Homecoming

1

A night at The Crown. It's a Friday and the bar is packed. The patrons are young, all tight pants and eager smiles, reveling, mirthful shadows flitting through panes of orange light. A band plays on stage, their repertoire nothing original but fitting for the occasion. Covers of high school hit songs and some oldies sprinkled in between. The dred-headed singer croons with his eyes closed, his arms open in a gesture of blessing.

Away from the lights in a corner, she sits at a booth with her friends. They're gunning for another round, and she nods at their suggestion to wave over a server. She's deep into three cranberry vodkas, but tonight, Ami doesn't care.

She looks up, swirling her glass in lazy circles. Usagi and Rei, two of her best friends since junior high. They're bickering, of course, their usual routine, but Ami finds it comforting that some things don't change. She drains her glass and sets it down, giggling as Rei makes severing motions at Usagi's neck.

But things do change. It explains why she's drinking so much, why she keeps flicking nervous glances at the bar entrance. She is almost relieved when their new drinks arrive and ignores the little voice in her head to slow down as she grabs the Blue Lemonade and starts sucking on the straw like a greedy infant.

"Wow, someone's thirsty," Usagi says, wearing a huge grin.

Ami shrugs and returns the grin. She catches Rei looking at her with what seems to be concern, but it's too dark to tell. Besides, with the amount of drinks they've put away so far, no one is in the position to play chaperone tonight. Satisfied with that rationalization, Ami drinks until the glass is half empty. The cocktail is pretty much juice. She stirs her straw to make the ice cubes melt faster. She finds it calming to watch them disappear for some reason.

Usagi stretches dramatically and lays her head on Rei's shoulder. "It's almost eleven. When are they getting here?"

Rei checks her phone. "Mina says ETA in 20 minutes. She's in a cab with Mako right now."

Ami stops stirring. "Mina's with Makoto?"

Rei nods. "Yup."

"Oh." She takes the straw from her glass and sets it on a napkin. A burning feeling rises in her chest, and it takes her a moment to realize she's jealous of Minako, sweet Minako who'd never do anything to hurt her. She sighs.

Makoto.

It's been almost two years since she's last spoken to Makoto, and it's ridiculous how so much, and yet so little, has changed.

"So Mako's finally back, huh?" Usagi says. "She's been gone for, what, two years almost?"

"One and a half technically," Rei says.

Usagi sighs, hands on her face. "She's so adventurous. Who else would've taken a double gap-year just to travel the world?"

"Not you, bunhead," Rei says.

"I was being rhetorical, you grump. D'you need another shot? I think that's the problem here, you need another shot. What d'you think, Ami? Does she need another shot? I think we all need another shot."

"For once we agree on something," Rei says, raising her hand to get the server's attention.

"I don't know if I should have another one," Ami drones, rubbing her eyes.

"Don't worry, we'll get lemon shots," Usagi says. "They go down super easy. Oh, and we should order some sides. I'm sure Mina and Mako would like some food too."

"Like there'd be any left when they get here," Rei says.

"Hey! You should know that I'm on a diet now, okay? And where's that damn server? What's taking you so long to get him over here?"

"Ow, you're sitting on my hair, bunhead! Quit it!"

Her friends leaping into another spat, Ami looks to the stage. She recognizes the song the band's playing but doesn't remember what it's called. It's a slower and mellower number and makes her head feel heavy.

Again, the little voice pipes up. That's a wrap for tonight. Go home.

But she knows that won't be happening. Not before she gets some kind of closure. She knows Makoto knows what happened that night two years ago. No grand gestures, no sweeping promises. Theirs was an understanding that silence had set in stone. But nothing could've prepared Ami for the silence that was to follow.

And here she is now, back to first base; a little gloomy, a little glad, and a whole lot anxious and downright pissed off.

The nerve of that girl. Did she think she could waltz back into Ami's life like nothing happened? After ignoring her calls, letters, e-mail and messages for nearly two years?

You're a coward, Makoto Kino.

