01: I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl
There's a sign on the door made out of pieces of red and green construction paper taped together with holiday-themed duct tape that reads: I'm dreaming of a white Christmas…but if white runs out I'll drink the red! Above it are the RA-designed nameplates that each dorm on campus gets, six of them with the name and their hometown's seal. Finnick…Peeta…Thresh…Cato…Marvel…and the door opens before I can read the last one.
The boy standing in the doorway takes up the entire thing. I can't even see inside to the party, although I can hear it. The door guard crosses his arms and keeps his face in a straight-line as he eyes us. "Who do you know here?" he asks.
Annie steps forward. "I'm on the swim team with Finnick."
He nods, a small flash of recognition on his face and then looks at the rest of us – probably to make sure that Annie didn't bring an army of people with her. He nods. "I'm Thresh. I'm the sober contact tonight so if you run into any problems, let me know."
Johanna pats his arm. His muscles are so large I wouldn't be able to fit both my hands around them. "Alright, hot stuff." She turns to us. "Come on, girls! Let's go."
There's barely enough room to stand without bumping into a sweaty body – and then when you try to untouch that sweaty body you catapult yourself into the sweaty body of the person to the other side. It's not like I'm not sweating either just by walking in. It's December and the second to last weekend before finals so it's a nippy two degrees above freezing during the day. It's ten now, so I can only imagine how much colder it is outside. There must be a seventy-degree difference between the inside of the Townhouse and the outside weather. I tug at the sleeves of my coat.
"Give me your coat," Johanna shouts, hers already off and showcasing her outfit. It's a black crop top and a skintight red skirt she covered in bows from CVS.
I take off my jacket and hand it to her, watching as she and Madge hide our coats under the couch. Once they're back up from the ground, I look around the crowded room.
Why am I here?
It's not that I don't know why I'm here. It all started last Saturday, when Annie came back from her swim meet. The three of us were watching Elf to avoid starting our homework when Annie came barreling in the door.
"I got us invited to Finnick's annual Christmas bash!" she squealed.
Johanna and Madge got all excited and I let them bask in the news. I figured that I would be able to get away with not going by saying I had to stay in and finish a paper. I never go to parties with them; they're not really my thing. I'd much rather have the time alone, pop in a movie, surf the web, just relax, and wait for the three of them to come stumbling in later that night, already on the phone with the local Chinese place to put in their usual order.
"Kat, will you come, please? It's the last weekend of the semester. You won't have homework. Please?" Annie begged. That got Johanna and Madge all bent on the idea and they guilt-tripped me into it, saying they always missed me and we haven't gone out all four of us all semester.
And that's how I got here, in this sweaty hotbox, looking for the nearest exit in the event that the whole place goes up in flames.
Everyone and their brother wants to live in the Townhouses when they're seniors. It's the most popular senior housing. The seventy-six units are separated into four units per row, each with three bedrooms to accommodate six people. They are smack dab in the center of all the housing and the nucleus of partying on campus. I've never really seen the appeal to be honest. The Townies, as they're called, are known to be the most disgusting housing on campus, and given what I'm seeing now I'm not the least bit surprised, but apparently it's tradition to have one. Johanna is already trying to find two more girls to add to our four so we can enter into the lottery for one next year.
I want to get out of here.
Johanna hands me a solo cup. "Drink this, you'll be less miserable." I give her a look. "Look, you're not going to have fun here if you're sober and neither am I because I'm going to be watching you scowl. Get drunk for once in your life, brainless. It's not going to hurt you."
My scowl just sets even further on my face and, when I open my mouth to retaliate, she rolls her eyes. "Trust me," she says, grabbing the cup and taking a sip herself. "You don't even need to get drunk, just tipsy enough so you don't ruin Annie's night."
Johanna points to Annie a few groups of people away in the kitchen. She's standing with Finnick, her hands around her own solo cup, her eyes staring up at him as if he's Zeus or Hercules or something. Annie's had the biggest crush on Finnick since our freshman year and he hasn't even noticed her. But this is her first time getting invited to one of his non-swim parties. I doubt anything will come of it, but we'll let Annie dream.
Turning back to my own cup, I take a gulp and almost spit it back out. "What is that?" I moan.
"Hawaiian Punch, orange juice, mostly vodka." She tugs my hand. "Finish that and we'll go get peppermint schnapps poured in our mouths."
I finish the cup and follow Johanna to the area of the Townie where they're pouring the alcohol in people's mouths. Madge is already there, her mouth open as a dark haired girl pours the chocolate sauce and then peppermint schnapps in her mouth. She swallows and then skips to us. She's already feeling the alcohol a little bit. She, Annie, and Johanna pregamed with the little bit of cheap vodka we had left. I abstained, which is why Johanna's dead set on getting me to drink here.
After the peppermint schnapps and a few sips from Madge's solo cup, I feel light as air. It's a nice feeling. I reach for Madge's solo cup again and Johanna grabs my wrist.
"Hold up. You're done."
"Why?" I ask. "I want more."
Johanna and Madge both laugh, Madge reaching forward to wrap her arms around my shoulders. I don't normally like hugs all that much, but I hug Madge right back. When we let go, Madge's cup is gone and Johanna has finished the last of it off, setting it on the side table beside her.
"I want to play beer pong," Johanna announces, pointing toward the other end of the Townie to where they have a table set up. "Who wants to be my partner?"
I don't like beer. I remember that in my haze. Madge and Johanna head over to the table and I know I should probably follow them, but I don't like beer. And I'm feeling a little dizzy. I walk toward the side of the Townie, pushing through sweaty people and lean against the wall, looking around for my friends. I don't know where they went.
"Hi!"
I look away from a girl who looks like Annie but isn't Annie to the boy beside me. He's very pretty. He has blond curly hair that falls over his forehead in waves and bright blue eyes. The whites of his eyes are red, making them look even bluer with the contrast. The ugliest Christmas sweater I've ever seen currently covers his broad shoulders.
"Aren't you hot?" I ask.
"I don't know, am I?" he jokes. I'm about to nod my head yes when he shakes his. "Just kidding. I'm Peeta!"
He's yelling so I can hear him over the music so I yell too. "Katniss!"
"Hello, Katniss," he says. He smiles. It lights up his whole face. Or maybe that's the Christmas lights on the Christmas tree they have in one corner of the Townie. "So what brings you here?"
I try to find Annie, but I can't find her. "My friend swims."
"Ah," he says, nodding his head. "You know Finn. Great guy."
I don't really know Finnick, just from what Annie has said in the past, and I open my mouth to tell that to Peeta, but the Christmas tree lights flicker in a new pattern and I look over there instead. I push away from the wall and wobble a little in the stupid heels Johanna forced me into.
"Whoa." Peeta reaches out and grabs my hand to steady me. He has really big hands. "How you doing?"
I give him a thumbs up and kick Madge's heels off my feet. "I can't walk in these!"
"I wouldn't be able to either," he says. "But you're not gonna wanna walk around here barefoot. My feet are too big for you, but I could give you a pair of slippers to wear anyway."
Peeta leaves me. All my friends keep leaving me. Am I really not that fun? I should drink more. Johanna told me once that it makes people more fun. I don't know where to find a solo cup so instead I join the line for more peppermint schnapps. I wonder how many bottles they bought. It's like a never-ending cycle.
"Katniss!"
I turn and see Peeta walking back to me with a pair of slippers in his hands. He drops them to the floor and I put my bare feet into them. It feels much better than carpet. I thank him and he takes my hand, pulling me away from the line. I let him. He must live here. I ask him that.
"Yeah, I'm Finnick's roommate," he says, pulling me to the couch and sitting down. I sit down next to him. "I like your outfit."
I look down. Johanna wanted to put me in a black bandeau and a red bodycon skirt. I refused. Annie dressed me in her green skirt and a red tank top and put a belt around my waist with a bow on the clasp so I would look like a present. I'm glad I let Annie dress me now because Peeta likes it.
We're still holding hands. I've never held hands with a boy before. I think I like it.
"Thanks," I say.
He grins. "How do you like the party?"
Now that I'm in this little pocket of the world with Peeta it's not so bad. But when I turn back to all the people dancing and yelling and the music playing so loudly I shake my head. I can't find my friends. What if they left me here? But Johanna wouldn't leave me. Neither would Madge or Annie. They're around here somewhere. Peeta will hang out with me until they come back.
I put my hands over my ears. "It's really loud."
"Do you want to go outside for a minute?" I nod my head. Peeta stands up and guides me toward the back door. I've never been in the backyard of a Townie. They have a patio and a picnic table with a grill. I knew about the grill. Johanna wants to live here so we can grill and tailgate before football games in the fall next year. When Peeta shuts the door behind us, I can still hear the music through the thin walls of the Townie. Peeta sits down on the table and I climb up next to him.
"Is it this loud all the time?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Just the weekends." He smirks. "Not a partier?"
I shake my head. "I got dragged here."
A gust of wind blows through and I shiver. It's kind of chilly outside. Peeta swears under his breath. "I should have brought a coat for you."
I can't remember where I put my coat.
"Do you want to go back in?" I look back at the house and swear I see the walls shaking. I shake my head. Peeta reaches for me. "Let me keep you warm then."
Peeta pulls me toward him and wraps his arms around me. He's so warm! I press my face into his neck to hide from the wind.
