Author's Note: If a disclaimer falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound? Lyrics by Hozier, characters by people who don't love them like I love them.


"Kai!"

He doesn't need to hear her roar or the heels of her boots stomping up the staircase and down the hallway to know she's angry. He can sense it, feel her through the wooden floors of the old boarding house. And, boy, is she mad. The echoes of doors opening and being slammed shut, her enraged groans when her search for him turns up fruitless, well, that's just icing.

Once she takes a deep breath and centers, she gets a read on him. So she charges. Into her room to find him laying on her bed, his head resting on her pillows, his shoes on her comforter. He's everywhere and she can't rid herself of him.

Her hand shoots out, a flurry of magic hitting him square in the chest. He calls out in pain, curls into the fetal position on his side. Once it passes, he straightens, sits up, and smiles at her. No. What he does, she can't consider a smile. It drips with pleasure but of a sinister sort. It angers her even more.

A heavy exhale falls from his mouth. "Now that hit the spot." He slides to the foot of the bed, towards her, and stands to his feet. "I gotta say, we should do this again sometime."

He goes to walk out, away from her, so she turns and throws another spell at his back. The force of it jolts him forward and he collides with the wall. A portrait older than the both of them combined falls and the canvas rips on the corner of a dresser. Neither cares. Kai pushes off the wall, the muscles in his back rippling under his gray shirt. When he faces her, his tongue licks at the blood from his split lip.

"Honestly, I don't know what I did to deserve such a warm greeting, but–"

"You know exactly what you did."

"Oh, you mean the car?"

"Cars."

Outside in the car park, the Camaro sits with its hood open and its engine in a million metal pieces across the lawn. Inconvenient, yes, but he did the same thing to every car in a five mile radius. It's not that he doubts her determination, but like she's really going to bike out of town… Not when every bicycle in Mystic Falls has been relieved of its wheels.

He snaps his fingers. "Right! Cars. I totally forgot I did that. Wait, are you sure? All of them? Did you check?"

"Every. Last. One. I lost count of how many garage windows I've climbed in and out of."

"There's that patience of yours… You, Bonnie Bennett, would give Job a run for his money."

Another spell hits him, this time aimed at his head, and he groans. As good as the magic feels, he's not in the mood for a concussion. "So I cut you off at the knees. It's what we do! It's our shtick. You thwart my chances at leaving this prison, I thwart your chances of leaving without me."

"Is that what you call it? Shtick? Like, this is just some lighthearted back and forth, give and take between us? For kicks and giggles?" She scoffs. "You are deluded."

"And you are not getting rid of me."

"Well. At least I'll have fun killing you."

She preps another spell, the windows flying open, the door swinging shut. The wind whips around them and she throws another wave of power at him. It's enough that he crumples to his knees, but he does so laughing. She's frustrated, he can tell. The crease between her eyebrows, the knuckles of her tight, tiny fists growing paler.

"I don't think you get it, Bonnie. Your little incantations can't hurt me. Not really." He gets up and gets serious. "I siphon magic. I'm like a sponge. Sure, the magic hitting my system won't stick, not like if I held your hand and took it. It's fleeting. A bee sting. But what you're trying to do…it won't work."

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean, my sister used to get mad and throw her magic all willy-nilly at me but she wasn't nearly as a good of a witch as you are. And, wow, okay, I must have made you really mad because a couple of those actually stung, but." He folds his arms over his chest. "You wanna inflict some real damage, you're gonna have to touch me."

She chuckles. "Ha, good one. I touch you, you steal my magic. Knock me out long enough to set up your next prank? No way."

"Bon. I siphon magic. Ergo, I cannot be hurt by it. You wanna kill me? You stick a pen in my neck, you put a pickaxe into my chest. You want me dead, then I'm afraid you gotta get your hands dirty."

Bonnie narrows her gaze on him. His smug as all hell grin, his defiant stance, the fact that he knew she'd be pissed at him so he sat here, in her room, waiting for her. The fucking gall this guy has.

"You're winding me up."

"Nice to know I'm good at something. I'm also right." His eyebrows go up in a victorious arch. "So, you mad enough to kill me or can I go start dinner?"

When she doesn't respond quickly enough, he nods to himself and walks out.


