A/N: So uhh, this is the first part of my one shot I started writing last year that turned into a three-shot :)

Chapter One:

Iruka's trip home had been a long one, his eagerness to return making a week of travel feel like years. He hadn't set eyes on his home village for two years, the aftermath of the Fourth World Shinobi War keeping him aboard as an ambassador for the hidden leaf. Peace had finally come for the world of ninja and all sides were working hard to hold onto it. He had always thought it an impossible dream, to find himself in a time where ninja united; fought for all equally and without agenda. His two years had been well spent meeting with his fellows from every province, sharing what were once highly guarded secrets with one another and forming not only treaties but bonds as well. They all had the war in common and all sides had lost something. They shared the cost and grieved for it together.

Taking his last step from his forest road to land softly on the forest floor, Iruka practically breathed in the sight before him. He had just crossed the border into the hidden leaf, the familiar scenery of lush green trees welcoming him home. Somehow, they looked so much better than the trees five feet behind him. A wide smile spread across his face-he was home. Drinking in the sight Iruka leapt onto a high branch, readying himself for his journey to the village. It really had been too long.


"Ma~, sensei-you shouldn't worry so much."

The teacher in question jumped slightly at the unexpected voice. "Ah, Kakashi-san," he greeted the other man with a nod. He'd been lost in thought and hadn't even noticed the copy-nin occupy the once-empty seat beside him. "Worry?"

Kakashi nodded sagely. "You'll get wrinkles at the rate you're going," he stated, his eye trained on his ever present book.

The younger man frowned. "Wrinkles?" he repeated.

"Ah-ah Sensei-frowning will only get you there faster," his uncovered eye focused on Iruka. "Naruto's only been gone a short while, pace yourself or you'll have gained ten-years by the time he returns," he finished, smiling lightly.

Iruka felt a faint blush rise in his cheeks; was he really that easy to read? He'd thought about Naruto almost constantly since the boy had left to train with Jiraiya-sama. "Ah, former teacher's habit?" he tried, a nervous laugh accompanying his words.

The silver-haired jounin closed his book, leaning forward slightly. "Former teacher, huh?" he mused, "you're more than that to him, Iruka-sensei-and clearly, he's more than just another student to you." Tilting his head, Kakashi studied the chuunin a moment. "You shouldn't worry so much," he repeated; two fingers raised in farewell as the copy-nin disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"…Easier said than done." Iruka replied to the empty chair.


Cheerful laughter reached his ears as Iruka neared the village walls and he paused in the trees as he spied several young children below.

"That's not how it goes!" a small, red-haired boy shouted at his companions, picking up a red scarf from the ground and brandishing it at the others. "He didn't chop his tail off!" he huffed, reattaching the scarf to his belt and Iruka counted eight others fixed in place.

Laughter erupted from his fellows, three girls and a rather stoic looking boy who stood smirking. "That's what I would've done," he said smugly, clearly impressed with himself.

"But it's not what happened!"

"Hn. Well, I guess I'm smarter than that Uchiha then-no wonder he lost."

"He didn't lose!" one of the girls put in.

"He was defeated."

"But he didn't die!"

"GUYS!" the red-head yelled suddenly. "Are we re-enacting this or not?" he whined, "we were just getting up to the good bits!"

Up in the tree, Iruka crouched and watched the children a while longer. He watched as the red-head snarled and roared at the dark-haired boy who in turn did an impression of a summoning technique, one of the girls jumping in between them, hissing. The sight was to be expected; the battle they were bringing to life was one that would never be forgotten, tales already being passed to the next generation. Iruka smiled as the girl-snake bit down on one of the scarf-tails and the red-haired-nine tails roared in mock pain and Iruka's smile faltered.

Naruto…

Shaking himself from sad thoughts, Iruka made the final few leaps across the tree tops and landed before the gates.


"Is this your new habit?" a rapidly becoming familiar voice asked from his right and the brunette turned unsurprised to see Kakashi perched on the stool beside him.

He smiled, "someone's got to keep them in business."

"Kakashi-san!" Teuchi greeted the Copy-nin warmly, "the usual?" he queried.

Nodding his head, Kakashi's visible eye up-turned as he smiled, "yes, please."

While Teuchi busied himself making the jounins order, Iruka continued his slow twirl of his chopsticks. "You seem to be of the same mind, Kakashi-san," he said eventually. For the past month the copy-nin had shown up at the ramen stand like clockwork. Every weekday at 7:00pm. Iruka was here out of habit more than anything else, not that the meals weren't good, ramen was his favourite after all, but it had just become routine. His worry over the boy he'd come to think of as a younger brother had been leading him to the stand far more often than was healthy.

"Even with the two of us we won't make up for Naruto's usual share."

Iruka suppressed a snort of laughter. "True," he agreed, plucking a particularly good looking piece of cabbage from his bowl. Leaning forward to take the mouthful Iruka stopped short as a warm finger pressed lightly against the top of his cheek bone at the corner of his eye.

"Ma~, what did I tell you," Kakashi started softly, his finger gently tracing the light line on the other man's face, "they've started already."


The Village was bustling with activity as Iruka made his way down and through the streets. His eyes darted around noting the slight, yet to him, noticeable changes. The rebuild of the town was practically identical to what it had been, only now spread across several different levels. Somehow it made the village look twice as big as it had once been. There were no remaining signs of the battle that had raged here destroying the hidden leaf; nothing gave even the smallest hint that Konoha had once been reduced to unrecognisable rubble and he couldn't quite keep the smile off his face as he continued his slow pace through the village. His gaze settled on the achingly familiar faces craved into mountain side before moving to the offices below.

"Iruka-sensei!" a voice shouted from the crowd behind him and the chuunin turned his gaze from his destination to see a black-haired boy, somewhat shorter than him, waving to him enthusiastically.

"Konohamaru?!" Iruka exclaimed after a beat, shocked at the change in his former student. The boy had had several growth spurts by the looks of it, his once childish face had matured, no longer rounded and his dark hair was shorter though still sticking upwards toward the sky. And there, still wrapped securely around his neck, was his blue scarf.

"Ne, sensei when did you get back?" the boy asked coming to a stop in front of Iruka, the same easy grin spreading across his face.

Iruka matched the grin, resisting the urge to reach out and ruffle the boy's hair. "Just now," he replied. "Look at you!" he added, inwardly laughing when Konohamaru puffed out his chest proudly. "All grown up, huh?" he felt a sudden pang of regret at his words. Facing the raven-haired boy, transformed so much from the child he once knew showed him just how much change had occurred in his two-year absence. He wondered, not for the first time, what else he'd missed while he'd been away.


Iruka sat crossed legged on his living room floor, head bent over the low table as he graded papers. The room was silent bar for the scratches of his pen on paper and the occasional muttered words as he read through what were possibly the worst written essays in the history of his teaching career. The sky was darkening outside and he shifted further over the table, absently bringing his hand up to loosen the tie in his hair, fighting with it a moment before pulling it out completely.