I'm in his lap. How I got there I'm not exactly sure. I'm curled up tightly against his chest, his arm around my legs to keep them warm and his other around my back to keep me in place. I look up to see if his eyes are just as pretty a blue up close but it's dark outside and I can't see. He looks at me too.
Peeta is looking at my lips.
"You're really pretty, Katniss," he says, leaning down so his nose can brush against mine. I feel even warmer. "Can I kiss you?"
I've never kissed anyone. I nod.
I don't know what I'm doing so I let Peeta come to me. He slowly comes toward me and presses his lips to mine. He tastes like beer and I don't like beer but I like the feeling. His lips are soft and I try to copy the way they move. Our noses bump each other and Peeta takes my head in his hands, tilting it slightly. We continue kissing until we need to breathe. We separate for a quick second, enough time for me to gulp a few breaths in, before Peeta dives back in.
This kiss is different. I think I'm getting used to what I'm supposed to do now and instead of letting my hands stay at my side, I lift them. But where do I put them? I settle for his shoulders. My nose presses into his cheek and he adjusts my head for me.
I'm in a daze when we finally take a break. My heart beats quickly, echoing in my ears, and even though I feel warm, my fingers are numbing up. As much as I don't want to go back inside, we probably should. Peeta looks like he's coming to the same conclusions as I am.
He takes my hand and leads me back into the Townie, but after being outside it's twice as loud as it was before. I press my face into Peeta's chest. I just want to go home.
I must say that out loud because I can feel Peeta nod. "Let's go find your friends."
There are not many places my friends can go, but with the amount of people still here crowding the bottom floor of the Townie, it takes forever to get from one side to the other. Finally we make it to the kitchen and I see Annie and Finnick talking to Madge and Johanna, who aren't facing me. Annie looks over them and she suddenly goes from not looking happy to looking very happy.
"Katniss!" she squeals. "There you are!"
Madge rushes forward and takes me in her arms and it's awkward because I'm still holding Peeta's hand and my arms stretches uncomfortably. Johanna snickers, but I'm not sure why.
"See, she was safe the whole time," I hear Finnick say.
"Don't disappear on us again, please," Madge says, pulling back and looking toward Johanna and Annie. "Ready to go, girls?"
Johanna walks away to grab our coats from under the couch and I feel Peeta squeeze my hand. I turn back to him and give him a hug. He hugs me back and even kisses the top of my head. When Johanna gets back she helps me put my coat on and I have to let go of Peeta's hand. We say goodbye to Finnick and Peeta and then leave to head to our own dorm.
Johanna throws her arm over my shoulder as we walk. "You better remember this tomorrow, brainless," she says.
…
When I wake up, I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I roll over and look at the clock on my alarm. It's already passed noon and I never sleep this long. I can hear voices in the common room and when I look over to Madge's bed it's empty. They all must be awake already. I sit up, blinking a few times, and notice a cup of water and a bottle of painkillers on my desk next to my bed. I gulp all the water down and toss back two of the pills before stumbling out of bed and into the common room.
"Well, look who decided to grace us with her presence this morning," Johanna says.
I shoot her the best scowl I can come up with and then collapse into the pink butterfly chair Madge has brought to all of the dorms we've lived in. Johanna, well, all three of them actually are staring at me like vultures. I bring my fingers to my nose bridge and squeeze.
"How do you feel?" Madge asks. "You passed out when we got back. Your sesame chicken is in the fridge."
Annie stares at Johanna pointedly. "Well, most of it."
I think back and remember brief moments of Johanna practically pulling me into the dorm, tossing me on the couch, and basically telling me I needed to eat something to soak up alcohol in my stomach. I remember crossing my arms over my chest, shaking my head, and pouting like a toddler. And then when Annie asked, less abrasive than Johanna, if I wanted the same thing she was getting, I agreed wholeheartedly. I must have passed out before it got here.
Johanna shrugs. "I'll pay her back," she says, turning from Annie to me. "Spill it, Katniss. I want to hear about Blondie."
What? "Blondie?"
"I know you remember. You weren't drunk enough to black out!" Johanna hisses. "What the hell happened last night with you and Finnick's roommate?"
The thing is: Johanna's right. I wasn't drunk enough to black out as much as I wish I had been. I was kind of wishing it was all just a dream. Did I really pretty much throw myself on a guy I didn't even really meet? I've judged Madge, Johanna, and even Annie for doing the same thing in past. Drunken hook ups are definitely not something I ever foresaw myself doing.
I put my face in my hands and groan.
"Oh, no!" Johanna shouts, jumping over the couch to reach me. She pulls my hands away from my face. "You can't disappear from us and not tell us what happened."
"Jo!" Annie exclaims.
Madge stands up from her chair and walks toward me, sitting down on the floor in front of me and patting my knee. She doesn't say anything and it's something I've grown to like. Madge and I have been roommates since freshman year's random assignment and, although we couldn't be any more different, we're at the point in our friendship where we don't need to talk. Madge understands the embarrassment I'm feeling and she's coming over to support me.
I let out a breath and turn to Johanna. "Peeta."
"What?"
"Blondie. He has a name. It's Peeta."
I tell them everything I remember. Some of it is clearer than others. Johanna barks with laughter when I tell them about our kiss outside and comments about how I really am brainless if I wanted to spend any time outside last night without a coat – although you were probably plenty warm. Annie lets out a breath when I tell them that was all we did – I'd like to think I wasn't drunk enough to follow him upstairs, but apparently the three of them were all ready to hop in Madge's car and go to CVS for the morning-after pill. And Madge doesn't even say anything when I realize I forgot her heels at the Townie. I, however, choke on my own spit when I see that Peeta's slippers are currently kicked on the floor of our common room.
"I can't believe I walked back in his slippers!" I moan. "Now I'm going to have to give them back."
"I can do it, Kat," Annie says. "I'll give them to Finnick at practice and have him bring Madge's heels."
Johanna rolls her eyes. "I don't see why you don't want to see him again, brainless. Blondie's gorgeous. Maybe we could finally get you laid."
I must be as red as I feel because Annie and Madge both punch her in either arm.
…
Annie does end up taking the slippers and putting them in her swim bag for Monday's practice and I curl up in bed the rest of the day. I'm going to have to work my butt off to get my work done tomorrow but I can't do any today. My head hurts too much and I wouldn't be able to focus.
On Monday I set my alarm for seven, pack my bag with all my work, and head to one of the dining halls to do my work. I set up my laptop, sprawl my notes around me, and set out to finish my lab report before my lab at three. I have to skip my history class but it's a huge lecture and I aced the midterm. Skipping fifty minutes of a semester long class probably won't hurt me as much as not finishing this lab.
I'm just finishing my conclusion when I decide to grab lunch. I stuff my laptop in my backpack just so it's not visible and walk into the food area. I'm trying to decide if I want a salad or a Panini, when I grind my teeth together and hide behind a stand of potato chips.
Peeta is standing in the deli line, laughing with another tall, broad, blond boy and a shorter dark haired boy. He's facing the entrance so he might have seen me come in and will definitely see me if I try to leave. Maybe he doesn't remember me. If I remember correctly, he was pretty drunk too.
I pull my elastic off the bottom of my braid and quickly pull it apart so it curtains my face. Then I grab a huge bag of something and pretend to read the ingredients. Girls do it all the time here. I probably look crazy, but it's better than being recognized by Peeta. I'd like to put that night behind me.
I steal a peek at the deli line. Peeta is ordering, his back to me. I spin around and head straight for the cashier, only dropping the bag on the counter when I'm sure my face can't be seen by Peeta if he turns around. I all but sprint out of the food area, stuff all my notes in my backpack, and use the far door of the dining hall to leave.
…
There are close to ten thousand people at this school and it has never felt as small as it does now. Since seeing Peeta at the dining hall, I've run into him three times. Once on my way out of the science building after my lab. Another time when I went for a run around campus. And now.
Since we're at dinner, I don't have my backpack or anything else to put in front of my face so I just put my sweatshirt hood up and look down.
"Katniss, stop hiding," Jo hisses, pulling my hood off. "You look like a freak."
"Hello, ladies," Finnick says as he steps forward. He sets his food down on our table as he turns to talk to Annie, something about practice being moved or something. The rest of his friends haven't followed him as he wandered through the tables to us. All six of them are there, including Peeta and the other two boys I saw at lunch.
Peeta and I make eye contact. He lifts his hand to wave and I look down at the table.
"Oh, right, and we have those heels you wanted," Finnick finishes as he picks up his to-go container. "Sorry I forgot them at practice today. But we're heading back now so if you guys want to stop by on your way back we'll be there."
"Yeah, that'd be great," Annie says. "We'll be over soon."
Finnick grins and looks around our table. "Ladies." I swear he smirks in my direction.
"You really are brainless. Blondie can't take his eyes off you," Jo says, turning her head so she can watch the group of boys meet up and walk out. "You could totally get yourself laid if you wanted to."
"Jo," Madge cries, giving her a look.
"Ugh, can we just stop," I say, clenching my hands and taking a few deep breaths. "Okay?"
"Okay," Johanna says. She holds her hands up in the air in mock surrender. She turns to Madge. "Enlighten us on whatever weird shit happened in your creative writing class today."
