Further Adventures in the Land of Floating Daggers
Disclaimer: Just in case you didn't notice, I'm not Shakespeare. Therefore, I don't own anything. Except the stuff that I said, and my manclothes.
Author's Note: 'Tis I, Cat, resident "drama queen" returned once more to wreak havoc! Haha! Erm… ability to write pseudo-Shakespeare is seriously decreasing… Just ignore that entire first sentence, okay? Yeah. So. I talk and talk, but I have nothing to say… On to the introduction.
~Introduction~
Yes, I think this needs an introduction. Otherwise you will be lost. Last year, my insane drama teacher decided that doing Macbeth with a bunch of middle school students was a good idea. It wasn't. We started off with a cast of over 30 people. By opening night (which was 6 months later), we only had 12, and 11 of them were girls (which means lots and lots of gender-bending). Everyone, with the exception of three people, had multiple parts. It was total chaos, and we thought we were going to tank, but actually it was pretty good.
~Macbeth is an evil cross-dressing lesbian!~
Remember how I said we only had one guy in the whole production? Well, he wasn't that good at acting, so we couldn't give him the main part. So I played Macbeth. And since I had to wear men's clothes, and be married to Lady Macbeth, we decided that Macbeth is really an evil cross-dressing lesbian. Yes, we are strange.
~Rehearsal Outtakes and Bloopers~
~Sorry, I'm straight…~
Me (Macbeth): My dearest love, *tries not to laugh* Duncan comes- *gives up and bursts out laughing*
Rhiannon (Lady Macbeth): *rolls eyes* Catherine…
***
Me: My dearest love… *cracks up*
Director: *covers face with hands* What am I going to do with you?
Me: Can we take that line out?
***
Me: My dearest love, Duncan comes here tonight!
Rhiannon: And when goes hence? *takes out fake dagger*
Me: Tomorrow.
Rhiannon: O, never shall sun that morrow see! *stabs at the air*
Me: *cracks up*
Rhiannon: What?
~Do I have to say this?~
Rhiannon: What's to be done?
Me: Be innocent of the knowledge, dearest chuck. *laughs* Chuck? Why am I calling her a chuck?
Director: It's a term of endearment.
Me: That's weird.
Rhiannon: What was Shakespeare drinking when he wrote that?
~I hate to tell you this, but…~
Rhiannon: Are you a man?
Me: No, I'm a woman!
Director: *glares*
Me: Sorry.
***
Rhiannon: Are you a man?
Me: *snorts*
Director: *rolls eyes*
Me: Sorry.
***
Rhiannon: Are you a man?
Me: Ay, and a bold one, that dare look on that which might appall the devil!
Stacey (Banquo's ghost): I'm not that ugly!
~Do you take checks?~
Me: Thanks for that. *looks at belt* Oops. I forgot the money again. *runs off to get it*
Heather (Murderer): Hurry up! I don't work for free!
*I think my head's too small…
Me: …It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. *hangs head, looking properly depressed, and crown falls off*
~Um, Macduff…~
Tamira (Macduff): O horror, horror, horror!
Me: *laughs*
Tamira: What??
Me: Did you know, it sounds like you're saying "whore"?
Tamira: Oops.
~Cut that out, Macduff!~
Me: *runs onstage*
Tamira: *chases me onstage* Turn, hell-whore, turn!
Me: *turns around* Okay, that time you did it on purpose.
Tamira: What did I do?
Me: You said "hell-whore". You're supposed to say "hell-hound"!
Tamira: Oops.
~Scotland needs some more holidays.~
Director: Okay, everyone, let's get started!
Rhiannon: Okay, well, time to go kill the king now.
Me: *running around in circles* Every day is Kill-the-King Day in Macbeth-land!!
Stacey: *blinks* It's called Scotland, Catherine.
~Mmm, blood!~
Me: Um, Rhiannon?
Rhiannon: *is licking stage blood* It's mint-flavored!
Me: …
~Room service?~
Rhiannon: *opens curtain-thingies where "bed" is*
Heather (also King Duncan): Hey, where's my pillow?
Stacey: *runs onstage with the pillow, hands it to Heather, and runs off*
~Two bloody daggers, to go please…~
Me: *goes behind curtains*
Rhiannon: Hark! Peace, it was the owl that shrieked. He is about it.
Me: I can't find the bloody daggers!
Stacey: *runs on with the bloody daggers* Here.
Me: Thanks.
~Okay, now this is just silly.~
Me and Tamira: *fight with big wooden swords*
Me: *falls behind bench/box*
Tamira: *goes to "decapitate" me* Macbeth, where's your head?
Me: No clue.
Stacey: *runs on wearing ghost netting, carrying the fake head*
Director: *rolls eyes*