"The legendary Sannin ended the Third Shinobi World War after they fought and then signed the Armistice Treaty." The brunette read out loud, shaking his head and he scribbled a quick noted in the margin. The aforementioned sentence had accurate information-from the first and second wars. At least this one had accurate information in it; it was more than could be said for countless others. Iruka sighed, scrubbing a hand over tired eyes. The history of the Shinobi world seemed lost on these kids.

Stretching his aching muscles, Iruka rolled his neck, extending his shoulders back and forth before sagging with the relief it brought. He sat there in the burgeoning darkness, head lolled forward breathing deeply. Definitely time for a break, he thought and as if on cue his stomach growled loudly into the silence of his apartment. Chuckling to himself, Iruka stood up in one fluid motion, his arms coming up over his shoulders as he stretched further and he moved toward the fridge after hearing several satisfying clicks.

Upon opening said fridge the brunette sighed. "Leftovers it is," he muttered to himself. It seemed he'd become accustomed to eating out, the only eatable thing occupying his fridge being leftover takeout. Iruka opened the cover and gave the soup inside a cautious sniff before a sudden knocking at the door interrupted his contemplation over the maybe-not-so eatable soup.

Kicking closed the fridge as he went Iruka approached the door, swinging it open when he reached it.

"K-Kakashi-san," Iruka stammered out, the shock he was feeling clearly etched on his face and he fought and lost against the blush rising in his cheeks.

"Good evening, Iruka-sensei!" the jounin greeted him enthusiastically, smiling brightly.

Well, Iruka thought it looked like a brighter smile than the normal upturn of his one visible eye. "Good evening," he greeted back, wishing for all the world he had A – not carried the slightly off soup with him and B – not taken his hair down earlier. He must be a pretty sorry sight right now. He had half changed when he got home from the mission desk, removing his vest and swapping his normal trousers for an old pair of comfortable blacks.

Kakashi seemed to be taking in his appearance too, head tilted in thought. "I brought dinner," he said after his contemplation of the brunette and he held up a takeout bag as proof of his words. "You weren't going to eat that were you, Iruka-sensei?" he added, motioning to the container in the other man's hand.

"Huh? Oh, well I – no," Iruka managed, losing the battle of the blush once again. "No," he repeated laughingly, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand.

Kakashi nodded his approval and the two stood there smiling at one another, the chuunin still laughing somewhat.

"So can I come in?"

"Oh! Yes, sorry-of course," Iruka replied quickly, stepping to the side as he granted access and he shut the door as Kakashi removed his sandals.

"Ichiraku's finest," the other man smiled, heading further into the brunettes apartment.


Iruka's mind was still reeling over the change in his ex-student when he arrived at his destination. His mind having trouble connecting the Konohamaru he had just seen to the one he'd left behind two years ago. Shaking his head as he walked he was stopped once again by the call of his name.

"Ah! Iruka-sensei!" the speaker poked their head out of a door to his left and grinned, his body following a moment later.

"Kotetsu-san!" the chuunin recognised instantly, walking forward to clasp the others hand.

"Did you just arrive?" the spiky-haired man asked warmly, clearly pleased to see his friend.

"Yes," Iruka confirmed, "I'm heading to check in with Tsunade-sama now."

"Ah," Kotetsu nodded, rubbing the bridge of his nose through the bandage. "She's free now," he supplied; "it's good to see you," he added after a thoughtful pause.

Iruka smiled. "It's good to see you too," he said, honestly pleased to see the familiar face of his fellow chuunin.

"The mission desk hasn't been the same without you-not nearly enough scolding," he teased and Iruka laughed out loud, his cheeks reddening slightly.

"It'll be great to have the fearsome Umino Iruka manning it again, just like the old days," Kotetsu went on, grinning.

"I'm sure you've been doing an adequate job, Kotetsu-san," Iruka ribbed.

"Sure, sure."

Making plans to catch up properly during the week the chuunin's parted ways and Iruka continued down the hall toward the Hokage's offices.


Iruka had always known of the limitations in life. He had created a line, somewhere along the way, of what was possible for him, and what was not. There were things he could attain and things he couldn't.

Hatake Kakashi had always been firmly placed on the side of what was unattainable.

Because of that, Iruka had simply put his initial interests in the jounin away, burying them somewhere deep inside. He imagined them in box, perhaps with the words 'Never gonna happen' stamped across it. It wasn't a big deal; it was just part of life.

Now however, the chuunin had been forced to take the box out of hiding.

The Copy-nin had somehow become a fixture in his life over the past six months. At first, it had been their nightly dinners at Ichiraku-the other man simply showing up, eating his meal and disappearing again and then, as it went on, he'd offered small talk mixed in with his usual jabs. That had turned into the silver-haired man showing up at his house, dinner in hand, when Iruka had stopped his nightly visits to the ramen stand, and it eventuated into home cooked meals with an easy flow of conversation between the two.

One night after a particularly appetizing meal Iruka had prepared the two of them, they had been readying themselves for the chore of dishes, a relaxed banter carrying on between them as they set the plates down on the bench.

That's when Kakashi had changed things.

The jounin had placed a warm hand on his wrist, tugging Iruka forwards, closer to him and ever so slowly leaned his forehead against the brunette's own. Hot breath puffed against his mouth and before Iruka could process what was happening his eyes had slid shut of their own accord and never before seen lips had pressed lightly against his. It had been only the slightest of touches, almost like an accidental graze, and then a more firm press of the other man's lips followed.

"Thank you for the lovely meal, Iruka." The 'sensei' dropped from his name had sent a surprising jolt through Iruka and his eyes had shot open.

"You're welcome," he had responded automatically, staring back at the smiling man almost in a daze. Kakashi's mask had been back in place and he was already turning to the sink, setting about rinsing their plates under the tap.

That was two nights ago now, and Iruka was no closer to figuring out how the action came about. It was something of a natural progression, he supposed-if he'd thought of it as a possibility to begin with. Which he hadn't. Their quiet companionship over the past months could be seen as a slow get-to-know-you easing into a possibility of something more down the road but from the start Iruka didn't acknowledge any wayward ideas of anything more than friendship. Beyond that… Well, there just hadn't been anything.

Until now.

Kakashi had made his intentions clear that evening, stating his seriousness before bidding Iruka goodnight in his maddening causal way. The chuunin was yet to respond, his mind still replaying the past months, going over the tiniest of details as if to pin point a moment in time where he may have spotted this coming. He told himself it was the suddenness that was throwing him through a loop, and that maybe, if he could just figure out where this was coming from...

All his insecurities were screaming at him that somehow Kakashi, in all his seriousness, couldn't actually be serious.