Madge starts telling us about the fox-faced girl in her class whose story was being critiqued that day and apparently it was a really graphic dystopian setting where kids were forced to kill each other. Madge hated it, said it gave her the creeps, and the others agree. I'm paying attention enough to nod along but I can tell I'm zoning out because I don't hear much else about the plot.
Instead my mind goes to Peeta and I get angry with myself. Of course he's eyeing me like that – he thinks now that he has this thing going that maybe he can hook up with me. I know what happens on this campus during the parties. People find hook up partners. I'm not interested in that. I'm not really interested in love at all right now. I'm interested on my studies and doing well in school so I don't lose my scholarship. My parents would absolutely kill me.
Madge taps my shoulder. "Come on, Katniss. Time to go."
I let out a breath and follow behind the rest of them. We drop our dishes at the racks and then head out into the brisk night. When we turn into the Townhouses, I forget for a moment that we told Finnick we'd stop by for Madge's shoes and almost say something. But I remember so I just keep toward the back of our group. Luckily the other three are talking about something and don't really notice – or if they do they don't say anything, which is a rarity really.
We knock on number seventy-five and hear a few voices yelling for someone to get the door. There's a loud set of footsteps that we can even hear outside, almost like someone is running, and then a bellow of laughter we can hear through the closed door. Finally it opens and Peeta is standing in front of us.
"Hey, girls, come in. Finn's just getting your shoes."
I realize when we walk in that, no, Finnick is not getting the shoes. Finnick is lounging on the couch, his salmon all but forgotten in its plastic to-go container on the coffee table, and yelling at the television. It's a basketball game of some sort. I can't tell the teams.
"NO!" he shouts. The red team scored a basket. He's obviously rooting green.
"Finnick, I thought you were getting the shoes," says one of the boys sitting in a chair. He and Peeta exchange a look and then laugh. The other four of them are too focused on the television to notice.
"Whatever, someone else get the – OH! For God's sakes, make a fucking shot for once in this game!"
The boy who asked, the sober contact at the party whose name I can't seem to remember, turns with a shake of his head. He shrugs as if to say what are you gonna do? "I'll get 'em," he says, standing up and walking toward the stairs.
Peeta turns to the four of us with a smile. Does he have to be so polite and nice? Why couldn't he be a douche? It'd be so much easier to live with what I did if he was.
"He left them on his desk this morning," Peeta tells us. "They didn't end up in his bag."
"I think he just has a fetish," the blond who was with Peeta at lunch says, his eyes still glued to the TV.
Finnick shakes his head but keeps his eyes on the game. "Shut up, Cato. I know where you sleep."
There's a timeout and it cuts to commercial just as footsteps are heard on the stairs. It's almost as if we're in a whole different room. All of the boys turn and give us their attention. I keep to the back of our group, attempting to hide behind Madge. They exchange small talk for a few minutes, Madge gets her shoes, and we make to leave. Peeta, the goddamn gentleman he is, escorts us to the door. Unfortunately, my hiding place means I'm the last one out.
"See you around, Katniss," he says. I look up, a little in shock that he remembers my name, and see that he's smiling. It's not cocky either. It's the just the right mixture of shy and confident to be genuine.
"Sure," I blurt out before hustling out the door behind my friends.
Johanna laughs as soon as the door's shut but she doesn't say anything for once.
…
I have a pretty strict schedule that I follow most days of the week. I get up in the morning and go for a run. Then I come back and shower before my first class of the day. I go to class, staying on campus in between so I can actually do work, and then head back to the dorm unless I have something I need to get done. If that's the case, I hole myself up in a library or in the corner of a dining hall.
On Thursday I'm in the library.
I have a lot to do for next week, which are the last few days of classes for the semester. I have a final paper and an exam in physics. After that, I have two days to study before I start my almost never-ending stream of finals. I'd like to get my paper finished except for final editing tonight.
When I have a lot of work I find the most remote corner of the library on the bottom floor to set up my things. Most people use the main floor and the two floors above. No one ever thinks about going to the basement. There are usually only a few other people with me. Tonight there's one other kid, a boy on his laptop who looks like he needs a shot of 5-hour Energy or something because I'm afraid he's going to doze and crash his head straight into his keyboard.
I let my fingers fly across the keys, busting out the first page in under an hour – only eleven more to go to get the minimum page limit. I crack my neck. It's going to be a long night.
"Big paper?"
I jump in my seat and literally feel my heart skip a beat. I look at my paper and see that my fingers slammed the keyboard when I jumped. Now the beginning of my new paragraph says: "Breaking down the phrase, we can see Augustine's greatest ijeoga p." I delete the new addition and look up.
Peeta nods to the chair in front of me on the other side of the table. "Mine if I join you?"
What am I supposed to say? No? I shrug and he sits.
"What are you working on?" he asks as he reaches into his backpack and removes his laptop. He puts it on the table and fires it up.
"Paper," I mumble. He gives me a look that tells me he wanted to know the subject. Duh, of course I'm working on a paper. "St. Augustine, specifically the Confessions."
He nods. "Theology core?" I nod. "Nice. I've got a date with James Joyce tonight. We can double with you and Augustine."
I find myself chuckling despite myself and try to stop. He grins and pulls out a worn copy of Ulysses. "Want my advice?" he says, leaning a little toward me. "Never take Irish Lit. Professor Coin's a hard ass."
"Not a problem," I say. "I'm not an English major."
He grins. "What are you then?"
"Biology."
Peeta sets Ulysses down on the table and whistles softly. "Smarty," he says. "You science majors are tough as nails. You might be able to handle her after all."
I look down at my laptop as to not start laughing. English isn't my best subject. I'm not very good at putting things into words.
We work for a little bit. The only noises in the basement are our fingers against the keyboards and the soft snores of the boy at the other table. It's about an hour later when he startles awake, looks at the time, and gives up. He packs his things away and walks out, leaving me and Peeta alone. Peeta keeps working for a few minutes but I'm hyper aware of when he takes his earbuds out of his ears.
"Want anything from the vending machine?"
I shake my head but he still comes back with two candy bars – a Twix and a Milky Way – and he holds them out to me so I can choose. "If it's going to be a long night, we'll need some sugar." I just stare at them. "Come on, Katniss. Just take one."
He ends up with the Twix.
Peeta shuts his laptop while he eats and I try to hide behind mine. I've almost successfully avoided Peeta all week and he must have checked every inch of the library before settling on a spot in order to see if I was in the library at all. Or maybe he was just lucky. I'd much rather like to think he's a creep. It's easier to hate a creep.
He taps his fingers on his laptop. "So are you pre-med?" When I don't say anything, he rubs the back of his neck. "Sorry if that's presumptuous. It just seems that every bio major I meet is going to medical school."
I shake my head. "No. I'm not pre-med. I don't like blood."
"Really?" He cocks his head to the side in this really innocent and childlike way, kind of like he's trying to wrap his head around something important. "So how do you do bio?"
"I don't take anatomy lab."
He chuckles. "No skinning cats for you?"
"If it was my sister's cat, I'd skin it in a heartbeat."
I can't believe I just said that and to an almost complete stranger no less. Peeta doesn't seem to think anything of it though. He just laughs a little louder. I'm glad we're in the basement; we'd get kicked out on the other floors. "I'm guessing you and her cat don't get along." I shake my head.
He leans back a little in his chair. I run my fingers over the touchpad to wake my computer up. I don't want to be the first one to start typing again, it seems a little rude, but this awkward silence is really cutting into my essay time. I'd really like to not pull an all-nighter.
My resolve to not seem rude fades with that and I grab the Confessions and start typing again. Peeta seems to realize that our little chat is over and puts his earbuds back in. His head bobs a little with the music as he types.
Essays really aren't my strong suit. It always takes me forever to write them. Memorization and exams come easier. When midnight strolls through, then one, then two, I wonder if maybe I should just stop, put my books away, and come again tomorrow. I look over at Peeta and he's typing furiously. I wonder how long his paper has to be.
At two thirty I shut my laptop to call it a night. Peeta looks up and shuts his too.
"You couldn't have just finished," I mutter.
He shakes his head. "Nah, Joyce and I parted ways," he says, starting to pack up as well. "I figured I'd work on application essays as long as you were working. Sometimes it helps to have someone so focused next to you."
I nod and we both put on our coats. Are we really going to walk out of here together? What have I done to deserve this? I couldn't have made out with the guy who wants as little to do with me as I want to do with him, could I? Where the hell are all the guys who Madge and Johanna have gotten with all these years, the ones who avoid your eye?
We walk out into the night in relative silence, which I think must be hard for Peeta because he keeps opening and closing his mouth like guppy. I try to send him vibes not to say anything. He's doing well. We're almost at the place where we'll need to separate so he can go to the Townhouses and I can go to my dorm.
We get to our separation place and I give him a quick nod goodbye before turning toward my dorm. I think I've lost him when I hear my name being shouted.
"Hey, Katniss, wait!" I turn around and Peeta is rubbing the back of his neck. "Uh, do you want to get coffee or hot chocolate or something tomorrow?"
I can feel my eyes grow wide. "What?"
"Look, I'm just going to come right out and say it," he says. "I think you're cool and I'd like to get to know you a bit better than a drunken kiss on a picnic table. What do you say?"
I don't say anything. I nod dumbly though and manage to get Peeta's number programed into my phone. It's all mostly done in a daze and I walk back to the dorm on autopilot. That night I can't sleep. My head is spinning too much to close my eyes.
