Title: Therapy In A Box
Summary: There is a problem with our preferred pair of partners. Can they work through it with a little outside assistance?
Disclaimer: I don't own most of the characters I write about. If you recognize a name, odds are it isn't mine. But seeing as this is a fanfic website, you probably knew that already.
Thanks again to Sunshiny-Kate, the best beta a writer could ask for!
"Just for the record, I still think this is a horrible idea." Beckett crossed her arms as she leaned into the cushions behind her on the couch.
"Then why did you agree to it, Kate?" Dr. Burke asked.
"Because you wouldn't stop suggesting it." She replied.
"I didn't force your hand. This was ultimately your choice."
"I know." She huffed out a loud sigh. "But that doesn't change the fact that I don't think any good will come from it."
"And how do you feel about it, Mr. Castle?" Burke shifted his gaze to the other end of the couch.
Castle glanced at Beckett before he answered.
"I'm optimistic."
"And why is that?" Burke prodded.
"Well, I've been wanting to explain myself to Beckett, but she won't take my calls or answer my messages. I even mailed her a couple of letters, but I don't know if she read them." He looked at Beckett, but she refused to look back, so he continued. "The text she sent me with your address and a time was the first contact I'd had with her in three weeks."
"If I may ask, Mr. Castle, why didn't you just go see Kate at the precinct?"
"Please call me Rick." Castle said with a smile, which quickly faded. "I didn't go because she told me to stay away."
"Yeah, like that's ever stopped you." Beckett spoke up as she turned slightly to face him. "Since when do you listen to me? Since when do you actually do what I want?" Her voice grew increasingly bitter with every word. "Since when did you think of anyone but yourself?"
Castle made no attempt to hide the hurt on his face. Burke cleared his throat and both Beckett and Castle looked at him.
"Those are harsh accusations, Kate."
"They aren't accusations when they're true." She said.
"Come on, Beckett!" Castle exclaimed suddenly. "You're being incredibly unfair about this."
"Unfair?" Her arms flew apart and she pointed at him. "You betrayed my trust. Again. You lied to me. Again. You kept digging into my mother's case. Again."
"How is trying to solve her case for you selfish?" Castle argued.
"The fact that you're doing it yourself and keeping me out of it. Again."
"You want to know the truth?" Castle chuckled angrily. "I have been selfish."
"Write that down, Dr. Burke." Beckett interrupted. "The great Richard Castle has owned up to his wrong doing for once in his life."
"Let him finish, Kate." Burke said simply.
Beckett's mouth closed into a thin line, but she turned back to Castle and waved mockingly for him to continue.
"Thank you." Castle began. "I've been selfish because I can't stand to lose you again. I can't stand to watch you die again. I could solve this case so much faster with your help, but I can't let you touch it." He took a deep breath. "I'd rather spend a hundred lifetimes as nothing more than your partner, than go through the rest of this one knowing I could have protected you but didn't."
"It's not your job to protect me, Castle." Beckett said frustratedly. "I'm the cop, remember?"
"You said it yourself that saving each other and being there for each other is what partners do." He rebutted. "So how is protecting you not my job?"
"Look, forget the semantics." Beckett snapped. "The fact is you continue to treat my mother's case like it's your own personal puzzle, and you refuse to realize how much it hurts me every time I find out you've stuck your nose in it again and kept me out of it."
"Okay, let me stop you both." Burke interjected. "Arguing like this isn't going to get you anywhere."
Castle and Beckett stared at each other for a few moments before turning their attention to Burke. Beckett sighed and recrossed her arms and Castle leaned forward, propping his chin on his hands.
"I want to talk about that night three weeks ago." Burke said to Castle. "When Kate found out you were still investigating her mother's murder."
"I've already told you what happened." Beckett said.
"I know. But I would like to hear Rick's version."
Beckett sighed yet again but didn't argue. Burke nodded to Castle, and he sat back upright before speaking.
"After Mother finished her encore performance of her one-woman show, she and Alexis went upstairs and Marcus left. Beckett and I stayed on the couch for a while, talking about the case." He cleared his throat. "We of course didn't mention the fact that she'd grabbed my hand."
"It was just a friendly, supportive gesture." Beckett huffed out.
"Well, we can just add it to the list of things we can't talk about." Castle replied shortly. "Anyway, I excused myself for a moment and told her to make herself at home. When I came back out of my bedroom, she was in my office, perusing my literature collection. We talked about books and comics for a few minutes before she started yawning. It was incredibly late, so I convinced her to stay in the guest room." He paused and glanced at Beckett again. "About an hour later she came back to the office, though I still don't know why."
"I couldn't sleep." Beckett offered. "I wanted to get a book."