It took another two days of discerning his thoughts for him to see it in any sort of clarity and with that his imagined dividing line slowly began to fade. Iruka was slowly weighing the options presented to him, he studied his crush-like feelings he'd had for the jounin after their first meeting, even the irritation and exasperation the other man brought out of him so easily amidst their many run-ins and then Iruka delved into the deeper ones that had been quietly stirring within more recently.

Could they actually do this?


Iruka shut the doors behind him, entering the Hokage's office and bowing formally towards the fair-haired woman behind the desk-or rather, on the desk.

"Tsunade-sama."

"Huh? Wha-" the woman in question jerked up into the seat, trying to look as though she hadn't just been drooling over the scrolls littering her desk as she napped. "Iruka-sensei?" she said inquiringly, stifling a yawn behind her hand. "Checking in?" she asked, slumping back in the chair. "Long time, huh?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," he confirmed, looking at the floor while Tsunade wiped the wetness from her cheek.

"The files arrived last night, all signed and sealed-you did well Sensei," she smiled, "several of your fellows from the joint board also took it upon themselves to write personal letters of recommendation on your behalf. They spoke very highly of you."

"Y-yes, Hokage-sama," Iruka muttered, feeling the warmth of embarrassment spread over him. He wondered vaguely who had 'taken it upon themselves' to do that.

Tsunade arched an eyebrow at him, "no need to be so modest, Sensei, you've filled a very important roll the past two years and the other ambassadors clearly feel the same way. We have alliances never thought possible and a world-wide information network thanks to this mission-not to mention we now have treaties coming out our ears." She looked vaguely annoyed as she said the last part, taking a moment to glare at the paper work on her desk and then she smiled again, "ah, I also recall seeing numerous invitations-should you wish to visit there in the future." Her smile turned coy, "anything you want to share?"

"I-that is, no, Hokage-sama, nothing to share."

"No? Mah…" she looked disappointed, as though a juicy piece of gossip was exactly what she needed right about now. Tsunade let out a huff of air, "ah, then your mission is officially complete-I'll look over your most recent reports this afternoon," she continued, "we have the academy fully staffed at the moment but Kotetsu and Izumo would appreciate a break from the missions desk I'm sure. You can start shifts there beginning tomorrow," she waved her hand airily, dismissing him.

"Understood."

"Welcome home, Iruka-sensei."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama, it's good to be here."


"You're going to have to look at some point," Kakashi said, breaking the comfortable silence between them, his tone one of amusement.

They were sitting crossed legged on the floor, Kakashi at the head of the low lying table and Iruka to his right-pointedly looking in the opposite direction as they ate.

The chuunin chewed thoughtfully and considered the other man's words. It wasn't that he didn't want to look, after the many nights they'd spent in each other's company Iruka hadn't even chanced a peek while the silver-haired man ate. His face was something he kept to himself, something private and the brunette didn't want to take the privilege of his trust lightly. He was curious, who wouldn't be, but he was also still somewhat irritated after Kakashi's not so subtle 'outing' of their relationship to the entire village and right now it was his irritation that was winning.

He felt a bubbling knot forming in his stomach as he remembered the scene in the missions' room, the long line of Shinobi waiting before him, the end of the day rush, and then the entrance of Mighty Guy. Iruka swallowed his mouthful with more than a little difficulty, resisting the urge to glare at the other man. He could play innocent all he liked but the Copy-nin had to have known exactly what he was doing when he told his fellow jounin.

The Bastard.

"Here," he heard Kakashi move, the rustle of clothing then felt the jounin's hands gently guiding him to stand and Iruka childishly screwed his eyes shut as he was turned to face him.

He heard the other man's quiet chuckle and opened his eyes a tiny crack then opened them properly, fully taking in the face before him.

"Huh," the unbidden noise came out without thought, his mind concentrating on the features of Kakashi's face, the thins lips he had felt upon his own many times to his straight nose and then to the continuation of the thin scar running halfway down his cheek.

"Huh?" Kakashi parroted back, "huh, good? Or huh, I thought you'd be way hotter?" he joked and it was Iruka's turn to chuckle.

"Huh – you look perfectly normal," he laughed, "no crazy birth marks or scars, no hidden tattoos-there's going to be a lot of disappointed people." he smiled, irritation falling away, "the theories get more farfetched every year and here you are-not a single hideous thing to hide." he feigned disappointment and was rewarded with a grin from the other man.

"Ah, no buck teeth either," he sighed.


Iruka set a brisk pace as he made his way out of the academy building, pausing as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. Mission officially complete he allowed himself to relax, thoughts he'd been keeping at bay flooded his mind and he stopped short again, considering heading back to the mission desk to see if the object of his thoughts was away or somewhere here in the village, then he thought better of it. Maybe he'd just go round, he hadn't had the chance to let Kakashi know he was heading back to Konoha before he left but he was none-the-less sure his presence would be welcome. A slow, steady stream of excitement bubbled its way to the surface and he found himself grinning once again as he continued his pace.

Iruka managed a good three steps before he was turning at the sound of his name.

"Iruka-sensei?" the unfamiliar voice spoke hesitantly and when he turned fully he found the unfamiliar voice attached to an unfamiliar person. The woman was a touch shorter than him with sandy blonde shoulder length hair and dark golden eyes to match.

He nodded his confirmation, "yes?"

"Uh, I- I recognised you from- well, that is," she pointed in the general direction of the village then waved her hand down nervously. "I've been teaching here," she managed, "I'm Harada Naoko." And with that she bowed in introduction.

"Ah, Naoko-sensei," Iruka greeted warmly returning the bow. "You're the transfer teacher from Kumogakure," he remembered; he'd received a request for further lesson plans when she had come to the hidden leaf shortly after his departure.

"Yes. I saw you through the window and wanted to formally introduce myself."

"It's always nice to put a face to a name," he said, "I hope you've had no trouble."

"No, it's been a good fit here, actually, I was thinking I—"

"Oi, Iruka sensei," a voice broke in and the aforementioned man glanced around.

"Genma-san!" he welcomed, watching the bandana wearing jounin amble his way over. He wasn't sure he'd heard his name called so many times in such a small amount of time. News of his return must have already spread and he thought again of Kakashi.

"Don't you have lessons this afternoon?" Genma directed the question at Naoko, his tone blunt and his eyebrows raised in question.

"Y-yes," she stuttered out and hurriedly headed back towards the building with a hastily muttered farewell, disappearing inside as Iruka watched. He turned a frown towards Genma over his bland treatment of the other teacher but the other man simply shrugged in reply.

"You heading home?" he asked instead, his senbon bobbing in place as he spoke.

Iruka made a hum of agreement, eyebrows still furrowed in disapproval.

"I'll walk you."


