Integra looked up from her tea as Seras and Alucard walked in the kitchen. Alucard was swaying slightly giggling to himself.

"Everything ok?" She cocked her eyebrow. They hadn't had a mission tonight so why was he so happy?

"Um.." Seras frowned, biting her lip as she looked between her two masters.

"Hehe Hello Sir." Alucard smirked.

"Hello."

"Are you a man?"

"Alucard!" Integra growled as simultaneously Seras exclaimed "Master!"

"You look like a man." He chuckled.

"What is going on here?" Integra hissed eyes focused on the blond.

"Well.. We went out to get new sunglasses for master; I accidentally sat on his today-" She was cut off by Alucard breaking out into song.

"She's part girl! She's part boy! She's got parts everyone can enjoy!"

"Master!" Seras grabbed his arm but he ignored her, belting out the next verse.

"She's got more, she's got less, she's got her manhood tucked in her dress."

"What is he singing?" Integra asked through gritted teeth, anger rising seeing as he was pointing to her the entire time.

"Herma-aphrodite by Stephen Lynch." Seras mumbled face hidden in her hands. "Its from one of Pip's CDs."

"Yea! Is she a mister or is she a miss?"

"Continue the story." She snapped, trying to block him out.

"We ran into Anderson. Master went to bite him and Anderson… Kind of threw something in his mouth."

"Something?"

"Does she stand up when she's taking a piss?"

"I think it was crack sir."

"Alucard… is high on crack." She asked slowly, pinching the bridge of her nose. It was too late for this.

Seras didn't get a chance to respond because at that moment Alucard pulled Integra into a tight hug. "She's my little girl, yea, she's my little guy."

"Get off NOW!" Integra punched him in the shoulder and he thankfully released her.

"When I try to please her I get poked in the eye." He held his eye theatrically. Integra grabbed him by the tie, yanking him down to her level.

"You will stop this nonsense right now. You will shut you mouth and stop singing those pervasive lyrics in my presence."

"She wears lace and she wears flannel; she watches football and the life time channel!"

"How much did he eat?" She hissed causing Seras to flinch away.

"I don't know it was a in a sock. Anderson stuck it in his mouth and he kinda …swallowed it."

"An entire sock full?"

"What's that bulge under her nightie?"

"I think it was like half way full."

"IT MUST BE HERMA-APHRODITE!"

Integra glared. "I believe it. Whatever, Seras, I appoint him your problem for now; I'm going the bed."

She walked upstairs ignoring Seras' protesting and Alucard vocalizing.

Shaking her head she slammed her door, tossing her gloves on her dresser and sitting down on the bed to unlace her boots. She had just kicked off the first one when she heard a voice coming from her bathroom, closely followed by feet rushing up the steps.

"She is still beautiful; she is still fine. It's too bad her package is bigger than mine."

"Sir! He phased through the floor!"

"Obviously Victoria!"

"Yea! She can't help her imperfections. She gets jock itch from her yeast infections!"

Integra sighed pulling her boot back on and stomping into the bathroom.

"Alucard."

"Sing with me master! Who stole all my tidy whiteys? It must be herma-aphrodite."

"ALUCARD!"

"Yes sir?"

"I revoke your range privilege. I hereby activate the confinement spell holding you in the basement!" She smiled as he disappeared, finishing her bedtime and crawling under the covers.

"Sir Integra!" Seras' voice called through the door. Integra ignored her.

"Sir! He won't leave my room and he's down there belting out Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl."

"Go back to your room Seras. That's an order."