Thoughts
A small insight to the feelings of what happened in Order of the Phoenix from Harry's POV and Remus's POV. I don't own these characters. And these thoughts somewhat reflect my own.
Remus~
He's gone.
I don't want to believe it. It just can't be possible. It seems, however, that fate has a strange way of working. I'm the last one. Prongs, Dead. Padfoot, Dead. Wormtail, even, Dead in my eyes.
I'm alone.
I can still remember our school days. It was so long ago, yet so close to my mind. I'll never forget it. With James, Sirius, and Even Peter, all gone, I feel left out. Why wasn't it me? Why couldn't I go, and Sirius stay. Because as much as I don't want to die, It's Harry I worry about. What will he do? What is he going to do without Sirius? Without the man who became his surrogate father?
It's not right
I don't think Harry will ever be the same again either. But as I sit here now, thinking, I can't help but wonder where Sirius went? He was stunned. It was the veil that did it. What does that veil do? Is Sirius still alive back there?
Should I have tried to find out?
Should I have done what I told Harry not to, what I restrained him from doing? Should I have checked behind the veil for someone that could have been there? Someone who might have still been alive?
Should I have?
And for the first time since Sirius went through that veil, I feel tears. They're finally coming, as If a floodgate has been opened, and I'm crying.
Crying for my best friend.
Crying for the lovable prankster, the troublemaker, the stray dog.
Crying for my best friend.
My Brother.
Harry~
I miss him already.
Sure, I didn't know him as well as Remus did. After all, I had only met him three years ago, and for that first year, I was convinced he was trying to kill me.
But After knowing more about this wonderful man that was - is - my godfather, I realise that I don't think I can go on without him.
He was my father, in a way. If My dad was still alive, I imagined he'd have been something like Sirius. And Sirius was not only my Father, but my brother, my friend, my confidant.
I can still see it. In my nightmares. His body arching back; his face contorted in fear and disbelief. Shock. His body disappearing through that veil, and not returning out the other side. Where did he go?
He's still alive?
I know I can't deny what I saw. His body never came out, But what if . . . just what if Sirius wasn't dead. Maybe lost somewhere. Maybe even finding a way out. There's a small glimmer of hope. Just a small glimmer, and maybe he really is alive. Maybe . . . I don't want to get my hopes up. But what if it's possible? What if he's alive?
Anger.
Other than grief, it's the only emotion that I can feel. It's encompassing. Flashes of Red and Black before my eyes. I'm trembling with rage. Fuelled bye Grief, sadness, and loneliness. Voldemort. Bellatrix Lestrange. Peter Pettigrew. All these people. They are the ones who started it. They made this happen. And as much as I want to believe this, I feel guilty. I can't deny that If I hadn't been so gullible, so bloody stupid . . . Sirius would still be with me. We would be happy. We would play Quidditch together, talk together, laugh together and cry together. No. If I hadn't gone . . . Sirius would be here.
The only thought that I have is revenge. Sirius deserves to be avenged. If it is the last thing I do. I'll avenge him. I'll kill Bellatrix Lestrange. I'll Kill Peter Pettigrew. I'll Kill Voldemort.
And now, I'm crying. Its one tear. Then the next. I'm trying to hold it back, I really am. But I can't do it. I just can't to it. Sirius is gone. And I don't know whether he'll ever come back, and I'm crying even harder, harder than I ever have, because without him, I'm lost. I don't think I can do it anymore. I don't know whether I can live. Without Sirius, without my Godfather, Confidant, Father, Brother, and friend . . .
I'm Lost.