I think I just agreed to go out on a date.
…
The Cornucopia is a small café-style dining hall on campus where students tend to go between classes because they have the best coffee. They also have other specialty drinks, cocoas, ciders, frappes, as well as a case of bakery items and sweets. Through my classes, my heart was pounding in my chest so loudly that I could barely pay attention. I half hope that Peeta decided to stand me up.
But that's not the case. Peeta already has cookies on the table when I arrive. When I inspect them, they aren't Cornucopia cookies. I think he brought them himself.
"I didn't know what you'd want for a drink," he says, almost sheepishly although I don't know why. "I would have had that ready too."
I shake my head. "It's fine."
When we walk to the counter, I try to remember everything that I have ever heard about dates. Am I supposed to pay for Peeta since he brought cookies? Or, maybe it's not a date and I'm supposed to just pay for myself. I guess I'll figure it out when we get to the cashier.
"Hey, Clove, what's up?" Peeta says as he gets to the counter. The cashier is a small girl with dark hair. I've seen her around the science building before but I can't place her.
"Hey, Peeta!" she says, going from looking bored to suddenly interested. "That was a great party last weekend. Are you having another one?"
"Nope, we're all done for the semester, although Finn's trying to weasel us into having an unregistered," Peeta tells her. "It's not going to happen though."
She shrugs. "Well, we're having one tomorrow night. Glimmer picked the theme: Have A Slutty Christmas. You guys are more than welcome."
"Thanks," he says. "I'm sure Finn and Cato would appreciate the theme."
"I know, I saw Cato's get up last weekend," she says rolling her eyes. "Ugh. Anyway, what can I get you?"
"I'm going to have tea, just milk no sugar." Then he turns to me. "Katniss, what do you want?"
I guess he wants to buy for me. "I can buy my own," I start, but he shakes his head and points up to the menu.
"No way, my treat," he says. "What do you want?"
After the solid conversation between Peeta and Clove, I feel extraordinarily out of place. They seem so comfortable together and here I am awkwardly following behind. I mumble the first thing my eyes land on – hot chocolate – and Peeta orders it, and then decides, since there's no line behind us, that he can introduce me to Clove while we wait.
"Clove, this is Katniss," he says, nodding his head in my direction. He turns to me. "Clove and I lived in the same building freshman year. Nothing bonds you like getting written up together the first weekend you're in college."
She smiles, but I can see her look at me curiously, or maybe maliciously. She's probably trying to figure out what I'm doing with Peeta. "Nice to meet you, Katniss," she says, finally, after a long pause.
When our orders are ready, Peeta puts his hand on my upper back to guide me away back to our table. I shudder, or shiver, under his touch. I'm not sure which.
"How were your classes?" Peeta asks as we sit.
I only had history today. "Fine, you?"
He smirks. "I don't have class on Fridays." Then he pats his backpack. "I did have to drop off the monster I was working on last night to Coin's mailbox before noon though."
"Sounds taxing."
He snorts and brings his cup to his lips, taking a long swig before setting it back down on the table. "I wasn't sure I'd make it."
It's meant as a joke, but I can't help looking at Peeta's body. He's not out of shape – in fact, he's far from it. Broad shoulders, muscular frame, he looks like an athlete in a completely different way from Finnick. But he's not an athlete, not that I know of at least. I don't really know what he does.
"So, Katniss, what's your favorite color?"
I have to shake my head to get back to reality. I open my mouth to answer, but he continues, not letting me speak.
"I realize we didn't really meet in the…" he deliberates over his wording for a minute "…most proper way. But, like I said, I want to get to know you better and I think the best way is to share. So, what's your favorite color? Mine's orange."
"Orange?" I blurt out without thinking. When I think of orange it's not the most pleasant color. I think of the bright obnoxious orange that I've always had an aversion to, even as a child. It didn't help the color when Prim found that mangy orange cat and brought it home.
Peeta ducks his head sheepishly and I wonder if I've hurt his feelings with my outburst. He shakes his head and chuckles nervously. "Not the orange you're thinking of," he says. "More like…have you ever paid attention to the sunset?" I nod. "That kind of orange. The one that bleeds with the pinks and reds of the sky. It's softer and gentler. That orange – not the in-your-face Halloween shade."
He literally just spun poetry about a color without even flinching. He must think that the look on my face is because I'm more appreciative of his favorite color, but I'm actually just in awe of his words. How does he do that? There's no way I can make my color sound nearly as wonderful.
"I like green."
He nods and eyes the Christmas tree in the corner of the room. "Green. I'll keep that in mind."
Time flies in the Cornucopia and it's mostly just back and forth questions about each other, interspersed with a small amount of banter and many cookies, all of which I find out that Peeta made. From scratch. His parents own a bakery in his hometown in New Jersey. His mother wasn't thrilled with his decision to be an English major, especially when he was accepted to PCU's business school and then transferred into the school of education in his second semester, concentrating in secondary education. His inflections change when he talks about his dad. He tells me that he's the one who taught him the recipe for the cookies that I scarf down. After graduation he's looking to do some sort of post-graduate volunteer work and one in Ecuador caught his eye about a year ago because it involves teaching. That application was the one he was working on last night while we were in the library. Ultimately he wants to be a middle school teacher and he laughs when he tells me that he and his brothers have perfected the cookie-cutter triad of predictable careers – teacher, doctor, and the business man who will take over the bakery. I want to ask why his mother wanted him to go to business school if his older brother is already being groomed to take over the bakery, but I don't. It sounds like a sour subject.
My stories aren't nearly as interesting as his. I'm a bio major. A junior. I still don't know what I want to do when I graduate. Basically everything that Peeta knows and already has planned I don't. He just shrugs and tells me that it's fine not to know – Marvel still doesn't and they're graduating in May.
We also exchange just random facts – favorite colors, if we like the windows opened or closed when we sleep, he doesn't put sugar in his tea and I don't really drink tea without it. We both don't like coffee but he enjoys the smell of it.
We sit and talk in the Cornucopia for so long the sun sets outside and it's nearly dinnertime. We end up eating dinner at one of the nearby dining halls and continuing our debate over which Harry Potter was the best book – for the record, it's the first, not the third like he insists. We agree to disagree.
It doesn't even cross my mind to say no when he asks if I want to go into the city with him tomorrow to see the Christmas tree lighting until I'm punching in the code to my room. I rest my head against the door. I've just unknowingly agreed to a second date with Peeta and I'm not sure I even wanted the first.
...
Peeta Mellark [sent at 3:32pm]: The lighting starts at six, so want to catch the subway around 5ish?
Sounds good to me. Meet at the station? [Delivered 3:32pm]
Peeta Mellark [sent at 3:33pm]: I have to walk right by your dorm to get there. We can walk together.
Okay I'll meet you outside the building? [Delivered 3:34pm]
"Who the hell are you texting?"
I look up from my phone and hold it protectively in my hands, as if one of them is going to steal it. To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me. "None of your business," I say.
Jo rolls her eyes. "It is my business when your buzzing goes off every five seconds. It's distracting me from the movie." She waves her hand in front of the TV. "I've skipped back three times already. At least turn the goddamn thing on silent."
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:34pm]: Sounds great!
I send him a smiley face and then go into my settings to turn vibrate off, keeping it face up in my lap so I can see if the screen illuminates with a new message. I'm not disappointed.
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:36pm]: Dress warm it's supposed to be cold tonight!
I find a snowman emoticon with a scarf and send it to him. Then I set the timer on my phone to go off in about forty minutes so it will give me time to get out of my pajamas and into actual clothes before I have to go meet him.
Once the movie ends, Madge sticks in a Friends DVD and I use it as my cue to go get ready. I throw on a pair of jeans, a sweater, and a pair of thick socks to keep my feet warm in my boots. Then I grab my jacket, mittens, and a scarf, stealing a quick glance at my phone to see the time. I have about fifteen minutes before I should go down. I go back out and sit in my chair, resetting my alarm to make sure I leave on time.
"Where are you going?" Madge asks.
I bite my lip. "The Christmas tree lighting downtown."
"Gee, thanks for the invite," Johanna says, lifting her head from where she's laying on the couch to look at me. "Who are you going with?"
I haven't actually told my friends about Peeta yet. The night of the library they were all in bed when I got back and then the next day I was out the door before any of them woke up. When I came back that night, they must have figured I got dinner on my own because I was working on my school stuff. They were already comfortably talking by someone else with food trays and the television on. How am I supposed to bring it up? Just casually blurt out to the room oh by the way I'm going to the Christmas tree lighting with Peeta tomorrow?
I play with a loose thread on my sweater. "Peeta."
Madge gets it first – her eyes widen almost comically and she turns her head to me so quickly I can hear her muscles strain. Johanna almost seems like she's trying to figure out why the name is so familiar. Then she looks at me too.
"Holy shit! Blondie?" I nod. "You're going to the tree lighting with the guy you hooked up with at Finnick's party?" I nod again. "How did he get your number? Annie wouldn't have given it to Finnick. Did you give it to him when you were drunk?"
I shake my head. "No…I…well, he found me in the library and we talked and then the next day we went to the Cornucopia and then we got dinner–"
"You got dinner?" Jo exclaims.
"And you didn't tell us?" Madge actually seems a little hurt.
I look back down at the thread on my sweater. "What was I supposed to say?"
