Pop Culture of the Three Kingdoms

-Disclaimer!!-

I do not own Dynasty Warriors, KOEI, Mexico, Heineken, WWE, or anything else that might get mentioned in this fanfic all of a sudden. In fact, let's just say that all that I own are the LETTERS ON YOUR SCREEN. S-E-E? L-E-T-T-E-R-S. Hehe. Fun.

ALRIGHT, BACK TO THE STORY!

Chapter One: Beginning of the Yellow Turban Rebellion

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Narrator: Okai, so liek, it wuz the 184 AD, am I rite? There wuz WOAR!1! All teh pplz were corrupt and angree! They killd each other, LOL!

Then… there wuz a weird hobo dood named Zhang Jiao. He looks liek Jezuz LOL!!

Zhang Jiao: HAHAHAHAHA!!! FEEL THE WRATH OF HEAVEN!!! YELLOW TURBANS, GO OUT, AND DESTROOOOYYY THESE FOOLISH HEATHENS!!!

Zhang Bao: Umm, brother? I'm pretty sure that Heaven would've wanted us to use PEACE to convert these people. After all, isn't our sect called the "Way of PEACE?"

Zhang Jiao: NONSENSE, MORON!! THEY WILL ALL DIE!! DIEEEE!! DIIIIEEEEE!!!

Zhang Bao: O…k…

Zhang Liang: -coming out of his tent- Hey, dudes. What's all the noise about? It sounds cool.

Zhang Jiao: SILENCE, FOOL!! I AM BUSY DIRECTING MY FOLLOWERS AGAINST THE HEATHENS!!!!

Zhang Bao: Goddammit, Jiao. This is SO not what you told us when we first formed this sect…

Zhang Liang: Hey, whatever, man. I'm cool with this.

Zhang Bao: Liang, you're cool with EVERYTHING. Don't you ever stop and think about what's going on?

Zhang Liang: Nah, dude. It's all cool.

Zhang Bao: -facepalm- Ugh… you and your overabuse of the word "cool"… do you have any idea how much you annoy me sometimes?

Zhang Liang: F'real? I just think it's cool.

Zhang Bao: Stop that!

Zhang Jiao: SILENCE, BOTH OF YOU MORTALS!! MY FOLLOWERS ARE HAVING TROUBLE HEARING MY ORDERS!!!

-both Bao and Liang stare at him blankly-

Zhang Bao: Umm.. Jiao.. You're a mortal too.

Zhang Jiao: NONSENSE, BLASPHEMER!! I AM THE GENERAL OF HEAVEN!!!! MAY THE HEAVENS BE PLEASED WITH OUR ACTIONS!!!!

Zhang Liang: Yep. Heaven is cool.

Zhang Bao: For the love of God, Liang, SHUT UP!

Zhang Liang: Why? Are you just jealous that you're not cool like me? Hmph. Disbelievers of the "cool"…

Zhang Jiao: GOOD!!! NOW, CONVERT THEM!!!

-out of nowhere, he gains several hundred more troops, all in the Yellow Turban outfits.-

Zhang Bao: Perfect! More soldiers! We'll be sure to fulfill Heaven's will now!

Zhang Liang: Yes! This is definitely cool!

Zhang Jiao: THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW WORLD! EVERYONE, LET US GO, AND OVERTHROW THE HAAAANNNN!!!!

-everyone cheers-

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Narrator: Okai, meenwhile, ther wer these 3 brothers, rite? Well… they weren't brotherz yet! XDD! But, they made dis oaf at a peech garden to be swearing brotherz! … oh.. I mean.. Sworn Brothers!! ROFL!

-Guan Yu comes to where Liu Bei lives. Liu Bei comes out of the house, wearing a Mexican sombrero, for reasons unknown…-

Guan Yu: -blank expression- Uh… are you Master Liu Bei??

Liu Bei: -in a Mexican accent- Orale, SI!! I am senor Liu Bei para ti, vato loco!!

Guan Yu: -to reader- Ok, I may be no history expert, but I'm pretty sure "vaqueros" didn't exist during this time period. -back to Liu Bei- Well… could you please not do that? It's kinda… weird. And you're not Mexican.

Liu Bei: -does a little jig- Oye, what are you talking about, ese? Que crees que yo paresco Mejicano a ti? ORALE!!

Guan Yu: -facepalm- For the love of god, Xuande, I can't understand a damn thing you're saying! What the hell language is that anyway?

Liu Bei: -takes off the ridiculous hat- Come on, dammit. Can't I be allowed to have a little fun?

Guan Yu: FUN?? You call strange hats, unknown cultures, crazy languages, and fake accents FUN?? If anything, it's more like RETARDATION!

Liu Bei: -points at him threateningly- Hey, tough guy. Don't be jealous just 'cuz you don't have a cool hat like me!

