(A/N: This is by far one of the dumbest things I've actually ever put to virtual paper. If you know me on deviantART then you should know that I post A LOT of ideas on there that I hope other writers will decide to use for their own designs in hope that they'll credit me for giving them the idea or bring me on as a creative consultant to see my idea brought to fruition. That said what the FUCK am I doing? This is just…oh my god. I really can't believe that I'm doing this. But, eh, it was an idea too good to pass up. Please enjoy and if you think it's worth expanding say so in your review. It won't be a high priority project, but it'll at least be amusing).

Disclaimer: Bleach is written by Tite Kubo


Beverly Hills, California

In many walks of life throughout the land, there will always be nothing more mystical than the illustrious magical girl. They are a strange breed of teenage girls full of hope and cheer; they fart rainbows, make people smile and hug adorable kittens.

EXCEPT IN THIS STORY!

At a remote high school, standing on the pitcher's mound of her school's baseball field, stood Candice Catnipp, a seventeen-year-old blonde tomboy with yellow eyes, and a love of sports- especially baseball. She also loved hunky boys, bubblegum and punk rock music.

As she stood straight up, ball in her glove, she prepared her pitch. It was the bottom of the ninth, with two outs, bases loaded, and a tie game. Candice blew a bubble with her gum. It popped, and she chewed it. Then, she sent a swift pitch straight over the pitcher's mound, in an attempt to intimidate the meek girl up to bat. She was surprised when her pitch was hit, and sent flying out of the ball park and into the street. The poor baseball was then run over by a car.

Candice's eye twitched in anger as she watched the car go by.

As opposing team congratulated their winning batter, Candice promptly walked over to her, and slammed her fist into her face, determined to beat her to a bloody pulp.

"Hit my winning pitches will you? I'll show you, you spotlight stealing bitch!" She cried, as she let the punches rain on the hapless batter.

Oh. Right. Two more things you should know about Candice.

Tweet! Two police officers came running over to the baseball field, wrestled down and overpowered her, and then handcuffed her and began leading her away.

"Hey! What the hell gives? You can't arrest me! I didn't do nothing!" Candice shouted, kicking her legs furiously and struggling to break free. "Your evidence will never hold up in court! I want my lawyer, you shit-eating, AIDS-ridden fascist pigs!"

She was a repeat juvenile delinquent, mostly for shoplifting, but she'd been convicted on assault charges too. She also had a really vulgar tongue.

"Hey! Fuck you, asshole!" Candice yelled at the narrator.

Oh, hush!

Meanwhile, in the chemistry lab, there was one of the top idols of the school, Bambietta Basterbine. She was an intelligent junior year, dark haired and blue eyed beauty, with a killer body. Her hobbies included tennis, reading romance novels, looking at pictures of cats on the internet, and she was a fan of the Pokemon franchise.

BOOM!

As the chem lab exploded every student in the room was ducking under the desks. Bambietta, however, lifted up her safety goggles and cheered, "Whoo hoo! Success!"

Oh, right. And she loved explosions. She was quite the notorious ant hill bomber, solved 70% of her problems with C4, and considered Michael Bay films art.

Bambietta winked at the reader and gave them the peace sign. "The stories are crap, but who doesn't love stuff blowing up?"

Everybody, but I'm sure you can find that kind of thing in better films.

"Nobody does explosions like Michael Bay, and you know it!"

Whatever.

At this same time, the cheer leading squad was performing their routine for the school's football team "The Archers". Among them, pink haired and eyed student Meninas McAllon. She was a senior at the school and definitely the most voluptuous of the entire cheer leading squad and the eyes of many boys in the school. She was an amazing cook, specializing in cakes, muffins and cookies. She loved kittens, puppies and bunnies. She could play the drums and the flute really well, and she often was a supervisor for her district's Girl Scout troupe, and there was no man alive who could refuse her when she helped sell cookies. She was a black belt in karate, and she was an all-around sweetheart. There was just one teensy tiny problem with Meninas.

"Head's up!" One of the football team members shouted as he threw an incomplete pass towards the cheerleaders.

The other cheerleaders ran screaming, but Meninas managed to catch the ball in between her pom-poms while the ball was barely two inches from her face. Without even waiting for it to be asked to be returned, Meninas dropped her right Pompom and threw the ball as hard as she could. It sailed through the air at near supersonic speed, hitting with perfect accuracy the quarterback's groin. He wore a cup, but that didn't matter- Meninas' strike had hit him pretty hard. He squeezed his legs together, toppled over and grabbed his crotch.