"Uh, I got dinner with Blondie," Jo says, sounding like she wants to add a really long duh to the end of it.
The door to the dorm opens and Annie walks in, dropping her swim bag on the floor and dragging her feet into the common room, collapsing on the floor. She does this sometimes when she gets back from a swim meet. She flips herself over so she's on her back and looking up at us. I can tell what she's going to ask before she does it – it's rare that she comes back from a meet and we're are dressed in anything but sweats or pajamas.
"Where you off to, Kat?"
Jo replies before I can. "On a date."
Annie sits up and her mouth drops. "What? With who?"
Madge answers this time. "Finnick's roommate."
Annie at least breaks into a smile. "Aww, yes," she says. "You guys are cute together."
"It's just the tree lighting. It's not even really a date," I lie.
Johanna rolls her eyes. "It's most definitely a date. Unless he brings his contingency of roommates, in which case I expect you to text us an invite, it's a date."
"Yeah, Katniss, you've already gotten dinner together and he paid for you. It's totally a date," Madge says. She eyes me. "Is that not what you want?"
My roommates have heard my 'I don't need a boyfriend' speech more times than they can count in the past three years. It's always been true. I haven't needed one. I'm not here for an MRS degree, I'm here to learn. But maybe this isn't so much about necessity as it is about desire.
I feel my phone vibrate in my lap. Peeta Mellark [sent at 4:56]: Heading over now. See you soon!
"I have to go," I say, standing up. They yell after me but I don't answer, shutting the door quickly behind me as I go.
…
Despite there being no snow on the ground yet, the downtown area where they are lighting the tree is festive for the season. Every bit of the tree is covered in lights and there are wreaths on every building. Santa sits in a sleigh being pulled by a horse through the crowds, stopping to say hello to the children every once in a while. It's a bitter night so the event organizers have six or seven hot chocolate stands and everyone I see seems to have a cup. A local band plays Christmas carols on the stage they have set up for the actual start of the event.
Peeta puts his arms around my shoulders when I shiver. It shocks me at first and I feel myself going stiff. But it doesn't mean anything. He's just trying to keep me warm. I try to relax a little and lean my back a little into his chest for warmth.
"I've never actually gone to this before," I tell him. In my three winters at school, we've never gone into the city for the tree lighting. We have our own smaller one on campus that I've been to once before, but it doesn't compare to this.
"What do you think?" he asks.
"I like it."
Peeta puts his chin on my head. "I'm glad."
Caesar Flickerman, the local television news anchor, starts the event by shouting into the crowd for Santa to come help him start the countdown. Once Santa is escorted through the crowd to the stage, the two ask the crowd to help them with counting down from ten. There are a group of kids next to us who jump up and down, screaming each number as we count. I can feel Peeta turn to look at them and his chest bounces against my back as he chuckles.
The tree lights up with multi-color lights and a giant star at the top. Everyone begins to cheer and Peeta squeezes my shoulders. I've never felt more comfortable than in this moment. There are others like Peeta and I, couples of people standing together with their hands clasped or their arms locked. Why am I comfortable with this when I still barely know Peeta? We met a week ago and yet I feel good being here. Maybe it's just Peeta's easy nature with people. It must be.
Instead of push our way through the subway, Peeta and I decide to take a walk around the decorated downtown until the after-lighting crowd has passed. It's cold, but we stay warm enough as we walk.
"I love this time of year," Peeta says. I give him a funny look and he smirks at my implication. "Not because it's Christmas and gifts but because everything just seems so peaceful. People are so spirited, you know?"
Looking around at all the shop windows with lights in their windows, I understand what he means.
After a walk through the shops, we're too cold to care about crowds and head to the subway. Most of the people have already gone through and normal Saturday night outbound traffic is what we ride with back to campus. We're fairly alone, with maybe one or two others, when the train stops at our school, which happens to be the last stop on this particular line. It's a quick walk through campus before we arrive at my dorm.
"I had a really good time," I tell him. "Thank you."
"No, thank you. It would have been pretty lonely by myself," he jokes. Then he smiles the smile that always gets me, the one that's just a touch too shy for such a suave and charming boy like Peeta. "But in all seriousness, I had a really good time too, Katniss."
He rings his hands together. "I mean, you probably have a ton of stuff to do now, but do you want to come back to my place and watch a movie or something? I just…I guess I'm not ready for the night to be over." Before I can say anything, he groans. "God that sounded bad. You don't have to. I'll just see you sometime, okay?"
He spins around, stuffing his hands in his pockets and starting to walk toward the Townhouses. My mind doesn't think; I just react. In fact, it is such an impulse that I miss the few seconds it takes me to shout Peeta's name, run to his side, and take his hand. This is the first time in my life, I realize after, that I'm not doing something because I have to do it. I study because I have to in order to get a good grade. I go to class so I can learn. I work during the summer to pay for my books. But I take Peeta's hand because I want to, not because it's necessary. I let that desire that pools in the bottom of my gut take over.
His roommates are gone and Peeta only lets go of my hand to rush around tidying up their mess. There are shot glasses on the counter and an open handle next to them that Peeta hurries to put away.
"Sorry about the mess," he says. I shake my head and look around the Townie. It seems so much bigger as compared to the last time. Maybe it has to do with the fact that it's just Peeta and me in this place. I shoot a text to Madge to let her know I'm back on campus so they don't feel the need to wait for me and then move into the living area while Peeta scurries in the kitchen.
When he comes into the living area with me, he grabs a couple binders full of DVDs and opens it to me. "Take a peek, see what interests you," he says. "We can watch it down here on the TV or on my laptop upstairs – it'll be quieter up there once the music starts next door. Whatever you want."
Between the six of them, they have a large DVD collection. I pick something I think we'll both enjoy and hand it over to him. He grins when he takes the disc. "Good Will Hunting. Great choice."
"Let's go upstairs," I tell him. It'll be more comfortable to lounge in the bed, kick our feet up, and I really don't want to feel the vibrations of the music next door halfway through the movie.
"Awesome, come on." He directs me to the stairs and we climb to the second floor. He becomes a tour guide, pointing things out as we go. "This is Marvel and Cato's room," he says, pointing to the door at the top of the stairs. "The bathroom, here's another shower – weird, I know, but it comes in handy with six of us – Thresh and Woof's room right there and then me and Finn over here."
His room is on the far end with the window facing the backyard. Finnick's bed is under the window while Peeta shares a wall with Thresh and Woof. His bed is on the highest setting so he can fit a dresser under it and he has to lift me to get up on it. His bed is comfortable though just as I expected. His wall is covered with pictures and drawings. I look around while he gets everything situated. Above his bed he has a picture of the six of his roommates, one that looks like him and his father when he was maybe four or five. He's covered in flour in the latter one. I bet it was taken in the bakery.
"All set," he says, leaping up onto the bed.
He leans back into his pillows and puts his computer on the shelf at the end of his bed. He opens his arms and I fall into him, cuddling into his side. I remind myself as the movie starts that we met a week ago. Is this too fast? Probably, but I can't seem to make myself stop.
"Is this okay?" Peeta asks. I nod.
I can't get into the movie no matter how hard I try. I'm too aware of Peeta to pay attention. From my place carefully tucked into his side I can feel each inhale and exhale of his lungs. I wonder if the thumping I feel is his heart or mine.
…
For the last four days of school before study days begin and the dreaded week of finals kicks into gear, Peeta and I fall into a steady rhythm. We get lunch together between our classes and work in the library. Upon finding out, Jo dubbed us nerds, but considering everyone is stressed with work that's really all the time we have to be around the other. Plus, since he's in mostly English classes, Peeta only has one sit down final and it's on the first day. The rest are papers that he has to pass in the last day of classes.
"So, what are you guys actually doing?" Madge asks one night toward the end of the week.
"I don't know."
She turns in bed and looks at me through the darkness. "You should figure that out. Make sure you guys are on the same page," she suggests.
That night I stay awake long after Madge falls asleep, my brain unable to shut down. As much as I usually like things in black and white, I've enjoyed not having to put a name on whatever Peeta and I are doing. It makes me feel like less of a hypocrite. But I know Madge's right. She has more experience with this than I do. But what do I want? I value the friendship we've made but as much as I want to deny it I know I'm attracted to him too.
Why do I want to deny it? Because I'm selfish and worried about myself? That's part of it. What if Peeta doesn't want that? And what if he does? I'm scared of that too. I've never wanted that before. I've always tried to keep my mind focused everywhere else when I've thought about it.
It's on our walk back from the library on Thursday night, the music already blaring through the Townhouses because no one ever works on the night before study days begin, that I just blurt it out.
"What are we doing?"
Peeta turns to me, a joke on his tongue but he refrains from asking it. From the way his breath hitches to the way he licks his lips, I know I don't need to expand. He knows what I'm asking.
We stand in our spot, the moment where we need to part for him to go one way and me go the other, for a few long minutes of silence – or maybe it's really only seconds but it feels like eternity.
"I really like you, Katniss," he says finally. "I wasn't looking for anything serious this year because I have no idea where I'm going to be when I graduate, but then I met you. At first it was just the physical attraction, but then I really got to know you and you're so amazing."
He takes my hand in his. "I don't know what's going to happen in May, so I understand if you don't want to try this, but I'm willing to go as far as you want to go."