No. The Makoto she knows is far from a coward. The Makoto she knows is…

An image of green eyes and wavy brown hair flashes across her sight. And then it's gone, just like that, leaving in its wake a bitter taste in her mouth. She feels her heart sink as it dawns on her—

I don't know who she is anymore.

Her thoughts are interrupted by the server, who places three shot glasses on the table.

"Cheers!" Usagi says. Their glasses clink and she downs the stuff in one go. Ami follows suit. All she tastes is lemon and sugar, and she supposes it's a good thing. The band starts another song.

"Oh wow. Didn't they play this at post-prom?" Usagi says.

"Let's not talk about post-prom," Rei says.

Usagi snorts. "What, are you still mad at him? Cut him loose already! At least he was nice."

Rei holds up a hand. "He was and remains a poor excuse of a male, and I hope he never, ever reproduces. No child deserves to inherit such pathetic genes."

"Oh my god, Rei. That is so mean. Okay, he did throw up on you, but that's no reason to hate on him after all this time. Jeez, you went to Catholic school. Whatever happened to redemption? Forgiveness?"

"Ralphing on a Versace dress is fair grounds for condemning a soul to eternal damnation, okay? And think about it. You think you'd be as forgiving if Mamoru did that to you?"

"But my Mamo would never do such a thing to me. Not even by accident!"

"Well bunhead, life is full of surprises and men are gifted at providing the unpleasant ones. Just give it time. You'll see."

Usagi pouts. "Really? You think my Mamo will…"

"I'm joking, dummy. You guys look so happy together it makes me sick. I literally gag at the sight of you together."

They all laugh.

"So you're still not seeing anyone, huh?" Usagi says.

Rei shakes her head.

"Want me to introduce you to one of Mamo's friends?"

"I think you're well aware I don't suffer fools gladly, especially of the cocksure, Ivy League trust-fund baby strain. Not saying that applies to you, Ami. No offense."

Ami smiles. "None taken, but unfortunately I know exactly of what sort you're referring to."

Rei winks. She sits back and crosses her legs. "So, do you still like Cornell? You must be sick of the long winters, girl."

"I actually like the long winters," says Ami. She taps a finger against her glass. "The snow makes everything look beautiful and surreal. Plus, coffee tastes much better in the cold."

"Well, I always suspected you had a masochistic streak, but hey, good for you."

Ami chuckles. "I think you and I have a very different idea of what masochism entails."

Rei shrugs. "All I'm saying is I'd probably hang myself if I went to school where it snowed until April."

"And what about you, Ami?" says Usagi. "Anyone on campus you fancy?"

Ami purses her lips. She starts playing with her straw again. "No. Not at the moment."

Usagi smirks, tilting her head. "Really? I find that hard to believe."

Ami knows she's blushing, but she's too drunk to care about this conversation and figures she might as well spill everything.

"I was actually with someone for a little while. It wasn't anything serious though."

Usagi leans in. "Wow, when was this?"

"Last year."

"How come you never told us?"

Ami shrugs, her lips in a shy smile. "Like I said, it was super casual so…"

Rei nods. "Did it end okay?"

"Yeah, we parted on good terms more or less."

"Can we see a picture of her?" Usagi says, earning a nudge from Rei. "Oh lay off, you're just as curious."

"Um…sure." Ami takes out her phone.

Usagi's eyes go round. "She is gorgeous."

Rei whistles. "So does this woman have a name?"

"Taylor," Ami says.

"How'd you guys meet?" Usagi says.

"We were in the same club. She was the president."

"Upperclassman?"

"Mm-hm. She's a senior."

"You're just full of surprises, you know that?"

Ami laughs softly.

Rei gives the picture another once-over. "She really is pretty, but she doesn't seem like she'd be your type."

Ami gets her phone back. "What d'you mean?"

"I don't know. She looks like she'd fuck your brains out but never tuck you in or let you be her little spoon."

Ami takes in her friend's remark. On some levels, Rei is right, and on second thought, Ami has never considered Taylor as her girlfriend. She feels a petty pride at that admission, even if it stings. She supposes a pyrrhic victory is better than a complete loss.