"Oh my gosh!" Meninas jogged forward, her boobs bouncing with every step. "Are you all right?"

"I… can never… have children…" the quarterback squealed with pain.

"Oh good, you're fine," Meninas said with a smile.

The problem was that Meninas was either completely oblivious to the pain of others, or she was a closet sadist. The jury was still out on that one.

"I… need a doctor."

"Oh you'll be fine. Walk it off!" She then returned to her fellow cheerleaders to continue practice.

While the quarterback was carried off the football field, Giselle Gewelle, a blue-eyed, pale-skinned, black-haired sophomore, was currently teaching her students a lesson in an abandoned classroom. It was after school hours and no one was currently using the room, so she was using it to indulge herself in one of her sick and twisted fantasies.

"And this, class," she said, using a stick to point to the diagram she had on the overhead projector that was transmitting images from her laptop, "Is what it looks like when you sew a surgically removed penis to someone's breasts."

Yeah, Giselle wasn't exactly right in the head. Though there were good things about her. There was…there was…actually no she's completely fucked up and creepy. Sure, she liked Stephen King novels and the poetry of Edgar Allen Poe. But she also considered the Hellsing Ultimate series softcore porn; to her, Silence of the Lambs and Sweeney Todd were romantic comedies, and she thought of Quentin Tarantino as a director of sensual movies. She also thought that Jason Vorhees would make the perfect boyfriend.

"Any questions class?" Giselle asked, looking at all the corpses she had dug up, stitched together and somehow dragged to school and set up in the empty classroom without being noticed.

One of the heads rolled off of the dead bodies and then Giselle felt something crawl up her back and on top of her head. It was a very large and very hairy tarantula.

"Oh there you are, Mitzy," Giselle said, glancing up at the tarantula. The tarantula crawled down her face, sticking its thorax in between Giselle's eyes. Giselle held the arachnid in the palms of her hands. "Did you find that dead bird I left for you?" Mitzy's fangs wiggled back and forth. "I bet somebody's hungry for rat. I found a big fat one in the janitor's closet. Come on, I'll show you." Giselle then left the room, leaving all the dead bodies still in the classroom.

Some might marvel at the oddity of a classroom full of corpses- what about the stench, or the sanitation issues, or the complete lack of ethics?- but such simple trivialities were far below Giselle. Reason and Logic had learned to stay far away from her, because Giselle did terrible things to them and they were still traumatized from the last time, thank you very much. As such, Giselle and reality had a relationship that facebook would call "complicated". In effect, she pretty much did whatever she wanted. It would be anarchy, if Giselle wasn't so neat and orderly. Students somehow didn't ask questions, mainly because something deep in their reptile brain told them not to, and Giselle held her classes uninterrupted.

Saying Giselle had issues was like saying a nuclear explosion was loud. It didn't really touch upon the important details of the obvious and couldn't be a bigger understatement if you tried.

And, finally, there was Liltotto Lampered. Like Candice, she was blonde. Unlike Candice she was a freshman, and her eyes were caramel colored. Liltotto might not have really hit into puberty—even Giselle had at least a little volume—but she had other good points. She was good at fixing motor vehicles. She liked nature documentaries. And she was a big fan of stand-up comedy. However, she too also had a critical flaw.

At present, Liltotto was at the school store buying at least a dozen candy bars and bags of chips. Upon paying for her snacks, she tore them all open and wolfed them down with gusto that would make a starving grizzly bear tearing into a freshly killed reindeer look refined. In all likeliness, the grizzly would probably raise its nose and say, with some pride, that he had standards and that eating like Liltotto was a disgraceful comparison. Yeah, Liltotto's eating manners were atrocious.

…what? They don't all have to be ungodly horrendous.

These five girls were often thought to not get very far in life, Giselle especially since most people thought she'd end up in an insane asylum before she was 25. However, starting today they'd be known as the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi! Roughly translating to: Magical Girl Rainbow Angels!


New York City

People always say that Tokyo has it the worst when it comes to Kaiju attacks. People often forget that New York is quite often the target for giant monster attacks as well. Sadly, humanity had not yet reached the point where they built humongous mechas to fight them... was no different. Today, a giant monster had come out of nowhere and was attacking the city. It was a scaly, green bear with fire breath, standing as tall as the empire state building, and it had glowing red eyes- because all evil kaiju need red eyes. And it was destroying the Big Apple. It was utter chaos, as it smashed through buildings, destroyed bridges, assaulted well known monuments- a speciatly of kaiju- and last but not least, gleefully jaywalking while flipping off poor, innocent police officers.

