Hey guys! I'm back to the usual posting schedule now. First of all I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, and will have a nice New Year too. Here's a brand new story for you! This is an AU of 'Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets" with some Cas backstory.

So while this is a n episode AU it's not as drastic of a change as some of my AUs are, most of the changes happen later, but the first part is kind of an 'extended edition' of the episode. There will be lots of dialogue taken from the show which obviously wasn't originally mine. There's also a lot of flashbacks with Cas backstory that probably has a lot of head-canon about angels and their garrisons. The flashback storyline kind of ended up sounding like a classic military adventure series because for some reason I was channeling Horatio Hornblower and Richard Sharpe story lines when I wrote it LOL But as always I hope you all enjoy!

The Unforgiven

A Supernatural Fanfic

Chapter One

Castiel stared at the boards he had set up in the war room in the bunker where he put all the information he had collected on Kelly Kline. Newspaper articles, security camera footage, maps marked with places she could be, or routs she could have taken…it was an organized disaster, and even though he had put it together, hoping it would help him see the bigger picture more clearly, he found it was doing no such thing. He was just as unsure of where the woman had gone now as he had been before. He was about ready to give up the idea of ever finding Kelly Kline.

Except he couldn't. He didn't have that luxury. Kelly was carrying a nephillim, Lucifer's own child, and the danger that child could bring to the world, the pure catastrophic power it could accomplish, there was nothing that truly scared Castiel more.

He took a deep sigh, and lowered his head into his hands, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He had a slight headache behind his eyes, something that didn't typically happen to him, but this was enough to give even an angel a headache.

He pushed off from the table he had been leaning against and headed for the kitchen. Perhaps some more coffee would be in order. Besides, it was almost time for Sam and Dean to be up and they would definitely want coffee.

Castiel felt a dull ache start in his gut as he thought of the Winchesters. Well…Dean in particular. The elder Winchester had practically been ignoring him since he had killed Billie the reaper. Castiel was happy to ignore him back for as long as Dean thought that would work, but he just wished he understood where his friend was coming from. Why Dean was so angry. After all, Castiel had saved him and Sam—had saved Mary. He knew he wasn't in the wrong; he couldn't stand to lose any of his friends, his family. He just wondered why Dean took so much offense to his actions. Did Dean want to die so badly that he hated Cas for taking that opportunity away from him?

Castiel sighed heavily as he poured water into the pot and measured out the coffee grounds. He knew that eventually they were going to have to discuss it, though, frankly, even the idea of trying to drag anything like that out of Dean was exhausting; and from the looks Sam was increasingly shooting his brother these days, he had no better idea about what Dean's problem was than Castiel did.

Castiel turned on the coffee pot and went over to the cupboard to grab a cup when a voice suddenly tore into his head, stopping him for a second, furrowing his brow.

He never listened into angel radio anymore, not unless he was contacted directly, like he was now.

Castiel, the voice called. Please, anyone! If you can hear me, I need help! Please come, please, I need—

The voice cut off suddenly and Castiel staggered. He clutched the countertop, sucking in a breath as he straightened, his dull headache worse now after the voice invaded his mind. But it was a familiar voice, one of an old friend.

"Benjamin," Castiel breathed out loud. He hadn't even known Benjamin was still alive. As sad as it was, he hadn't had the opportunity to follow up on any of his old comrades, even the ones he had been particularly close with, and he and Benjamin had been close—they'd fought in the same garrison for a while…Castiel shook off those old memories. He didn't want to go there now, though it was almost impossible to think of Benjamin without remembering everything else.

It was then he heard voices further in the bunker and knew Sam and Dean were up. Castiel realized that the coffee had finished brewing, and he had been standing there longer than he thought.

He snapped into action then. If Benjamin was in trouble, and had taken the time to call out to him personally, then Castiel would answer. He had been able to do so little for his brothers and sisters of late that he felt he had to do this, even though he would have always come if Benjamin called anyway. He always had in the past.

He shook off the shock of hearing from his old friend again, and strode out of the kitchen and towed the war room where he had caught the tail end of Sam and Dean's conversation, hesitating only slightly, as he wondered whether he should interrupt or not.

