Frodo Baggins was in Rivendale, enjoying their ample parking; when suddenly - Saruman!
'I am Saruman!' said Saruman 'And I will destroy Rivendale with my staff!'
'Noooo!' Said Frodo. 'Destroying things is bad so I will destroy you!' Frodo charged at Saruman with his swored, but Saruman flexed his sexy muscles and repelled Frodo with his sexy muscles.
'Now you die to DEATH!' said Saruman, but then Gandalf who was there.
'You Saruman go back to where you came to Isengard and take your staff with you' said Gandalf to Saruman whom he was blocking from the Frodo.
'Arggggg!' replied Saruman so his pain was expressed. 'Now I will run back to Isengard but my Orcs will kill Rivendale while I run back to Isengard' he said.
'Quickly!' said Gandalf to Frodo. 'Run away to Gondor before the Orcs kill you! I will hold them off with my sexy muscles!'
'No Gandalf! I won't let you dead!'
'You have to Frodo! It will long journey, but you must make it! Take this!' Gandalf gave Frodo a ring. 'Give it to the King of Gondor before the Dark Lord has all our base are belong to him!'
Later that day, Frodo was talking King of Gondor.
'I am King of Gondor!' said King of Gondor 'What's up Frodo!'
'Quickly ring or Dark Lord kill us all!'
'Voldemort?' replied King back to Frodo.
'No, the other one.' Frodo.
'Oh no! We must stop Emperor Huon from all our base are belong to him!'
King took ring and killed Dark Lord Emperor Huon.
'Yay!' said King. 'War for Middle Earth is victory! Now, celebration!'
But then, at celebration of victory for war, zombie invasion!
'Arrrrgggg!' said zombie to Frodo. Frodo killed the zombie with his swored but there were too many zombies so he ran from Gondor.
'Hello.' said Gandalf.
'Gandalf!' exclaimed Frodo. 'You survived Orc Rivendale!'
'Yes, but Rivendale died!' cried Gandalf.
'Noes!' replied Frodo to Gandalf. 'We need to make better with sandwich.' Then Rivendale was better because sandwich. Later that day, zombie invasion kills all the Middle Earth, so Gandalf and Frodo run away to Chronicles of Narnia.
'Wow!' said Frodo. 'Narnia is like Middle Earth, but with more metaphors!'
'It's very preachy here' agreed Gandalf. 'Perhaps we could use the axiomatic differences between Tolkien and Lewis' literary styles to our advantage.'
'What do you mean?' asked Frodo.
'Well' began Gandalf. 'As Middle Earthicans, we are not bound by Lewis' use of Christian pathos and allusions. That means that we can consciously use them to our advantage! While the local Narnians treat Turkish Delights as if they were the very essence of satanic temptations, and lipstick as if it were all the worlds lusts; we are sane, well-rounded people. We could quickly corrupt the natives with the use of vaguely unchristian sundries.'
'Like Harry Potter DVDs!'
'Exactly.'
Later that day, Frodo and Gandalf were co-emperors of a vast and evil Narnian empire. Luckily, fictional empires are rarely without fictional rebellions, and they were soon deposed and executed by Luke Skywalker and a ragtag team of Wookies, Ewoks and Smugglers.
Hundreds of years passed and the Narnian Republic achieved a level of technological achievement far in advance of our own. But, even as their towering palaces and monuments reached new heights, their souls sunk to new depths. Depraved and terrible rituals, echoes of their societies Rowling inspired origin, became more and more common. After a millennium of violence and bloodshed, the gods grew tired of their decadence and allowed their world to sink beneath the waves of the Atlantic.
Yet still, on the highest peaks of the highest mountains, hermits, the last survivors of the race of men, lived on. Setting aside their natural inclinations towards solitude, a few forged a new society; passing on the torch of civilisation to another generation. The gods were pleased by their empire, the seas slowly fell and the tale of Narnia became legend - dwindling through the ages until none remembered it but the wind, the dirt and stars.
To the North of this new world, there lived a Cimmerian Barbarian. His name was Conan.
To be continued?
