Bohemian Bar Mitzvah

Chapter One

"SPEAK."

"Hello, this is Lorraine Himmelfarb, I'm calling for Mark Cohen-"

"MARK! IT'S FOR YOU!"

"Huh?"

"IT'S FOR YOU!"

"What is?"

"The phone."

"...when did the phone ring?"

"Just now. The lady is looking for you."

"You answered it?"

"No, she's on the answering machine."

"Oh! Well why didn't you tell me!"

"I just did."Mark quickly ran across the loft, snatching the phone just before Lorraine hung up. "Hi! Yes, this is Mark. Oh, right, hi Lorraine. Yeah. Uh huh. Wait...what? Uh, no, no you must have the wrong person, I–no, really! I couldn't...I really couldn't! I–no. Well...no. I just...what? No! Stop! Wait! I--"Mark sighed, as Lorraine obviously hung up on him. He sighed, slamming the phone down.

"Well that's not a very happy face,"Roger commented as he got up from the couch.

"Guess who's going back to Scarsdale this weekend?"Mark snapped. Roger frowned.

"Why do you have to go back there? Is it your family?"Roger guessed.

"No...the temple wants me to talk to a group of kids in the Hebrew class about making their Bar Mitzvah,"Mark explained.

"Whoa, you had one of those things?"Roger asked.

"Yeah, of course,"Mark replied.

"No way! Don't you get like, a ton of money from those?"Roger asked.

"Yeah. And it all went towards the college education I never bothered to get,"Mark sighed. Roger laughed.

"That's sucks,"he commented. "So, I guess we'll be Mark-less this weekend, huh?"

"What?"The two men turned to see Maureen Johnson, Tom Collins and Angel-Dumott Schunard in the doorway.

"Don't you knock?"Roger snapped at his friends, as he walked back over to the couch.

"Here? Please,"Collins snorted.

"So what is this I heard about us being Mark-less this weekend?"Angel asked.

"I have to go back to Scarsdale. It's just a weekend, I'll be back in about a day and a half or so,"Mark replied.

"What the heck do you have to do in that hick town?"Maureen asked, strutting into the loft casually, sitting down as if it were her own house.

"I'm teaching Hebrew class,"Mark sighed, rather sarcastically. Collins burst out laughing.

"You!"he cried. "You're gonna teach?"

"Aw, don't listen to him Marky! I think it's great that you're going to be teaching kids all about...Hebrew-ness!"Maureen said, attempting to sound polite.

"...Mark's Jewish?"Angel asked, frowning.

"Yeah, well, I was pretty much forced into this. It's not my choice,"Mark sighed. "So I've gotta head down there Friday night for some Saturday morning meeting..."

"Well, good luck with that, Mark. Hope you come home alive,"Roger teased.

"You're gonna teach?"Collins continued to howl.

"Look, I know I can't talk to kids! You don't have to rub it in..."Mark muttered miserably.

"You wanna know what I think?"Maureen asked suddenly, standing up.

"Not really,"Roger admitted. Maureen ignored him, walking over and slinging her arm around Mark's neck.

"I think we should all go down and help Mark!"she announced. The whole room went silent.

"...did I just hear you correctly?"Roger asked.

"Come on! He's never taught before, and he's not exactly the coolest of people. These kids would eat him alive!"Maureen continued. Mark frowned.

"Gee, thanks for that vote of confidence, Maureen..."

"Collins, you're a teacher! You know how to handle kids. And Joanne is great with all these kinds of things, she's such a control freak. And Angel...everyone loves you! And Mimi's closer to their age, she'll get them. And I happen to be very entertaining! And Roger...well... Roger plays the guitar!"Maureen explained.

"Your point?"Roger demanded.

"You know, it's really not such a bad idea,"Angel commented. "I think it could be kind of fun!"

"You have got to be kidding me..."Roger grumbled.

"Hey, if Mark doesn't mind, I'm all for it,"Collins said.

"Really? You guys don't mind helping me with this?"Mark asked, looking relieved.

"Of course not Mark! I think we all really owe you one for everything you've done for us over the years,"Maureen said, shooting Roger a dangerous look. Roger sighed. Now he was trapped.

"...okay! Fine! We'll go help Mark teach the little jerks how to be Jewish!"he muttered.

"Good boy!"Maureen said, patting Roger's head as he scowled at her with utter contempt.

"Wow...thanks a lot you guys!"Mark said, suddenly happy again.

"Any time, Mark,"Angel said kindly. "So...since when have you been Jewish?"


Okay, I know I said I would be taking a break from writing...but then I had this idea and I had to get it started before I lost it! It's gonna be a short one, definitely funny. But just so everyone knows, I'm NOT picking on Jewish people. Lots of my friends are Jewish(and I've been mistaken for being Jewish)so I would never DREAM of picking on Jewish people. It's mostly picking on Maureen's lack of knowledge about Jewish people...not to mention Angel's and Mimi's and Roger's as well...haha! Hope you'll enjoy.