Iruka lay in bed, his head against Kakashi's chest right above his heart, listening to the other man's even breathing and the slow rhythmic beating beneath his chest. His fingers were sprawled on the jounin's stomach, his index finger drawing a slow pattern as he thought. The War was fast approaching and Kakashi would be in the thick of it, leading the third division as their commander. Iruka had his own role to play, one he accepted without question although maybe with more than a few concerns.

He knew what value Naruto could be in battle and the flipside if he were to be captured. Nothing, not even Iruka, could keep Naruto from the battle when he found out what was happening; and Iruka knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it wasn't going to take Naruto long to catch on. His worry for him grew steadily and Iruka tried to regulate his breathing as his mind supplied the many horrible scenarios that could eventuate, the detailed images overwhelming him.

"Ow," came a sleepy murmur from the now-awake man he had inadvertently been digging his fingers into.

"Sorry," Iruka rubbed the spot apologetically, "go back to sleep." he whispered, pressing his lips against the body he was using as a pillow.

"M'm awake now," Kakashi dislodged the other man from his position as he rolled onto his side to face him, bringing Iruka securely against him and looking at him in the dim light.

"Ah, you're worrying again," he stated affectionately, leaning forward to press his lips to the chuunin's temple. "What have I told you about that?"

"Wrinkles," Iruka replied into Kakashi's chest, "you're obsessed."

"I only have your best interests at heart."

"Mmm…"

"What were you thinking about?" the silver-haired man asked, absently running his fingers through Iruka's dark hair.

"Naruto," he leaned back into the hand, "how he's going to react when he finds out."

Kakashi made a 'hmm' of acknowledgement, "no point worrying….we'll know soon enough." And before the other man could reply, probably to protest, he flipped himself on top of Iruka who had indeed opened his mouth to protest, and silenced it with his own.


Iruka wasn't quite sure how he'd ended up back at his apartment and not at Kakashi's as he'd intended. Genma had taken it upon himself to walk Iruka home, somehow brushing off all of his objections and then ended up staying for a cup of hot tea. He'd been startled to actually find anything drinkable in his cupboard, he'd only offered out of politeness but the jounin had accepted the hot, unsweetened brew and had then taken his time in drinking it.

Iruka was pleasantly surprised to find his apartment had been well looked after, his plants looking none the worse for his absence and the thick film of dust he had been expecting to see was nothing more than a light scattering.

The upside of the many distractions was that he'd had the chance to shower and change, the downside was that the longer the reunion was put off the more anxious he was becoming. Two years was a long time. It hadn't been a lengthy, drawn out goodbye when he'd been given his assignment; there hadn't been time. Kakashi had his own mission to be getting on with and the two had parted ways reluctantly but with the promise and faith that they would be together again; two years being a small price to pay for the peace the world had enjoyed since.

Smoothing down his hair for the umpteenth time, Iruka adjusted his forehead protector and steadied his nerves. He felt almost giddy as he shut and locked his apartment door and the grin he'd been wearing half the day returned in full force. He made his way down the apartment stairs, his pace fixed at first then becoming faster as he neared the street and when he found himself jogging along the emptying walkway he blew off his earlier idea of picking up dinner and leapt onto the nearest building, swiftly leaping towards the jounins block.

He arrived at his destination in record time and Iruka took a calming breath before knocking on the door, his heart hammering in chest; the breath he'd taken not fulfilling its purpose in the slightest. He fidgeted with the tie in his hair, tightening it.

He heard feet shuffle in his direction and he looked expectantly at the door as it swung open.

Kakashi stood slouched in the entrance, staring somewhat dumbly at him; his eye wide in shock.

"Iruka," he breathed the word and the chuunin didn't get the chance to react; Kakashi covered the small distance between them in a flash and then the other man's lips were descending upon his.

The kiss was desperate, two years' worth of emotion and need clashing together as the Copy-nin deepened the kiss, his fervour almost lifting the other man off the ground.

The need for air became apparent all too soon and both men pulled back but stayed tangled together, Iruka's arms gripping Kakashi's shoulder as he continued to place a trail of wet kisses down the brunette's neck.

"Kakashi," it came out as a moan, not quite what he'd been going for but then again, how was he supposed to concentrate when the other man was busying himself with lapping at a known sensitive spot on his collar bone. His head thumped back against the wall he didn't realised he'd been pushed too and he moved his hands, treading them into silver hair.

"Kakashi-san?"

Iruka barely heard the distance voice, paying it no mind. It wasn't until the warm tongue and lips vanished from his neck that he gave it any further thought.

Kakashi stood leaning, arms propped on the wall next to the chuunin and his head bowed. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry Iruka."

Iruka stared at the jounin, taking in his pained expression and the fact that he was no longer meeting his eyes.

"Sorry?" he repeated numbly, his brain not keeping up.

"Kakashi-san? Who is it?"

That voice…

Something cold, sharp and heavy plummeted in Iruka's stomach, freezing his entire body in place and squeezing.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, Iruka." Kakashi's mantra was unrelenting even as he stepped away from the wall, away from Iruka, pulling his mask in place as he went.

Iruka stood stock-still, burning ice spreading through his once warm body, his brain struggling to make a connection he knew he was missing and by the time it did, it was too late.

"Naoko-sensei," was that his voice? She stood next to Kakashi in the doorway, looking between the two and Iruka willed himself away from the wall.

It couldn't be what he was thinking, Kakashi wouldn't…and if he did he would have…

And Naoko-sensei, she could just be here because they were frie—

Because they were discussing sch—

Because they were working on something and it—

Kakashi's string of pained apologies echoed in his mind.

"…Iruka-sensei," he thought he heard some other nicety follow his name, she was smiling. The ice clamped down and he struggled for breath, his head light with dizziness. He saw her smile wane as she glanced at Kakashi and he couldn't stop his gaze from following.

He flinched. The moment their eyes met the clamp-like grip tightened, becoming unbearable and he heard himself mutter words that held no meaning, saw Kakashi reach forward and with great effort he tore his body and gaze away. His name was called as he all but stumbled down the hall; his legs heavy but getting steadily lighter with the more distance put between them.

He had no idea how he made it home, he only knew that someway, despite not looking up for the entirety of his walk he was now standing at the bottom of the stairs leading to his apartment block. His legs began an automatic climb, his mind on autopilot and when he reached the top he heard two distinct voices speak at once.

"Shit." Izumo.

"Mother fucker!" Definitely Kotetsu.

Raising his eyes, Iruka continued his methodical walk towards his door; registering vaguely the bottles of sake the two chuunin's were holding.

His keys were taken from his hand before he reached it and the two men ushered him into his flat and not long after he found himself sitting at the low table opposite Kotetsu, the dark-haired man's expression abnormally serious.

Drinks were poured and swallowed in silence. Iruka tried not to think.

It wasn't working.