"Look," Sam's voice came down the hallway. "Cas killed Billie, but he saved us. He saved Mom. How long as you gonna stay pissed?"

"I'm not pissed that he cares about us, you know," Dean retorted. "I'm grateful. But Billie said that there would be cosmic consequences if that deal got broken—you have any idea what that means?"

"No," Sam replied, in a drawn out voice.

"Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure it ain't jellybeans and g-strings."

Castiel wanted to sigh again. Of course he wasn't an idiot. He too, knew that nothing good could come of these 'cosmic consequences'. But nor did he regret his actions. He certainly wasn't going to apologize for it, no matter where it led. He was just glad it was him that would likely take the brunt of it this time instead of the Winchesters.

"My point is," Sam continued as Cas decided it was time to join the brothers. "Cas thought he was doing the right thing."

"I was doing the right thing," he couldn't help but say with some annoyance as he stepped into the room.

"You sure about that?" Dean asked, not even looking at Castiel, making him even more frustrated with the elder Winchester. The least he could do was tell him his issues to his face.

"Yes," he insisted with a short exasperated sigh.

"Well, I'm not so sure," Dean grunted. "And when the other shoe drops…"

"I'll deal with it," Castiel replied wearily. He continued past the Winchesters toward the stairs leading to the bunker's exit. "There's fresh coffee in the kitchen. I need to go."

Sam perked up with interest, beginning to get up from the chair he had been perched in. "You got a lead on Kelly?"

"No," Castiel hesitated, turning around. "This is personal." He hoped that might be enough to keep the Winchesters from following him. He wasn't sure he wanted them to come with him on this. Wasn't sure he wanted them to see any old wounds that might open due to the nature of this mission.

Of course, Dean was instantly on the alert. "Meaning what?" he demanded.

Castiel bristled, but tried to keep civil. After all, he could understand Dean's worry. What with 'cosmic consequences' hanging over their heads and all. Castiel knew they at least deserved to know why he was leaving, otherwise, they might get even more suspicious than they already had.

"Another angel, and old friend, he called out for help."

"Oh, good old, reliable angel radio," Dean said condescendingly.

"He was begging for help," Castiel explained a little sharply. "And then he just stopped. I need to know if he's still alive."

"Yeah, alright," Sam said, standing up. "We'll come with you."

Castiel cast a quick glance between the two brothers, lingering with narrowed eyes on Dean before turning back to address Sam. "Both of you?"

Sam shifted and turned to look at his brother expectantly.

Dean rolled his eyes slightly and stood from where he had been perched on the edge of the table. "Sure," he said. "We can help. And make sure you don't do anything else stupid."

Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly, as Sam imitated his reaction, shooting a look at his brother. Dean just ignored them and pushed away from the table. "Let's get ready to go then. We leave in ten."

He strode from the room and Castiel watched him go with a mixture of emotions he wasn't even sure how to read himself. Part of him was angry at Dean's reaction; another part was wondering whether Dean wasn't justified. But again, he wasn't going to regret his decision. Not when he still had both brothers and Mary alive and well.

"Cas," Sam said with a sigh. "Look, man, I'm sorry about Dean. You know how he gets. Just give him some time. He'll come around again. He always does."

"Yes," Castiel replied wearily and turned to the younger Winchester. "Don't worry about it. I just want to go and see if my friend is all right."

Sam shifted, mouth quirking as if he wanted to say something else, but Dean came back into the room then, bags slung over his shoulder and thermoses full of coffee, and nodded toward the steps. "Well, what are we waiting for? If we're going, let's go!"

Sam and Castiel shared a look as Dean preceded them up the steps.

Castiel felt even more exhausted than he had before. This was going to be a rough trip.


The silence in the Impala on their drive was exactly what Castiel had expected. Dean stared at the road ahead, brooding, as Castiel watched the rain slip across the windows from his seat in the back.

Sam seemed to find the heavy silence annoying, because he started fidgeting, and finally reached for the radio. "Alright, who wants music?"

"I'm good," Dean said instantly.

