I dream of memories long since passed. In these dreams the world appears to be so different: colours and faces are older and voices contain so much innocence. My past haunts my present with painfully beautiful lives. Remnants of what once was, before it all went horribly wrong. I remember the ball before Voyagers departure; all their faces containing so much youth and trust. Those who have now gone continue to dance with those who must carry on. My body remains in the rhythm that it was in on that night but my voice is silenced with my tears. No matter how much I try I cannot order them to run away – from me.
The horrible lies we tell ourselves in ignorance continue with us for all eternity. I dream of when Voyager was preparing to leave. Every crew member put their lives in my hands the vividness of meeting each of their loved ones still overwhelms my unconscious state. They trusted me so much – too much. The tearful goodbyes continue to be the most heartbreaking. It is within those moments that you can truly tell who someone is truly saying goodbye too. The stolen glances and the desired physical contact explodes as brightly as a supernova.
It is within these dreams that I realised that Mark didn't leave me. Instead it was me who deserted him and broke his heart. Intense moments lead to instance feelings. How could I expect him not to notice the extended hugs and lingering glances. Helena and I were close friends, which is what happens when you fight a war together, even though she was my superior. We deluded ourselves into thinking that if we did not act on emotion than we were nothing wrong – that we were faithful after all how wrong we were. In my dreams I can still see her face in the crowd. It was the last one I saw. I didn't see Mark's heartbroken one. A letter was more than I deserved.
My dreams are memories. My memories are constant reminders of where I went wrong. My reality is darkening with every passing moment but that's okay because I can dream.
Even if it destroys me.
A/N: I know there are some out there who think Janeway was straight all the way but please respect that there are some out there who don't. The same goes with her depression, please be respectful but I would love to hear from you readers. It has been a while since I last wrote of a voyager story.