"I honestly thought you'd prefer someone who'd give off more warmth," says Rei. "Like a teddy bear type, which she certainly isn't."

Ami nods. She remembers the way Taylor would look at her when they made love. Eyes full of desire that whisked her breath away but also frightened her. The memory makes her shiver and brings with it the onset of another truth; Taylor had only sought power. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Was I really that naïve? Ami thinks.

Her mind is drifting to a place she hoped not to venture again. She drags herself before the tribunal of her conscience, which asks her, Why?

Why indeed.

Because I wanted to move on.

Then why are you still holding on?

Because she still matters to me.

You don't matter to her. She made that clear to you. She's no better than Taylor.

She is nothing like Taylor. She is…

See? You don't even know how to finish that thought.

Ami runs a hand through her hair. She drains her glass.

"What do you think it means to really love someone?" she blurts.

Rei narrows her eyes. Usagi looks up from her phone. The silence at the table is taken over by the band.

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me

Don't hurt me

No more

The singer belts out in a falsetto. His voice cracks.

Usagi is the first to break. The giggles start spilling from her lips, spreading to Rei, then to Ami, and the three of them are soon shrieking in laughter, their hands clutching their sides, their eyes swimming in tears.

"That was fucking great," Rei says, wiping at her eyes. "How does that even happen?"

"She paid the band to do it," Usagi says. "There's no other explanation."

Ami covers her mouth with a hand to stifle the remnants of her laughter. When she's gathered herself, she sighs and rubs her cheeks. "I am so drunk."

"Here, drink some water," Rei says. "Anyway, back to your question. What does it mean to love someone? What does it mean indeed? Miss Brainiac is in desperate need of answers."

Ami shrugs. "I'm only asking because my—and I use this term very liberally—relationship with Taylor had me mulling over certain things."

"What sort of things?" Rei says.

"Mm. For instance, how some people can partake in physical pleasure but remain so distant. I've always figured the natural course of carnal attraction would be geared towards emotional fulfilment, but I've never been proven more wrong." Ami trails off. She suddenly wants to cry but steels herself.

"I get it," Rei says. She twirls a lock of her black hair around a finger. "You don't understand how some people can sleep together and pretend that nothing's there."

Ami nods.

"But that's just college for you," Usagi says. "Once we're away from the parents, we let our hormones take over, and sometimes they play some nasty mind tricks on us."

"That's very helpful, Usagi," says Rei.

"What? It's true! Everyone's super hormonal in college! It doesn't get any better just because you graduate high school!"

"This Taylor…she really did a number on you, didn't she," Rei says, clapping a hand over Usagi's mouth.

"I was stupid."

"It's not your fault, girl."

"Ehh."

"That's right!" Usagi twists away from Rei to slam a fist on the table, rattling their glasses. "There's plenty of hens in the coop!"

Rei shakes her head. "I swear, you and Mina…is misquoting every goddamn idiom a symptom of being blonde?"

"Why are you always so mean to me?"

"Don't flatter yourself. I hate everybody."

"Usagi?" Ami interjects.

"Yeah?"

"You love Mamoru, right?"

Usagi tilts her head. "Wha-? Of course I do! We were meant to be!"

Rei crumples her face.

"What makes you so sure?" Ami says. She cringes at the dry tone of her question, but Usagi only smiles.

The blonde sighs again, her smile growing. "It's hard to explain. Like, the other day when he came over we were watching a movie, and I dropped the remote and it went under the coffee table, right? So I bent down to get it, and all of a sudden I felt his hand on the back of my head. When I sat back up I asked him, what was that? And he said, you were about to hit your head." She squeals. "He thought I was gonna hit my head against the coffee table, so he used his own hand as a cushion!"

She pauses, her eyes matching the brightness of stars. "Yeah, that one little gesture got me feeling all warm and tingly for the whole day. I mean, it was no parade, but it meant enough to tell me that yeah, I love this guy, I really do. And the best part is, he feels the same way about me."