Kakashi's words were still reverberating in his mind, each repeat sounding colder and colder. The seemingly sincere smile Naoko had given turned to a malicious sneer as Iruka's mind warped the events as he tried to process them.

The ice in his veins gradually turned to numbness with each drink and after an unknown amount of time Iruka was finally able to meet his friend's eyes; the smile that was so easy to summon earlier appearing weakly on his face.

"Thanks," he forced out through the lump in his throat.

They nodded, Kotetsu leaning forward, elbow propped on the table. He glanced at Izumo then his gaze settled on Iruka. "What happe—ow!"

Izumo made an impatient noise, resettling his arm on the table and narrowing his eyes at the spiky-haired man; shaking his head.

Iruka let his eyes drift between the two, frowning. "You don't…know?" he asked. If they didn't then it was one hell of a coincidence that they'd shown up with alcohol in hand tonight. He'd gathered from there unexpected appearance and their reaction's that he himself was the last to know about…whatever.

"Genma mentioned something."

Ah. So Genma knew.

Iruka groaned then, barely restraining himself from banging his head down onto the table. "Of course," he muttered.

That explained his interruption and bluntness towards what's-her-name earlier; it wasn't like the jounin to be so tactless.

The sharp vice-like grip made a sudden resurgence, reviving the pain and it must have been clear in his expression because another drink was immediately shoved in his hand, the other two knocking theirs back and watching Iruka expectantly.

He drank it in one swallow, holding it out to be refilled.

Far too many shots later, Iruka found himself leaning up against the couch, struggling for breath as he told the two chuunin about his earlier experience.

"T-two years!" he laughed, clutching his aching ribs, "and he p-practically mauls me," he made an exaggerated arm movement, grabbing a fictional air-person and following it up with a rather crude intimation of kissing. "And then he says, he says – 'I'm sorry Iruka'!" his impression sounded more along the lines of a mildly retarded school boy than Kakashi, but he was sure the amused Kotetsu and Izumo got the general idea.

His laughter turned silent and he shook with mirth, unable to stop and his cheeks were now aching along with his ribs.

"A-and, she, she was j-just," he took a gulp of much needed air, "standing there!"

Kotetsu was laughing just as loudly while Izumo was more restrained and for the longest time that's how they stayed, Iruka falling sideways at some point and simply laying there until the hilarity ebbed away, his laughter draining out into a sigh.

"What was I saying?" he mumbled into the floor boards.

"What's-her-name," came Izumo's grunted answer.

"Right," Iruka blinked, trying to recall the next part of his story. "Then…" then he had stumbled home, heart in his shoes, to find his two friends waiting on his doorstep; they had then proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated on some very potent sake. Right.

Suddenly, the story wasn't nearly as funny.

The sobering chuunin pushed himself up into a sitting position, leaning heavily on one arm. "Mother fucker," he pronounced.

"I'll drink to that," Izumo raised his glass in toast, downing it a second later then looked curiously at Kotetsu.

"Oi," he kicked the uncharacteristically quiet chuunin from his position on the couch. "What're you plotting?" he asked, knowing from experience that his current expression was his 'I'm about to suggest something totally ridiculous but marginally funny' look and his suspicions were confirmed when the dark-haired man grinned.

"Nothing," he lied smoothly, grin widening.

"That complete mother fucker," Iruka broke in, his mind replaying the not-even-remotely funny story he'd been retelling. "That, that…"

"Arse."

"Wanker."

"Dumbass."

"Piece of shit."

"Scumbag."

Iruka nodded as they finished his sentence, his anger building in the face of his oncoming sobriety, "he, we-it was-what the hell was that?"

"Stupidity?"

"Insanity?"

"Fuckarse-ness?"

"Wanker-ism?"

"Yeah," Iruka continued to nod at their suggestions, "I mean…just what? What, how-when did they happen?" the question wasn't directed at anyone in particular, the universe in general really.

"Well-" Kotetsu cut off as he dodged a kick from Izumo and he neatly jumped to the other side of the table, safely out of reach. "I don't think it's been long," he went on, "and honestly, I didn't even think the rumours were true."

Oh god. "There were rumours?" he groaned, then cursed. "Hit me," he said, thrusting his empty shot glass in front of Izumo.


When Iruka awoke, his first thought was that he really needed to brush his teeth. His second and third thoughts were more questions. 'Oww, why the hell does my head hurt so much? And why the hell was he covered in something that smelt intensely of soy sauce?' It wasn't until he reached the bathroom, standing with toothbrush and toothpaste in hand, that he had a fourth thought. Or rather, a sudden memory.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry Iruka."

His toothbrush clattered loudly into the sink, the toothpaste following as Iruka buried his head in his hands.

"Fuck."

He let his hands fall down to rest at his sides, taking a deep calming breath before facing himself in the mirror.

"Argh," he looked like shit. His hair was matted on one side, his eyes pained and weary, and, he pressed two fingers to his cheek, he had the same unidentifiable and disgustingly sticky substance covering half his face.

The memory replayed as he brushed his teeth, scrubbed his face and showered, looping continuously as he dressed. The hangover he was experiencing didn't help matters. He wasn't sure if the nauseated feeling he had was from the overabundance of sake he'd consumed or the complete sickness he felt over last night's events.

Probably both.

His head hurt and again, he wasn't sure if it was alcohol related or because it was overwhelmed with constant, repetitive thought.

Now that the shock (and liquor) was wearing off, a deep seed of confusion was rapidly growing in his already overfull mind. He could see, maybe even understand, Kakashi seeing someone in the two years they'd been apart. And at a stretch he might even be able to understand why the other man hadn't let on; but why then, did he receive him the way he had? Why if he had moved on, which for all intents and purposes it looked like he had, did he kiss him? Why welcoming him back as a lover if he no longer felt that way.

His head pounded as the thoughts swirled in his mind and then a far more straightforward problem surfaced.

He was starving.

Mind made up, Iruka pushed all thoughts not food related away and grabbed his vest, then made his way out the door.

Unfortunately, as dire as his hunger was, it wasn't enough to keep thoughts of Kakashi from his mind and as he walked his confused thoughts deepened. He knew the questions he had could only be answered by one person, but that was easier said than done. He wasn't entirely sure he even wanted to see him again.

Except that he did. Damn it.

Food. Iruka thought, think about food.

Unlike yesterday, he made it to his destination interruption free and hurried his last few steps to reach the ramen stand only to jerk back in surprise. Kakashi sat on the stool furthest from him, hunched dejectedly over a steaming bowl.

Iruka sucked air into his lungs and made a complete one-eighty moving quickly in the direction he had come; he hadn't been fast enough though, before he turned the jounin had straightened and was probably watching him now as he escaped what would surely have been an awkward moment to end all awkward moments.

