Love Happens
Summary: Mac Taylor always believed Valentine's Day was nothing but hype and bling. But this year he finds he wants it to be more. Will he finally get the courage to do what he should have done a long time ago? SMacked two-shot
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is only a fan fiction story. CSI:NY and all the characters are the property of Anthony Zuiker and CBS. I'm just a fangirl who can't resist playing with their wonderful creations:-)
A/N: 'While You Were Sleeping' will update as planned, I just couldn't help myself with this one – Valentine's is too good an opportunity for some romance/fluff-tinged story to miss! So here it goes, I hope you'll like this!!
A/N 2: Set after the eppy 614 'Sanguine Love' – there might be some minor spoilers!
Dedicated to babygurl0506 and Andorian-Ice-Princess, who could both use a little cheering up, huh, gurls;-)?
Chapter 1 – Learning to See
Mac looked at the clock on his desk and ran a hand over his fatigued eyes. It was getting really late but he didn't feel like going home. There was nothing but silence and emptiness waiting for him there. Here he could at least put his mind to a million of urgent things needing his attention. At home he was stripped of all that and forced to deal with the demons of yet another deeply disturbing case.
It was true what he had said to Keith Borgese earlier that day. He didn't understand how anyone could become so desperate for a sense of belonging or security so as to indulge in such obscenities as drinking another human's blood. He failed to see how that could bring comfort or solace to anyone. Still, there were many things in this world that he didn't understand or acknowledge. That didn't make them necessarily bad. The Christensens were obviously decent people and a loving and caring family, whatever their predilections. And in the end that was what counted – what kind of human being you were, not what you did when no one was looking, as long as it was within the boundaries of law, of course. If you didn't understand or respect that, it led you down a dark path straight into the arms of jealousy, hatred and finally crime, like it had Borgese.
Suddenly a flicker of movement caught his attention and brought him back from his silent reverie. He frowned realizing it came from Stella's office. His interest peaked, he got up and headed towards his partner's working space.
He silently made his way through the empty corridor and came to stand in the door to Stella's office. A wondering look began to form on his face as he realized he wasn't the only one still working at this ungodly hour. As he looked at his partner's silhouette framed only by her desk-light, he felt an odd sense of protectiveness and tenderness flow through him. He knew Stella had become deeply affected by the young photographer's fate and understood it was the reason why she had remained on the sidelines in this case and let him tackle the grieving parents. While she was the passionate and reactive one to his calm and cool rationale, she was equally uncomfortable with raw emotion. And this case had more than enough of it. Cases involving young women so horribly brutalized and killed had an effect on her she wouldn't admit to him, still he knew her enough to read the right motives behind her actions and he didn't push her.
He continued to look at her but she didn't see him, obviously deeply engrossed in some papers. When he looked more intently, he saw it wasn't papers she was looking at. It was photos. Photos made by Estelle Christensen, to be exact.
He found himself entranced by the play of emotions he was witnessing on Stella's face as she silently went over picture by picture. She took each one in with an intent gaze and a small frown.
"What are you still doing here?" he finally asked in a gentle tone not wanting to startle her or sound scolding.
She looked up and Mac could finally see into her eyes. He managed to catch a glimpse of frustration and anxiety in them before the look on her face turned into that of surprise.
"I could ask you the same question," she replied pasting a smile on her face. It didn't reach her eyes, though, and he wasn't fooled in the least.
They had known each other too long for him not to know when something was bothering her. She always put up a good front showing to the world that the tough-as-nails Stella Bonasera never let a case affect her beyond the professional level. Still, just as she could see through him, he also knew when she was simply making a brave face.
"Don't you know I live here?" he said lightly with a small smile as he eased himself down into the chair opposite her.
That elicited a chuckle from her. "And here I thought you've decided to earn something on the side and took a second job as the night-shift janitor."
"Think the boss would consider my application?"
"Depends. But if you really want it, I can put in a good for you."
He chuckled but when he looked back at her, that sad look was back on her face.
"She really had a great eye," she said wistfully looking at one of the photos. It was a close-up of a snow-covered bench. "It's such a waste she was killed like that, Mac. She was really talented and had a whole life before her," she said with growing anger. "I think I'll never totally understand how you can love somebody and hurt them like Borgese did. I guess love is as dangerous as it is beautiful," she shivered and Mac knew she was thinking about demons from her own past.
"Only when it's misguided and based on the wrong foundations, Stella," he found himself saying even though he had every reason in the world to agree with her. "If you find the right person, it's the most beautiful thing there is."