"You're…" Sam gave a small, exasperated grunt in the back of his throat, obviously deciding it wasn't worth it to get into it with his brother now. "Okay."

A few seconds later he turned back to look at Castiel, who really didn't want to talk right now, even to Sam, who he really didn't have a problem with. In fact he felt bad for the younger Winchester, obviously doing his best to play advocate between Castiel and Dean.

"Cas, is there anything specific we should know about your friend?" Sam asked.

Castiel turned to look out the window again. Just the mention of Benjamin made his stomach turn. He had a feeling something horrible had happened to him, after all this time, after all the struggles they had been through.

Unfortunately, the silence seemed to only exasperate Sam more. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alright, guys…this…silent treatment thing, it's silly, it's not gonna work. Whatever we're walking into we should probably have, you know, an actual plan."

Castiel sighed, knowing Sam was right. "What do you want to know?"

"Oh, he speaks," Dean snarked.

Castiel shot a look at the back of his head as Sam shook his head, closing his eyes. "Alright, enough. Cas, you said when you heard Benjamin, he was screaming."

A pang went through Castiel at the pain he had felt through Benjamin's call for help. "It was um….Look, Benjamin wouldn't call for help lightly, and he wouldn't put himself in harm's way if he could help it."

"Wow, this Benjamin seems like he's pretty cool," Dean spoke up. "You know, like he wouldn't make any…half-cocked, knee-jerk choices."

Castiel was just about fed up with the elder Winchester. "Yeah, you know what I like about him is that he's sarcastic, but he's thoughtful and appreciative too," he couldn't help but say.

Dean whipped around to look at him. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked indignantly.

"Okay, okay, road! Dean watch the road!" Sam cried, reaching for the wheel as Dean veered into the oncoming lane.

"Got it," Dean growled as Sam shook his head.

"Anything else, Cas?" the younger brother aksed.

Castiel sighed. He may as well tell them all he could. Now that his shock was wearing off, he was thinking more about Benjamin's call for help himself and the possible reasons why he would go to these lengths now after all this time. "Benjamin was always very careful," he told Sam. "Long ago, he found a powerfully devout vessel in Madrid, and her faith…" he tried to put it into words, but it was hard. The Winchesters couldn't truly fathom what it was like to take a vessel, especially one who truly fit with an angel's grace—a true vessel. Just the memory of seeing how Benjamin's grace sang all the brighter when it was linked with Selene's soul stirred an ache in his chest. "She gave him everything," he said finally. "Her trust, and her body."

"Wait, so, Benjamin's a woman," Dean interrupted.

Cas rolled his eyes at the inane statement. Of course that was what Dean would get hung up on. "Benjamin's an angel," he said slowly so Dean could understand. "His vessel's a woman. But it's more than that, she's not just his vessel, she's…" He tried to search for the true term, but couldn't really put into words what it was like.

"She's…his friend," Sam offered for him, sounding like he at least had understood.

Castiel shrugged. At its core, that was the truth, after all. Benjamin had counted Selene his dearest friend. Perhaps even above the others in their garrison. "Yeah," he conceded. "Benjamin would never put her in unnecessary danger."

"Okay, then, if this Benjamin is so careful, then what happened?" Dean asked, sounding a little more understanding at least.

"I don't know," Castiel replied regretfully. "That's what I need to find out."

They fell into silence again, but this time, Castiel didn't notice so much. His mind was going back, unbidden, to old memories, ones he had tried, for the most part, to suppress over the years, too much pain having come of them. But now, after hearing Benjamin's voice, he was unable to think of anything else.

He closed his eyes as he remembered the first day he had truly gotten to know his friend—and everything that had come after that.


Castiel walked into the barracks, looking around. He felt a small bit of trepidation being assigned to a new garrison, but perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. After all, it would be a new start, and that was exactly what he needed. At least, that's what Zachariah had told him, and he was probably right. As much as Castiel didn't care for the seraph, Zachariah was in charge and what he said was to be obeyed and understood. He glanced down slightly, as a heaviness washed over him. Things just hadn't been the same since Gabriel left.

