It's nearing 3 in the morning when she slips out. After keeping guard over her and more or less pushing that constant under the surface need she has to just rip his head off, Damon has to leave and take care of the Tyler situation, somehow forgetting through everything else that a full moon was hitting that night.
He compels Jenna and threatens Jeremy to systematically check on her every 30 minutes, gives her those eyes and…leaves.
It's like he was asking for it really. It's flippant and rash and dangerous but she needs to see him; the grounding weight of her decisions earlier that day had left their mark and the replay of the word suicide is that constant painful pound going off in her skull.
She wasn't suicidal, she wasn't.
She was just, done, and it had been enough.
But now that the (admittedly weak) plan had fallen through and she and Stefan were parted from one another, against their will, an ache is there, the acid, bitter taste of guilt crawling up her throat.
There was a reason her plan was a secret, apart from the obviousness of it being something that nobody would go for, but leaving people, leaving him, was the reason. She had not let herself think about, couldn't let herself think about. It was too much and it would have made her come running, racing, screaming back.
So here she was, quietly slipping out of bed, pulling on her boots over her leggings and carefully climbing her way out of her bedroom window to get to him.
It's a bit of a struggle and when a loose tile slips, she swears her gasp is almost as loud as that sound it makes as it hits and breaks against the rain gutter and she knows she's caught out.
But a minute goes by and then two and she untucks her fist from her mouth, assures her racing heart by placing her hand against it and starts to move again.
She estimates it'll take her more than half an hour to get to the forest, even if she drove but decides that by using her mothers bike, one of her possessions that had gone untouched, it'd buy her some time. She pulls and twists her hair up into a ponytail, swings her leg over onto the seat and starts pedalling.
She's been to the area where the tomb sat enough times now that she can get there with almost little to no light but still, the journey there is one of the scariest things she's ever been through. Those shaky and unstable bumps, when she can't pedal anymore and has to go by foot, when the noises of the forest aren't enough to drown out the sound of her hammered, heavy breathing.
Stefan, Stefan, Stefan.
It's that push that keeps each foot in front of the other, that contains the fear, allowing her to twist and bend her way through the branches and into the clearing where the entrance to the tomb sat.
This was the tricky part, the part she didn't have a plan for. She holds herself for just a few seconds and then begins to tiptoe down the steps, as quietly as she can and makes her way to the front, holding a tiny, flimsy torch that shines out into the darkness that is the opening.
And he's sitting there, as close to the entrance as he's allowed with his neck bent down, one leg raised and the other flopped down, his eyes erratically moving, expecting. Waiting.
"You shouldn't be here." He says slowly, and he sounds both exhausted and drained, like he's been sitting there for a lot longer than he really has and she wonders how much being in there with her, Katherine, was affecting him.
"I know." She whispers and tears her eyes away from him and flashes her torch into the cave, looking and seeing nothing but rock.
"She's asleep." He answers in her search and he still hasn't looked up at her which just makes this whole thing, this whole plan, feel that much weaker.
"She's asl…why,..how…Stefan." She finally breaks, her voice rising and it's only when she's moving forward, that he rushes up, moving back.
"Don't." He says roughly but his face breaks and it's a half-hearted attempt at keeping her away and she knows, realizes that some of this, the way he can't look at her, that desperation in his voice and his heartache, wasn't just because of this situation. But because she had planned on taking herself away from him, knowingly and here they were, parted, without choice.
Dealing with this together would have been rough but dealing with it knowing his brain, his heart was being attacked at, flirted with the thought that sticking around for him just wasn't going to cut it anymore, just made it worse. So much worse.
"I wasn't….I was doing it to save you and Damon, to save Bonnie, to save Caroline, the people that I love, Stefan. I know you won't under…"
"By killing yourself?!" He suddenly yells and turns towards her, his face a mess of anger and sorrow that rips at those seams so feebly keeping her together. She sways on the spot and puts her hands out, to steady herself and knows that he can see it, with those eyes, as he reaches his own hands for her, only to be stopped by the barrier of the spell.
"I wasn't killing myself, don't say it like that." She says, tears in her eyes but he shakes his head and she can practically hear the scoff as he looks at her.
"So I can't risk my life for you but you can risk your life for me? Huh? Is that how this is going to work…we'll just wait it out till one of us dies?"
"Stop it." She spits, angry and upset that he could be taking it this way and steps back, faces the stone wall and wipes the tears off her face, her chest heaving.
"I'm…damn it, I'm sorry, Elena…don't…come here."
She shakes her head and sniffs, tears coming faster than she can stop them, the weight of the previous day, and the weight of this situation suddenly overwhelming her.
"Elena…come here." He says softly, his voice reaching her in that way that it sometimes, but really always, could, immediately grounding and calming and loving, all at once.
She turns back around and walks towards him, their eyes unwavering and glued on the other and he stops her where that line was, by letting out a shallow but relieved sigh.
"I hate this." She whispers after a moment, her face creasing as she gestures to the invisible wall separating them, "I really, really hate this."
His eyes are shadows, sunken down on his face and his hands are pushing against the seal with so much pressure they were turning white.
"Damon…Damon will figure out a way to fix this and he's given me some blood so I have my strength and Katherine…she's losing hers."
She nods to this, what little positivity they have and sniffs again, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.
"But I want you to listen to me…I'll keep fighting this, keeping going, if you do too. Because I can't, Elena, " He says, as they stare at one another, "I don't want to do this without you, it would destroy me…if anything happened to you."
She barely nods her head but she's crying and moving for him before either of them can stop it and he comes for her just the same, wrapping his arms around her tightly.
"Why didn't you let me see you before?" She asks against his shirt, her voice breaking.
He's uneasy now holding her and she can feel the tension in his arms around her shoulders, "Because you being here is dangerous."
"You being in there with her is dangerous." She retorts and there's something other than worry in her tone that he can pick out and it somehow makes him smile a little.
"Her mouth is the only thing that can hurt me and I think I've done a pretty good job of drowning her out so far…picturing you helps." He says as he grins a little and leans down to kiss that spot behind her ear.
"Oh yeah?" She says, bringing up one of her eyebrows and leans back as he now kisses her forehead like he can't himself. He can't. The time apart had been short but intolerable given what had happened. Holding her, kissing her, as simple as it was, was a gift.
"Yeah, that you're in here with me instead."
The look on her face is familiar but distant. They hadn't joked, flirted, like this in awhile and felt a little strange, a little new, like it wasn't something they spent weeks doing and weeks figuring out how to stop.
"Oh, didn't know that one of your fantasies involved a cave." She feigns surprise and makes a face at him as he rolls his eyes, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Oh my love, it's always a fantasy with you." He says against the side of her face, pressing sloppy kisses against her hair.
She smiles and ties her hands together like knots at his back as they stood there in silence for a moment, rising and falling against the other.
"You should stay with Damon at the boarding house…while I'm in here," He says eventually and pulls back a little, looking at her, "He'll keep you safe." He smiles but his lips quiver and it falls from his face and the moment, the seconds of meaningless fun between them are gone and she's left with nothing but fear, sadness, loneliness.
"Until you get out." She repeats and lets her hands drop, not being able to keep them together anymore for they were trembling.
He nods and pushes her back with just the tips of his fingers, ignoring the way his heart feels, like it's being pushed against the floor.
"I can't…I can't do this anymore, Elena."
And she's shaking, quivering all over now, remembering his promise from what felt like a lifetime ago and takes a step back, storing his eyes, the way's he's just looking at her, to have, to lean on.
"Fine Stefan," Her voice is barely a whisper and he's mouthing I love you, slow and careful between her need for air, "Whatever."
She turns and she runs.
