Title: No Sex On The Jolly Roger

Rating: T

Summary: Just Hook Laying down the law. This is after Henry is safe of course and hopefully asleep bellow deck with the Charmings.

A/N: Hope you laugh

Disclaimers: I don't own

Ladies and gentlemen.. of the Jolly Roger

I have one piece of advice for you

No matter what a savior tells you

There's no sex on the Jolly ROger.. NONE!

Oh there's Rum on the Jolly Roger

But you don't want Rum.. you want sex

And there's NO sex.. on the Jolly Roger

Don't go to parties with magic detectors

Sure it feels safe inside; but what about

all those trolls waitin outside to eat ya ass?

They know you ain't got none..

If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16.. she's 12

If she tells you she's 26, and LOOKS 26.. she's damn near 54

Take off that silly-ass hat

The evil Queen couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes

Snow did some of that shit

Young pirates - if you go to a movie theater

and someone steps on your boot, let it SLIIIDE

Why spend the next twenty years in jail

cause someone smudged your leather?

Rum - ain't nuttin wrong with that

No matter what you think of what I'm sayin

Remember this one thing: there is no sex, on the jolly Roger

[Rumple]

Ooooohh...

No sex on the Jolly Roger (6X)

Absolutely, positively, no sex on the Jolly Roger no-ohhhhh...

[Killian Hook]

If a homeless person.. has a funny sign..

he hasn't been homeless that long

A +REAL+ homeless person, is too hungry, to be funny

Red has a pierced tongue - she'll probably suck your dick

[Rumple: That'd be great..]

Sidney has a pierced tongue - he'll probably suck your dick

[Rumple: I don't want that, no..]

Here's a horoscope for everyone:

Aquarius: You're gonna die

Capricorn: You're gonna die

Gemini: You're gonna die TWICE

Leo: You're gonna die

Scorpio: You're gonna die f**kin

[Rumple: Ohh yeah..]

No one goes to Grannies for wings

[Rumple: No no no..]

If you've been dating a woman for four months

and you haven't met any of her friends, you are NOT her fiancée!

Some of the things I've said may not apply to you

Some of the things I've said may offend you

But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing

No matter what a savior says

There's no sex on the Jolly Roger

NONE

[Rumple]

No sex on the Jolly Roger

no sex on the Jolly Roger

No sex on the Jolly Roger

No no sex on the Jolly Roger

No sex on the Jolly Roger

Can't get none, uhh

Can't have none, nah

on the Jolly Roger

Said there's absolutely, positively

no sex on the Jolly Roger

Said no.. no..

Said no-ohhhh..

Said Hook said..

There ain't no sex

on the Jolly Roger.. no.. no.. no..

Can't get none, ahh

Can't have none.. *fades*

" Fine, Regina care to go for a swim in the moonlight?"

"Love to dear. After all Hook's bed would be to cramped any how."

" Ah Ladies wait! I might been a little to hasty. Agh thanks a lot crocodile."

"Well dearie if want 'em to come back it'll cost ya"

Slight laugher

"Deal"