Another angel came in and offered Castiel a smile.

"You're Castiel," he said. "We don't know each other very well, but I know of you. I'm Benjamin."

Castiel smiled and inclined his head. "It's good to meet you Benjamin. I have seen you around too."

"So you just got transferred to this garrison?" Benjamin asked.

Castiel sighed slightly. "Yes."

Benjamin grinned and clapped him on the back. "Don't be so sad, it's not too bad. Well, not really anyway." He led him off through the barracks. "I'll show you around, let you meet the other angels."

Castiel followed him and met so many faces that he would come to know well over the years—so many faces that would cause him pain.

"That's Mirabelle, she's Ishim' lieutenant—not very fun, kind of has a stick up her arse, you know? And that's Akobel, he's kind of a scholar. Always has his face buried in a scroll. Over there is Rebekah and Micah…"

Castiel smiled at all of the angels in turn. Some of them he knew better than others. Rebekah, he knew had once been a healer, quiet, and somewhat sensitive, he thought. Her common form was pretty, with fawn colored hair and big green eyes.

Micah was younger than most of them, curly sandy blond hair hanging almost over his eyes. They both smiled at Castiel in greeting though, welcoming him.

Benjamin introduced him to all the angels in the barracks at the moment, and then brought him around again. "Come on, I'll show you where our armory is. And we train every morning, though, you're probably used to that."

As they were walking out the door of the barracks though, Castiel nearly collided with another angel. Older, a hard glint in his grey eyes.

"Sorry," Castiel said quickly.

The angel looked like he was about to chew him out, but Benjamin quickly stepped in. "Ishim, this is Castiel. The new recruit."

Ishim's scrutiny made Castiel feel uncomfortable, as did the way Benjamin stood up straight and the instant hush that had fallen behind them among the other angels in the barracks.

Ishim finally spoke. "Of course. Zachariah said he was sending you to me today. He said this was a new start for you. Well, I'll make sure you keep on track here. Everyone does."

Castiel didn't know why that made him wary. Not then. It wasn't until later that he realized exactly what Zachariah had done by sending Castiel to be under Ishim's command. Castiel may have known something was wrong then, but it wasn't until he truly saw the monster that Ishim carried underneath his skin, that Castiel began to see not only him, but angels in general differently. Perhaps that was where he had truly started doubting Heaven as a whole, maybe that just came later, but either way, he knew there was something very wrong about the way Ishim ran his garrison.


"Cas?"

Castiel started out of his thoughts, as his name was called. He blinked, shaking his head slightly to clear the old memories away and glanced up to see Sam staring over the backseat of the Impala.

"We're here," the younger Winchester told him. "We're just getting a motel room so we can change and then go check at the police station to see if anything strange has been going on."

Castiel nodded. "Yes. Good idea." Truthfully, he was getting more and more worried on the drive there. He'd tried calling out several times through angel radio to Benjamin but he'd only gotten silence in return. He was already expecting the worse. He would be extremely surprised if Benjamin was still alive.

"Cas, you okay?" Sam asked then, a concerned furrow between his brows.

He took a deep breath. "Yes, I just…need to figure out what happened to him, that's all."

Sam nodded in understanding and then Dean came back with the room key.

"Alright, come on, let's do this."

Castiel bristled slightly. Of course Dean would somehow make this his investigation as opposed to letting Castiel take the lead, but he wasn't in the mood to argue with the hunter right now. He was just interested in getting to Benjamin as quickly as possible.

He waited for Sam and Dean to change into their FBI suits and then they headed toward to local police station. After inquiring about unusual incidents, they were directed to what seemed to be labeled a 'cult killing' at a bar in town.

So they made their way there, on another awkwardly silent the car ride. Castiel sat in the backseat, hands clenched in his lap, fear knotting his stomach, but there was also some small hope left that maybe it hadn't been Benjamin who was killed. Maybe he had managed to overpower his attacker and get away.

But as they stepped into the Megabyte Bar, that looked like an arcade with added alcohol, Castiel instantly saw the macabre sight against the back wall.

The burned out patches of angel's wings.