"Well, I hadn't been able to sleep either, and when she came in I was going over her mother's case." Castle continued. "I had everything up on the screen." He sighed. "There was an exchanging of angry words, she went back upstairs to change and stormed out with a serious threat of bodily harm if I showed my face at the precinct. That's really all there is to it."
He leaned back, his story finished. Beckett said nothing, so Burke took control of the conversation.
"Rick, you mentioned a list of things of things that you couldn't talk about. Care to elaborate?"
"No, he doesn't." Beckett spoke first.
"No, you don't." Castle argued. "I'd love to get them out in the open, but you won't even let me knock on the door."
"I think it would be beneficial to the both of you to talk about them." Burke pushed.
"What good would that do?" Beckett asked.
"There is some obvious communication issues going on between the two of you." Burke answered. "Perhaps discussing some of these things here, in neutral territory, will allow you both to get some things off your chests."
"We aren't here for relationship counseling, Dr. Burke." She retorted.
"Then what are you here for, Kate?"
Beckett opened her mouth to reply, but closed it quickly when she realized she didn't have an answer. She took a deep breath and let it out in a loud burst of air. She looked at Castle, and the longing in his eyes nearly broke her heart. What she saw in the deep blue orbs wasn't a sexual longing, but an intense desire to have everything be okay. He was making a desperate, silent wish for them to conquer this. She knew the feeling well, because it was the true reason she'd agreed to have him join her in therapy.
"Okay." She relented. "Let's talk then."
"Really?" Castle asked with a ghost of a smile.
"Really." She answered.
"Rick, since you brought it up, why don't you go first?" Burke offered. "What is one thing that you want to talk about but haven't been able to?"
"It's not so much one thing." Castle started. "It's the near-death experiences, the hand-holding, the flirting, the kiss, the-"
"Slow down, Castle." Beckett interrupted. "We've only got thirty more minutes."
Her tone was slightly annoyed, but there was an unmistakable hint of something that Castle couldn't quite put his finger on. Amusement? Maybe. He shrugged it off, too happy to be finally having this discussion to care about the nuances of her inflections.
"Well, I don't know where to start." Castle continued after a moments thought. "Beckett, why don't you tell me something?"
"Like what?"
"Anything you want to say."
Beckett swallowed nervously. There was so much she wanted to say, and although she trusted Burke and felt comfortable sharing things with him, some of the thoughts in her mind were meant only for Castle. But as she sat staring at her partner, a sudden fervor consumed her, and she could not still her tongue any longer.
"I hate what we've become." She blurted out. "I hate how much we deny our feelings, especially me. I despise the fact that after failing to tell you how I felt before you got back with Gina, I have only attempted to tell you again when I thought we were going to die. I should have been fighting for us, but instead I have been fighting against us." She paused to take a breath. "I'm disgusted with myself for letting my past get in the way of my future, the future I want to share with you. And the thing I hate most of all, my biggest regret, is that I have been lying to you."
"Lying?" Castle asked when she stopped to take another breath.
"About the day I was shot. I remember it all." She looked down. "I never forgot."
She brought her gaze back up to meet his and her heart skipped a beat when she saw the hurt burning in his eyes.
"So the whole summer? All this time since? You've known?"
"Yes." She answered simply. "And I am so sorry. I didn't know what to do. I was dealing with so much."
"I could've helped you get through those things. I could've been there for you." He stopped and stared at her thoughtfully for several seconds. "Will you tell me something?" He waited for her to nod. "Why did you lie?"
"I told you. I didn't know what to do."
"Didn't know what to do with what?"
"The knowledge that you loved me."
"Was it that hard to believe?" He asked softly.
"No. I never doubted it." She answered quickly. "I just didn't want to run you off by trying to make something work when I wasn't ready."
"Yeah, you said as much on the swings the day you came back to me." He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, but I think I need to go." He stood up. "Dr. Burke, thank you for helping Kate. I'm glad someone can."
He started for the door but Beckett grabbed his wrist.
"Castle, wait. Please."
Before Castle could say anything Burke spoke up.
"Rick, you may not see it this way, but good progress was made today. For both of you."
Castle smiled weakly.
"True as that may be, I already know what I want."
"Would you be willing to see me again, with Kate, if that was what she wanted that?" Burke asked.
Castle locked his eyes onto Beckett's question filled ones.
"Always."
He tugged his wrist gently from her grip and left the room. He made it to the elevator at the end of the hall and pressed the button before he heard the door he'd just left open and close again. A few moments later he sensed Beckett at his side.
"Can I ride down with you?" She asked tentatively.
"It's a free country." He said with a shrug.
"Castle, I-"
"No." He interrupted. "Not right now."
Beckett didn't reply, and both were grateful when the elevator arrived. The doors slid open and Castle stepped inside first. Beckett followed and pushed the button for the first floor. The doors shut silently and the motor started them on their downwards journey.
They'd traveled past two floors when Beckett reached out and pressed the emergency stop button.