"Quick!" cried Michael Bay, who was drawn to disaster like a moth to the flame, mainly because of his explosexuality, (a rare, incurable condition) "Get a camera! I'm going to film this attack, and then make a movie about it that is in no way relevant to the source material, with bad actors and plenty of explosions!"

"Sure!" Agreed M. Night Shyamalan, who had randomly been walking by for no particular reason, "And I'll add a twist into the movie at the end that makes absolutely no sense just so that there can be a twist!"

"We'll make so much money!" Michael Bay shouted.

"Which we can then use to buy beer, women, and make a shitty sequel that no one asked for and people will love it anyway!"

"We asked for it!"

"And we're the only ones who matter."


At a remote location

On a deserted island

Ikumi Unagiya was the CEO of her self-created company Unagiya Corp. A beautiful, black-haired woman with a noticeable chest and an even more noticeable right hook, she had, in true Uncle Scrooge fashion, gone from nothing- nothing meaning her own cart from which she sold eel sushi- to owning a small sushi restaurant, to building a small chain of restaurants, and from there had naturally progressed to owning two oil companies, an arms company, four computer engineering companies, and a fancy beauty parlour in the middle of Tokyo with the most fabulous nail polish in the land, and all this without even being Scottish. Her net worth was almost incalculable, and she was roughly two steps from being a Bond villain. Possible future plans included a pool of sharks with freaking laser beams on their heads, or possibly a death star. World domination was not off the table. Currently, she was holding a meeting to protect the innocents- that is, her innocent, highly profitable assets, under risk by selfish liberal democrat communist kaiju who just wanted to destroy her wealth.

"Hey!" she shouted over to Kisuke Urahara, her blond assistant. She had hired him because he was smart and mostly amoral, and the rule of two did state that if you wanted to be a sith lord, you needed an apprentice."We gotta do something about that big kaiju tearing up New York."

"How many military personnel have died yet?" Urahara asked, leaning back in his chair.

"The military hasn't gotten involved yet."

"Pfft," Yoruichi scoffed. She too worked for Unagiya. How else do you think Urahara got the job? No one would hire him without an internal referral. Where Yoruichi went, Urahara went. But they totally weren't married or anything and they especially weren't having a threesome with Yoruichi's Asian assistant. "Then kick back and relax. Everyone knows the real heroes don't do diddly-squat until at least two tanks have been destroyed."

"Two tanks have been destroyed at the scene of the giant reptile bear monster attack in New York City," a monotone news reporter said from the TV. "Also, it is believed that one of the victims of the giant monster attack is Bryan Cranston."

"NOOO!" Yoruichi shouted. "Not Bryan Cranston!He had so much potential for turning this into a great story instead of a mediocre monster flick with uninteresting characters!"

"You're goddamn right," Urahara said, sitting up and pulling his chair towards his trio of unecessarily overly complex dashboards, "Time to go to work. What do you want me to do, chief?"

Unagiya held out her palm, all fingers outstretched. "Recruit five teenagers with attitude!"

"Are you sure, chief?" Urahara asked her. "Wouldn't five, bright, upstanding citizens work better?"

"Or a giant robot," Yoruichi said.

"Look, we wasted our budget on those five transformation rings. Somebody's gotta use 'em!" Unagiya shouted.

"And whose fault is that?" Urahara asked.

"You're looking for the right way to a salary cut, Kisuke," Yoruichi commented.

"Look I want five teenagers with attitude by the time I'm back from lunch! If I don't you're both getting salary cuts!" Unagiya stomped out of the room. She then poked her head back inside with a quick. "And you guys are off my Christmas list!"

"You do it, Kisuke," Yoruichi said, leaning back in her chair. "You're better with techno warp drive gizmos and whatever."

"Right then, five teenagers with attitude coming right up!"

Kisuke fiddled with his trio of dashboards, setting a dial up to grab the moodiest teenagers in the entire world. He also fiddled with a few more dials to make sure that these teens would be in the same location, preferably in the same school.

"Right then," Urahara said, slamming his hand on the big red button. "Opereshon sutato!"

"Why did you say it like that?" Yoruichi asked.

"It's in my contract! I'm required to shout in gratuitous Engrish every now and again."

Yoruichi just sighed. Reality was weird, and sometimes it was just best not to question it.

In the next instant, our young heroes-to-be Bambietta, Candice, Meninas, Giselle and Liltotto all appeared at the far end of the room where a teleporter just so happened to be hooked up. It was hell on the company electricity bill, but it looked really cool.

