Author Note: Normally I don't like crack fics, which this may or may not qualify. My sister was watching Open Season and it was at the part where Elliot sings. The song took on a whole new meaning after reading Artemis Fowl. I just had to write this. It took me about 15 minutes but the song is just so awesome. Ya, I know it's stupid.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Artemis Fowl or Open Season. I do own Miriam Diggums. You can have her if you want. She smells funny, and she won't shut up.
Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/ He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee/ One day the elf could take no more/ so he went to bang on the rude dwarf's door/ and what do you know, they suddenly both were marrrrried.
Grubb Kelp was fed up. He had gotten a place at the Rainbow Tree because the neighbors were supposed to be nice. His upstairs neighbor wasn't nice. She was a dwarf. An especially flatulent dwarf. Grubb had no idea that female dwarves were as flatulent as their male counterparts. Or maybe it was just because it was Miriam Diggums, Mulch Diggums' sister. Miriam was not only flatulent enough to make her brother proud, she was constantly going up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. There was, of course, no bathroom upstairs. So, up and down and up and down. Finally Grubb had had enough. He went upstairs and knocked on Miriam's door. Miriam opened the door and grinned.
"Hi! Can you do me a favor?"
Grubb nodded, unsure if that was a good idea.
"I want to pull a prank on my older brother. I'm gonna tell him I married you when he comes to visit. You just play along."
Grubb sighed, but did as he was told. Two days later he got a call from his brother, Commander Trouble Kelp.
"Grubb? Holly told me Mulch told her you married Mulch's sister."
Grubb grinned. "Gee Troub. I didn't think you liked gossiping."
"Is it true?"
Grubb laughed. "Yep."
On the other end of the line he heard a thump as Trouble fainted. Grubb frowned. He should probably go check on Trouble, and tell him the truth. That wouldn't be pretty. On the plus side, Miriam had moved out. Mulch was worried about her, and had made her move in with him until she stopped being "delusional" (she confessed it was a joke). But for now, no more flatulent dwarves. Grubb smiled, he didn't even have to file a complaint.
Author Note Part 2: Review. It makes me feel special. Even if you say it sucks. I kinda already know that… I just like seeing that people are reading my crappy stuff.
