I wondered for a long time what the difference was between being a virgin and being innocent. Because, surely, those who had given up the former were not the latter?

I believed that until I was fourteen years old. I lost my innocence at fourteen, when the only father-like figure I'd ever known was murdered in a country thousands of miles away. I was so shocked, so hurt, because he'd promised he'd come home. He promised us; Near, Matt, and I. He always came home, always, and it was very hard to accept that that time…. he wasn't going to come home. We weren't going to see him ever again.

I ran away, after that. I just packed my bags and ran off, purchased a plane ticket to LA and never looked back. I joined the Mafia a year later, after buying a gun and redoing my entire wardrobe and attitude.

While I was with the Mafia, a lot of girls tried to take something I had always believed was worth something. They wanted sex- my virginity. I never gave in, though, because even though I knew, logically, I wasn't anywhere near innocent at that point, I held onto what my mother always told me- that I should save it for someone that I loved- give it up when I was certain it was what I wanted. And I had no desire for any of the girls.

Matt found me a while later, when I was seventeen. He was a welcome sight at that point, because I really hated everything else about my life. I welcomed him with open arms, and I was happy, for a while. Really happy, actually, because we fell right into our old routine, and he didn't judge me for anything I did.

He told me that he'd already given his virginity up a while ago- to some whore just outside of Sacramento in return for money and information. I knew that his virginity wasn't something Matt had ever found value in, but it still shocked me. My first thought was about how he'd lost his innocence to that bitch- but I knew that wasn't true. He'd lost it, sure, but not because of sex. Because of what he'd seen, and done.

I was twenty, and had already blown up a building, been scarred, killed, and nearly been killed, stolen, cheated, and lied before I lost my virginity. I was, by no means, innocent.

But when I was lying on the bed and Matt pressed kisses to my neck as I worked through the pain, I couldn't help but think about how much of a child I felt- doing it for the first time. How innocent.

What a joke.

Neither of us were innocent. Neither of us were virgins. But I knew Matt had lost his innocence after me, even though he'd been fifteen when he lost his virginity, and I twenty. In the end, it didn't matter. What mattered was that Matt and I were together, and we made it through-

Innocence and virginity be damned.