"Oh good, no turbulence this time," Urahara said. "Last time I used that thing I got half a person. That's not a lawsuit I care to remember or revisit!"

"Hey! What the hell?" Candice shouted. "Who are you people? Where are we?"

"My name is Kisuke Urahara," Urahara said approaching them with a grin. "And you five have been personally selected to be a superhero squadron!"

"Like hell!" Bambietta shouted. "Send us back right now! I have a date in ten minutes!"

"But New York is in danger. We need your help!"

"My date is in danger, you perverted looking old man!" Bambietta snapped, jabbing her index finger in his general direction.

"Hey!" Urahara exclaimed, offended. "I'm only in my twenties, thank you very much."

Yoruichi walked over to the girls and patted Urahara on the shoulder as she passed him by. "I'll handle this, Kisuke," she said.

"Who's the bitch with no taste in fashion?" Candice sneered.

"My name's not important to you right now, little lady," Yoruichi said. "What is important," she said holding up a small box of rings and extending them in the quintet's general direction, "is that you put on these rings and put them to good use."

"Why the hell should we do that?" Bambietta asked.

"Because if you don't you'll never make it to your date on time," Yoruichi said.

"Ooooh, you drive a hard bargain," Bambietta responded, "but now." She folded her arms and closed her eyes. "Send us back. We're not interested. Right girls?" The others nodded their heads. They all knew each other and they were all friends—because of course they were. Bambietta was the unofficial leader of her small dysfunctional group of friends so she tended to speak for them collectively. Does this sound like an overly convenient info dump to you? Well, f**k off!

"Oh well, that's a shame, because aside from the magic transformation rings," Yoruichi said. "You girls won't get all the donuts you can eat."

While the prospect of saving tens of thousands of lives, making a real difference, and being admired heroes had no appeal whatsoever to our five psychopaths-

"Hey! Shut the fuck up! None of us have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and claiming we're psychopaths is defamation! I'll fucking sue you, you piece of shit narrator!" Candice snapped.

-ahem, heroes, the notion of free sweets moved something at the core of their hearts. Man or woman, nobody can resist empty calories with a sugary taste, even from complete strangers trying to make shady business deals.

Liltotto started drooling. "Donuts…"

Bambietta opened one eye. "What kind of Donuts?"

"Filled. Creamy. Glazed. Whatever kind you want, as many as you want. We have a donut machine in the break room. Cost us a fortune, but totally worth it."

"Well then," Bambietta said with a devilish grin, "I believe we'll need to retract our earlier stance." Without a word, each girl grabbed a ring from the box and slipped them on. "So how the hell do these crackerjack prizes work?"

"Just say the color of the ring and what's inscribed on the band and presto! Instant transformation!"

Grinning at each other, each teen gave their new power a try, starting with Bambietta. "Red—"

"Wait!" Yoruichi declared. "You also have to strike a cool pose and do a whole transformation sequence."

"Why?" Bambietta asked.

"It's in the job description."

Bambietta sighed. "Ugh, fine." She extended her arm out in front of her. "Red Wyvern!" she shouted.

"Yellow Roc!" Candice cried out crossing her arm over her body, bringing her hand by her face and tipping down her baseball cap ever so slightly with the other hand.

"Blue Bear!" Liltotto declared tilting her wrist so that her hand pointed down.

"Pink Tiger!" Meninas exclaimed happily thrusting her arm that didn't have the ring on it high into the air, while holding the other hand close to her chin.

"Black Cobra," Giselle hissed, rubbing her hand devilishly under her chin with a sinister grin.

Instantly the clothes on each girl vaporized instantaneously and they were coated in light the same color as their rings as new clothes appeared on them. Each uniform consisted of a peaked cap with a color that matched the ring and had an insignia of the animal each girl's ring represented.

For Giselle her uniforms had a coat so bulky her wrists were hidden by the sleeves, with jeans and sneakers. Liltottos was similar, but she had a short sleeved t-shirt instead of the bulky coat. She also had a bangle on her right wrist. The color of the clothing matched both girls' respective rings. However, Bambietta, Candice and Meninas were sporting a cropped tube top, a pair of civvies, wrist length gloves and high heels. Everything except the gloves matched their rings. The gloves were white.

"What the fuck, asshole?" Candice shouted, grabbing Urahara by the lapels of his shirt.

"What's the matter? You look very fashionable," Urahara complimented.

"Fashionable, nothing! I look like a whore!" Candice raged. "Seriously? How is anyone expected to fight in high heels, you pervert?"

"Bambi-chan looks so amazing," Giselle cooed. "Aahh, I'm getting wet."