This is the moment where I have to choose. I could say no, keep my heart intact, and go about my merry way, peacefully ignorant of the beauty and chaos of a relationship. Or, I could say yes. I could tell him that I want to take it as far as we can. I could take the risk, not knowing what is in front of me.
I squeeze his hand and smile. "Let's see where it goes."
Peeta brings his other hand to my cheek and leans down to meet me. The kissing that I remember from the party was awkward and slobbery. It was nice in a way that I felt gratified that someone wanted to kiss me. This is something entirely different.
It's not hurried and our lips move together in a sync we didn't have when we were both drunk. As cliché as it sounds, I feel the butterflies, the beginning of a hunger in my stomach that can only be satiated by Peeta. But, as soon as it starts, Peeta pulls away and delivers one small peck to my forehead.
"I've wanted to do that for a while."
Now that he's said it, I feel like I can admit to the feeling as well.
…
Prim jumps up and down next to my father at the airport, looking more like a five-year-old than someone whose seventeenth birthday is right around the corner. Once I pass through security, she's rushing toward me, wrapping her arms around my neck and squealing in such a high pitch that I can barely make out what she's saying.
"Primmy, calm down," I say, but I feel the same as her. I haven't been home since the end of August. Four months is a long time.
"I've missed you so much!"
Our father laughs and puts a hand on her shoulder. "Quit hoggin' her, Duck."
When we were younger, Prim and I used to follow our father everywhere. It was mostly me following after him and Prim following me. Our mother used to call us his ducklings. The name stuck and he still occasionally uses it as a pet name. It's nice to hear because it means I'm home.
Prim lets go reluctantly and my father takes me in his arms. He smells like coal and it's oddly comforting.
"Come on, girls," he says after we've collected my suitcase from the luggage turnstile. "Home we go."
Dad throws the luggage in the bed of the truck and Prim jumps into the cab. I take this time to pull out my phone and waiting for it to power on. Then I send a text to Peeta.
I just landed. Safe and sound [Delivered at 2:49pm]
I hop in the truck besides Prim. We talk with what must sound like meaningless chatter. We talk about my classes, Prim's soccer season, the piano recital she's preparing for, how many times I went to church while I was at school (I lie on that one – Dad wouldn't appreciate knowing I went maybe once). We're just pulling off 119 to Route 85, almost home, when I feel the vibration in my pocket.
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:38pm]: Have a nice flight?
My fingers fly across the screen, telling him that it was fine and asking how he's doing at the bakery. I send it, set it down in my lap, and feel Prim's intent stare. She smirks.
"Was that the boy?"
Prim called me fourteen minutes after Peeta and I made our relationship 'Facebook official' despite it being two in the morning on a school night. I thought doing it that early in the morning would help with the influx I'd get. It didn't. Madge, Johanna, and Annie all insisted on telling me everything that they thought I'd need to know from the moment they found out to the moment we separated for break. After telling Prim to go back to sleep and that I'd talk to her the next day, she texted me through the day and then called as soon as she stepped off the bus from school. And even though my parents don't have Facebook, because Prim knows everyone in town knows, so I know they do too.
Dad doesn't say anything, but Prim keeps looking at me with her big eyes begging for information. I know she has stalked him online already so I don't need to tell her anything she can find out there. She wants to know the other stuff – how we met, what he's like, stuff like that. But right now Peeta's texts are coming through and I'll have the entire break to talk to Prim.
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:40pm]: The bakery's fine. I'm in the front and we've got a little bit of a lull now. Are you almost home?
Yep. We're about fifteen minutes away [Delivered at 3:40pm]
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:41pm]: Well then I won't keep you from them. We can talk when they get bored with you ;)
Haha. That might be sooner than you think [Delivered at 3:41pm]
I slip my phone in my pocket and look out the window, watching the rolling hills. We pull into town and finally our driveway. I can see Momma at the kitchen window as we all hop out. She comes to greet us at the door and gives me a hug. I get my quiet nature from her.
"Oh, it's good to have you back," she says finally after she lets go. Prim walks into the house under my arm and picks up Buttercup. The demon is the only one not happy to see me. He hisses from Prim's arms.
…
"This is my room. It's not anything special, but at least I don't have to share," I say, taking the computer and circling the room. I cleaned a little when we decided to Skype each other.
Peeta smiles. "Your room literally looks like a forest it's so green!"
It is. I have a green bedspread and a green area rug that covers the wood. The walls are also green, but a softer mintier color than I would have liked. But, when I painted it at ten, my mother didn't think forest green was suitable for a wall.
I flop back down on my bed, lying on my stomach and look at the screen. Peeta's in his own room and it's not orange. His walls are gray and his bedspread almost looks flannel.
"How's home?"
He shrugs. "It's good. A little frantic, like it always is around the holidays trying to make sure we have everything set, orders ready. Rye's driving in from Columbia tomorrow and Dad's all worried he's going to be driving through the snow." He rolls his eyes but smiles good-naturedly. "But he'll be the first one to ask him tomorrow what took him so long."
There's a knock on my door and then it opens. Prim walks into the room. "Mom says that dinner's almost ready," she says. She eyes me, looking between my position and my laptop. Before I know it, she's jumped into bed beside me, bouncing on the mattress ungracefully and hitting my arm. "Is this the boy?"
My cheeks must be a dark shade of red. She takes this as an answer.
"Hi, I'm Prim!" she says, waving at the screen.
Peeta grins and fights a few chuckles at Prim's behavior. "The sister with the devil cat," he says. Prim turns to me for a split second to glare, but then looks back at the screen. "I'm Peeta."
"Dinner's almost ready, so I gotta go," I say, hitting Prim's shoulder with my own. She doesn't take the hint to leave. "Talk to you soon?"
"Of course, I'll text you later." He gives me that lopsided grin that makes my stomach twist. "Nice to meet you, Prim."
We disconnect and Prim rolls over on her back, clutching her hands to her heart. I roll my eyes and put the laptop on my desk. She scrambles up to watch me, her face splitting in a smile from ear to ear.
"Oh my goodness, he's so cute!" Prim squeals. "He's got such a funny voice."
My sister has never been above the Mason-Dixon line and not really outside of our small town. While Peeta doesn't have a thick New Jersey accent like the ones in the movies, he does sound different from the people who live in our town. I suppose I've gotten used to it after spending three years in the north.
"He does not."
Prim giggles. "Aww, Kitty-Kat, you're blushing!"
"Come on, you," I say, walking toward the door. "Dinner."
…
Usually I love going home for break. I never go home during the semester, considering the only longish break we have is Thanksgiving and that's only a few weeks before break. Since Madge lives thirty minutes from campus and has plenty of room for one more at her family's feast, I go there for the holiday rather than spend money on back-to-back plane tickets. This year, however, when January rolls around, I'm excited to get back to school.
And it completely terrifies me.
Peeta and I texted, called, and Skyped all through break and I'm not entirely sure how relationships are supposed to work, but I feel like I'm getting way too attached way too quickly. We've only known each other for about a month now but I can hardly remember what it was like before I knew him.
I step through security at the airport and adjust my backpack on my shoulders and reach into my pocket to make sure I have my subway card at the ready. At the baggage claim area, there's a boy standing in his winter coat, a beanie, and a piece of paper with my name on it. When he looks up and I make contact with the bright blue eyes I've been waiting to see in person for a month, my heart skips a beat.
I never thought I'd be the girl who runs through the airport, you know the girls you see in those cheesy rom-coms that Madge likes so much, but suddenly I am.
Before I know it, I've got my arms wrapped around Peeta's neck, my legs around his waist as he hoists me up, and my lips mesh with his. My heart feels whole for the first time in a month.
I am so screwed.
…
My parents insisted on knowing everything about Peeta. Mom wanted to know more about what he looked like, what his hobbies were, how we met, and Dad was more concerned about two things: how he treated me and what his future plans were – as if being in a relationship for a month was determining that we were planning on marrying in the near future. The whole college dating scene, much less the hook up culture, is something that goes over their heads completely. They met their senior year of high school, got engaged at graduation, and had me a year later. Love at first sight, they always said.
When I mentioned that Peeta was the head of a service organization on campus, both my parents were overjoyed. My father was less thrilled when I mentioned that Peeta was applying for a few positions in post-graduate volunteerism and his top-choice program is a two-year commitment teaching English in Ecuador. To be honest, it's something I've pushed to the back of my mind because I don't really want to think about that.
And that's fairly easy to do when we're back on campus without my parents breathing down my neck. There are other pressures now that we're back on campus.
Johanna, Madge, and Annie have all given me their advice on relationships. Annie gives me ideas for dates. Johanna and Madge drag me to Planned Parenthood, claiming that even if we're not having sex now it's better to be on the pill and not have to worry. Considering my parents would have a stroke if they thought I was even entertaining the idea of having sex right now, I'm glad I have them to help me do this. It hadn't even crossed my mind.
My three roommates benefit from my relationship with Peeta. They get invited to all of their parties now. I'm not a big partier. Peeta knows this and doesn't push me to come, but I want to go just to see him. By the end of January, the beginning of February, I've been to all of their parties and for the most part Peeta and I stay for about an hour before either going up to his room to make out if we're drunk or going back to my room to talk and watch a movie if we're both relatively sober.
"I've got watermelon and blue raspberry, come and get it!" Johanna shouts once the door to the dorm shuts. Johanna turned twenty-one over break we don't need to use her brother's friend Blight as our supplier anymore.
