Prologue - Beyond Pain

Kaoru looked out the window at the empty yard, brushing a strand of damp hair out of her eyes.  Kenshin was gone.  He had left her, again.  But this time, she had found another way of dealing with the loss.  Physical exhaustion kept most of her depressing thoughts away.  Shaking her head she turned back to the wide practice room of the dojo.  There was little point in dwelling on Kenshin, she had learned.  She had been falling behind in the practice of her own style of swordsmanship.  Teaching Yahiko was one thing, but she still needed to take time to practice on her own time.  Plus, the familiar movements tended to relax her.  Kaoru slid from one form to another with practiced grace, focusing only on her posture, her breathing, and her balance.  She let all thoughts of a certain red head drift away.

            After several hours of the exercise, Kaoru did some stretches, to calm her mind and cool her body.  She ended with her favorite, kneeling on the floor, feet tucked neatly under her, arms stretched above her head, which was touching the worn wooden floor.  She breathed deeply several times.  The Sleeping Child pose was always so soothing.

            Her thoughts drifted back, to his most recent farewell.  By the bridge, the same place he had left her the last time.  His voice, his face, had seemed as flat, as emotionless as he always was with her.  His words hurt her, he knew how she felt, but he couldn't return those feelings.  She had sat there, by the bridge for a long time, until Sano and Yahiko had come to find her.  She couldn't believe he was doing it to her again.  Kaoru hadn't even been able to cry, the disbelief and despair had hung so heavy over her.

            I wasn't pretty enough.  I wasn't strong enough.  I wasn't good enough.  I just wasn't enough to keep him here.  I wasn't enough.  I wasn't enough.  I wasn't enough.  Kaoru realized she was tapping her forehead on the floor in time with her thoughts, but she didn't stop.  She increased the force, driving the thought through her head, forcing herself to face it.  It was time to grow up.  He's gone.  He's gone.  He's gone.  He's gone.  She hit her head harder with each repeating thought, until the pain bloomed through her head, drowning them out.  If only she could find a way to reach this effect with her heart, reaching that place beyond pain, reaching that blessed numbness.  Kenshin was never coming back.  He had made that perfectly clear when he'd turned his back on her.  All Kaoru could wish for now was release from the pain he had left her in.

            He's gone.  He's gone.  He's gone.  She had been alone before.  Hell, she had been alone most of her life.  She'd managed fine before him, she could do the same after him.  She just had to get past this pain.  This pain that flooded her every time she was reminded of him.  She just had to reach the numbness that she knew was beyond it.  She knew it was there, she just had to keep going, day after day, and she could reach it.

            "Where is he?"  A harsh grating voice broke through her inner litany.  Kaoru looked up, her eyes a little blurry, at the figure in the doorway.  She blinked the fuzziness of pain from her eyes, and realized she did not recognize this person.  She knew who he was looking for.  Kenshin.  Everyone was looking for Kenshin, weren't they?  She blinked again, considering telling this man that Kenshin had moved on.  Kaoru didn't want to bother.  In an instant she had grabbed her wooden sword, and was charging.

            He was after Kenshin.  She knew that, and didn't care.  What had sparked her anger was his intrusion.  She was close, so close to the numbness, to the ice.  And this bastard had broken into her home, interrupted her exercises, and this would no longer be allowed.  The only thought her ringing head would allow was: Punish.

            She took him by surprise, and got in three good strikes before he drew his sword.  After that, she was at the disadvantage and she knew it.  A wooden sword was no match for a real one, but she was the Assistant Master of the Kamiya Kashin style.  Kaoru held him off, until he sliced her sword to pieces.  Then he came at her, waving his sword menacingly, knowing he could take her down easily.

            "I'll ask you again, girl.  Where is the Battousai?"  No one had dared mention Kenshin in Kaoru's presence since he'd left.  Hearing this man ask her where he was brought a rage to Kaoru's heart she hadn't known she was capable of.  She didn't understand it, and didn't try to.  She only growled, and charged again.  He cut her leg first, and then struck her side.  She took his hits, gasping.  But all her rage, and all her energy seemed to be seeping out of her along with her blood.  She fell to the floor, unable to carry on.  She couldn't even think, the pain filled her mind with a thick blackness.  Kaoru found herself reveling in it, there was no room for anything but this pain.  This sharp pain that was like heaven next to what Kenshin had done to her heart.  It flooded through her, until there was nothing left.  Then she found the point, beyond pain.  Kaoru felt herself going numb.

            She didn't even notice the man as he stood over her, confused and angry.  He tapped the tip of his sword on the floor next to her, shaking off a few drops of her blood.  Then he turned and stalked out of the dojo, leaving her to live or die, as was her fate.

            Kaoru's eyes were closed, and she surrendered to the black numbness.  It was like ice, curling around her, locking out all the pain, all the rejection, all the despair Kenshin had left her with.  This loving ice, it locked out Kenshin himself.  It shut out his smile, his beautiful eyes, and the adorable way he called her Kaoru-dono.  It shut out everything.  Until there was only ice left, frosting through her lungs until she couldn't even breathe, freezing the blood in her veins.

            I found it, Kenshin.  I found the place where you can't hurt me anymore.

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            Okay loves.  I started writing this after finding out that my boyfriend of the past three years, my son's father, has been cheating on me for over a year.  And his other girlfriend is pregnant and moving in with him.  I'm glad I left the bastard last week.  But I plan on continuing the story; I've got some good ideas.  The rest will probably be as angsty and angry as this chapter, though who knows?  I like a happy ending as much as the next sentimental baka.  But I have a question, for anyone who cares to read this story.  Should I include some of Kenshin's thoughts?  Wherever the hell he is, why he left, blah blah blah.  *grumbles* Stupid Man.  Stupid Men.

            Anyways, please review; this is my first Rurouni Kenshin fic.  I thought I'd have Kaoru break down in a slightly different way.  Also this will be the first time I put Author's Notes on the bottom of Chapters, rather than giving them their own chapters.  The next chapters will be longer, probably.

            And, oh yeah.  I OWN NOTHING!!!!

*blowin' kisses*