She looked at him like he had just grown a third eye. "Mac, is this you getting into the Valentine's Day mode or have you hit your head on the way here?"
"Valentine's Day?" he furrowed his eyebrows.
"Yeah, it's in a week. You know, the little curly boy with arrows, tacky heart-shaped cards, roses, chocolates, lots of red everywhere. Ring any bells?"
He shook his head with a chuckle. "Stell, I do know that."
"Sorry. Just wanted to be on the safe side here," she flashed him a cheeky grin. "You know, after I had to remind you about Christmas on the 23rd December, I wanted to make sure we're on the same page here."
"That was a one-time thing with Christmas," he said with mock indignation.
"I still remember the look on your face when I asked you to help me pick out the Christmas tree for the children's benefit," she teased. "I thought you were going to ask 'What tree?'"
"You got me then," he admitted. "And sometimes I do forget what's really important in life," he sighed. "Thankfully I've got you to remind me," he looked her in the eye, his earnest gaze displaying emotion and appreciation and Stella felt her heart do a little flip.
"Still, Valentine's is a different thing altogether," he continued, apparently not noticing the effect he had on her or the fact that she had become very quiet. "Do you really need a special day to show someone that you love them? You should do it every day. I feel like this is just another holiday devised for flower-shops and restaurants to get extra income. And the whole secret admirer thing and secrecy. Aren't you supposed to know who you love and who loves you without all this cat and mouse?"
Stella looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "The general problem, Mr. Grinch-There-Will-Be-No-Valentine's, is that the other side may not know you're in love with them. Or may be too unsure of themselves to do it any other way."
The tone in her voice made him look up at her searchingly. He got the feeling they weren't talking about anonymous people anymore. The weight of unspoken words and lost opportunities lay heavy between them. He shook his head.
"And they think an anonymous heart-shaped piece of paper will change that?" he asked in a low tone, his eyes not leaving her face and every fiber of his being intent on hearing her answer.
She held his gaze, her eyes speaking more than any words ever would. Still, they were so much more important. Because unspoken words meant distance and uncertainty. But they also gave you an escape route. An escape from facing the feelings you had been keeping safely bottled up inside. An escape from fear of rejection and loss and hurt.
She could see it in his eyes he wanted her to tell him what she really felt. But would he reciprocate her feelings? Did he feel more for her, too? He had never really given her any indication that he did.
And she couldn't just tell him. Unspoken feelings she could live with, she was a master of that, but she couldn't live without Mac at her side. His friendship meant the world to her and she didn't think she dared cross that line into something more. There was simply too much to lose and she was scared to death of botching up one of the few wonderful things her life had ever offered her. And she didn't want to get hurt or hurt him. He meant too much to her. So she would keep her mouth shut.
She broke eye contact and mustered a cheeky grin. "Well, you won't be getting your card this year, that's for sure, mister" she quipped.
She could see his eyes change. Was it disappointment? Hesitation? Or relief? She would never know because that look was quickly replaced by a small frown he gave her at her teasing.
"No secret admirers for me, huh?"
"Oh, I think there are plenty all right," she assured him trying to keep a straight face. "Just ask at the Sing Sing or Rikers. I'm sure they have lots of cards waiting for you. I just doubt there are many hearts on them."
"I guess love can be expressed in different ways, right?" he teased.
She chuckled lightly. She loved when he loosened up like that and was glad she was able to elicit such reactions from him. Back were the happy sparks in his eyes and a warmth in his expression she had missed so much ever since Claire had died. These days she saw them more and more often and it made her heart swell with even more feeling for him. She quickly averted her gaze and it wandered to the pictures still lying on her desk.
"I think she would want her father to have these," she said ruminatively.
Mac looked up at her. Her empathy and emotional perceptiveness struck a chord. Did she realize how amazing she was?
"And I think he would like to have them," he whispered looking at her intently. "Mr. Christensen called me a few hours ago asking for a meeting. I was going to see him now. How about you come with me?"
"I...no, Mac," she reluctantly turned him down. She would want nothing more than to stand by him during that meeting as she knew this would be a difficult and emotional trial for him but she also knew her place. This was above all Mr. Christensen's tragedy and he didn't need any additional spectators. "I don't think it's such a good idea. I mean, he wanted to see you, Mac. You've been the one who was with him and his wife through the case. It would be awkward and I don't want to intrude on somebody else's grief."
"You'd never be an intrusion, Stell," he said with an earnest expression on his face.