When he believed he'd put enough space between them, Iruka remembered to breathe; then mentally berated himself. Things like that were going to happen, he was going to run into the other man and if he was going to turn tail and run each time he may as well leave the village entirely.

Still annoyed, Iruka headed to the nearest eatery, not caring what he ate as long as he did.


He was late. His almost run-in and diversion to another place had taken longer than he thought and he cursed his new weak resolve as he rushed through to the mission assignments room.

"Sorry for my lateness," he said, bowing when he entered.

"Oi, what're you doing here."

Iruka stood up straight at the sound of his friends' voice. "Izumo-san, Kotetsu-san," he acknowledged, eyebrows raised in question as he motioned to the empty chairs, "where are the others?"

"Huh?" a half asleep Kotetsu inquired, "just us I'm afraid, not nearly as busy these days and the Hokage prefers to "work from her office"," he snorted, the yeah right going unsaid.

"And I repeat," Izumo said, staring at Iruka through his hair, "what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be wrapped around a toilet bowl or something?"

The chuunin reddened but quickly brushed if off, raising an eyebrow in response, "and you? I may not remember everything but I do have a clear image of you trying, note trying, to balance a sake bottle on your nose."

He didn't blush, but a pained expression crossed his face as he undoubtedly remembered the incident and he muttered something about 'drunken chakra' and left it at that.

Smirking, Iruka claimed his seat next to a very sorry looking Kotetsu, "I had the impression I was supposed to be relieving one of you, if not both?"

"Nah," the spiky-haired man yawned, "we may as well suffer with you."

Frowning, Iruka shrugged it off. "So," he said instead, "anyone know why I woke up covered in soy sauce?"

As it turned out, they knew exactly why he'd woken up in that particular state. After much sniggering Kotetsu had explained that after running out of sake he had gone in search of something else to drink and found the only thing in Iruka's cupboards was tea and a bottle of soy sauce; and upon finding said soy sauce he had filled up their glasses and made a toast-the end result being much spat sauce with Iruka bearing the brunt of it.

He was glad he didn't remember it.

The rest of the day passed with swapped drunken memories and small talk in between the many coming and going Shinobi; most missions comprised of the simple transportation of goods, the odd protection assignment and day to day needs of the village. The lack of more stimulating missions concluded in many arguments with several jounin and chuunin who either had never met Iruka, or simply forgot the days of him manning the desk. They were quickly caught up as the gathered Shinobi fled after a smart-mouthed chuunin continued to argue after the vein at his temple started.

He sat back heavily in his seat, the rage draining and his throat somewhat hoarse after 'telling' the chuunin that yes, that really was his current assignment and yes, he really did have to deliver the packages within the village and no, the client had requested a chuunin level for the job so Iruka could not 'just give it to a genin' and that perhaps, if it really was that big of a problem he could take it up with the Hokage.

The room was now clear of any loiterers and he was sure his 'chat' with the chuunin had scared off any other would-be complainers; all ninja left in the room formed at hasty line in front of the desk and off to the side Kotetsu was giving him a standing ovation.

Sighing, Iruka looked encouragingly at the chuunin next in line who eyed him nervously before stepping forward.

Unfortunately, word of his return hadn't spread fast enough and two more shouting matches had occurred by the time his shift ended. He waved off his friend's offer of dinner; heading to the grocer for some much needed supplies before heading home and now, groceries unpacked and dinner almost done Iruka finally allowed his mind free-rein, permitting his emotions to engulf him.

It just didn't make sense. That had been his mantra of the day. Kakashi could be a lot of things; he could be dangerous and ruthless in the face of an enemy; he could be funny and charming when warranted; but mostly he was just honest and genuine. That was the Kakashi he knew. Sure, there were his idiosyncrasies to take into account but in Iruka's experience those moments were generally carried out to prompt a reaction; not to hurt. For him to shack up with another person while the man he claimed to love was away just didn't make sense. There were never any hints that he wasn't happy with what they shared, nothing to indicate or prelude to this; and his initial actions spoke the complete opposite of what followed. There was no-one in the world that could force him into anything if he wasn't willing either so Iruka was left to conclude this as being what the jounin wanted, but then why…

And he didn't know what hurt more; the facts, or the fact that he couldn't comprehend the intentions behind them. It was useless, he would have to face the other man, demand answers to the questions plaguing him or he'd be constantly speculating. They were adults, Iruka had the right to know why; he needed to know why instead of subsequently questioning and second guessing the last four years of his life.


Despite his new determination to speak to Kakashi, three days later found him no closer to it. His days were spent dutifully manning the missions desk, where he had yet to spy the silver-haired jounin, and being dragged off to some place or another by a far too eager Kotetsu and a reserved, yet none the more insistent, Izumo. Thankfully, none of their outings had involved further sake.

The lunchroom was crowded when he entered; bored jounin mixed amongst the staff and Iruka nodded his greetings to those he passed as he headed to the warmer where Kotetsu had placed his promised lunch. He took the square package out and his eyes raked the room for a table, finding an unoccupied one in the corner closet to him and making a bee-line for it. Settling in the seat, Iruka opened the paper bag, pulling out a warm plastic container and lifted the lid.

He cursed Kotetsu.

The other chuunin had of course picked his far from favourite food-mazegohan. He made a face showing his dislike and glared uselessly at the mixed rice. So much for lunch. He replaced the lid and turned his gaze ahead of him as the group moved from the next table and he found himself staring straight at Harada Naoko who, unfortunately, was staring right back.

His gaze faltered for the barest of seconds before he found himself smiling far too brightly and acting unperturbed as he reopened the container in front of him; eating with the gusto usually reserved for Ichiraku ramen. Not a single mouthful displayed his displeasure as he ate and he took great pains to perform his fake enjoyment of the meal; not rushing through it but seeming to relish every bite.

This was the first time their paths had crossed since his first day back and his head swam with unwarranted thoughts of animosity toward the woman who, he reminded himself; he had liked perfectly fine at their introduction. And sitting here now, eating blended rice as though he couldn't get enough seemed faultlessly justified if it was serving its intended purpose-which was to prove that he was perfectly okay, thank you very much.

He gradually finished his meal, again, not rushing but taking his time as he packed the empty container, chopsticks and paper bag up. He stood and flashed his teeth again with another overly bright grin, heading to dispose of the rubbish but stopped short three steps in. Kakashi stood leaning causally against the bench top next to the warmer and naturally, in front of the bin, his eye trained on him and Iruka had the distinct feeling the jounin had been there a while.

"Excuse me, Hatake-san," his tone was flat, devoid of the emotions he was currently experiencing and he was momentarily ashamed when Kakashi's eye shuttered at his words then before the silver-haired man could make a move Iruka skilfully sidestepped around the other man, holding his pretence in place as he achieved his goal and forced himself to a composed pace as he fled the room.

