Title: Onward, Thankfully

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Chicago PD

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The holiday season begins after a year of struggle that looks like it's going to continue onward for lengths unknown. Erin comes home for Thanksgiving posed for some big conversations while her family grapples with their own struggles - illness, PTSD, shifting relationships and challenges on the job in New York and Chicago. Set in the Interesting Dynamics AU and post-S4 finale.

SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes, Aftermath, So It Goes, The Way From Here (including chapters/scenes in So It Goes that have not yet been written or posted), and Hereafter. This series also contains SPOILERS related to SEASON 5 of Chicago PD.

Hank eased into the doorway of E's bedroom. Gazed in.

Been quiet long enough that he'd started to think that Erin must've passed out up there too. Wouldn't be surprised. She'd looked pretty spent from the drive. From work. From whatever time her and Halstead – whatever they'd managed to talk about, or not talk about – when she'd gotten in before she'd turned around and come right over there. That likely said something. Was trying to reserve judgement on if it said something about where Jay was at. Or where Erin was at. Or the relationship. Likely more of a combination of all of the above. But hadn't expected to see her that night.

Not that he'd really seen her yet. She'd gotten in the door and headed upstairs to see her brother. See if she could catch him before he drifted off. Apparently had managed to. He'd heard them talking a bit. Had thought he'd heard her reading to him. Had heard some music on low and then no more even masked mutters. Just silence. Let that go on for a long while but had taken it upon himself to go up and take a peek. Both of the kids needed their sleep. Doubted either of them would be getting it in a cramped hospital-style twin that was in E's room. Beyond that, Erin should be doing her sleeping at her own place. Unless she had something else to tell him.

Sometimes he felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop on that. Erin didn't say much. But she wouldn't. Especially over the phone or Skype or whatever the fuck she got him caught up on. Neither of them had a whole lot of time for that anyway. And the regular trips home hadn't been as regular as expected. At least from Erin's end. Hank knew how these things tended to work. Life tended to happen where you were. Makes it hard to pick up and go half-way across the country every second weekend. That quickly falls to the way-side in most long distance attempts.

Though, knew Jay had gotten himself over to New York more than Erin had been getting herself back to Chicago. Not that he said a lot either. Said even less than Erin. But that wasn't entirely unexpected either. Situation was complicated. Awkward.

Hank was doing his best to stay well enough out of it. Didn't have the time to be dealing with it anyway. E. The job. That took up most of his time and energy. Erin and Halstead could figure out the will-it, won't-it of their own relationship. If it was even that anymore. When his girl was over there the night before Thanksgiving after barely getting into the city after a twelve-some hour drive. One that he knew did her no good. Too much to think about. Alone, in the dark on those roads. On a route and trip that triggered memories that Erin didn't need to be dwelling on. Bananas peels.

Supposed though that with this kind of trip, easiest for her to drive. Better than her sitting on runways for hours at JFK and O'Hare. Both ways. Wasn't exactly a stellar weekend to be doing any kind of air travel. Just money and headaches. Ultimately a bit of a waste of time.

Been supposed to be him and E sitting on the runways. Would've kind've liked it that way. Get to see Erin's place. Get a real gauge on how she was doing. If she was taking care of herself out there. If she was behaving some. On the job and in her free time.

Getting some fucking time away from the city wouldn't have been something he would've balked at too much at this point either. Sometimes a change of scenery can do you good. Maybe it would've done E some good. Play tourist a bit. See some other dinosaurs. Sights and sites. But the kid just wasn't up to it. At all. Reality was the job situation wasn't exactly up to it either. And Hank wasn't too sure that Halstead was in the headspace for that kind of Thanksgiving either. He actually might've preferred to be left alone in Chicago for a few days. Or for Erin to have decided to stick around New York when he bailed on his and E's behalf. Let Jay go out there on his own. Let the two of them get some alone time in. Let that kid try to spin his head straight a bit after the latest. Or see if Erin could help twist it around for him. At least for a bit.

But was what it was now. Erin had decided to come this way. Easier, harder. Didn't really make a difference.

He allowed a thin smile. Knew Erin must've heard him come up the stairs. She was still awake. Though E was passed out.