She doesn't meet his eyes when she enters the kitchen. Instead, she roots through the cabinets for two wine glasses, sets them on the table, and proceeds to pour a bottle of red she found in the basement. Something with an Italian name, corked in the seventies. She doubts it'll be missed. The scent of warm bread envelopes her but she has to stay strong, stay present. She doesn't care how good of a cook he is, she won't be distracted.

"Wine and pigs in a blanket. Interesting combo, but I like where your head's at, Bon."

Her back is to him, so she allows herself an eyeroll. "I'm still extremely mad at you for the car thing, but…" She turns around, her smile saccharine. "We can still be civil, can't we? We are adults, after all."

She goes to hand him his glass, but he's got one of his pigs tucked inside his cheek like a squirrel harboring nuts for winter. "Well, one of us is."

He swallows, grins. "If this is you seducing me, I can see it from a mile away."

His fingers wrap around the stem of the glass and she's careful to not graze them with hers. He takes a sip and she steps back, perching on the edge of the table. "Please. Seduction isn't really my thing. I wouldn't even know where to start."

"Me finding you naked in my bed is an option."

"First of all, that would only happen in your wildest dreams. Second of all, isn't seduction supposed to be discrete? Demure? Something you don't see coming?"

"I see everything coming," he says, and he gives her body an obvious once-over for emphasis.

While her default response would be repulsion, a flush of heat runs up her spine. She swigs her wine to hide the blush she couldn't stop. Clears her throat. "I've never been the distraction, just the secret weapon."

"Then you have not been used to your fullest potential. Bennetts aren't just powerful, they are pretty bitchin', too. There was this one girl. She used to hang around your Grams whenever she came to visit my dad and talk coven related things. We were both sixteen, she was hot, I had braces but I was very handsome. And, okay, it was only lasted a weekend but, oh, it was real."

Bonnie clenches her face, glances back at the wine bottle. 1972. The year Kai was born. Also, the year…her mother was born. "You mean, Abby Bennett? You dated my mom?"

"Did I say date? No. She was hot, I tried to kiss her, and she slapped me. I'm sure there's a polaroid of the black eye she gave me floating around somewhere. But, it was still very real."

Bonnie moves forward, leans against the kitchen island to look at the steaming baking sheet he'd pulled from the oven. Then she looks pointedly up at Kai. "Sorry. I don't eat pig."

He sets the glass down and places his palms squarely on the counter. "If not for me, then do it for yourself. When we get out of here, it would sadden me to know you were wasting what the good lord gave you."

"And my appetite has vanished." She downs the rest of her wine and turns for a refill. When she turns back he's right in front of her and reaching for her glass, which he sets on the table. "What are you—"

But he's already doing it. Tugging at her collar so her maroon shirt slips down one shoulder, tucking a chunk of hair behind her ear, and he's gentle about it. Then he takes her cheeks between his thumbs and curved forefingers and pinches. "Ow!"

"Stop being a baby," he admonishes her then squints at her. He licks his lips, looks away, then meets her annoyed gaze. "I mean this with all the tact and respect I can muster…"

She gives him a look that gives him permission to ask, so he does. "Are you are virgin?"

"No."

He can tell she's anxious, the way his touch makes her flinch. "Are you sure?"

"Very sure." She frowns. "What does that even have to do with—"

"I don't need vampire senses to hear your heart going haywire right now."

"You could steal my magic at any moment. So, yeah, I'm a little nervous."

"The eclipse is done for today. There'd be no point."

"…Are you trying to teach me how to seduce someone?" She snorts, "You?" She can't hide her amusement so she doesn't try. Her face breaks into the biggest grin, wet, white teeth gleaming.

"I know what I'm doing. You were pretty smitten until Damon's unnecessary commentary got in the way."

"I think you mean me piecing together that you murdered your family got in the way."

He shrugs. "Semantics." His fingers glide from her shoulders to her bare forearms, down to her wrists.

Bonnie bites against the growing urge to shiver at his feather-light touch. "So…this is what turns you on? Rosy cheeks and the eighties off-the-shoulder look?"

His hand tips her chin upwards and he looks down his nose at her. "This would turn on anyone with a pulse. I blame vampirism for why Damon wasn't all over you by day two of you guys getting stuck here."

