This is my second story with chapters. My first one, I deleted. I probably did this because I got bored of it, but I think the main reason was because I didn't really have a plot for it. This story, however, I have a plot and everything figured out. It may be confusing- especially in this chapter- but I can assure you, it will be cleared up in other chapters. So please bare with me!
And as usual:
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Naruto characters. That's why is why it's called fanfiction.
WARNING: This story (and this chapter) contains some of the following: profanity, rape, yaoi, shonnen ai, cussing, beatings, fight scenes, and certain references. If you don't like it, don't read it.
Edit: I got a Beta Reader! Yayyayay! Thank you SasoDei-love!!
Not Guilty by Reasons of Insanity
Chapter one: Is this hell, or life?
Deidara POV:
I slowly open my eyes to see black. Pure black was all I could see around me, there was nothing to distort the color, and I started to freak out in my head as I began to realize that I couldn't move. 'Shit,' I thought. My eyes must have been as big as saucers as I tried so desperately to move my arms, 'What the hell? Why- Why can I not move?'
I could feel my body- I was here. I was laying on what seemed like a bed with black sheets. I could obviously think, because if I could not, I wouldn't be freaking out here as we speak. I began to see a white silhouette moving in the distance of the black. A body, I believe, and after it moved up a little more, I proved to be correct. I am obviously confused as hell, because I am here, in the middle of fucking nowhere, practically sedated, and there is this person coming up to me.
The further it moved up, I began to see that it was my father, and he held a knife. I began to freak even more, and the fear was written all over my face, for he began to smirk when he was, what seemed like, a couple of feet from me. When he moved closer, he moved his face close to mine, and I could smell the horrid mixture of liquor and cheap cologne. He pressed his face into mine, and if I could have moved, I would have cringed.
He grabbed a handful of my long blond hair, still keeping his face pressed closely to mine. I wanted to puke as I took in a whiff of his scent a second time. I held my breath as he put the hair that he grabbed back down, and stroked it. I tried again and again to move my hands, feet, head, anything! I finally made an attempt to speak, but all that came out was a whimper; a childish little cry. It made me feel weak and helpless, just as it did when I was younger. It was like I was living my childhood again.
He finally took his face off of mine, and made a mock shrug. "What is it? Deidara, Deidara," the way he said my name made me sick, "Now, don't deny me of what I want. You know what will happen if you don't do what I ask."
I tried to speak once more, but again, all that came out was that same whimper. My eyes began to fill with tears of desperation. I could not move, speak, or do anything at all. All I could do was act like a defenseless little puppy. No, a puppy could have done more than I could.
"Come, now," he said, his sadistic smirk reappearing on his face, "I really don't think you want to disappoint me, Deidara-kun. That would just make me mad, and that... That would just ruin the moment."
My tears continued to trickle as I whimpered uncontrollably. I could not stop, nor did I want to.
He pressed his index finger to my lips, and I closed my eyes, and I got myself mentally ready for what he was about to do. He whispered, "Shush,"
He replaced the spot where his finger was with his lips. He removed his lips from mine, and I unwillingly opened my eyes. His breath was unbearable.
"Dei.. Dara...kun..." He said my name saying every syllable with a pause in between them.
He kissed me again as he tried to put his tongue into my mouth. I refused, and this made him mad. He pressed his face hard into mine and forced his tongue into my mouth, as I winced in pain. He put his hands onto my face, and moved his tongue wildly into my mouth. As the tears descended down my cheeks, they fell into the black, and they seemed to disappear into it.
After what seemed like ages, he stopped kissing me. That, though, was not reassurance that he was going to stop. In fact, he began to take of my shirt with his dirty hands to continue more into this disgusting "treatment". That was what he used to call it, and that is still what I refer to it as. After he removed my shirt and threw it into the black, and it, like my tears, disappeared too, he swiftly went to my pants and began to take them off as well, my underwear along with it.
His eyes seemed to marvel at how large and rigid I was. Saying as I am now sixteen, he was not used to the "new me". He began to stroke it, and I flinched as my member began to erect. I suddenly, and impulsively, kicked him in the chest. Inside I was happy that I was finally able to move, but I was quickly disappointed that I couldn't move my arms, chest, or head. I could hardly move my legs as it was. And I felt vulnerable, since I was completely naked and barely stopped my forty-two year-old father from doing oral sex on me. I prepared myself for his anger from my kick, but anything was better than this.
He, with the knife still in his hand, flung his left arm at my chest, and it went inside. I winced again, and bit my tongue in the process. Crimson blood tickled down my chest from where he stabbed it and I could taste the saltiness of my own blood. I held my breath as he clenched the knife hard with his hand.
"How dare you, you little bastard!" he hissed at me through clamped teeth. "You are a freak, yet I show you love!"
'Love?' I thought, 'Is that what he calls this? Love? Me being his little play toy and then his punching bag afterwards?'
He grabbed my right hand and continued to yell at me, "This! This is what makes you a freak! No one! No one will ever love you because of this!"
The thing he was referring to, of course, was my hand-mouths. The thing that made every one practically hate me.