Iruka tried in vain to defend his actions against a persistent and overbearing voice in his mind that was telling him in no uncertain terms that he had just acted Very Badly and another voice was aggressively fighting back with images of Kakashi and Naoko laughing it up at his actions before falling into a bed he was certain didn't exist in the lunchroom.

Entering the missions' room, Iruka called a truce via a promise to fulfill his former plan of talking to the silver-haired jounin next time he saw him and his warring thoughts calmed, pushed to the back of his mind as he concentrated on the rest of his work day.

Many hours later found the three chuunin's amidst a pile of paper work, heads bent over written requests they were approving or in some cases, rejecting.

"What the…" Izumo held up the application he'd been going over. "This guy actually has the gall to request a chuunin team to escort his children to and from the academy plus three hours babysitting every second night."

"Reject."

"Reject."

"Unanimous decision, done."

They were silent once again, the occasional soft thump of a stamp lifting the quiet.

Iruka nodded as he approved the application he'd just gone over, leaning to grab another from the pile and placing it in front of him; he was halfway through it when he heard the door open and click shut, followed up by a very wet squelching patterned noise of someone walking towards the desk. Curiosity forced his gaze up and he noticeably balked at the sight that greeted him.

Hatake Kakashi stood before Kotetsu soaked head-to-foot and dripping; his normal lazy slouch nowhere to be seen. The spiky-haired chuunin met the death glare of the Copy-nin with calm eyes. There was a pause where the two faced off, then Kakashi slammed an equally soaked mission report onto the table, sliding it in front of the still calm Kotetsu. "Mission complete," his said, composure changing completely as he smiled. "I just have one question," he said in a deceptively cheery voice and when the dark-haired man raised an eyebrow Kakashi went on, leaning forward on his hand still atop the report. "This is the third genin level mission I've been given in the past two days and I was just wondering if you've been mislabeling all the missions?" His voice took on an edge, "you haven't been giving say, genin, any A or S rank missions by mistake, have you? Because I'm sure the Hokage would be just as concerned by the matter as I am, Kotetsu-san." The smile he gave now may as well have been a chidori to the face, but the chuunin matched the fake smile with one of his own.

"Of course not, Kakashi-san," he replied happily, "I've just been handing out missions based on skillset."

The air in the room changed faster than any of them could blink and Kakashi's next words were said in a barely controlled whisper, "skillset?" he inquired.

"Yes," Kotetsu agreed, his eyes flickering to the frozen form of Iruka and back, "your skillset."

Kakashi's eye followed the movement and whatever quarrel he had left drained out of him unexpectedly, leaving the jounin deflated and he pushed away from the table, slouching his way out of the room without another word; his sandals squelching with every step.

Iruka watched the scene play out through shocked brown eyes that quickly turned concerned as Kakashi's hunched form exited the assignment room. He sat in astonishment for a number of beats before rounding on a smug looking Kotetsu.

"Kotetsu-san, wha-"

"Nothing," the other chuunin cut over him, "most of the jounin have been complaining about their duties lately, guess it finally got to him." He shrugged and picked up the sodden report Kakashi had left, "I think he'll have to re-do this one," he said with barely supressed glee, moving it off to the side.

"Kotetsu—"

The door opened and a distraction in the form of Genma arrived; cutting Iruka's rant off before he could start.

"Kotetsu-san, Izumo-san-you're dismissed," he barked, senbon bobbing.

The black-haired chuunin looked ready to argue but with a narrowed glance from Izumo he too stood, following the other man out the still-open door and muttering his goodbye, his tone contrite.

Iruka waved half-heartedly as they went, brows creasing in worry over what was becoming an increasingly bad day and a prickling of unease settled in the pit of his stomach. He had an arising suspicion concerning one Hagane Kotetsu that needed looking into.

Genma grabbed one of the chairs and set it down on the opposite side of the desk, directly ahead of Iruka and then sat, leaning back with one arm hanging behind him.

"Genma-san," the brunette eyed him wearily, "if this is about—"

"It's not," he overrode and Iruka bristled at being superseded yet again. "It's about you and Kakashi," he revealed, looking bothered.

The browned-eyed chuunin didn't have a reply for the unexpected topic, choosing instead to shuffle and organise the papers on the table.

"It's none of my business," he stated, frowning at the roof. "And I don't want to get involved in other people's lives," his eyes continued their upwards gaze and he sighed, "but I think you need to know Kakashi has his reasons."

Iruka cringed inwardly, but when he spoke his voice was a calm murmur, "I'm sure he does."

"But you don't know what they are." Blunt and sharp. "It isn't what you think, and knowing may not change anything, or the fact that it was shit judgement on his part," the last words were said with clear underlying irritation and he finally meet the chuunin's eyes.

"It's not for me to say, but I'm saying it anyway," he gave a half shrug. "Talk to him," and with a 'there you go' gesture he got to his feet, bringing the chair with him and resettling in it beside Iruka.

"And you might want to tell Kotetsu to smarten up, he's a good friend but there are limits."

And with that final piece of advice Genma set to work, pulling the unfiled requests toward him and starting to read.

"I'll do that," Iruka answered absently, staring at the jounin while his words replayed in his head.

Iruka pondered Genma's words for the rest of the afternoon, it had been the chuunin's plan to ultimately talk to Kakashi; granted, he'd had two opportunities now and had fled both times but he was getting to it. And he was sure Kakashi did have his reasons. And he was sure it wouldn't change anything because clearly those reasons didn't involve him. And he was as equally sure that 'shit judgement' would fit into it somewhere as well.

And he was damned sure he'd be talking to Kotetsu at some point.

Shift now over, Iruka said a subdued goodbye to Genma and lagged behind; tidying up the desk until the jounin was out of sight. He'd left the door open, thinking the chuunin would be following soon after but Iruka had other ideas and he quickly moved to the door, pushing it shut. His eyes narrowed on the filing cabinet on the other side of the room and he stalked towards it as though it were prey, opening a draw with more than necessary force when he got to it and immediately thumbing his way through the many reports inside. He threw furtive glances over his shoulder every now and then; with the day going as it had he wouldn't be surprised if the Hokage herself were to walk in right now.

It wasn't until he'd reached the third draw that he found what he was looking for.

"Aha!" he said triumphantly then stole another glance over his shoulder. Coast clear, Iruka opened the folder and began to read.

"…dog grooming, seven dogs to be washed, brushed and nails clipped…" he read aloud, disbelief spreading through him. He moved onto the next, "paint stripping…" Iruka groaned when he read the requirements, "must have own mask," he mouthed out the words, dismayed. He bet Kotetsu would've just loved that…

And the latest one, the one that had lead Kakashi sopping wet into the missions room, "Stone collection…what?" The brunette studied the form, "fresh river stones needed for garden project." Iruka didn't even know how this one was approved and his curiosity was piqued when he saw the supplicant was confidential; he cast a guilty look around the room and then slipped the seal off the attached envelope.