The author would like to clarify, for the record, that he does not think lesbianism an/or bisexuality is a bad thing, nor something that should generally be associated with delinquents, violence, or criminals.

"Pssht no need to be a PC sissyboy about it," Giselle scoffed. "What's the matter afraid of a little lawsuit? I can take care of that for you."

It's Fine! Thank you!

"Honestly it's not that bad," Meninas said, groping her bust.

"Can it, you soft-spoken sadist!" Candice continued to rage.

"Well it's not like you'll be doing much running, really," Yoruichi said. "You all can fly while transformed."

"Ooohh," Candice said, tilting her head back, "That totally makes up for everything! NO IT DOESN'T!" She pointed at her ring. "This ring is sexist! Change my outfit now, or I'll leave an angry blog post on tumblr, and then I'll call Anita Sarkeesian! She'll cause a bigger internet flame war than your shitty company can handle!"

"You don't look that bad, Candy-chan," Bambietta chuckled. "Besides, think of what the boys will say when they see us."

"They'll think we're starving for attention," Candice grumbled putting her hands in her pockets. "Although," her mind drifted towards one boy in particular. His name was Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. He was a college student and a badass biker and part of garage band. Even though he was abusive, had a history of drug dealing, assault, battery and suspected murder, and used guyliner. He also had amazing abs, and that was enough to convince Candice that secretly Grimmjow was a tortured soul who just needed the gentle touch of a woman with a great rack to bring out his inner good-but-not-too-good side. He probably just had a bad childhood, and that made it totally okay, and pretty much loveable. "I wonder if Grimmjow-senpai would like the new me."

"Hmmmmm, Candy-chan's embarrassed by her skimpy clothes one minute, and ready to use them the next," Giselle piped up. "Candy-chan is so inconsistent."

"What was that, you little bitch?" Candice growled, suddenly forming lightning in the palm of her hand. She then stared at the lightning, forgetting Giselle's comment. "Oh, hey check it out!"

"Each one of you has a unique power that will help you—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't need to drill it all home," Candice said. "I think we got it."

"Good!" Urahara shouted. "Cause from now on you're going to be called the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi. In English that's Magical Girl Rainbow Angels!"

"Sounds like the name to a really dumb anime," Liltotto said.

"Or a bad fanfiction," Giselle added. Everyone in the room looked at the narrator.

…What?

"Yeah, the name sucks," Candice said. "From now on we're called the Honey Badgers, because we don't give a fuck! All in favor?"

"Aye!" The others cheered.

"Uh, that's not—" Urahara protested, but was ignored.

"Take us out, fearless leader," Candice said, tipping her hat to Bambietta with a smirk.

"Honey Badgers! Away!"

WHOOSH!

CRASH!

All five girls burst through the ceiling in an instant and then flew out west.

"UH! Girls! New York's the other way!" Urahara shouted. "…oh whatever, I'm sure they heard me." He went back to his seat. "Go get the intern and get him to fix that huge hole in the ceiling."

"Why do I have to do it?" Yoruichi asked.

Urahara changed the channel as an episode of Doctor Who was in progress, with the Doctor showing off his flashy coat, and talking fast in a very British accent. "That's why."

"Ugh, you and your stupid Sci-fi show!"

"Don't you dare mock the oldest and greatest sci fi show of all time!"

Freaking nerds...


Beverly Hills, California

Upon arriving at their home town, each girl- predictably- immediately began abusing their power for their own benefit.

Candice started by slinging thunderbolts everywhere, zapping innocent bystanders just for the thrill of it. "Run, bitches RUN! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Candice laughed satanically, as people ran away in fear.

Giselle immediately started by summoning a chainsaw, and began chasing people through the city with it. She was followed by an armada of skeletons armed with swords and shields that she had just created out of thin air. "Wait! Don't run!" Giselle shouted at the people fleeing from her. "I promise it'll only hurt for a second!"

Bambietta created a pair of energy wings, and immediately began bombarding every Starbucks she could find with energy bomb blasts. "You're coffee is terrible and overpriced!" she shouted. As stated previously, Bambietta solved most of her problems with explosions. Meanwhile, a certain movie director was fapping furiously from afar.

Liltotto wandered into the nearest supermarket, stood in front of the candy aisle and opened her mouth. She then began to inhale bags and bags of food, swallowing everything wrapper and all. She then belched loudly. As she wiped her mouth, she said aloud, "Note to self, wrappers do not taste good." You'd think that'd be common sense, but this story tends to defy that when it's convenient.