She gave him the tiniest smile in response, yet it spoke volumes more than all the fake smiles she had given him this evening put together. This was genuine and heart-felt.
"Thank you, Mac," she said. "But I think I'll just head home and try to get some sleep. Promise me you'll do the same after seeing Mr. Christensen," she said with concern as she donned her jacket and followed him out into the corridor.
"I'll try," he sighed though he knew even if he glued his eyelids together with super glue, he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.
"You are so lying," she chuckled and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek. Then she stepped into the elevator. "See you tomorrow," she said before the doors closed behind her.
Mac watched her until her face disappeared entirely behind the doors. Even after that he stood there a while longer looking at the elevator with an unseeing stare and holding the folder with Estelle's pictures tightly. Then he finally turned around to get his coat from his office and call it a night, too.
XxXxXxX
As he walked alone through the snow-covered paths of Central Park after he had left Mr. Christensen on that bench, there was one thought that kept coming back to the forefront of Mac's mind every several steps. The short yet intense meeting had stirred other recent memories that had affected him more than he would want to admit.
He recalled the Christensens at the morgue when he showed them the body of their dead daughter. Apart from the sympathy and compassion he felt for the grieving couple, he also couldn't help but sense a pang of jealousy at their closeness and the comfort and love they offered to one another in their darkest hour. It was painful to watch them because he knew what it was like to have what they shared. It was painful because he once had it and it was taken away from him in such a cruel manner.
He had tried to cut himself off from such thoughts before, knowing that it would only bring him more torment and anguish. What he realized now was that it hadn't spared him any pain, only assured that he was still alone. Living in his cocoon didn't make him suffer any less, it only drove away everyone who would want to stay with him.
The feeling of incompletion and a need for closeness overwhelmed him. He knew there was a gaping hole in his life. What the Christensens made him realize was that there was nothing he wanted more than to finally patch it up. He was tired of shutting everyone out and coping with everything alone. He wanted back the comfort of knowing there was someone in the world who would jump into the fire or move mountains for him and for whom he would want to do the same. He missed the feeling of knowing that there was always someone else to pick you up when you were weak, to fend the demons and fears away and to stand by you no matter what you did or what you were facing.
All those years after Claire's death he had worked hard trying to convince himself and the world around that he was stronger than that. That he didn't need any of that and was fine just as he was. He had become so good at it that he believed in it himself. But it was still a lie. Looking into Stella's eyes this evening made him painfully aware of that. Those walls and barriers he had built she had been slowly prying open all these years. She was always there and had never failed him. He was only too blind to see that what he saw in the Christensens, Stella had been giving him all those years.
He had promised himself never to fall in love again but this didn't even feel like falling. What he felt for Stella was always there, he realized. He had simply ignored it and brushed it off as mere friendship. He didn't want to anymore. But wasn't it too late? Hadn't he already lost his chance? They had shared a moment that evening but she backed out. Was it because she was afraid or simply didn't feel anything more for him than just friendship?
His gaze landed on a heart-and-flower Valentine's Day display at one of the shops he was passing. He had always considered Valentine's somewhat tacky and forced just as he told Stella but she apparently didn't think so. And he had to admit she might indeed have a point. For a while he stood there fighting a battle of wills with himself. Then he put his collar up to fend off the cold and walked away, his shoulders hunched.
XxXxXxX
Mac felt a frown build on his face as he entered his office next morning. Danny was sitting on his couch waiting for him, which never spelt well. The younger CSI came to see him in private like that only when he was in really deep trouble. Mac could only hope he hadn't shot anybody off duty or left Lucy in a supermarket somewhere and needed police protection from Lindsay now. Steeling himself for the worst-case scenario and a headache when Danny left, Mac stepped inside.
"Hey, Mac," Danny began in a sheepish tone and Mac's suspicions seemed to be confirmed.
"Danny," he acknowledged taking off his suit jacket and putting it on the coat rack in the corner. "What is it?" he asked turning around to face the younger man again.
"I've got a serious problem," Danny began pushing a hand through his hair in obvious embarrassment.
"I figured as much," Mac sighed as he leaned himself on his desk in front of Danny and crossed his arms over his chest awaiting the worst.
"Um, Mac, you know it's Valentine's Day in a couple of days, right?" he started nervously and Mac raised his eyebrows in amazement. "And you're the only guy that's been married I know. I'm not counting my parents here. My dad's idea of romantic is turning the TV down to talk to my ma. And I don't even wanna know what Sid's idea is, so…" Danny let his voice hang in the air as he looked at Mac expectantly.