"Deidara, I will make you see once and for all that you are loved by no one!"
And, with that, he grabbed my hand and slowly made a deep cut down it where my hand-mouth was, all the way down to my wrist. After that, he went across it. My hand-mouth made sure to keep itself shut tightly as to not get cut on the inside as well as the outside. Pain was all I could think of as he slashed my other hand when he was finished with the first. When finished, my hands fell limply to my sides as the dark crimson blood bled down my hands, onto my legs, and into the darkness. My eyes filled with tears again, and my vision grew blurry and hazy and I began to black out.
--
Cold sweat rolled down my forehead and into the sheets. I sighed in relief as I slowly came back down to earth and realized that was only a dream. No- that's an understatement- it was a nightmare. I clenched my white sheets tightly with my left hand, and parts of the vivid nightmare went on a loop in my head. I should have realized that it was only a dream, but it was so real. I could feel everything in the dream; His touch... That smell... The pain. I quickly looked at my hands; they were untouched. I looked down, and was instantly shocked beyond belief. Was that... blood on my sheets? Was that not just a dream?
I shook my head and shoved the thought away as I stood up from my bed. Yet I couldn't help but wonder, how did that get on my sheets?
I sighed as I walked slowly to the door, opened it half way, and looked both ways before opening it completely to step out. It wasn't because of the dream that I looked outside before going into the hallway. It was my new father. Obviously every one finds me to be their perfect punching bag. My mother, on the other hand, didn't know what he did to me. I haven't told her because, unlike my birth father, she really loved him. It would kill her if she knew, and since we just moved out of our old house, I really didn't want to move again. At least, I wanted to give this school a try.
Even though Kaikou, my Mother's second husband, beat me, it was never as bad as my real father's. Kaikou never raped me or made me do anything; he just has a bad temper.
I grunted, "Un. I suppose I'm used to it."
And that, I realized for the first time, was what I would mutter to myself after a beating. I would always say, "I'm used to it," as if I needed to reassure myself that I am strong to go on with this miserable cycle that was my life.
I slowly made my way kitchen and looked at the white-trimmed clock on the wall. It was 4:34 am. "No wonder mother isn't up yet, un." I said to myself aloud as I began to open the fridge.
I put my hand into the cold fridge and picked out a soda. The tongue on my hand wrapped itself around the can when I put my grip on it. When I shut the fridge, I sat down on a chair next to the round kitchen table and thought about the dream again, looking at my hands. I didn't think these hands were that monstrous. But of course, I've had these hands for sixteen years, and I grew used to them.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of creeping footsteps down the hardwood floor of the hallway. Impulsively, I hid myself in one of the empty food cabinets that was next to the fridge. Since, for my age, I was fairly short and slim, I fit. I made sure that I didn't close the cabinet completely; I didn't want to be stuck in there all day long.
To my surprise, it was not Kaikou. Instead, it was my mother. She sat down in the spot where I previously sat before hiding. After a few moments, I realized that she was crying. I was tempted to get out of that cabinet right then and there, but I quickly dismissed the idea after realizing what an idiot I would look like if I crawled out of there. I was looking for a can of beans at four in the morning? Yeah, something tells me that wouldn't work very well.
I realized that she was on the phone after another few moments. 'I sure am glad I didn't get out.' I thought to myself.
"... But-"
There was a pause, "Why? W-why didn't... Why didn't y-you tell m-me before?"
There was some loud talking at the other end of the phone, but I still couldn't make out what was being said. I realized that it was Kaikou talking. Why wasn't he here? I suppose he might have had a business meeting or something to attend to. Or maybe he's cheating on her... maybe that's what they're talking about right now. That would explain the crying.
"I can't believe you!" she half-yelled, trying to not wake me up. She still thought I was asleep.
"You promise you won't do it again?!"
Another pause and then the loud talking came back from Kaikou.
"... That's what my last husband said, but it was all lies!"
This part, I heard, "I am not like him. I will not hurt Deidara. I love Deidara, and I love you."
When I heard that, I began to choke and hack in shock. What the HELL are they talking about again?! Me? He admitted to the beatings? She actually told her that he was beating me like my real father? And the worst part is, she actually believed him!!
My vision grew hazy again, and I looked down at my hands. My heart pounded against my chest when I saw the blood and scars on my hands like in my dream. I blinked, not believing what I was seeing, and they bled more, the blood on my clothes and on the wall of the cabinets. I began to hear a ringing sound in my ears as the blood-covered door began to open and I saw my mother, but her face... her face was burned and bloody. I screamed in horror of her grotesque face. What the fuck is happening?!
The ringing noise suddenly stopped, and she began to speak, her voice raspy and hoarse, "This is what happens when you play with fire, Deidara."
At that moment, when she finished her sentence, her face began to catch on fire. "Leave me alone!" I screamed, closing my eyes and covering my ears. Ignoring what I yelled, she grabbed my wrist.
"Leave me alone!!" I repeated, "Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!!"
I continued to scream that line, over and over and over, until I blacked out.
