Title:What if leaving is a loving thing?
Author:
Jessica
Email:
jrothen yahoo.se
Distribution:
Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers:
The Kids are Alright
Rating:
PG
Feedback:
YES please...jrothenyahoo.se
Pairing:
Dean/Lisa
Genre:
Angst, AU, POV
Disclaimer:I
DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary:
What if Dean stayed with Lisa for one night more?
AUTHORS
NOTE: Title comes from an album by Sahara Hotnights. This is my first
ever
Supernatural
fic so please be gentle.
English
is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.
Thank you to Ruth for beta reading this one.
---------------------------------------------
It
was the little things that stayed with you a long time afterwards.
The
feel of her hand against your chest.
The
way her hair smelled.
The
feel of her mouth against yours.
The
way her body fitted so perfectly in your arms.
Your
memories blindsided you on rainy afternoons when you sat in some
diner in the middle of nowhere trying to drink your coffee.
Sam
was sitting opposite you lost in a book.
It
kept eating at your centre core during the endless nights that seemed
to stretch out before you.
It
felt like your world tilted on its axis.
So
you went out of your way to try to drive her out of your head and
heart.
But
nothing was ever so simple.
It
had been your weakness that had brought you to her door.
She
had been just a memory in the back of your mind and if you had been a
stronger person
she
would have remained there.
But
you told yourself that you needed a distraction from the darkness
that seemed to be closing in on you.
So
you went to her to try to lose yourself for a moment.
But
what you lost was greater than you had ever imagined.
--------------------
One
week earlier
--------------------
She
stood in the doorway to her bedroom with her hands on her hips and
she said the words she once proudly proclaimed she would never
utter; "Stay".
Just
a single word that brought both fear and joy to your heart.
You
tried to avoid her eyes as you answered:
"I
can't."
She
blinked once as your words hit her.
A
part of you wanted nothing but to stay.
To
wrap yourself around her and never let go.
But
it would all be a lie.
You
knew that and eventually your lie would hunt you down.
She
wrapped her arms around her middle, hugging herself, and looked at
you.
Her
voice trembled as she spoke:
"But
-- you said --"
You
hadn't given her any promises.
She
looked so small as she stood there in the doorway.
"Lisa.."
"I
just thought that . . ."
"I
know."
You
moved towards her.
You
wanted to touch her.
But
she moved away from your touch.
"I
should have known that it would end like this."
She
sounded bitter as she spoke.
You
had seen hope in her eyes when you first kissed her.
It
had been just a glimpse in the back of her eyes but you had ignored
it.
You
had wanted her.
Nothing
else mattered.
She
wanted everything from you.
She
wanted a part of you that you couldn't give her.
The
risk was too great.
"Don't
say that."
"Why
did you come here, Dean?"
"I
just . . ."
You
were a bad person.
You
knew that.
"You
wanted a good fuck, is that it?"
"Jesus,
Lisa!"
You
backed away like she had just struck you.
"What?
Isn't it the truth?"
Her
eyes burned into you.
You
looked at her and in that moment she knew the truth.
You
wanted to die then.
It
had never been your intention to hurt her.
In
the end you always managed to hurt the people around you in one way
or another.
Her
eyes darkened and she ran her hand through her hair.
"I
should have known. I should have listened to my instincts
about you."
"I
never meant to hurt you."
Your
words sounded so pathetic and small.
"You
never meant to hurt me? That's a good
one. You come into my life after all these years and
you
think that you can pick it up where you left off. How can you be so
fucking cruel? How can you do that to a person? I'm not the same as I
was.
I have a kid now, for God's sake."
"I
know. It's just . . ."
You
found yourself backing away.
Like
the coward you were.
"What?
Tell me 'cause I can't figure it out."
"I
don't know what you want me to say."
She
kept on coming towards you.
Her
eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.
You
saw pain in her eyes, masked by anger.
"I
want you to tell me the truth."
"Truth
about what?"
"How
can you walk back into my life and be all nice and sweet and expect
that I would be fine with it when you left?"
You
had been selfish.
You
knew that.
The
need to escape your life even if it was just for a night had clouded
your judgment.
She
deserved better.
"I
thought it would be fun."
Your
pitiable words tasted like venom in your mouth.
"Fun.
So it was a game to you?"
"I
didn't say that."
"How
can you be so cruel? Did you know how I felt when you left the first
time?"
The
time you had spent with her had been brief.
You
had left without saying goodbye.
You
had told yourself that it didn't matter.
She
would be better off without you anyways.
"I
just.."
Her
eyes darkened as she spoke:
"Did
you know how I cried when you left? You broke my heart. Did you know
that?"
"It
was just a weekend."
"I
know it was. Don't you think I know that?
But I was young then and foolish. And I fell in love."
Her
words hit you and hit hard.
You
were not a nice person.
You
had killed people.
There
was blood on your hands.
You
had done things that she couldn't even imagine.
You
didn't deserve to be close to her.
You
definitely didn't deserve her love.
But
she had given you her heart once anyway.
"Lisa.."
You
moved towards her, wanting to bridge the gap that stretched out
between the two of you.
"It
took a long time for me to get over you. So when I found you standing
outside my door..
I
guess I have always been foolish when it comes
to you. God, how can I be so stupid?"
"Don't
say that."
You
touched her arm and made her look at you.
Her
skin was warm against your hand.
You
had to let her go.
There
was no question about it.
You
had thought it would be easy.
You
had done it a million times before.
You
had walked into women's lives and left
the next morning.
But
this time it wasn't that simple.
"What
will I tell Ben?"