Guan Yu: -exasperated- DAMMIT, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING HAT!! I CAME TO SEE YOU BECAUSE I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOUR GREAT VIRTUE!! … Or at least that's what I was told about you!! -turns around,.sits down, and cries-

-Liu Bei freezes in place, looking at him in surprise. After a few seconds, he walks up to him.-

Liu Bei: -calmer- Normally I would've snapped your neck right now for insulting my hat, but hell – you sound like you really wanted more out of me. Man, I'm sorry… I guess I shouldn't ha-

-Just then, Zhang Fei shows up out of nowhere, drunk as usual.-

Zhang Fei: -points at Guan Yu while stumbling around- Hey, you! Sissy! I'll take you on! Put 'em up! -puts his fists up-

Guan Yu: -turns to him, still crying- Shut up! Can't you see I'm kinda busy right now??

Zhang Fei: Oh what? Are you scared? Hah! You're already crying, and I haven't even thrown one punch! This is TOO easy!!

Guan Yu: Go away, dammit! Leave me the hell alone!

Zhang Fei: Hmph, figures I can't… -falls over due to his drunken state, but gets up- …get any sort of challenge around here. Alright then, how about YOU?? -points at Liu Bei- Come on! I'm itching for a fight, and you're my opponent! Now put 'em up!!

Liu Bei: -puts hat back on- Hah, or else what? You'll pass out from all that Heineken you drank? HAH!! -laughs-

Zhang Fei: -clenches fists- Ohh… YOU!

-Fei charges Liu Bei, but he trips over a flower. A FLOWER.

Liu Bei: -stares blankly- …

Zhang Fei: -gets up- Grr… I'm not done yet. GRAA!

-He charges at Liu Bei again, but trips over the same flower-

Zhang Fei: -gets up again- Goddammit, I'm sick of this shit! EVERY TIME I try to have a good fight, SOME stupid obstacle SOMEHOW saves their life and blocks my way!! Hmph, it's almost as if nature is somehow planning some sort of DESTINY for you. Hah!

Guan Yu: -has stopped crying- Well… you know, you might be right about that. After all, this guy right here IS Master Liu Bei.

Zhang Fei: -stops all of a sudden- Master WHO?? Liu Bei?? As in… THE Liu Bei? Liu Xuande? THAT Liu Bei??

Liu Bei: That's right!

Zhang Fei: -gets on his knees and bows- Forgive me, Master Liu Bei! I am so sorry for speaking that way to you! Oh, how could I have been so foolish!

Liu Bei: -laughing, points at his head- Hah! That's right! Worship the hat, punk!

Guan Yu: -gets up- Xuande! Stop that! Can't you see he's paying respect to you??

Liu Bei: -stops and sighs, shaking his head- ALWAYS gotta ruin my fun, man... always…

-The three get together one day, in the peach garden near Liu Bei's home, and make an oath-

Liu Bei: Guan Yu! Zhang Fei: Although our surnames are different…

Guan Yu: -continues- … Although we were not born on the same day…

Zhang Fei: -continues- … We shall DIE on the same day, and together, restore the Han!!

Liu Bei: Let us swear brotherhood! From now on, we are all as one!

Zhang Fei: Awesome! We ar– -falls over all of a sudden, drawing blank stares from both Guan Yu and Liu Bei-

Liu Bei: … Yide… you didn't drink any of the Heineken bottles back at home, did you?

Zhang Fei: -almost unintelligibly- Maybeh… a wittle… hic.

Liu Bei: -angrily- DID YOU DRINK ALL 24 BOTTLES???

Zhang Fei: Umm… ah… I…

Liu Bei: -facepalm- Dammit, Yide, we were gonna celebrate right after this with some of those! Ugh…

Guan Yu: Oh, don't worry about it, brother! You know alcohol isn't so difficult to find around here. We'll just buy more!

Liu Bei: Well… alright.

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Narrator: Befoar teh Yellow Turben Reunion– woops, I mean Rebellion! There wuz this othar dood in LuoYang named Cow Cow! HAHA! Wat a funneh name!! XDD

Cao Cao: -to Narrator- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S PRONOUNCED TS'AO TS'AO!!

Narrator: Hehe, ur name is sed twice! ROFLMAO!!!

Cao Cao: I wonder how the hell you still have a job…

Narrator: So liek, Cow Cow -Cao Cao: TS'AO TS'AO!!- wuz puttin up troops at LuoYang to flog n00bs who were out late during teh curfew!

-An old man is seen walking outside-

Guard: -snores, and then slowly opens eyes- Huh… is that – HEY! YOU!

N00b about to get beat: -sees the guard- AAH! -runs away-

-The guard calls for reinforcements as he chases the n00b down. They finally corner him in an alley-

N00b about to get beat: Please… I'm begging you! I have done nothing wrong!