In the ensuing chaos, Meninas ran through the streets, doing her best to try and help the endangered citizens.

She lifted the car off of a poor, helpless adult male. She then tossed the car up and away, which only wound up flying into the nearby national park, and smashing a young couple making out on a park bench.

…okay she was trying to help the endangered citizens.

Meninas ripped a high-rise corporate building out of its foundation and asked the people on the ground floor, "Excuse me, does anyone here need any assistance, or leaking any bodily fluids?" Meninas just got a wide eyed, stunned stare from everyone on the ground floor while she could hear screams from the upper floors of the building she was holding. She glanced up. "Oh, goodness me," she gasped and put the building down with a powerful SLAM!

…it's the thought that counts?


At a remote location

On a deserted island

As the quintet continued to terrorize Beverly Hills, Ikumi returned from her coffee break. "So, did you guys do what I asked?"

"Yup, all taken care of," Urahara said.

"And you're watching them, right?" Ikumi said.

"Yeeeup."

Ikumi waltzed around Urahara and when she saw he was watching Doctor Who, spun his chair around, punched him in the face and turned the news back on.

"You monster!" Urahara cried, feverishly attempting to get the remote back from a merciless Ikumi, "now I'll never know if he manages to defeat the aliens or not!"

"It gets hairy, the earth is almost destroyed, but at the last moment he finds a way to miraculously save the day while talking fast and Britishly."

Urahara gasped. "How DARE you spoil that plot for me!"

"That's every episode!" Yoruichi groaned.

"I don't care about your stupid show! What are our new heroes doing?"

"The giant monster continues its unimpeded rampage through New York City. At this rate, the entirety of the city could be destroyed," the monotone reporter reported. "Back to you, Will."

"Thank you, Karen," said Faux News host Will O'Raily. "Now clearly, this is a terrible situation. But what is Obama doing about it? I'll tell you what- this kaiju was probably immigrated illegaly because it heard about his socialist welfare, and wanted to mooch off of our system! Thanks, Obama!"

Ikumi was furious.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Urahara exclaimed, waving his arms back and forth. "We did get five teenagers with attitude! Honest!"

"Where. Are. They?" Ikumi demanded to know.

Urahara pressed a few buttons on his dashboard. "Right! Found them!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!"

The members of the Unagiya Corporation were treated to multiple angle spy camera footage of civilians running screaming from Bambietta and the others.

"Wait!" Giselle cried entering the background only to disappear just as soon carrying a giant pair of hedge clippers. "I just want your fingers! Honest!"

Bambietta and Candice were in the foreground. Candice was shooting things with her lightning out of sight, while Bambietta was raining down her energy bombs into the background with her back to the spy cameras.

Meninas appeared inches in front of the camera, and looked puzzlingly right into it, hunched over given the camera was aimed up from a low altitude. She then stood up straight, and smacked the camera with her boobs so hard it went sailing into the sky, and disintegrated when it entered the vaccum of space.

"You two are idiots! I said to get five teenagers with attitude! What have you done?"

"They are five teenagers with attitude," Urahara told Unagiya. "I said you would've been better off with model, upstanding citizens."

"Those aren't five teenagers with attitude! Those are monsters!"

"Now that's just insulting!" Yoruichi exclaimed. "I know plenty of monsters, and only two of them are moody teenage girls."

"You're missing the point!" Unagiya shouted. "Did you even tell them they had a mission?" Yoruichi and Urahara exchanged uncomfortable glances. "Ugh!" Unagiya slapped her forehead. "Look, I'm going back home for a bit to pick up my son from school and drop him off at home with our nanny. When I get back, I expect results! If that monster isn't dead or at least being fought you two will be paying to work for me. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal!" Yoruichi and Urahara shouted in unison.


One Hour Later…

Beverly Hills

Bored of their reign of terror, Bambietta, Candice, Liltotto, Meninas, and Giselle were loafing around a children's playground. Liltotto was devouring one in the first of a stack of hamburgers so tall it was a wonder where she put it all since she wasn't—and never—gained weight or filled out. Bambietta was watching fiddling with the remote to a portable TV she had stolen from Walmart.

Giselle was sitting around, still doing her best to clean the blood off her uniform, until a familiar, giant tarantula crawled onto her head. "Oh, there you are, Mitzy!" The tarantula purred.

"Say, girls," Meninas said as she stood up in front of her friends, "wasn't there something we were supposed to do with our powers?"

As she said this, Bambietta finally got the TV to work and it was a news station. "In other news, the giant monster attacking New York is leaving New York and is headed for Philadelphia."