It
felt like something struck you in the stomach in that moment.
"I
don't know."
"He
likes you, you know. You're his hero. He told me so last night."
Her
words coiled around your frozen heart and managed to squeeze it so
hard that
you
had to back away from her.
But
you welcomed it gladly.
You
deserved it after all.
You
deserved all the pain this world could give you.
"He's
a good kid."
Her
face softened as she reached out her hand towards you.
"Please,
stay . . ."
"I
can't do that."
"I
don't understand."
Her
hands fell to her sides.
"I
know you don't. I wish I could explain."
"Try
me."
"It's
better that you don't know."
"Don't
know what?"
"Just
trust me..."
You
moved away from her and started to turn away.
"Dean..."
"I'm
not a good person, Lisa."
Your
words seemed to hover and soar around the room.
She
touched your arm and made you turn towards her.
"Don't
say that."
She
knew nothing about you.
You
had just given her pieces of yourself, fragments of a broken life.
But
still she believed in you.
She
still wanted every part of you.
"It's
the truth."
"No,
it's not. I know that you're a good person."
You
wanted to believe her.
You
needed to believe her.
But
the truth kept nagging at your centre core.
You
were nothing like the person she imagined.
You
were not the kind of person to deserved to be anywhere near her.
"You
know nothing about me."
She
managed to slip her hand into yours.
It
fitted so perfectly there.
"I
know that you're
kind. You're great with Ben. You make me laugh. You're strong person
with
a
good heart. And that's all I need to know."
You
closed your eyes and whispered:
"I
have done things.."
"Everybody
has."
"Horrible
things."
"I
don't believe that."
It
felt like something was ready to come apart inside of you.
It
felt like your insides where bleeding.
You
opened your eyes and looked at her.
You
saw so much love and tenderness in her eyes.
You
saw hope in her eyes.
"It's
the truth, Lisa."
Her
eyes darkened and her face seemed to twist and turn as she spoke:
"Why
are you doing this?"
"I'm
telling you the truth."
"What
truth? Is this just so I will just get off your case?"
"No.
I'm just saying that the person I am to you and Ben is not real."
"What
do you mean?"
She
let go of your hand.
You
already missed her touch.
"I'm
not a hero."
"Don't."
"I'm
not a good person."
"Why
are you doing this?"
Your
words caused her pain.
It
was ripping at her already bleeding heart.
But
it was better this way for the both of you.
"I
want you to know the truth."
"What
goddamn truth? I don't understand what
you're talking about."
"Don't
you understand?"
She
was crying now.
Her
tears seemed to glimmer on her skin as they made their way down her
face.
It
felt like your were dying in that moment.
Your
hand trembled as you reached out and touched her cheek.
"I
don't deserve you, Lisa. It wouldn't be right."
Something
in her eyes flashed and came alive then.
She
moved away from you.
"IS
THAT IT?"
"Lisa.."
"No.
You don't deserve me. It's that you are
a goddamn mystery."
"I
wanted--
I just--"
You
wanted so badly to touch her again.
Your
hands seemed to cry out for it.
You
moved towards her but she put her hands on your chest and pushed you
away.
"DON'T
YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!"
"Lisa,
I didn't mean to--"
"You
don't deserve me. What about me! What about me? I want you. I need
you."
"No
you don't."
You
knew in your heart that she would be just fine without you.
"Fuck
you, Dean Winchester! If you're such a
coward then you might as well leave."
"Lisa,
please."
"What?
You can't even give me a good excuse. No, you come up with some lame
thing about
not
deserving me."
"It's
the truth."
"You're
such a fucking coward!"
"I
told you the truth. I never lied to you."
You
wanted to ease the pain that ripped in her.
But
you couldn't help her now.
She
didn't move away as you framed her face between your hands.
You
would lock up the memory of her in a special place in your heart.
She
crumbled under your touch.
She
closed her eyes and whispered:
"Just,
please, Dean. Stay. Just one more day. One day."
It
wouldn't be fair for either of you.
You
knew that.
Her
heart would heal.
She
was strong like that.
One
day she wouldn't remember you.
You
would eventually become just another face that had drifted through
her life.
She
had a bright future ahead of her.
You
didn't belong there.
Your
life was soon coming to an end.
At
least now you had something to cling to the last remaining months.
But
you couldn't tell her that.
It
would be better this way.
"I
can't."
She
came apart with a loud bang in your arms.
You
could almost hear it happening.
You
leaned forward, brushed your lips softly against hers and whispered:
"Goodbye,
Lisa."
Then
you let her go.
She
was shaking as she stood there.
She
opened her brown eyes and your eyes met.
You
would remember her.
You
would keep her in your heart.
You
turned away from her and picked up your jacket from the bed.
Then
you walked out of the room.
You
walked past Ben's room without stopping.
You
walked down the stairs and opened the front door.
The
morning sun was just about to grace the world with its presence.
You
walked outside and climbed inside your car.
You
took one last look back at the house.
She
was standing in the doorway.
She
didn't move.
She
didn't blink.
She
was just looking at you.
Your
hands gripped the steering wheel so tight that your knuckles started
to turn white.
It
was time to let go.
You
knew that.
You
looked at her one last time.
The
only woman that you had ever loved.
You
turned the key and the beast came alive under you.
You
couldn't look at her as you backed the car off her driveway.
The
sun was slowly warming your face as you started to drive away.
As
you looked in the rear-view mirror you could still see her standing
there in the doorway of her house.
In
that moment a piece of your heart detached and seemed to free fall
inside of your chest.
But
you didn't feel the pain.
You
didn't feel anything anymore.