We buy the cheapest stuff we can get our hands on. It's hot going down and burns all the way to my stomach. But if I'm going to handle being in that overcrowded Townie tonight, I can't go sober.
Finnick answers the door when we get there, not looking the least bit happy about being the sober contact. He waves us in. Madge and Jo practically skip over to the beer pong table while Annie hangs back to talk to Finnick. I set out on a mission to find my boyfriend. He's standing near the patio door with Thresh holding a watering can, no doubt full of some mixture of alcohol, and his own beer.
Once Peeta sees me, he pulls me to him. Thresh grabs the watering can so he doesn't spill it all over the place. I'm tipsy, but Peeta's clearly hammered.
"Finnick may or may not have had him drinking doubles for him," Thresh tells me after Peeta lets me out of his death grip. "Keep an eye on him."
Luckily, I've captured Peeta's attention and Thresh can sneak away with both the watering can and Peeta's beer.
Peeta pulls me back to him and we sway a little. "Katniss, I'm so glad you're here," he slurs. "I missed you sooo much today."
"Did you?" I ask. He literally saw me at dinner four hours ago, but he nods and gives me a big smacking kiss on the side of the head.
"Uh huh!" He's got that lopsided grin on his face. I think of it as his blissfully happy face. "I didn't know if you were gonna come because you hate this kind of thing, but you did come and I'm so happy to see you."
I roll my eyes but I can't help but laugh. It might be the alcohol coursing through my veins, but there's something cute about Peeta when he's drunk. He sounds like a little boy, when in real life he's the most charming and poised guy in this dorm.
He tugs on my hand and starts walking toward the stairs. "C'mere. Let's go quieter."
I follow him. Finnick and Annie are guarding the stairs. Peeta told me once that you can't leave the stairs unoccupied unless you want random people going to the second floor. Peeta stumbles to the steps and Finnick laughs.
"Dude," he says. "Don't get excited, you're going to have the biggest case of whiskey dick–"
"We're going to quiet so we can talk," Peeta explains. He sounds like he's trying to explain it to a five year old, but he can't be taken seriously with the slur he's got going on.
"Go ahead," Finnick says, standing to let us through. "Have fun, lovebirds."
Peeta leaps up onto the bed and brings me to him so I'm lying on his chest. I can feel myself rising and fall in time with his chest as he breathes. "I really am glad you're here," he says sweetly.
"Me too," I tell him.
When we kiss I feel a buzz completely different from an alcohol-induced one. This one starts in my stomach and floods my entire body, from my fingers to my toes. It's a deep-seated hunger that I just can't satisfy. Then, when my pelvis bumps with his, I choke in his mouth as a shock fills my body.
Peeta looks up at me, his eyes connected with mine the entire time that his hand leaves my cheek and trails down my body. It's like he's watching me, asking some sort of permission. I don't understand why. He fingers the hem of my shirt before lifting it off me, running his lips over my skin. We've done this before. We've done more, but we still haven't gone all the way. His hands begin to roam my body, fiddling with the button on my jeans until it's unclasped.
We are headed for disaster. I'm just drunk enough that if Peeta makes me feel good I'm not going to be able to think straight. And I know Peeta wouldn't want our first time together to be while we're drunk. To be honest, with the stories Jo and them have told me, that might be the best way to go, but I can't do that to Peeta. He's too much of a gentleman. As much as I don't want to stop this now, I'm the only one sober enough to do it.
"Wait," I gasp. "We don't want to do this while we're both drunk."
He pulls back immediately, or as quickly as he can. "You're right," he says. His jaw tenses. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. The buzz is still flowing through my body, cursing me for stopping.
"The swim meet is in Denver next week," Peeta murmurs. "Finnick will be gone all weekend."
We just end up kissing and talking until he gets to tired, the alcohol making its way through his system. I curl up into his side and wonder if he'll remember any of this in the morning. I kind of hope he does – or at least the last part.
…
Peeta sleeps until three in the afternoon and by that point I'm already at the library and he's too hungover to go farther than the common room in his Townie. Finnick even walks to the dining hall to get him food.
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:14pm]: I'm sorry about last night. I was a real douche wasn't I?
I can almost hear his sheepishness.
No you were just drunk. Do you remember anything? [Delivered 3:14pm]
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:17pm]: Unfortunately I think I remember everything…I sang Zedd to you right?
Are you gonna stay the night? Lol yes you did [Delivered at 3:17pm]
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:17pm]: oh dear god
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:18pm]: How do you put up with me?
Doesn't mean we're bound for life ;) [Delivered at 3:18pm]
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:18pm]: Obviously. You didn't stay
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:19pm]: Just kidding
I take a breath and bite my lip, looking around the library before pressing my thumbs against my screen. I almost feel wrong typing it in the library. I type it and erase it, trying to find the perfect wording, at least four times. It still comes out like crap.
So about what you said…about Finnick not being there next weekend…I'm game if you are [Delivered at 3:21pm]
There's no response for a few seconds and my heart literally stops. Is that the one thing he didn't remember? Did he not actually want that? I feel like an idiot before I see the bubble pop up next to his name, indicating that he's typing.
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:23pm]: If you're sure
I am [Delivered at 3:23pm]
And there we go. I've said it.
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 3:24pm]: Then I'm game too
…
I'm a bundle of nerves on Friday night.
Peeta's roommates are going to the bars, so their entire Townie will be empty until around two in the morning. I bring a small bag of stuff with me – clothes, my toothbrush and things I need to get ready in the morning. I almost wish I had let Peeta do what he was going to do last weekend. That way it would have been done and over with. But Peeta would have been upset about it and I know that's the reason why I stopped it.
I go over around ten-thirty and he answers the door with his air of confidence that he always has. His smile, which wavers just slightly, is the only thing that shows he's at least a little bit nervous too.
"Hey, come on in," he says, taking my bag and swinging it over his shoulder. We walk up the stairs and he shuts the door, locking it behind him.
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here. The only thing I have to go on is the movies. I feel like jumping him suddenly isn't the right thing to do. But Peeta is suave and charming and has done this before and knows that I haven't so he takes the lead.
He takes my hand and smiles. "Relax. You look like I'm going to murder you."
"I'm just nervous."
"That's okay," he says, backing up toward the bed and pulling me with him. He moves his hands to my waist and lifts me up on his raised bed, coming to stand between my legs. I feel the hunger start in my belly. "Just relax. We can stop any time."
I nod. And then he kisses me.
It's sweet and gentle at first but then the hunger that's been steadily building in my stomach is taking over my mind. I want him closer. I want his lips on my chin, on my neck, anywhere on my skin. And I want him in this bed. Now.
He loses his shirt before he climbs in with me, hovering over me and sucking on my neck. It feels so incredibly good. My shirt joins his on the ground and Peeta looks down at me with his own hunger apparent in his eyes. I feel a little self-conscious as Peeta stares but then his lips are on my skin again and it feels too good for the tension to remain. He kisses all the way down my body and to my jeans, fingering the button and looking at me for permission. I nod my head.
When we're both in just our underwear, the dread begins to pool, mixing with the desire. My body wants him. I can feel myself aching for him. But I know that it probably won't be this earth-shattering moment. Johanna told me to set my expectations low.
Peeta looks at me and I nod my head, afraid of what will come out of my mouth if I open it.
He drags his fingers over the center of my underwear and I feel myself suck in a deep breath. My entire body shivers. He presses down on a particularly sensitive spot and I bite my tongue, wincing at the pain in my mouth and then quickly trying to cover it up so he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because he isn't.
I lift my hips, hoping he'll take the wordless instructions and he does, pulling my underwear off completely and dropping it to the floor with the rest of my clothes.
Peeta, who has a skill with words that I do not, hasn't said a word since we started. We make eye contact and he smiles. "You are absolutely beautiful."
I feel absolutely ridiculous laying here in only my bra. I open my mouth to tell him that, but a moan comes out instead when brushes his fingers against me the way he had when I still had underwear on. The hunger in my belly is overcome with pleasure now and I feel myself wanting more as Peeta moves his fingers in a pattern I can't even follow. Then he sticks one of his fingers inside me and my legs fall open instinctively to make the intrusion a little less uncomfortable. But as he pumps his finger into me and rubs that sensitive spot he found earlier, I start to breathe heavy and my fingers claw at his sheets.
And then my entire body turns to jelly.
"Okay?" he asks.
I can't formulate words, even if I wanted to. All I can do is nod my head. My eyes flutter to Peeta's lower half. "Do you…?"
He shrugs. "Depends. If you want to keep going, we'll hold off on that."
I take a deep breath and reach behind me to unclasp my bra. I'm not one for words, especially now, so that's my answer. I hope he understands.
He does.
Johanna's right. It's not really all that pleasurable. In fact, I'd like to block it out of my mind, except for the image of Peeta's face, contorted with pleasure, as he moves inside me. And the after. Peeta washes me in the shower and then we cuddle in his bed and he tells me over and over again how perfect I am and how much he appreciates me. They're the kindest words that anyone, besides my own family, has ever said to me.
As he drifts off, he mumbles that he loves me and the fact that it makes my body warm instead of run completely cold tells me that I'm in way too far to ever jump back out.
…
I've never really been a big fan of Valentine's Day, mostly because I saw it as a consumer holiday. In elementary school, the kids used to use it as a way to tease people – the boys would make cards proclaiming love and crushes and the girls would fall for it.