"Requested by…" Instantaneously his eyebrow began to twitch and he grit his teeth, "Hagane Kotetsu." The name came out as a curse and the sound of crumbling paper brought him out of his day dream of having the man drawn and quartered. Iruka did his best to smooth out the form, replacing it in the envelope then into the folder before placing it back where it came from and shut the draw with a snap.

Yes, he was going to be having a nice little chat with his fellow chuunin.

Iruka took the long way home after dinner at Ichiraku's, wandering the near empty streets almost randomly; he'd cooled down somewhat from his walk, enough so that if he were to happen across Kotetsu right now his initial reaction wouldn't be to smack him in the face. His intentions had come from the right place if nothing else; they had of course gone completely awry. And honestly, Iruka was surprised he'd gotten away with deliberately giving Kakashi genin missions not once but three times; mostly he was just amazed it had taken Kakashi this long to say something about it.

Genma's earlier words came back to him and Iruka sighed; Kakashi didn't really have good friends, he was friendly with everyone if always aloof, but it looked like he had a good friend in Genma. There was Guy too of course, but for some reason no one, Iruka included, generally considered the green-clad ninja. He was just so...spirited. It was hard to take him seriously. But the senbon chewing jounin seemed clued into whatever it was that had taken place in Iruka's absence and more than that, he had taken it upon himself to clue the chuunin in; if only a little.

"Talk to him, huh..?"

Iruka turned, staring back the way he'd come. It was late, Kakashi was probably sleeping.

He shook his head at his weak excuse. He knew for a fact that the other man wouldn't be sleeping; his hesitance came more from the thought that if he were sleeping, he might not be alone and that was enough to push Iruka towards home instead.

When he arrived home he set his keys down on the kitchen counter and set about closing the blinds and turning on the lights. His apartment was silent and cold, not in the least bit welcoming and after a moment's thought Iruka shut the lights off; heading for the bathroom for a quick shower before bed.

The warm water stung his chilled skin as he stood under the spray and he washed swiftly, exhaustion slowly overcoming him and within minutes he was out; pyjama bottoms on and towel drying his hair as he went in search of a t-shirt. His bedroom was lit dimly by the bedside lamp and Iruka flicked the main light on when he entered, heading for his dresser. Reaching for the handle of the draw, the brunette stopped abruptly, back straightening and his eyes darting to the closed blinds. A familiar chakra hovered at the edge of his sensors and it took Iruka a moment more to realise who it belonged to and when he did an inner war raged over what to do. His sane side won out and the chuunin walked the few steps to the window, hesitating briefly then he pulled the blinds up and opened the frame a few inches.

"What are you doing here?" he asked tiredly through the gap, shoulder leaning heavily against the wall edge.

There was nothing but silence for a beat then-"I want to explain," came Kakashi's calm voice and Iruka 'hmmed', moving the towel to rest over his shoulders and he waited for the jounin to go on, a knot forming in his chest.

"It's…the thing is…" Kakashi struggled, "I don't love her," he stated softly, "it's not like that. I didn't replace you," there was a pleading note in his voice, "it's just…things are different now, were different, I thought. Not with you, this has nothing to do with you, but not-not like that." Iruka could picture the frustrated expression that he was sure would be playing across Kakashi's hidden face as his struggle continued. "Peace…" the silver-haired man went on, "it was never a realistic idea so you don't plan for it but now, here we are." Iruka could practically feel the other man shrug, "I didn't think of it as even a remote possibility but then, peace changed a lot of things, maybe and…and…"

Inside his apartment, Iruka let his head rest to the wall; heart hammering. "And..?" he felt the knot tighten; he could feel a sense of awareness tingling in the back of his mind, pieces of something falling together.

"It wasn't safe before," he heard Kakashi murmur, "to have a family."

In a nano-second the clamp was suddenly back at full strength, forcing the air from Iruka's lungs and clasping his heart in a death grip that was unbearably tight. He fought to take in the air his body was screaming for and in his crisis almost missed Kakashi's next words.

"It wasn't a duty I ever planned on fulfilling," he was saying in the same soft tone, "then the world changes and it's something I have to maybe consider, but Iruka please believe me," he was back to pleading. "I never, never meant to hurt you in all of this. If I'd known you were back I would have come to you and…" the jounin's voice shook, "I wouldn't have let you find out the way you did."

Iruka's insides burnt at the unsuppressed emotion in Kakashi's voice and he placed his hand to the wall, despite himself he wanted to comfort the other man and didn't know how. All at once his body sagged, the clamp seemingly falling away.

Children…

He felt deflated and empty, Kakashi's words replaying in his mind as he tried to grasp the startlingly painful concept; tried to understand it.

"A family…"

Something he most certainly couldn't give him.

In times of peace the future wasn't so far away he supposed; it wasn't some far off dream but something to plan for. The future was brighter than it had been in…perhaps ever, and even Iruka at some point had entertained the idea of carrying on his family line.

"Iruka..?"

But he wouldn't. He was already devoted to the future of Konoha, passing on and teaching the new generations as they came and that was enough for him, watching them as they grew from children to Shinobi filled him with an indescribable comfort and pride.

But for Kakashi…

"I understand," Iruka said at last, and maybe he did. The words stung anyway. Kakashi had said himself that he didn't love Naoko but she could give him what he literally couldn't. And that…still hurt.

Perhaps, when they had been together it was…a different time, he supposed, where you lived in the moment and died the next day; it was a truth that bound them, Shinobi living one day at a time with no assurances of what would come. Things change, people change and so do their dreams; if this was Kakashi's new dream, he had no right standing in the way of it, or getting hurt by it, right? It was what it was.

And what it was, was…painful.

The wall that separated them felt as though it had tripled in size during the length of their conversation and Iruka pressed his hand more firmly against it. Understanding and acceptance didn't make the moment any less bittersweet and he felt reluctant to pull away.

"Can I see you?" the question was whispered from outside and the chuunin's expression became pained and even though Kakashi couldn't see him, he shook his head.

"No," he replied in a matching undertone, "that won't…it's not a good idea," his words were a contradiction to what he was feeling but he knew seeing Kakashi right now wouldn't make this any easier and with strength he didn't know he had Iruka pushed away from the wall. "You should go," he forced out.

"I…"

"Goodnight, Kakashi." Iruka said quietly when nothing further followed and he gently shut the window and closed the blinds; each mundane action surprisingly painful. It was done.

They were done.

He could still feel the other man's presence as he dragged himself over to the light switch, turning it off and then the lamp before crawling onto his bed. He lay down, pulling the towel free and flinging it at the floor.

The presence remained outside as Iruka lay there in the silence of his bedroom and it lingered until the early hours of the morning when sleep mercifully claimed him.