-Suddenly, Cao Cao arrives-

Cao Cao: -sees the n00b- Ah, what is this? A late-night stroller, eh? Don't you realize we have a curfew here?

N00b about to get beat: Yes! I know! Please, let me go!

Cao Cao: -scoffs- You think I'll let you go that easily? GUARDS! Kick his ass!!

Guards: YEA!!

-Suddenly, a square-shaped fighting arena with three ropes surrounding it (held in place by poles at each corner) falls from the sky. Two of the guards sit at a random table while the other three throw the n00b into the ring and get in.-

Guard #1: -at the table- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS HANDICAP MATCH IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!! In the ring, from parts unknown, weighting at a measly 120 pounds, N00B!!!

-Random booing comes out of nowhere-

N00b about to get beat: -scared- Ahh… what's going on here??

Guard #1: AND, his opponents! At a combined weight of 438 pounds (rough estimate), THE THREE GUARDS!!!

-Random cheering comes out of nowhere-

Guard #2: -At table with Guard #1- Heh… this does NOT look good for N00b, eh, #1?

Guard #1: Not one bit, #2! Well… let's get this started then! -a bell rings out of nowhere-

-The three guards crack their knuckles and corner the n00b in a matter of seconds-

N00b about to get beat: No… please… I promise I won't be out anymore! Don't do this!!

Guard #3: Heheh.. GET 'IM, BOYS!!

-The three guards beat up the n00b at the same time. One of the guards then brings in a steel chair (Lord knows where THAT came from), while another one hits the n00b with it. Then, the third one does a Pedigree onto the n00b right onto the chair (which was on the floor after being used)

That guard pins the n00b to the ground

Guard #2: -counts- ONE! TWO! THREE!!!

Guard #1: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, THE THREE GUARDS!!!

-Random cheering as the ring, chair, and table disappear and the n00b is left on the floor, badly beaten.-

Guard #3: -walks up to Cao Cao, laughing- Man, you are SUCH a Vince McMahon, dude.

Cao Cao: -also laughing- Don't mention it! HAHA!

-The next day, officials found out that the n00b was in fact the uncle of Jian Shou, a eunuch under Emperor Ling. Cao Cao was promoted to an outside position, but only to prevent this kind of thing from happening again.

Narrator: Howevar, after teh Yellow Turben Rebellion, he wuz sent back to Luoyang to help fite the rebelz! Hehe… Cow Cow.

Cao Cao: I SAID TS'AO TS'AO!! DAMMIT, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Narrator: Uh… nub, I am not a WWE wrestler. And ur not Mr. McMahon.

Cao Cao: Crap…

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Narrator: Okai, now, onto Sun Jian's story! Hehe, SUN! THE SUN!!

Sun Jian: -on the battlefield, cutting down a few Yellow Turbans- Damn, dawg. These boyz call demselves the Generals of Peace, but all dey be doin is bringin' chaos! Damn demons…

-His daughter, Sun Shang Xiang, walks up to him-

Sun Shang Xiang: -confused look on her face- Umm… dad… what are you doing?

Sun Jian: -turns to her- Yo, checkit! I be cuttin' dem Yellow Turbanz!

SSX: Uh… yeah…

-He was INDEED cutting up Yellow Turbans… Just not the soldiers.-

Sun Jian: Aww, dawg, c'mon. It serves as motivation for us brothas!

SSX: -facepalm- I guess I can't argue with that… but your talking… why are you doing that anyway? You've been talking weird ever since you first heard about the rebellion!

Sun Jian: Dude, it's cuz I gotta keep up dis tough guy image, yo! To intimidate dem rebelz when we actually duke it out!

SSX: -sighs- Well… you have fun doing that… before THEY do. -points behind him-

Sun Jian: Huh? -turns around slowly, where 5 Yellow Turban troops are standing, raising their swords- AAH!! AMBUSH!! RUN LIKE HELL, DAWG!!

-Sun Jian tries to run, but gets tripped-

Sun Jian: Yo, dawg, don't be trippin'!

Rebel: Hah! Well, it's too late for that! -raises sword-

-Suddenly, all 5 of them fall down, defeated. Standing is Sun Jian's general, Huang Gai.-

Sun Jian: -gets up- Yo, man, thank you lots, bro. We're homies to the end! -raises fist-

Huang Gai: Fo' shizzle! -raises fist as well and does some sort of secret handshake-

SSX: -having watched the whole thing- Wow. I'm glad THAT happened! See, dad, if you can't fend off five troops on your own, how do you expect to fight off the whole rebellion? Someone's always gotta be watching your back!

Sun Jian: Hey! You can't win a battle by yourself, y'heard? You should know dat!

SSX: Well… of course. Nevermind. I'm gonna go talk to my brothers. -leaves to their camp-

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Well, that's the end of Chapter One. Chapter Two: "The Yellow Turban Rebellion Battle" coming soon!