A/N: I've introduced a female character because I honestly don't trust my writing abilities to write the story as a Lister/Rimmer slash without making it cliché and sappy. Because of this, the story will probably go AU, if it hasn't already. I typically don't like AU, but in Red Dwarf's case, it's near impossible to write a story that follows canon perfectly. The series contradicts even itself. The only thing in the series that is constant is the characters' personality traits, so I'm doing my best to keep that aspect true to the original. Let me know how you think I've done. Feedback is always appreciated. :)

Disclaimer: Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Holly, the Dwarf and anything else recognizable belongs to Doug Naylor and Rob Grant. Angela is mine, but if they want her, perhaps we can work out a deal? I propose a few hours with a certain character's light bee. -wicked grin- I'm in desperate need of a good Risk opponent...

Is simplicity best

Or simply the easiest

The narrowest path

Is always the holiest

So walk on barefoot for me

Suffer some misery

If you want my love

If you want my love

-Depeche Mode

Chapter 1

Thump thump squeak thump. Squeak squeak thump. Squeek squeek squeeeek.

"Oh, Krissy...Krissy"

Sque-thump-ek.

Arnold Rimmer grimaced and plugged his ears as the bunk above his rattled and shook. Unfortunately, since the two beds were connected, so did his. He glared and kicked the upper bed as hard as he could. His foot, of course, passed right through the bunk, mattress, and the sleep-humping roommate he'd tried to wake. Inability to deliver a well-deserved thumping was one of the many drawbacks to being a hologram.

"Lister!" he yelled.

"Oh, Krissy!" came the empassioned reply.

Rimmer shuddered and got out of bed, suddenly feeling dirty. He glanced at the clock beside his bed. 5:30am. Well, it's always good to get an early jump on the day, he reasoned. He could use the time for an extra Esperanto lesson or study his Risk diary in preparation for Friday's match with Kryten, or...smegging hell, what was he going to do to kill 8 or 9 hours before the cat and Lister woke? If boredom was a city, Red Dwarf was certainly its capitol. He sighed and stood in front of the bunk, hands on his hips. "Shower and a clean uniform, please, Holly."

"Oh, so you're up, then?" replied the computer.

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "No, I just thought the normal routine of getting up first and THEN dressing is too ordinary."

"Fine then," said Holly. "If you're going to give me an attitude first thing in the morning, I won't tell you the news."

"What news?" Rimmer whipped around to face the computer.

"No, I don't think so. She's gone through enough trauma already. Meeting you might do her in."

"Do who in?" Rimmer asked, suddenly very interested.

"Our visitor," Holly answered. "I received her distress call about an hour ago. She's in the landing dock currently."

Rimmer went wide-eyed and his nostrils flared wide enough for his nostrils to be used as an alternate dock. "You took on a foreign vessel without consulting anyone!?" he screeched. "What if she is deranged or infected with some alien virus? How could you put the entire crew at risk like this?" He crossed his arms and tried to look severe, which was somewhat difficult as he was still in his pajamas. "I'll have you decommissioned for this!"

"Alright, if that's what you want," Holly began coyly, "If you think I'm so unfit to run the Dwarf, I'll just load Queeg into the system and let him take over for awhile..."

"NO!" Rimmer squeaked. He cleared his throat to regain his composure. "No, Holly, that won't be necessary. I'm...ah...willing to overlook this slight breach of good judgment..." Rimmer forced a smile. Even a senile computer was better than a sadistic one.

"Besides, there's nothing to worry about," Holly said. "I did a complete scan of her and her vessel and found no traces of infection. And being such a small little pretty thing, I doubt she'd be much of a match for Lister or the cat, even if she were deranged."

Rimmer's eyes lit up at the description of the girl. "Well, I think it's time for an introduction, then, don't you, Holly? A shower, please, and clean uniform. Make that a dress uniform." Rimmer paused and caught his reflection in the mirror. He ran a hand through his untidy curly locks. "And see if you can do something about my hair..."