She rolls her eyes, green marbles flickering in the light of the fire, and ignores that last comment. "Someone's been reading Cosmo."

"Growing up, it was either that or Dr. Seuss." Kai purses his lips. In her absentmindedness, Bonnie's running her fingertips along his arm, elbow to wrist. And his hand is still under her jaw, resting on her neck.

He swallows. "Cleavage, preferably, but skin. Lots of skin. Men, in particular, are visually stimulated creatures. Rosy cheeks are a subconscious indicator that your sympathetic nervous system is at work. Blushing means increased heart rate, eyes…" Bonnie's eyes are more black pupils than they are green irises. "..dilated."

"Ever thought about being a doctor? You obviously don't have a problem with blood."

"It's the Hippocratic Oath that puts a damper on that dream."

She blinks, eyelashes momentarily sweeping her pink cheeks, and he thinks her eyelids have gone heavy, but no. She's looking at his mouth. So, he smirks. It doesn't matter who leans in first, but it's hard to ignore the fact that Bonnie purposefully gets on the balls of her feet to meet his lips. Neither would consider that initial kiss chaste, but it is sweet, tentative. It's been a while since she's kissed a guy and she has her reservations over whether or not he's ever actually been with anyone.

It doesn't take much for the kiss to deepen. Bonnie moving her arms up his shoulders, her fingers slipping into his hair. He leans into her, dipping her towards the table. When it doesn't seem like she's going to pull an Abby and slap him, he adjusts. Hands gripping at her thick thighs and lifting so she's sitting on the table. She sighs into his mouth, pulls him closer by wrapping her legs around his waist. As her back hits the table, he topples on top of her, his hand coming down and breaking her glass when he tries to gain leverage.

She gasps and their mouths finally separate. His grey eyes have gone black and she has a little trouble breathing. The wine pools underneath her and, in that moment, he longs to rip her clothes off and lick her dry.

"This doesn't mean I forgive you for the car thing."

"You shouldn't. Even if you happened to find a car that I missed, there are traffic spikes at every exit out of town."

She growls and grabs fists full of his t-shirt, yanking him back to her. He goes for her neck, the side where he'd exposed her shoulder, drags his teeth against her throbbing veins. Her leg hikes up, the heel of her boot digging into the small of his back. There's a stinging at his left palm and because that hand is currently making its way under her shirt and over her breast, he thinks it's due to Bonnie's magic repelling him. Only a second later does he realize his hand is bleeding from the broken glass. He lifts his head to look at Bonnie but she's quick to capture his lips again, so he puts it out of his mind.

If this is Kai's first time being with a girl, then Bonnie's impressed. The way he teases her, his tongue flicking against her teeth before diving into her mouth. How he holds his body weight against the table instead of completely on her, no matter how close she pulls him in. How he thinks past the pain because of course she knows his hand is bleeding. Years of being around vampires and casting spells, she's grown familiar with the smell.

He abandons her mouth, makes his way south. He flips up the hem of her shirt and trails kisses down her abdomen, licks at the dip of her navel. Her back arches the closer he gets to her waistline and her hand reaches out for the table to gain traction. Kai glances up and smiles against her sensitive skin, kisses her stomach before coming up again.

"See? There are perks to being around me."

"You're disgusting."

"Filthy."

He kisses her, not giving himself time to be shocked that this is happening because he doesn't want to miss a second of it. Her hands are going to work at his belt and, yeah, he's enjoying this. Then there's a sharp pain at his inner thigh and he clenches, stumbling away from her. A part of the shattered glass stem juts from his leg, blood pumping out profusely. She got his femoral artery. He has, like, what, fifteen, thirty seconds before he bleeds out?

Kai falls backwards to the floor and gazes up at Bonnie. She shakes shards of glass from her hair and pulls down the front of her shirt, blatantly tugging her sleeve back up her shoulder. He gives an indulgent laugh. "Ah, I thought you'd never take the hint..."

He watches her as she bounces off the table and retreats from the kitchen. Before he blacks out, it does not go unnoticed by him that she takes his glass of wine with her.

but I don't know what else that I would do than try to kiss the skin that crawls from you...