room. He wanted to know that Jack was in the room with Audrey and Secretary Heller before he made his way to Michelle's office.
Michelle sat in her office so tired she didn't know how she was going to drive home. This day had been exhausting both mentally and physically and having Tony so near her had made it that much harder. She glanced down at the bullpen and saw Tony talking to Curtis. He looked so at home here; he belonged here. After his performance today she was pretty sure that she could get him reinstated permanently, not as Director, but certainly at a high level within either the information systems department or as an intelligence analyst. With his skill and experience it wouldn't take long for him to work his way back up.
She forced herself to stop looking at him and to focus on the mountain of paperwork in front of her. There was no way she was going to finish it today. This was probably three or four day's worth of work. She knew that she would be more efficient if she went home and got some sleep and came back in fresh tomorrow morning. In fact, Bill told her to go home over an hour ago. The paperwork could wait, he told her. But she couldn't go, not while Tony was here. Not while she had a chance to look at him and wonder if maybe, just maybe there was any chance for them to reconcile.
Michelle was filling out yet another report when she heard the knock at her door. "Come in," she called without ever looking up.
She heard the door open slowly but no one came in so she finally looked up. Tony stood in the door way.
"Tony," she said. "You look tired. If you've finished debriefing you should go home and get some rest."
Tony nodded. "I'm going to do that. I just wanted to say goodbye and tell you that you did a great job today."
"Thank you. I made a lot of mistakes. I should have listened to you when Jack and Paul were pinned down at McLennan-Forster. If I had, Paul would probably…"
"No, Michelle," Tony interrupted without letting her finish. "If there was one thing I learned in this job, it was not to second guess yourself. You did what your training and your knowledge and your understanding of the situation told you to do at that moment. It didn't work out and, yes, you have to take responsibility for that, but you will drive yourself crazy if you keep second guessing yourself. Learn from it and move on. Jack would tell you the same thing."
Michelle nodded tentatively. "You're right, but it's hard."
"I know it is, but you have to do it," Tony told her. He paused and the silence in the office was deafening. Tony finally spoke. "Before I leave, I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to Washington with Jack."
"You are?" Michelle asked. The surprise in her voice was genuine.
"Yeah, he has some connections there. They have some positions open at NSA and at Homeland Security that I would be qualified for. Even if those don't pan out, I think it's a good idea for me to get out of LA. There are lots of opportunities in and around Washington. Who knows, I've talked about getting a Ph.D. in computer science. Maybe I'll finally do that and teach at some college. I need to start over."
Michelle forced herself to smile. Tony was moving across the country to get away from her, to "start over" as he put it. In other words, to find another woman; one who would appreciate him, one who would realize that he was a wonderful, caring man. She had been such a fool. His drinking and his pushing her away had been a symptom of something else. She should have been more patient, more caring. At the time it happened, it all seemed so unbearable that the only thing she could do was leave him. Now, she wanted to go back in time and correct all of her mistakes.
"That sounds like a good idea, Tony," she said trying to sound convincing. "I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it."
"Thanks," he said. "I've got to go. Jack asked Secretary Heller's driver to take me home. I don't want to keep him waiting."
He stood getting a final look at Michelle. He had hoped that she would try and stop him. Obviously, he thought, I've hurt her so much that she wants me to leave. She wants me to be 3000 miles away so that she doesn't have to ever worry about seeing me again. He wondered how he could have ever hurt her so badly. He had never loved anyone as much before and doubted that he would ever love like that again. He regretted the way he acted when he came home from prison and he wanted to tell her so, but what was the point. She was out of his reach now and baring his soul to her would just hurt too much. "Take care of yourself," he told her.
"I will. You, too," she said solemnly. Please take care of yourself, she thought. I love you so much.
Tony turned his back and walked out the door. Michelle watched him go. She watched him walk down the steps and cross the bullpen toward the rear exit. She collapsed into the desk chair and felt tears well up in her eyes. There was no point in trying to stop them so she didn't.
She wasn't sure how long she cried, but she was crying so hard that she didn't hear the knock at the door. Bill Buchanan had knocked and waited for a response but didn't get one. He thought maybe Michelle was on the phone, so he cracked the door enough to poke his head in. Michelle sat, with her elbows on her thighs and her head in her hands, sobbing.
Buchanan moved into the office and closed the door softly behind him. "Michelle," he whispered as he crossed the room in a couple of steps. He dropped to one knee in front of her and pulled her into his arms.
"I'm sorry," Michelle sobbed. "I don't know why I'm crying," she lied. She knew exactly why she was crying and she had no intention of telling Bill.
"You're tired, that's all. The stress of the day, combined with no sleep just caught up with you." Bill's arms were around her and his face was dangerously close to hers.
The last time she cried to her boss was the day the nuke was detonated in the desert. That time it was Tony and she ended up kissing him. Michelle took a deep breath and sat up. She wasn't going to let that happen this time.
"I guess you're right," she said trying to smile. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. Take a few minutes and calm down and then go home. Get some sleep and you can come back in tomorrow. I'm going home soon. If you don't feel up to driving, I can drive you home."
"No," Michelle told him. "I'll be fine." Again she tried to smile. She wouldn't be fine. The truth was that she hadn't been "fine" in 18 months. She hadn't been "fine" since Tony was arrested. She certainly hadn't been "fine" since she left him. And now he was gone, on his way to Washington D.C. Michelle didn't think she would ever be "fine" again.
"Can I get you some coffee?" Bill asked.
"No, I think I've had quite enough in the last 24 hours. If I drink any more, I won't be able to sleep when I get home. I'm just going to organize the desk a little bit and then I'll leave."
Bill moved back toward her and took her in his arms again. "Michelle, I'm worried about you. You went through a lot today and I'm sure seeing Tony again didn't help matters any. If you need to talk, I'm here for you."
Michelle was surprised at how secure she felt in Bill's arms. It wasn't like being held by Tony, but it was nice. His arms were warm and strong and it had been ages since a man held her. She thought about pulling back. None of this was appropriate; after all, he was her boss. But the truth was, sometimes it felt good to be cared for and protected. And Michelle had been trying to be strong for so many months now that it was a pleasure to relax and let someone else accept her burden, if only for a few moments. She had forgotten just how good it felt to have a man's arms around her. Besides that, Michelle knew that Bill cared for her. He really was a good man.
She surprised him by kissing his cheek gently. "Thanks, Bill. I needed that," she said as she pulled away. "Will you be here tomorrow or will you be at Division?"
"I'll be at Division, but I can come over here if you need me."
"No, I'll touch base with you tomorrow afternoon. Is that okay?"
Bill agreed and left the office. He was surprised by Michelle's kiss. When he wanted to start a relationship with her in the past, she clearly wasn't interested. Maybe he was reading too much into that little peck on the cheek, but she had seemed sincere. Was it possible that seeing Tony today had made her realize that the two of them didn't have a future? Bill hoped so. He had a big empty spot in his heart that for the last several months it seemed only Michelle could fill.
Michelle sat down at her desk, pulled out her bag and rummaged through it to find her make up kit. Crying had messed up her make up and she still had to walk through the bullpen to leave CTU. She wanted to make sure that no one could tell that she had been crying. It was time to go home. She needed food and she needed sleep and she needed to figure out what to do with her life now that Tony was really leaving it forever.
Please, please, please review and let me know if this is worth continuing.