Mac remained silent, a half-smile forming on his face. "Still waiting for the question, Danny."
"Um, so I was thinking of taking Lindsay to a dinner to that fancy new restaurant uptown and I wanted to know what you think about it. I mean, isn't it too cliché or something?" he asked frustrated. "It's our first V-day as a married couple and I don't wanna blow it."
Mac sighed, an amused look on his face. "Whatever you do, I think she'll be really happy you've even remembered."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mac."
"I mean, she knows you, Danny," he said rubbing his forehead in exasperation.
"Yeah, yeah. I guess you're right," Danny had a look of relief on his face and decided to drop the subject. Then a mischievous smile appeared on his face. "So, have you gotten Stella anything already?"
Mac furrowed his eyebrows. "I…no. I mean...does she expect me to get her anything? Has she said anything to you?"
"No, no. I just assumed…"
"Then don't assume, Danny," Mac cut him off with a warning look on his face. "And now remind me, what do I pay you for?"
"To provide stimulating morning conversation?" Danny asked with a cheeky grin.
"Nice try," Mac chuckled. "Get back to work and hope I don't catch you making your 'stimulating conversation' anymore today."
Danny gave him a crooked smile and left. Mac looked after him with a shake of his head and started on the reports piled on his desk.
XxXxXxX
"Hey, Stell," Lindsay greeted her as Stella walked towards her working station. They had just returned from a new crime scene and had lots of evidence to process, most of it being what every CSI liked best – lots and lots of broken glass.
"Hey. You got anything off the bottles or glasses?"
"I managed to take off some fingerprints from a couple of shards," Lindsay reported. "I'm running them through AFIS now."
"If we're lucky, it's going to be the abusive boyfriend and we'll all be able to have dinner at a decent time today," Stella said with a half-smile.
"I could use some extra time tonight," Lindsay said looking hopefully at the computer screen.
"If this extra time involves you and Danny alone, I don't wanna know," Stella warned with a playful smile.
Lindsay rolled her eyes. "It does but not the way you think. I have to get a new dress," she sighed. "Danny's been giving me the whole I've-got-a-secret-Valentine's-Day-gift-for-you performance the last couple of days figuring I won't find out he's taking me to dinner to Belluso's. He's been very good at hiding it but I guess he forgot I do what he does for a living."
Stella chuckled. "I didn't think Danny had such a romantic side to him."
"Neither did I, believe me," Lindsay huffed. "Never saw it coming so I wasn't prepared. I have nothing to wear since Lucy did away with my only fancy dress last week."
Stella raised her eyebrows inquisitively.
"She's discovering the world of water pastels," Lindsay explained with a sigh. "I turn around for one second and she's already in my closet playing Picasso."
Stella let out a small but sympathetic laugh.
"Anyways," Lindsay continued. "I've got to do this so that Danny won't know and today's the only day before Valentine's that his mom's taking care of Lucy till late and I could swing by a store and get it."
"You do that, Linds. I'll cover for you."
"Really?"
"Sure. Danny Messer taking you to a fancy restaurant doesn't just happen every day," Stella teased.
"Stell, I owe you big time."
"No problem. Only next time try to make Lucy interested in something less lethal, like Play-Doh maybe?"
"Wish it was that easy. But she's got a mind of her own already. Just like Danny," she huffed. Then she looked at Stella inquisitively. "So, you've got any V-day plans, Stell?"
"Um, a box of chocolate and a good movie on TV? Does that count?"
"Hate to burst your bubble, Stell, but no," Lindsay shook her head in amusement. "I thought you'd be going out to dinner with Mac."
Stella shot her an amazed look. "A Valentine's Day romantic dinner? Are we talking about the same Mac here?"
"I guess you're right," Lindsay was obviously disappointed. "Still…"
"I see you're finished with that," Stella cut her off snatching an evidence bag with a shell they've collected. "I'll get this to ballistics and see what we've got. I'll see you later," and with that she took her leave. She didn't feel like elaborating on her relationship with Mac right now and didn't think she'd endure many of Lindsay's questions.
Still, as she passed by his office, she chanced a glance in his direction. He was deeply engrossed in some papers, totally unaware of anything else. She had to involuntarily smile looking at his handsome face bent down over his work. His devotion and commitment were one of the things that made her admire him so much yet this time she found herself wishing he would for once leave that hard-working inhibited persona for just a while, look up and finally see her. Standing there and waiting for him. Always waiting.