But when Peeta shows up at my door with a pretty necklace with a single pearl and a plate of cookies, I can't help but smile.
That night, with Peeta's arm wrapped around my waist and my head resting on his other as we drift off to sleep, I let myself imagine a life where Peeta and I are both graduated. He walks through the door with a stack of papers to grade and a little boy with his curls and my eyes comes running to tackle him.
The last thought I remember before falling asleep is that I'm a goner.
…
I'm with Peeta when his phone rings. We're in his Townie with his roommates and mine while we wait for Finnick and Annie to get back from practice so we can go to dinner before the hockey game against our crosstown rivals. It's a little late, but I suppose it's only three in the afternoon in California, which is the headquarters for Heridas Santas, the volunteer program Peeta applied to in late December and phone interviewed with in early February.
He steps out of the room and up the stairs. I can hear him answer before he shuts the door.
None of us can continue our conversations while we wait, and I just keep looking up the stairs, hoping he'll come out soon. It's only a few minutes until my heart starts to pound. I don't know if I should go up there and check on him. But then the door to his and Finnick's room opens and he steps out, walking so steadily and quietly down the stairs that my heart breaks for him. He didn't get in.
He stands at the bottom of the steps, his face etched with shock.
Cato is the one who clears his throat. "Well?"
Peeta looks up and just shakes his head. "I have until April first to give them my answer."
"You're in?" Marvel clarifies.
His face breaks into a smile and he nods his head, still clearly in shock.
All the boys jump up to give him a hug and with the four of his roommates lunging on him he falls to the ground. There's a pile of boys on the floor, cheering and laughing and Woof jumps up to grab a bottle of their fancy liquor they have stored for special occasions. He's just cracking open the bottle when Finnick and Annie walk in.
"What the hell is going on here?" Finnick demands.
"Peeta got into Heridas!" Marvel shouts. It takes five seconds for Finnick to jump into the pile.
I don't even realize the lump that has formed in my throat until Madge takes the seat Peeta once occupied and puts a hand on my shoulder. The boys get off Peeta when Woof puts the drinks on the table, using all of their glassware to serve us all. Peeta makes it a point to meet my eyes when he stands up.
"We need to talk," he mouths.
I nod once and then Peeta is yanked toward the table. I close my eyes and try to swallow the lump in my throat before I do something stupid like cry.
…
Peeta Mellark [Sent at 8:57am]: Are you free sometime today?
I stare at my phone for ten minutes before setting it back down on the table. He sent it over an hour ago, but I still haven't been able to respond. What's there to talk about? Peeta is going to Ecuador for two years and that's not exactly conducive for a relationship. I have a test on Monday, granted it's for my sociology class and I'm not too concerned about it, but I'd rather not get dumped before it.
There's a knock at my door and I frown. Madge, Johanna, and Annie are still sleeping. They partied hard last night with Peeta's roommates at the skeezy dive bar near campus they went to with them. Thresh offered to get me Clove's old ID so I could go with them, since I'm the only one whose not twenty-one and doesn't have a fake, but I said I had a headache and told them I was just going to go to bed. Peeta tried to follow me, but as the boy they were all celebrating he couldn't exactly get out of it. Madge also tried to stay behind but I told her to go enjoy herself. I wanted to be alone.
I stand up and walk to the door, betting it's Johanna's lab partner. They have a lab report due tomorrow and were supposed to work on it today.
Peeta jerks his head when I open the door. "Get your coat. We're going for a walk."
It's relatively warm for mid-March and almost all the snow is gone. We don't say anything until we're halfway around the pond that's on the far edge of our campus. Then Peeta stops and faces me.
"I'm calling them today." He says. This is it. "And I'm declining the position."
And I can't do long distan-wait.
"What?" I exclaim.
"I can't do it," he says, pulling his hands out of his pockets and clenching them into fists. "Not anymore."
I shake my head. "Peeta, you've wanted to do this for over a year. You're in love with this program."
He nods and looks out over the lake. "I'm in love with you more."
We haven't said those words before, except for that time Peeta unconsciously muttered them in his sleep. I think we've both been holding back, knowing this would happen even if we didn't want to admit it.
He grabs at his hair. "I can't do it, Katniss!" He shakes his head and I can hear the lump in his throat as he talks. "I stayed up all night trying to convince myself that this is still what I want. I didn't sleep because I was been thinking about what will happen if I leave the country for two years. I have to see where we can go. I can't leave you."
My cheeks feel wet. "Peeta." My voice cracks. "You can't. This is your life."
"You're my life now."
"I want you to stay so bad," I tell him. He opens his mouth, but I push up on my toes and kiss his words away. "But, Peeta, you have to think practically. What if we don't work out and you don't do this and end up regretting it?"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened. I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life.
"I won't."
He always sounds so sure. I nod and Peeta takes me in his arms, sensing that I haven't agreed yet. "Please, just…don't make any decisions until April first," I say into his neck. "Think about it, okay? For me?"
I can feel him nodding, but I can also feel his heart pounding in his chest as well as my own, the one that's asking me how I can betray it so much. Here Peeta is telling me that he would give up everything he ever wanted just to be with me. How can I even think about telling him to leave when I know my heart is breaking just thinking about the moment I have to let go?
…
"He's seriously thinking about declining?" Johanna sighs and shakes her head. "I mean, I knew you guys were getting serious, but…that's huge."
"Do you want him to go?" Annie asks.
I sigh and let my head fall backwards onto the couch. Madge takes my hand. "No, of course not," I say. My eyes are watering again. I feel like I haven't done anything but cry since I came back from the walk with Peeta. "But he's wanted this forever and I just…don't want him to regret not going."
"How many times does he get to come home?" Madge asks.
"He doesn't." The words catch in my throat.
No one says anything after that.
The four of us sit in silence and my mind keeps spinning. He's ready and willing to give up his entire life plan for me and we've been dating for three months. It's too much. Peeta is giving up too much for something that is so new. He says he can find a job after graduation. He'll live close enough to campus that he can come visit me. I want that. I want that more than I can even fathom right now, but I know I can't have it. Not when Peeta has been so excited for this program for longer than he's known me.
…
On March thirty-first, we're lying on his bed. Since Peeta told me that he would give up his position, we've been pretending that April first isn't coming although we both know it is. I know that Peeta's talked to a lot of people on campus besides me. He's talked to his references for the application, the campus minister who mentors the volunteer program he heads, anyone who will listen to him and guide him.
And I knew, when I knocked on the door and he answered it in tears, that he came to the same realization as I did.
"What day do you leave?"
He closes his eyes. "August first."
How is it that something so wonderful has to hurt so badly?
"What do we do now?" Peeta asks. He looks at me with his bloodshot eyes. "Do we just stop? I don't know if I can do that."
"Me neither." This is going to make it hurt a whole lot more in the end, but I have to suggest it. I'm not sure I'll make it through the rest of the semester if I don't. "How about we use these last six weeks before I leave to say goodbye?"
He covers his eyes with the crook of his elbow. "I don't want to say goodbye."
I roll over and press my lips to his, not wanting any more words to come out of his mouth.
…
My last final is on the day after my birthday and Peeta graduates on the nineteenth. Since everyone but the seniors have to move out of the dorms immediately after finals, Madge invites me, Jo, and Annie to spend the next ten days at her house and we'll go to the graduation together. That night I'll be on a flight home.
Peeta looks so handsome in his cap and gown, but I have never seen a faker smile on anyone's face. His parents load up the car with all his stuff and get ready to go home, but Peeta insists on going with me to the airport. He uses his brother's car to drive and holds my hand the entire way to security.
When we get there he holds me so tightly against his chest I think he might be trying to morph our bodies into one.
"It's only two years," he whispers against my hair. "If it's meant to be we'll find each other again."
I reach around him and almost claw at his back. I try to bury my head into his chest. I really don't want to let go. At this moment, I would do anything just to have him stay. It's because I'm selfish. He's going to have the time of his life. But how am I going to survive without him?
Peeta is the one to pull back and gently push me toward the line for the security check. "I love you, Katniss," he says.
I take the few steps back toward him and kiss him one last time. I never told him those words and now my throat is so full of tears that I can't. I can only hope he understands.
Peeta stands in the same place as I walk through the line and get checked, watching me until I'm out of sight. It's only once I round the corner, sure that he can no longer see me, that I collapse on the floor, tears streaming down my face and ugly sobs caught in my throat, my fingers grasping at the pearl necklace because it seems like the only thing I have left. I don't ever want to fall in love again if it hurts this much to lose it.
…
The next time I see Peeta Mellark is at a New Years party, five years later.
I posted this over on Tumblr as a sort of follower appreciation. I decided to do a follow-up to this to give Everlark a HEA.
Work and chapter title taken from Say Something performed by A Great Big World
Heridas Santas is a fictious volunteer organization that I based off of a few organizations that I'm familiar with. Heridas Santas translates to "Holy Wounds" in English (according to Google Translate/if anyone speaks Spanish and this is horribly wrong, please let me know), which is an illusion to the five wounds of Christ during the Crucifixion. There are a few references through the story that indicate that Katniss and Peeta attend a Catholic university, and thus the program Peeta chooses is Catholic as well, hence the name.
You can find me on Tumblr at dracoisalooker76
