Once upon a goddamn time there was a really shitty apartment in Compton. In this apartment lived three amazing musicians.
One of them was a hot fire spitting rapper who went by the name The Notorious MF A$AP Ol' Dirty Mena, but everyone just called him Vince. Vince was a person of wetback heritage. He denied he looked like Jay-Z even though he totally did. Had the lips and everything. He only cared about two things: his cat Figaro and Maria Carey. He said everything else was overrated.
The other two were named Karl and Braxton. Karl was the whitest motherfucker in the world. He played the drums and said the only band worth listening to was Alice in Chains and that every other band was for fags.
Braxton was a colored fellow, and had the nickname "Blackston." He played the piano, but sold it to by the greatest smartphone on earth so he can read video game news and feel like he was the smartest one in the group. At least now he can play the Smule Piano app he downloaded.
Anyways, one day Karl spent the rest of their money on weed that he smoked through an apple and it got so bad that one of them had to get a job. Karl lost his previous job for being late too often and getting in fights with customers, and Braxton didn't want a job just for the reason that he was colored, meaning Vince was the one who had to sacrifice himself and go out into the working world. It was either that, or he would have to sell his beloved cat.
The Notorious A$AP Mena didn't have enough money to support his next hot mixtape, so he had to go out job hunting. The only place hiring was a shitty pizza place that smelled like used toilet paper, and it was called Ya Boy Eddie's Kosher Pizzeria. Vince applied and got a call back immediately. He was hired to watch the restaurant at night when it was closed. But Vince had heard horrible stories about a man named Paul Walker who died in a car accident.
But that had nothing to do with the rumors about the restaurant. He heard everyone who works nights quit immediately; Vince assumed it was because they became bored rather quickly. But Vince knew he could spit hot fire and laugh about how many anime references he could throw into it.
So Vince went to work, and on the first night, he walked around and looked at the animatronics. Vince thought it was odd that the management left him a book of stories for all of these robots.
One of them was a really fat fucking panda bear named Trent. He wore a white t-shirt and a beanie because he was always head cold and self-conscious about his probably balding head of hair. In the book, it said that he had a neckbeard only because he was too lazy to shave, but nobody believed him. He is also a closet weeaboo.
Another one was a fox named Ryan, who had its fur all spiked up. It was apparently really smart, even if he is an apparent closet furry. The book said he spent most of his time listening to The Beatles and wondering why the fuck he hangs out with these losers.
The strangest looking one was a peacock named Adam. Vince couldn't tell its gender. It had these big beautiful green eyes (or eye, because its feathers covered one of them) and had a voice apparently so beautiful that ladies flocked to him from all corners of the world. Vince felt envious of this animatronic, even though the book said the bird was way too crazy for their own good.
One smelled really bad. It was a donkey named Eddie, the mascot of the restaurant. He's the only one besides Adam the Peacock to get any tail, which makes poor Trent the Panda sad. Eddie apparently takes all the jokes, but deserves it because he listens to too much dubstep and often plays Miley Cyrus on his trombone.
The final one was a little pug named Jesse. It was so edgy that Vince couldn't look at him without crying of its beauty, but Vince was also spooked because Jesse controlled an army of skeletons that will dance whenever he wants them too. Luckily for Vince, though, Jesse has never had to summon these villains of darkness.
Vince thought these were ugliest set of motherfuckers he's ever seen. He didn't even want to look at them. So he went to office to watch the security cameras. He rigged it, though, so he can watch countless hours of Cowboy Bebop instead.
After a while, the animal animatronics (animaltronics) looked at each other and thought it would give them lawls if they spooked the new worker.
The first to attempt the spooking was Trent the Panda. He knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" Vince asked.
"I'm an aliem," Trent replied.
"What's an aaaaaliiiiiiem?" Vince asked.
"It's a meme, you dip," Trent said to him.
This made Vince kek, but not become spooked, so Trent walked away crying and ate a bottle of Tylenol to feel better.
Next Ryan thought he could give the worker good spooks. He took his guitar he had shoved up his ass and played a classic Beatles guitar solo. It didn't spook Vince, but it annoyed him because of its lack of Mariah Carey-ness. So Ryan went off feeling pissed.
Adam the Peacock thought he had a perfect idea. He would sing "I Got a Woman" by Ray Charles, but Vince confused it for the classic song "Gold Digger" by the one and only Yeezus and Vince spit the hot fire. Adam felt offended Vince would even rap over his beautiful voice, and pranced off.
The only thing Eddie the Donkey thought of doing was blowing a snot rocket into the room. He did so, but it got stuck, and Eddie walked off feeling embarrassed for once in his life.
Finally, they had no choice. Jesse the Pug summoned his army of dancing skeletons. This spooked Vince so bad that Vince ran away and was never seen in Compton again.
Jesse then realized he was the true MVP and was the edgiest mofo around.
