The Mission..Quest..Thing
Setting: Bilbo is on his death bed in Rivendell..I guess he somehow contacted Sam, Frodo, and Pippin who are in the Shire, and Frodo who is in Valinor. Don't ask me how ^^;..I guess news just gets around fast in Middle Earth, lol.
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Bilbo, old and decrepit as he was at the time, was indeed at the end of his days. He was infected with various nasssty diseases (only Valor knows what…but they were all from old age, ya know) and was about to die any day now. Bilbo wanted to see his four young hobbit friends, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo, just one last time before he was to sleep the long sleep (DIIIEEEE!! *hiss*). He requested that each of them come see him in Rivendell. Soon the four hobbits met up with each other and went to the place where Bilbo lay.
"Bilbo!" wailed Frodo through tears, "What's happened to you??"
"I'm old and decrepit, and dying from old age, you fool! Isn't it obvious?"
"What does decrepit mean?" Pippin asked in wonder, "Oooh!! I bet it means they like crêpes…mmmm, crêpes! How I love them…Hey Merry, wanna go get some crêpes?"
"Er, Pippin? This isn't exactly the time to be thinking of your stomach over someone's life."
"Humph, well Bilbo's thinking about HIS life over MY stomach, so there." Pippin stuck out his tongue at Merry, who responded by tweaking him on the nose.
"Owie! That hurt, Mer! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"
"But Pip...you ARE my size. Remember? We're two of the tallest hobbits."
"Oh…oh yeah. Never mind then! Pick on me all you want." Pippin grinned a blank, idiotic grin.
"Enough, you two!" said Bilbo angrily, "Can't you two see that I'm dying? And I-"
"Oh Bilbo!!!!" Frodo leapt onto his uncle's bed and hugged his uncle around the neck, causing Bilbo to end his sentence suddenly. "I can't let you receive this kind of abuse. Sam! Go deal with them, will you?"
"Gladly, Mr. Frodo." Sam cracked his knuckles, and looked surprisingly dangerous, yet lustful…and sorta, er, hungry too.
"Ahhhhhhh!!" Pippin screamed as he leapt into Merry's arms.
"J-just calm down, Sammy! We can talk this over, c-can't we?" Merry asked timidly, "That's a nice oaf…I mean, hobbit. Ehehehe…"
"You two would go real nice with some herbs and conies…I can cook you up GOOD!!" Sam drew closer and closer to the two frightened hobbits, who just stood there like a couple of really dim-witted, frightened hobbits.
"Ahhhhhhh!! He's a cannibal!! Run!" Pippin squirmed out of Merry's arms and tried to escape, but clumsy as he was, he tripped in the process.
"STOP!" Bilbo exclaimed, and everyone paused what they were doing. "There will be no more cannibalism and rough-housing in the presence of this elderly, decaying hobbit!"
"OH BILBO!!!!" Frodo smothered his face into Bilbo's pillow and began sobbing even more.
"Sam's elderly and decaying?" Pippin asked in wonder. "He looks fine to me…"
"Yeah, except that he's too fat and-" Merry ended abruptly when he noticed Sam looking at him with a foreboding glance.
"No, me! Stupid git…Well, I think I should probably mention the reason I brought you all here. As I'm dying and figured you'd all be overcome with enough stupidity…I mean, sadness to do something for me, I ask that you go on a quest to find a certain…thing."
"Hooray! A mission…quest…thing!" Pippin cried excitedly, "And one that you don't need people of intelligence for either!"
"OH BIL-"
"Quiet Frodo, you-(Merry was stopped by Sam's glare yet again) sweet little hobbit, you…So, Bilbo, what might we be searching for on our quest, eh?"
"Well, young lad, this something I want is, er, something to give me a bit of pleasure before I go on to my next life."
"Ooooooh, some mushrooms perhaps?" asked Pippin vacantly.
"Maybe he wants some Ale…or money!" Merry began rubbing his hands together in a greedy sort of way.
"He wants a dildo," said Sam, sternly and knowingly.
"Yes, that's the one, Samwise my lad," replied Bilbo, looking rather embarrassed.
"Hey, that rhymes with Bilbo! How neat!" exclaimed Pippin excitedly. "But…what IS a dildo?" Pippin had a strong look of bewilderment on his face.
"Well, Pippin, er…" Merry began to explain to Pippin, "it's like your little 'friend' you've got there, only it's fake."
"My friend...? You mean it's like Frodo?"
"No! Not him! I mean the one in your pants."
"OH! THAT friend. But why would Bilbo want a fake one? Why not just get someone to-"
"Do you REALLY think anyone in their right mind would wanna stick their 'friend' into Bilbo? I didn't think so…that's why he needs a fake one, you see?"
"Yah yah, I think I get it. But I think Frodo would be willing to-"
"PLEASE lads!!" exclaimed Bilbo impatiently, "Just get me the damn dildo already! I'm going to die any second now, and I don't want to before I've had my fair share of contentment."
"OH BIL- (Frodo abruptly stopped crying and snapped back to normal mode) we'll go right away! Come on guys, let's get going!" Frodo leapt off Bilbo's bed and walked out the door, followed by the rest of the hobbits. "You can count on us!" he said cheerfully on the way out.
"I sure hope so…" said Bilbo.
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The next chapter is on the way…just hold your hobbits until then!