As Candice lay bored out of her skull with her back against a slab of concrete, she tilted her neck up to look at the others and said nonchalantly, "Hey, anyone wanna go fight a giant monster?"

"Sure!"
"Eh."
"I don't see why not."
"That will be fun!" Meninas exclaimed, Bambietta shrugged, Liltotto agreed and Giselle declared.

"Cool beans," Candice said as she stood up and dusted off her ankles. "Honey Badgers, away!" Candice flew off into the air.

"Hey!" Bambietta shouted. "I thought that was my catchphrase!"


New York City

As the giant reptile bear continued to push over buildings and burn cars, he was suddenly struck with a multitude of explosions to his back. But, of course, being a Kaiju this did little more than get his attention. He turned around to see the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi behind him all grouped together with faces of varying degrees of sadism.

"Hey you abomination against nature!" Candice shouted. "My eyes are up here!"

The kaiju, unbeknownst to the girls, was actually gay, and not the slightest bit interested. He did give them a wicked, red-eyed, and incredibly sassy glare, though.

"All right girls, who votes we teach this sack of shit how we do things back in Beverly Hills?" Candice asked.

"Aye~!"

Bambietta was the first to attack. She folded her wings over her body and then unfolded them, letting out hundreds if not thousands of tiny explosive blasts, only half of which actually hit her target. The rest slammed into cars, trucks, the street and other automobiles and even a few bystanders that happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Still, the damage was enough that it gave the kaiju lots of puncture wounds and knocked it to the ground on its stomach.

"Bambi-chan! You're supposed to call out your attack when you use it!" Liltotto exclaimed as the kaiju began to get back up.

"What? Why? That's stupid! That's just giving the enemy a chance to react! That's dumber than just standing around and waiting for your enemy to power up while he screams like a maniac!"

"I read somewhere that if you call out your attack, it's like ten to a thousand times stronger or something like that," Liltotto said.

"Really? Okay let me try again," Bambietta said and did the same motion as before just as the kaiju was rearing up to attack her. "Red Wyvern Barrage!"

This time, the blasts increased by the size of a shopping cart, and the explosions were that much more intense. The kaiju was sent tumbling to the ground.

"Ooooh, nice!" Candice admired. "Let me try that." She wound up her arm with a beach ball sized ball of lightning in her hand. "Pitcher's Thunderbolt!" She zapped the giant kaiju with her attack just as it was getting back up, electrifying its entire body and sending it to the ground again.

"Agh! Candice! You have to start all of your attacks with Yellow Roc, otherwise it doesn't work," Liltotto told her.

"What? That's stupid! Where did you hear that?"

Liltotto held up a small booklet that said Beginner's Guide to Being a Magical Girl Rainbow Angel. "I read the manual on the flight over here."

"Pssht, no one ever reads the manuals," Giselle scoffed.

"I didn't even know we had a manual," Bambietta said dryly.

"There's always a manual!" Liltotto said. "Nobody would be dumb enough to send five teenagers on a dangerous mission without any sort of instructions… right?"

A rather telling wind blew through the awkward silence and a million magical girls screamed out in agony as they banged their heads against the wall and were suddenly silenced.

Or that could've just been the hundreds of people currently being roasted alive by the reptile bear kaiju.

"Oh, right, he's still alive, isn't he?" Candice asked rhetorically. She flew around in front of him. "Hey, buddy!" she exclaimed. "You can't just go around eating people when we're having a conversation. That's against the rules!"

The kaiju breathed its hot fire breath in Candice's face. Normally this would result in reducing his target to a skeleton, but being a magical girl—and a protagonist—left Candice with little more than a few ash marks and mild annoyance.

"MY HAIR!"

Oh, and a bad hair day.

"My gorgeous, voluminous, perfect blonde hair! You scorched it, you fucking asshole! Oh, I am so going to make you hurt!" Slapping her hand down, Candice declared, "Yellow Roc Divine Lightning!"

A damning thunder clap shattered the sound barrier as it blasted the kaiju with so much electricity it could've powered an entire city in Arkansas. Quite a waste, really.

"Bite me," Candice said to the narrator with a glazed look.

As the kaiju got up, it started to cry.

"You girls are so mean!"

"Awww, he's crying," Meninas said, flying over to the giant reptile bear. She patted it on the shoulder, but her immense strength caused her to push the giant monster forward with every tap. "There, there," she said. "It's okay."

"No it's not!" the monster sobbed. "I have a homework assignment from kaiju school. I have to destroy a city. It's like a coming of age ceremony. If I don't pass it, I'll never become a full-fledged kaiju."