Usagi's smile is contagious, but Ami takes no comfort in it. If anything, her jealousy only grows. Why did Usagi have it so simple? Ami shakes her head. No, it never has been simple. How could she forget the days when Usagi cried on her shoulder from the countless times Mamoru acted like a dumbass? How could she even think to compare her situation to her friend's? For all of her flaws, Usagi has invested so much into her relationship, and it's only natural she's been reaping the fruits of her efforts.

And what have I done? Ami thinks.

Nothing. I didn't try hard enough. That's why she didn't respond to me.

That is nonsense. She didn't respond because she doesn't like you that way. We've already gone over this.

You don't know that.

I know enough.

Ugh, be quiet. My life is plenty complicated without you buzzing around in my head.

"Don't ever change, dummy," Rei says, pulling Usagi into a hug.

Usagi pats her friend on the head. "I love you too."

Rei makes a small sound of approval. She looks at Ami. "Fuck your club president. We'll find you a nice girl to take home tonight."

Ami shakes her head. Just then, a familiar tune draws her eyes to the stage once more.

"Hey, wasn't this song in Bridget Jones' Diary?" Usagi says.

"Yeah. What is it, uh…" Rei snaps her fingers.

"SomeoneLikeYou," Ami says.

"There you go," Rei says. She also looks at the stage. "Mr. Wannabe Rasta's no Dinah Carroll, but I guess Van Morrison would still approve, am I right?"

Ami laughs.

"Who's Van Morrison?" Usagi says.

"Don't worry about it," Rei says.

"Aw c'mon! Tell me!"

As her friends brew into another quarrel, Ami lets her eyes linger on the stage and the people around it. The lights are certainly brighter than before, and the music sounds crisper. In the middle of the crowd, a couple stands out to her. They are both women, and one is taller than the other.

I've been doing some soul searching

To find out where you're at

A wistful smile settles on Ami's face. The taller woman is a redhead, but her hair's in a high ponytail just like Makoto's.

I've been up and down the highway

In all kinds of foreign lands

This is the song Makoto played from her phone. Ami wonders if she still keeps it in her rose-patterned phone case, the one she gave Makoto for her birthday.

Someone like you

You make it all worthwhile

The couple draws closer to each other, their lips only inches apart. Anyone can see that this is their song. The song that lays their hearts bare with not a single word exchanged. The song that locks them in their embrace.

Someone like you

Keeps me satisfied

Someone exactly like you

This is the song she and Makoto danced to at the park. 12:45 AM, post-prom long forgotten. She can never forget how beautiful Makoto looked then. Dark-brown hair auburn in the moonlight. Eyes deep wells of forest-green. Lips so full, so enticing, so inviting.

I've been all around the world

Marching to the beat of a different drum

This is the song she would dedicate to Makoto. None other would do her justice.

But just lately I've realized

Baby the best is yet to come

Ami feels her lips tremble. It's only when she blinks that she tastes the salt on her lips.

Someone like you

You make it all worthwhile

The tears course down her cheeks, and she knows why.

Someone like you

Keeps me satisfied

For this is the song that marked the end.

"Ami?" She flinches at the sound of her name. "Are you okay?"

She turns back to her friends and grabs a napkin to dab at her eyes. "I'm fine, Usagi."

Rei reaches over and takes her hand. "Girl, what's the matter?"

"Nothing. I…I just got overly nostalgic, that's all."

Rei squeezes her hand. "You know you can tell us anything, right?"

Ami smiles, but only because she'll cry again if she doesn't. "I know. I just started thinking about old times and I guess…everything just caught up to me."

Her friends give her dubious looks, but they change the topic to her relief. She's feeling so many things at once that it's almost making her nauseous. Makoto will arrive soon and there's nothing that she can do about it. She could drunk-dial Taylor as a last-minute escape, but to what end? Just to hear the same old it was fun while it lasted bullshit?

Screw that. Let her come. Ami feels her knuckles tighten.

Let her come so she'll get her just deserts.

She waves at a server. "Three more lemon shots please!"