XxXxXxX
Mac heard a knock on his glass door and looked up to see Sheldon stand on the threshold with an unsure look on his face.
"If you're gonna ask me about what to get your girlfriend for Valentine's or if I got Stella anything, I swear I'll fire you."
Hawkes stopped in his tracks and looked at him with a small frown and a half-smile.
"I just brought you the results for the Branby case you wanted but if that's a bad moment…"
"Sorry, I guess I'm just a bit on edge today," Mac huffed. "Show me what you've got."
"Here it is," Sheldon handed him a manila folder with the preliminary report for their newest case. "I'm off to the morgue next to see what Sid's come up with."
Mac leafed through the report and frowned. "There shouldn't be any trace materials like this here, Sheldon. This might be something. I want you to run an extended search to confirm this now. And I'll come down to autopsy myself."
"Sure thing. I'm on it, Mac," Sheldon nodded and left but when he was already outside, he suddenly turned around on his foot and poked his head back into Mac's office.
"So, what did you get Stella?" he smiled mischievously.
"Get out of here, Sheldon," Mac chuckled.
XxXxXxX
"Ah, I see Sheldon won't make it?" Sid asked seeing Mac come into the morgue.
"He got detained," Mac said with a half-smile.
"His boss giving him a hard time?"
"Something like that," Mac looked up at the quirky ME who was eyeing him with an inscrutable look on his face.
"What is it, Sid?" Mac sighed feeling he would have been better off just leaving it be. With Sid it was always dangerous to delve into matters other than strictly business. You never knew what you were going to find out.
"I was just wondering if that ruminative look on our fearless leader's face has something to do with getting a Valentine's Day gift for a certain detective."
"Why does everyone keep asking me if I got Stella anything for Valentine's?" Mac asked with exasperation and ran a hand through his hair.
"Are you kidding?" the older man gave him an incredulous look. "Haven't you been together for practically ten years now, Mac? After you came back from Greece, we all thought you'd finally ask her out at least."
Mac blushed a little.
"Of course I came after her to Greece. We're friends, Sid. That's what we do."
"Gee, I'd like to have a friend who flies half the world to help me without even blinking an eye," Sid said with a meaningful grin.
Mac gave him an exasperated look.
"We're good friends. There's nothing more, Sid," he said with maybe too much emphasis.
"Dammit, there goes my twenty bucks," Sid said under his breath.
Mac arched his eyebrows at him.
"Please don't tell me you've got a pool going on."
"It wasn't me who started it. But it's gotten a life of its own by now, I'll tell you. Half the lab is betting you take her to a romantic dinner somewhere expensive. Though there was one mention of you riding a white horse, I think, or…"
"Remind me again, why are we even having this conversation?" Mac was quick to stop him from further elaborating on the subject.
"Suit yourself," Sid threw his hands protectively in front of him. "About the vic, you'll want to see the wounds on his back first…"
And he was back into his professional mode, for which Mac was more than grateful. Though his words did give him food for thought. So that was why everyone was pestering him about Valentine's this year so much.
When he came back to his office, he tried to focus on his reports but found he couldn't. He threw his pen over his papers in a gesture of frustration and turned his chair around. As he stared out the window onto Broadway, he couldn't get Stella out of his mind. The team had just assumed that it was the most natural thing in the world that he would get Stella something for Valentine's – the official holiday of all people in love. Did they notice something he hadn't noticed himself? But how would Stella react? Would she welcome it? Or treat it as a joke? His insecurity stopped him from getting into that shop yesterday but the guys sure got him thinking again. Combined with yesterday's events and the effect the Christensen case had on him, he found he was indeed building up some courage to do what he had failed to do for so long.
He had been friends and partners with Stella for so long it sometimes really did feel like they were a couple. They were always there for each other, shared their deepest secrets and most painful memories, understood each other without words. It went without saying that their friendship had long surpassed the barriers and confines of mere companionship. What he felt for Stella was much deeper and bigger. He had tried to quell these emotions and get behind the safety of his armour but once he realized it, there was no going back. He tried to look at her only as a friend and partner but the more he tried, the less it worked. And now he found he didn't want to anymore. It was time he finally got his act together and did something about it. A small smile appeared on his face.
He grabbed his phone and started dialling.
tbc.
A/N: So, the guys did get Mac thinking, huh? What do you think he's up to? You'll get the answer next Sunday, i.e. on Valentine's Day, of course!
Anyways, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter – do let me know in a review! Your opinions and thoughts are always greatly appreciated!