Could see what she'd been in a hurry to get up there with, though. The illustrated hardcover of Fantastic Beasts. Scratch that off the Christmas idea list. Erin had apparently seen fit to spoil her brother. Or she'd just been thinking of him. Not that it took rocket science to know E would like that book. He was obsessed with that book. The movie. And this illustrated one? Looked like some of the things Camille had lining the book shelves in the house. Only this one was all the fantasy beasts. Not that E much seemed to care. And big font. Big, bright, colourful photos. That's what E needed these days. Sure any time Erin had been on the horn with him in the past week or so she'd heard the running monologue about "The Crimes of Grindelwald". Was going to be a long year waiting for that one to come out. With the way Magoo turned into a broken record anymore. Least he skipped through a few different tunes. Though, could do without them too. E sure seemed to think he needed to be reminded multiple times every fucking day that the new fucking Star Wars movie was coming out on December 16. And that he wanted to see it. And that he thought he'd be able to see it best in IMAX. Over and over and over-a-fucking-gain. Kid was lucky he loved him. And that he was brain damaged and working on eventually checking out. Else he might end up having to smack him up the side of the head a bit more than he did.

Erin didn't seem too concerned about the weight of the tome that was resting on her chest, though. Could hear now that the music that E had on wasn't his usually "retro" thumping and bass. Hadn't thought so. Christmas music. Apparently he couldn't wait for them to at least carve the turkey tomorrow and do up the dishes before turning it on.

Hadn't anyway. And Hank could see Erin was taking that in to a point. That she was staring at the Christmas lights E already had strung up around his desk's hutch and window frame.

"Had those up since Halloween," Hank gravelled at her.

Her head turned slightly. She met his eyes some. "Stranger things," she put lately.

Hank allowed a quiet sound of amusement. Might've been where E got the idea. Maybe he sort of wished he could tell her that E and some of his little buddies had had a sleepover, binged the show and dressed up at the characters to go to the RIC shindig. Fireworks off the pier. Fucking Beetlejuice on the big screen in the freezing cold – for a kid that sick. But that'd be a whole lot of half-truths. Closer to an outright lie. Because he suspected the lights had a whole lot more to do with Magoo just picking focus points to get him through.

But supposed that was strange too. Still figured they all needed something to get them through. Maybe E did more than the rest of them. In a different way. But job only reminded you so much of how fucked up everyone else around you was. How much better off you were or weren't from the rest of society. Really a matter of perspective. Bt of an unfair judgement game. How you found the checks and balances in all that. How you weighted hardships.

But could be worse.

Could be.

So hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month. Let E have his focus point. No matter how fucking annoying that meant the seven-, eight-weeks leading up to Christmas would be. And knew then it'd be ice fishing or Spring Training or … who knew … that he'd latch onto. Already hearing about some of that anyway. But oh well. It would be a slog.

But could be worse.

Could be.

Knew that Erin was only looking at the lights so much anyway. Knew she was likely more taking in the room. The situation. Just thinking. More than she should.

Because it could be worse. Could be.

So he just gave her a little smack. Stared at her with the locked gaze they'd finally managed. Because he hadn't gotten much more than a brushed-by hug when she'd come in. Hadn't gotten to talk. To look at her. To measure her. To remind her that it could be worse – could be. And that she had other things she needed to be focusing on. Other priorities.

"Let him sleep," he rasped and nodded at her.

But he didn't wait to see if she'd taken the silent order for her to get out of the room. Just headed back down the stairs. To work at his own reminders about keeping shit in perspective. About moving onward. And how you did that.

And knew you didn't do that laying on your back in some dark room. Life didn't work that wait. And sure didn't wait for you to get up and roll with it either. Kicked you whether you were standing up or laying down. So might as well be bracing yourself on both feet. When you had good ones.

Head straight. Eyes forward.

Onward. Was the only option.

AUTHOR NOTE: This was originally posted as a chapter in Hereafter. But I've decided this will be better as a short collection of chapters set at Thanksgiving (and possibly Christmas) in the circumstance of Erin being away/still in New York City. The chapters scenario may or may not have an impact on how I play out Hereafter, which if you haven't read it is more O/Ss inspired by S5 episodes and recast to reflect this AU.

There will be a second chapter set at the Thanksgiving weekend from Erin's perspective very shortly (within 36 hours, likely less - so you might want to check since FF doesn't bump or alert if chapters are posted less than 24 hours apart)

Your readership, reviews, feedback and comments are appreciated.