With trembling hands she reaches out and draws him nearer to her in an attempt to rid herself of the desire that consumed her. His flesh burns hot beneath her hands as they slowly move from his jaw line to the back of his neck. She feels his hands slip around her waist as he draws soothing circles with his thumbs against her lower back. Her breathing is heavy and thick and in harmony with his as they deepen their moment together; unknowing of where it will lead or what the consequences will be, yet too absorbed to care.
He brings her close; close enough to feel each thump of her heart against his own chest and brushes the hair out of her eyes. He opens his mouth to say her name; to feel it on his tongue, but she closes her hand over top of it before he gets the chance, and soon after, replaces her hand with her lips. Slowly and delicately she moves above him, exploring his depth and testing his boundaries.
With every laboured breath and every skip of her heart she feels herself falling deeper into the ocean that is Richard Castle. She feels the current of her feelings dragging her deeper into what she can not name- is it love? She thinks so. But love is not something she is familiar with and the uncertainty she feels gives rise to other things-other feelings. She's scared and unsure and nervous, yet she's excited and interested and curious all at once. She doesn't know which side to go with, which notion she should follow. Her gut tells her to leave but her heart tells her to stay- to revel in the moment and drink in every second of time she has left with him.
Before she even knows it she's backing away from him and wiping her thumbs over her lips as she tries to push back the tears that are welling up within her. She turns her back to him and stares out through the great bay window that overlooks the Manhattan skyline. She feels him before she sees him, as he steps up behind her and lays his hand gingerly over her shoulder. She folds her arms over her chest and squeezes tightly, trying her hardest to focus on something other than the hand that is touching her, yet failing miserably.
She owes him an explanation and she knows that- you can't just show up at someone else's house in the middle of the night and expect not to be asked a few questions. But she knows that he's not going to push her for answers and the fact that he's there with her, consoling her in the most unimportant and insignificant way makes her load feel a tiny bit lighter.
"I don't know what went wrong." She admits. "One minute he's here, and the next he's gone." Her words come out in a whisper. "I can't count on him, Rick."
He sees the first of many glistening tears cascade down her porcelain cheek in the moonlight as he suppresses the urge to kill the man who did this to her. This is the second time in the last three months that she's showed up at his place in the middle of the night completely broken. He doesn't remember her ever being this way- so broken and unsure of herself. The Kate Beckett he knew back then- back before Josh- had been confident and brave, fearless and valiant.
But that's different now.
She's different now.
"Look, Kate. I don't know what's going on with you two, but I know that this," he makes a sweeping motion with his hands, "can't be good for you."
She shakes her head "I know."
"It's not healthy."
"I know."
He releases a frustrated breath. "Then why do you keep going back?"
She pulls away from him now and walks to the other end of the room, and when she turns around to look at him, he can see the anger on her face. She paces the room and he waits patiently, knowing full well that the moment she finds the right words, she's going to lay it on him. He struck a nerve and he knows that. He'd be lying if he said he didn't know why she felt like she had to go back to him, but what he doesn't understand is why she can't admit that she doesn't want to.
"He treats me well, Castle." Her words are hard and clean cut. No trace of anything other than the venom she puts there. "He loves me."
This time her words aren't as convincing as he hears her voice break. She wipes frantically at the tears rimming her eyes, and even from a distance, he can see how scared she is.
"He does." Castle agrees nonchalantly. "But not the way you want him to."
Her arms fall to her side as she tilts her head and squints at him.
"Not the way you do." She says.
"No one will ever love you the way that I do, Kate."
She shakes her heard. "I don't want to hurt him."
He doesn't know where to go next. Inside of him a war is raging; he wants so desperately to be selfish and tell her to leave Josh and be with him instead, but he knows that it wouldn't be fair. He knows that no matter how deeply he wants her- there is another man out there who loves her as well. Although Josh doesn't love her right, he loves her nonetheless.
"Tell me why you keep coming here."
She sets her hands on her hips and looks up towards the ceiling. She bites down hard on her bottom lip as she brushes a hand over her mouth. She meets his eyes.
"I don't like being alone in that apartment." She finally admits to him. "I get scared."
"That still doesn't answer my question." He says delicately, as if not to scare her off.
Then, as her bottom lip begins to tremble, she speaks the words she'd been hiding for so long.
"You the only one who makes me feel safe."
Just a nagging thought. Decided to get it in writing.
Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Criticism?
Let me know.
Love&Blessings
O