Setting: Bilbo is on his death bed in Rivendell..I guess he somehow contacted Sam, Frodo, and Pippin who are in the Shire, and Frodo who is in Valinor. Don't ask me how ^^;..I guess news just gets around fast in Middle Earth, lol.
==========
Bilbo, old and decrepit as he was at the time, was indeed at the end of his days. He was infected with various nasssty diseases (only Valor knows what…but they were all from old age, ya know) and was about to die any day now. Bilbo wanted to see his four young hobbit friends, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo, just one last time before he was to sleep the long sleep (DIIIEEEE!! *hiss*). He requested that each of them come see him in Rivendell. Soon the four hobbits met up with each other and went to the place where Bilbo lay.
"Bilbo!" wailed Frodo through tears, "What's happened to you??"
"I'm old and decrepit, and dying from old age, you fool! Isn't it obvious?"
"What does decrepit mean?" Pippin asked in wonder, "Oooh!! I bet it means they like crêpes…mmmm, crêpes! How I love them…Hey Merry, wanna go get some crêpes?"
"Er, Pippin? This isn't exactly the time to be thinking of your stomach over someone's life."
"Humph, well Bilbo's thinking about HIS life over MY stomach, so there." Pippin stuck out his tongue at Merry, who responded by tweaking him on the nose.
"Owie! That hurt, Mer! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"
"But Pip...you ARE my size. Remember? We're two of the tallest hobbits."
"Oh…oh yeah. Never mind then! Pick on me all you want." Pippin grinned a blank, idiotic grin.
"Enough, you two!" said Bilbo angrily, "Can't you two see that I'm dying? And I-"
"Oh Bilbo!!!!" Frodo leapt onto his uncle's bed and hugged his uncle around the neck, causing Bilbo to end his sentence suddenly. "I can't let you receive this kind of abuse. Sam! Go deal with them, will you?"
"Gladly, Mr. Frodo." Sam cracked his knuckles, and looked surprisingly dangerous, yet lustful…and sorta, er, hungry too.
"Ahhhhhhh!!" Pippin screamed as he leapt into Merry's arms.
"J-just calm down, Sammy! We can talk this over, c-can't we?" Merry asked timidly, "That's a nice oaf…I mean, hobbit. Ehehehe…"
"You two would go real nice with some herbs and conies…I can cook you up GOOD!!" Sam drew closer and closer to the two frightened hobbits, who just stood there like a couple of really dim-witted, frightened hobbits.
"Ahhhhhhh!! He's a cannibal!! Run!" Pippin squirmed out of Merry's arms and tried to escape, but clumsy as he was, he tripped in the process.
"STOP!" Bilbo exclaimed, and everyone paused what they were doing. "There will be no more cannibalism and rough-housing in the presence of this elderly, decaying hobbit!"
"OH BILBO!!!!" Frodo smothered his face into Bilbo's pillow and began sobbing even more.
"Sam's elderly and decaying?" Pippin asked in wonder. "He looks fine to me…"
"Yeah, except that he's too fat and-" Merry ended abruptly when he noticed Sam looking at him with a foreboding glance.
"No, me! Stupid git…Well, I think I should probably mention the reason I brought you all here. As I'm dying and figured you'd all be overcome with enough stupidity…I mean, sadness to do something for me, I ask that you go on a quest to find a certain…thing."
"Hooray! A mission…quest…thing!" Pippin cried excitedly, "And one that you don't need people of intelligence for either!"
"OH BIL-"
"Quiet Frodo, you-(Merry was stopped by Sam's glare yet again) sweet little hobbit, you…So, Bilbo, what might we be searching for on our quest, eh?"
"Well, young lad, this something I want is, er, something to give me a bit of pleasure before I go on to my next life."
"Ooooooh, some mushrooms perhaps?" asked Pippin vacantly.
"Maybe he wants some Ale…or money!" Merry began rubbing his hands together in a greedy sort of way.
"He wants a dildo," said Sam, sternly and knowingly.
"Yes, that's the one, Samwise my lad," replied Bilbo, looking rather embarrassed.
"Hey, that rhymes with Bilbo! How neat!" exclaimed Pippin excitedly. "But…what IS a dildo?" Pippin had a strong look of bewilderment on his face.
"Well, Pippin, er…" Merry began to explain to Pippin, "it's like your little 'friend' you've got there, only it's fake."
"My friend...? You mean it's like Frodo?"
"No! Not him! I mean the one in your pants."
"OH! THAT friend. But why would Bilbo want a fake one? Why not just get someone to-"
"Do you REALLY think anyone in their right mind would wanna stick their 'friend' into Bilbo? I didn't think so…that's why he needs a fake one, you see?"
"Yah yah, I think I get it. But I think Frodo would be willing to-"
"PLEASE lads!!" exclaimed Bilbo impatiently, "Just get me the damn dildo already! I'm going to die any second now, and I don't want to before I've had my fair share of contentment."
"OH BIL- (Frodo abruptly stopped crying and snapped back to normal mode) we'll go right away! Come on guys, let's get going!" Frodo leapt off Bilbo's bed and walked out the door, followed by the rest of the hobbits. "You can count on us!" he said cheerfully on the way out.
"I sure hope so…" said Bilbo.
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The next chapter is on the way…just hold your hobbits until then!