"Tell it to someone who cares," Candice declared and zapped the creature with another Yellow Roc Divine Lightning.

This, however, only served to piss the creature off as it grew in size and swatted Candice out of the air.

"Candice!" Meninas exclaimed. She puffed up her cheeks in anger. "Bad monster!" she declared and punched it in the face, sending it flying through several buildings where upon its arms knocked over two more buildings each, and its tail three more as it made to get up.

As Candice got up and out of the building she roared at the monster, "Okay, that's it! No more Mrs Nice Guy! Not that I'm a Mister! Or nice! Or a guy! But you get the fuckin' point! You're going down, asshole!"

"Better leave this one to me, Candy-chan!" Bambietta said as she appeared in front of Candice, piloting a humongous mecha, tall as a skyscraper, blue, and looking like a dangerous gypsy.

"Where the hell did you get a giant robot?" Candice exclaimed.

"From out of my cleavage," Bambietta answered.

"YOU'RE WEARING A CROPPED SHIRT!"

"Silly Candy-chan," Giselle said, "Everybody knows a woman's cleavage is an unlimited hyper dimension that almost anything can be pulled out of." She reached into her coat and pulled out her tarantula Mitzy. "See? It's bigger on the inside!"

"That is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard. You don't even have breasts, you underdeveloped psychopath."

"Maybe not," Giselle said as she put Mitzy on her head. "But it's enough to admire Bambi-chan's voluptuous body." She drooled a little.

"Girl, see a therapist," Candice said.

"That's it! Blowing it up!" Bambietta shouted. She couldn't take much more of this. She ejected from her mecha, and it morphed into a giant gun so ridiculously large and overly large and complicated that even the biggest ammosexual NRA member would have thought of it as big enough to compensate for his absurdly small penis. How she was able to hold a gun the size of a skyscraper was anybody's guess- gravity was probably on vacation. Or just staying away out of common sense. "Bombs Away!" Pulling the strangely normal sized trigger for such a large hand cannon, a plethora of rockets, missiles, and explosive cannonballs went sailing towards the Kaiju that, this time, had been politely letting the girls talk things out- it would just be rude to attack mid conversation, and he was a nice kaiju whose mother had taught him the virtues of politeness-and she blasted it into oblivion. Somehow, though, that didn't stop him from eating innocent civilians earlier. …his mother died when he was six. Don't judge him!

Bambietta's weapon also blew up several dozen buildings from the explosion, but it's not like she and the others were paying for property damage.

"Victory!" Bambietta exclaimed thrusting one hand into the air as she dropped her giant cannon, which, due to gravity suddenly returning, slammed onto the street and crushed two dozen pedestrians, but nobody cared because people without a name were about as interesting and important as saltine crackers.

All the girls gathered together and thrust their hands up into the air, wrists touching. "Go Honey Badgers!" they shouted together.


At a remote location

On a deserted island

"See?" Urahara said to Unagiya. "They got the job done."

"They destroyed half of New York!"

"Can't argue with results!"

"They destroyed half of New York!"

"But they killed the giant monster!" Urahara pointed out.

"They caused billions in damages! They killed more people than the kaiju, and..." Ikumi shrieked, on the verge of a mental breakdown of pure rage.

"Are you sure they aren't just charming mavericks who know how to break the rules to get the job done that needs doing?" Urahara said deviously.

"Yes!"

With a flick of his thumb, Urahara turned on Faux News.

"And here you can see," Will O'Raily said, "how these five heroic girls saved New York from the socialist immigrant monster that tried to took our freedom, steal our jobs, and trample on the American way! God bless America!"

Urahara smirked triumphantly.

Ikumi's rage pent up and she shouted as loudly as she could and actually began having a mental breakdown. Yoruichi got out her Iphone and began playing Combine Harvester by The Wurzels. She then began filming her boss' breakdown. "This is going to look great on YouTube."

And so the day was saved thanks to

The Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi!

"Honey Badgers!" The girls all shouted in unison in victory.

END


(A/N: I really don't know what I was thinking with this. I just hoped you guys laughed. Anyway, I only had an idea for this to be a pilot—and about two more chapters—unless you guys really want to see more. Just know that to keep myself from forgoing this thing for other projects, I have to keep each chapter self-contained. Special thanks to my pals The Real Brick, Vogoshinki, and GreatKingRat88 for helping me breathe life into this ridiculous idea, especially to GKR for betaing this insane idea. Please leave in your review if you think I should do more. Ja ne!)